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Original poster

I messaged OW

166 replies

Loomy · 02/09/2023 17:59

DP (well let’s call him that for ease) was acting odd so I confronted him and he admitting to sleeping with the same person he slept with when we first met five years ago.
I forgave him then as we’d just met. I messaged the woman then who said she didn’t know I existed and they were just friends and I had nothing to worry about. Along with calling me unhinged for messaging her and thinking something was still going on back then.
Five years later, he admitted he slept with her last week at her house and last year in my bed.
This woman isn’t the only one.
I messaged her and told her I knew, that she wasn’t the only one, that DP had taken an STI test, and how disgusted I was that she would treat another woman like this especially when I was grieving (DM died recently) and had DC (not his but still bonded after 5 yrs).
Obviously I told DP a lot more and he’s had a piece of my mind many times since but I’m finding it so hard to comprehend how a woman could treat another woman like this. I would never do this to anyone and if DP wants to associate with someone like her then more fool him.
She didn’t reply to the message, she just forwarded it to DP. Which in my book makes her more of a coward that she didn’t even acknowledge me, or the pain she’s caused, or apologise.

OP posts:
CJsGoldfish · 03/09/2023 02:09

How could SHE do this to you because you have kids, that aren't his, and are nearly adults? How about, how you could show your kids how little you value yourself? I mean, this isn't this only woman right?

She's a bit player here. If it wasn't her, he'd have found someone else. That's right, he did, yeah?

Your obsessing over the wrong player here OP 🤷‍♀️

whatwasi · 03/09/2023 02:14

Loomy · 02/09/2023 19:50

Thanks for all your messages. I was hoping for a thread about the OW —to send to her— to get all the rage out as DP has been having it and I’m still left with residual how the fk could someone do that vibes.

I get you’re hurt but damn starting this thread just to send to her and wanting to drive to her to talk sense into you.

Just leave the woman alone. She knows what she did and you clearly won’t get the reaction you want from her and it will eat away at you if you don’t accept that. People won’t always react the way we want them too and we should have no expectation that they do.

Sorry but I hate the whole “women should stick together” or how can a woman do that to another woman. Men never get that shit.

pilates · 03/09/2023 02:52

I am glad you decided driving round to her house was a bad idea. She doesn’t give two hoots about you and it would have achieved nothing. All the best to you.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 03/09/2023 03:06

I think at times like this there's enough rage for both the partner and the OW, isn't there?

Yes, the partner is an arsehole, but the OW hadn't exactly covered herself in glory either. If an OW came starts a thread she has strips torn off her, and rightly so. She is the lowest of the low, absolutely vile behaviour. BUT - she doesn't owe you better behaviour, unlike your Partner.

Yes, rage about her, but accept that it's not personal to you. She is just a horrible person all round and thoroughly deserves your ire and ill wishes. Your partner, on the other hand, DID owe you loyalty. His behaviour IS personal. Don't make the mistake of letting go of that rage and thinking you can try again. This isn't a once off fuck up.

2B2G · 03/09/2023 03:08

Erm the other woman/women are never the problem, it's your cheating partner. Get rid ASAP!

Alwaysdecorating · 03/09/2023 05:05

Loomy · 02/09/2023 23:22

Thanks for all the messages. It seems most of you decided to make this about DP which was the last thing I wanted. That man has had enough of my time and energy.
I was just raging about how a woman could behaviour so shitty also.
For those asking, I have moved out and renting a house. It was DPs house so I left. DC aren’t young as someone up thread mentioned they are almost adults.
Thanks for the perspective. I was tempted to drive round and speak face to face to see if I could talk sense in to her but you’re all right, if she can do this then she wouldn’t give a shit and would convince herself I’m unhinged.

You managed to rent a new place and live out even though you said ‘do has had my rage for the past week’. So it’s been a week and you managed all that? If he was really gone from your life you would be calling him your ex.

Why would your almost adult kids be relevant to her?

It’s entirely about your dp, he cheated with her and other women. Has it ever occurred to you he has given them all lines like ‘we aren’t together anymore, she is just saving to move out’ and so on?

wavws · 03/09/2023 05:37

I’m so confused as to why you’re fixated on this woman, when you state he slept with multiple women when he cheated. What about her having sex with him makes you want to knock on her door but not the other women?

ZickZack · 03/09/2023 06:15

Meh. Of course it's HIS fault for cheating on you, and he deserves your anger the most. But she's still a horrible person sleeping with a married man and I can understand why you're angry at her too. I wouldn't touch a married man, especially with kids, because I won't have breaking up a family on my conscience.

WedRine · 03/09/2023 07:12

ZickZack · 03/09/2023 06:15

Meh. Of course it's HIS fault for cheating on you, and he deserves your anger the most. But she's still a horrible person sleeping with a married man and I can understand why you're angry at her too. I wouldn't touch a married man, especially with kids, because I won't have breaking up a family on my conscience.

They aren't married and they are not his kids.

TerfTalking · 03/09/2023 07:29

Why would you drive round and show her you’re unhinged, when the very action suggests you are.

block them both everywhere, you say you’ve moved house now but you’ve been giving him grief all week. Have you moved out that quick, he last slept with her just a week ago.

instead of looking for validation on what an evil monster she is, make sure you really do move out and never have anything to do with him again.

