A message from an ‘ugly’ woman

[Over40Overdating]

I am, by all conventional standards, an ‘ugly’ woman.

I am not, and never have been, beautiful. Never pretty or attractive. On a good day with some good light, I could possibly pass for striking.

This awareness has crippled my self esteem for years, to the point of developing a phobia of mirrors and pictures. I have no pictures of me from 14 until recently.

Tonight, on my way home from work, 2 young women got on the trains opposite me and started discussing and laughing loudly about how deformed and ugly my face I was.

I didn’t challenge them because I am middle aged and knackered and didn’t fancy my chances with two very loud, much younger women, but I realised I don’t actually care.

For so long, someone calling me ugly or unattractive to my face would have been my worst nightmare but it happened and instead of the world ending, I’ve realised I no longer care about my face or how it’s viewed.

I don’t know if it’s age, peri menopause, life experience or being too tired to care, but for the first time in my life I feel like I am more than the sum of my facial features and very much like who I am regardless of what I look like.

I feel free. Like a giant weight I have been dragging around my whole life has suddenly dropped off. I wish I’d had this realisation decades ago! I wish I could tell younger me my wonky face doesn’t actually matter in the grand scheme of things. I have a life I am proud to have created and many things to celebrate and not a single one of them relied on me having a conventional looking face.

So fellow ‘ugly’ women, please come join me on a ‘DGAF’ thread.

Reassurance about your face ‘not being that bad really’ is banned.

Celebration of all the many other things you are than your physical appearance encouraged!

I am sorry this happened to you OP.

With little cunts like this, I think I would have been inclined to say, as I was getting off or they were, 'I must say your parents did a sterling job of raising you both. Were you dragged up in the gutter/weren't you taught any bloody manners?'

For some people, they will just laugh off criticism of how they are behaving themselves, but most people don't seem to like their parents being insulted, it seems to cut more deeply. It's a weird thing.

I’m in the middle really, hence I wear make up as I like it’s transformative power (for my own benefit rather than anyone else’s). I’ve known women who have been very beautiful and as they approach fifty it’s a difficult stage coming to terms with the loss of youthful good looks. I haven’t really had that as never relied on looking a certain way. It’s all been more about personality and humour. That’s a better place to get your self esteem from because you always keep those.

As for those women, they sound absolutely awful, heartless, nasty fuckers without any empathy. I do wonder about whether the cult of good looking has got way worse because of social media. How they feel they had the right without potentially having a massive showdown is quite unbelievable. Arseholes.

They will get their comeuppance though. People like that don’t make successful relationships and without those life isn’t especially happy.

I was on the tram and a group of lads got on. One was being a bit of a dick his mates thought him hilarious. He turned to me and said oh my mate fancies you can I get your number queue loads of sniggers. Obviously the joke is there’s no way he would fancy me so he tried to embarrass his mate. I rolled my eyes and looked away and gave zero fucks. To be fair his mate did give me a bit of a sorry he’s a tit type smile but I just blanked him. I don’t care if I’m ugly or not I have good and bad days like most people but I did surprise myself how little it bothered me.

I tend to think that one way women are lucky is that society provides them with more avenues to improve their appearance, whether in terms of wardrobe, demeanor, makeup, plastic surgery, etc.

The 1950’s are calling, they want you back 🙄

@EarringsandLipstick

Your reply to another "That's quite an aggressive take on it!

Of course you don't have to wear make up. But it's quite disparaging towards others to describe it as a 'mask'. For many women, they feel it enhances their appearance, makes them feel better & is fun. It's fine if it's not for you.

Equally clean & showered in terms of personal care is a fairly basic measure - fine it's your choice but many others would take care over hair, clothes, nails etc & it's not an excessive approach."

It is a mask for many. It's a mask that society or culture suggests makes a person appear a certain way. You buy into the claptrap repeating the mantra of 'enhancing appearance' says who? The followers of the make up/the marketing people and society etc. The person you replied to had a view and YOU deemed it aggressive because that person didn't follow your mantra of make up 'enhances'. Many think that slap covering the skin/eyes/eyebrows/lips etc is a mask and a poor one. Your username of earrings and lipstick....

I have found that the only females that give a shit about whether or not someone is ugly tends to be teenagers and young women. I can’t speak on behalf of men, but I’d definitely advise anyone not to give a fuck what silly little girls say about you or your appearance.

@Toenailz I understand that pang! And used to be so mistrustful of people seeming to like me or seek my company out.

I don’t think challenging these young women would have made a difference - it was very much a thrill for them to know I could hear them, and I imagine a fight with an ugly older woman would have been right up their street and given them fodder for their social media. I has no desire to end up going viral & be accused of being a jealous ugly Karen to these younger women.

Truthfully I’m glad it happened as it clicked something into place but I also do feel sorry for them. No one would be in full makeup hair and lashes at that time of night unless they were holding the selves to impossible standards. They were not dressed for work or going out, and the areas they got on and were going to are residential. This is clearly how they look every day and must take hours to do. No thanks!

I've been shamed for having an ugly (fat) body all my adult life but since finding out a few years ago that it is due to a genuine medical condition and I am not in the least responsible, I no longer GAF what people call me or say about me.

I am what I am. And the world can go fuck itself if it does not find me suitable "eye candy". Women are not on this earth to entertain men with our sexual atrractiveness.

If someone dares to criticise your appearance in public, one possible response is a non-aggressive "Just as well I'm not here to decorate your world then, isn't it".

Self-esteem is everything, isn't it?

I'm fat and ageing, and am often caught out by mirrors (Christ on a bike, in my local supermarket the self service tills are in the front window where the lighting is BRUTAL). However, I'm caring less and less, and I'm liking it. I'm a decent person and I do my recycling and plant for the bees. So there.