Blackscrackleanddrag · 03/09/2023 07:39

ZickZack · 03/09/2023 06:15

Meh. Of course it's HIS fault for cheating on you, and he deserves your anger the most. But she's still a horrible person sleeping with a married man and I can understand why you're angry at her too. I wouldn't touch a married man, especially with kids, because I won't have breaking up a family on my conscience.

The only people who can break up a marriage are the people in it. Literally no one else in the world can do that.

historyrepeatz · 03/09/2023 07:50

I'm not against messaging the other woman in case she's not aware that she's the other woman but don't see the point if she is. Obviously she's an awful person but you won't achieve anything by repeatedly contacting her and she was right not to reply and keep the drama going. Although she was part of it your ex blew up your life. Put your energies into moving on for you and your DC. If asked why you broke up there's nothing wrong with matter of factly saying he's a serial cheat who slept with x and y.

CassiniG · 03/09/2023 07:59

You don't k ow what he told her! He could have told her that he's split up with you.

You are focussing on the wrong person in this mess. She owes you nothing.

He is the one you should be focussed on removing from your life.

It's utterly pointless contacting her as she could say anything!

Janieforever · 03/09/2023 08:00

Loomy · 02/09/2023 23:22

Thanks for all the messages. It seems most of you decided to make this about DP which was the last thing I wanted. That man has had enough of my time and energy.
I was just raging about how a woman could behaviour so shitty also.
For those asking, I have moved out and renting a house. It was DPs house so I left. DC aren’t young as someone up thread mentioned they are almost adults.
Thanks for the perspective. I was tempted to drive round and speak face to face to see if I could talk sense in to her but you’re all right, if she can do this then she wouldn’t give a shit and would convince herself I’m unhinged.

I think it’s very clear you’ve not moved out at all

Feverly · 03/09/2023 08:05

You'd be utterly humiliating yourself if your tried to 'talk sense in to her'. Your boyfriend repeatedly fucked multiple women. He's the issue, and you accepted him back after each one.

CornishGem1975 · 03/09/2023 08:06

Feverly · 03/09/2023 08:05

You'd be utterly humiliating yourself if your tried to 'talk sense in to her'. Your boyfriend repeatedly fucked multiple women. He's the issue, and you accepted him back after each one.

This.

Despite what you might think, it will NOT make you feel good.

Feverly · 03/09/2023 08:07

@ZickZack he's not married. And doesn't have a kid.

jelly79 · 03/09/2023 08:43

She is disgusting with no morales! I don't know how people can look themselves in the mirror or sleep at night doing this shit!

But they do :(

You are much better than either of them OP! Hold your head up high x.

greyhairnomore · 03/09/2023 10:41

ZickZack · 03/09/2023 06:15

Meh. Of course it's HIS fault for cheating on you, and he deserves your anger the most. But she's still a horrible person sleeping with a married man and I can understand why you're angry at her too. I wouldn't touch a married man, especially with kids, because I won't have breaking up a family on my conscience.

Not married , no kids. Probably told OW he was single.

AllOfThemWitches · 03/09/2023 10:58

This thread is a real eye opener. Seems lots of women would happily sleep with someone else's partner because why shouldn't they?

daliesque · 03/09/2023 11:07

Wow you thought you would use us to create a thread to punish the OW

Yep, bit pathetic, sorry. I've been the OW - in fact my partner and I are still,together several years on - and to be brutally honest, I never thought about his wife at all.

Concentrate your anger and your feelings of betrayal on the person who actually hurt you. Not some random woman who you don't know.

If you can't get over what he's done and the fear he might do it again, then get out.

Beezknees · 03/09/2023 11:15

Just kick your DP out and put both of them out your mind. They are both bad people, but he is worse as he is the one in the relationship.

You won't get any closure from messaging the OW. Keep your head up and your dignity.

FettleOfKish · 03/09/2023 11:16

I get you OP. He's the person who's betrayed you, but personally I would never, ever, knowingly sleep with someone who was in a relationship and I can't fathom how morally bankrupt someone would have to be to do so.

Why on earth would I willingly want to shag a cheating lying prick? Because 'it'll be different when he's with me'? Bollocks it will. A cheat is a cheat is a cheat; it's bad enough finding that out when in a relationship, without signing up for it with eyes open.

Whichwhatnow · 03/09/2023 11:21

I really, really hate this (much repeated) statement that the only one to blame is the partner 'because he's the one who had a duty to care for you'. Surely not shagging a coupled up person is just basic common decency? I mean, if I see a puppy on the street can I kick it just because it's not mine so I owe no duty of care?

A friend of DH's messaged him yesterday to say she had a hilarious story. He called her and her opener was 'oh yeah, seems I'm a homewrecker now!! Haha, isn't that funny?'. So she's been sleeping with a co-worker with four kids whose wife is now divorcing him and the kids won't see him any more. Yeah, hilarious. Ffs.

Sorry, slight tangent based on the brazenness of the call yesterday! I'm so sorry OP and agree that humans should generally try to be decent to other humans regardless of what they 'owe' them

NewName122 · 03/09/2023 11:30

You sound crazy. Your husbands to blame she has no loyalty to you.