I think you were right to ignore them and not feed the fire. In the days of cameraphones and TikTok, it isn't worth it.

And you couldn't be more right not to give a shit what they think. Beauty or whatever aside, they're just a pair of total twats and the kindest response is to imagine they'll grow out of it. They could have been rude and spiteful about anything at all, the choice of subject doesn't matter. They're arseholes, who cares what they think about anything?

Applause for you op.

I agree that the posters saying "no one is ugly" are very much romanticizing a society where beauty is absolutely 'defined' and carries massive value. From the year dot, our looks are judged and measured. We are told "oh your hair looks pretty like that' instead of "gosh that's clever, now your hair will stop falling in your eyes'. And so it starts.

And deep down we know if we do, or don't , fall into the conventional spectrum of beauty - no matter what anyone says.

I will say this though. It is 100 percent true that beauty/looks can completely change in the eye of the beholder depending on what is on the inside. People I've met over the years who have stuck me with their good looks have definitely become unattractive to me physically based on behaviour/personality and plainer people have 'showed their beauty' - something more discreet - whether that was skin/a certain way they carried themselves/a smile - once I've got to know them.

Watch a film with a plain ish actor/actress who is the hero. By the end, you will think them much more attractive, it's just a fact.

I also think that life's beauties struggle far more with 'losing their looks' and aging that ugly/lplain/average looking people. So much of who they are is wrapped up in their appearance (not their fault).

I'm glad you felt strength from such a horrible incident OP.

I too care less now I'm in my 40's.
I always worried how I'd cope with the ageing process, but I can honestly say I feel less hung up about my appearance than I did when I was in my late teens/ early 20's with a size 8 figure and flawless complexion.

I must admit though I do still avoid those mirrors.

Possibly off tangent as that's my brain for you but the way we take photos now, particularly "selfies" have so many options for editing the way we look. Even that advert for the phone that allows you to edit other people out of a photo is so sad. It distorts reality, and rewrites the past when looking back at photos too. I am a big fan of the thumbs up and grin photo. The photos re-created by Celeste Barber are worth a look for a laugh...really expose the stupidity of it all.

When I had babies I made sure I has photos of me breastfeeding them, I was unsure at first about it, especially as I looked an absolute wreck but I'm so happy I did. I love those photos.

I wish I didn't give a fuck. I try practising the art of not giving a fuck, and I'm always preaching to my DD about cultural beauty standards and pathologising cellulite etc as a way to make money out of people but I still fall for it myself. I'm like Homer Simpson...DOH, and repeat, every time I buy more shit I don't need to fix something that isn't actually a problem.

I don't think anybody should be labelling themselves or anybody else as ugly.

The prettiest people I know are starting to look pretty ugly on the inside (no pun intended). Around here is a full on beautiful crew, fully toned bodies (which they work hard for) various extras, hair extensions, nails, lips, tans etc etc you name it and they’re stunning. They have money too. BUT turns out X is having an affair with Y, you get the gist. What I’m saying is, you’re not ugly OP. Nor have you ever been. Ugly is the people who spoke to you, or the people I’m mentioning who have affairs with their friend’s husbands and wives.

You are a gift to earth.

Finding your thread this morning has given me a lift and cheered me up no end. You’re absolutely fucking awesome @Over40Overdating
Wish we were friends!

Agreed. And agree on the fat=jolly thing.

And I wish people would stop quoting that bit from Dahl’s The Twits — this is the man whose bad female characters are always physically repulsive, and whose witches have to work hard to present themselves as conventionally feminine, by hiding their claws, baldness and lack of toes.

I'm nearly 50 now and have hated having my photo taken since I was a child. But now at almost 50 I kind of like my face - well more than I ever have. I haven't had to worry about experiencing losing my looks, and actually I still look very similar to what I did at 30, I haven't gone grey, just the odd one, I no longer have spots - well not often - and I'm very happy not wearing make up.

My idea of beauty has changed so much from when I was 20 though. Now a twinkle in the eye and lop sided grin are good for me.

But OP and other posters have explained how they are sort of reclaiming the word to neutralise it and take away its power. A bit like how body positivity campaigners have done with the word 'fat', using it as a factual descriptor that holds no moral judgement in their eyes. I think it's a powerful thing to do, rather than a sad one.

just who do they think they are, very shallow,im average looking but over weight,i cant stand rude people,you have a big heart not to have said something to them because i would of,manners cost nothing treat people how you want to be treated yourself,

"Ugly" and "fat" always were neutral descriptors in their meanings. They never meant stupid, lazy, unlovable, evil etc. Those were just societal associations.

Epic! I think if we stop seeing stereotypical beauty as the be all and end all for women we will slowly allow others to let go too. It's like how ugly men are still see as attractive because they've given themselves so many avenues to be attractive other than looks!

I've always been a bit odd looking. At my all girls school, I was once nominated by our PE teacher as our entry to the Mr Ugly contest on a big school camp in France. I came second, despite being the only non-boy in it.

😮😮😮

Wow, what a horrible cunt.

Im finding this thread hard to read, though funny in parts. I am so sad and angry on the behalf of those of you who have had to deal with utterly nasty and thoughtless idiots like the above.

OP - those girls on the train are to be pitied . What kind of upbringing must they have had to be so vile?

All I can say is that I have never in my 40 years looked at another person and thought they were ugly. Never. The only ugliness I see day to day is in a persons attitude and their reaction to specific situations. To me ugliness is nastiness and as such only a nasty, black-hearted person can be truly ugly. I bet none of you are really ugly and from a psychological perspective I’d be very interested to know which of you really are objectively unattractive and which of you have been convinced of your ugliness due to abhorrent comments/incidents such as the ones described above which have forever screwed up your opinion of your outward appearance.

Sorry, I know I just broke the rules there!