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Original poster

I messaged OW

166 replies

Loomy · 02/09/2023 17:59

DP (well let’s call him that for ease) was acting odd so I confronted him and he admitting to sleeping with the same person he slept with when we first met five years ago.
I forgave him then as we’d just met. I messaged the woman then who said she didn’t know I existed and they were just friends and I had nothing to worry about. Along with calling me unhinged for messaging her and thinking something was still going on back then.
Five years later, he admitted he slept with her last week at her house and last year in my bed.
This woman isn’t the only one.
I messaged her and told her I knew, that she wasn’t the only one, that DP had taken an STI test, and how disgusted I was that she would treat another woman like this especially when I was grieving (DM died recently) and had DC (not his but still bonded after 5 yrs).
Obviously I told DP a lot more and he’s had a piece of my mind many times since but I’m finding it so hard to comprehend how a woman could treat another woman like this. I would never do this to anyone and if DP wants to associate with someone like her then more fool him.
She didn’t reply to the message, she just forwarded it to DP. Which in my book makes her more of a coward that she didn’t even acknowledge me, or the pain she’s caused, or apologise.

OP posts:
Janieforever · 02/09/2023 21:03

Have you ended your relationship with him? Are you diverting your anger to her as you want to stay with him?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2023 21:04

So he’s still there and you’re presumably both sleeping in the bed in which he shagged at least one other woman?

I don’t want to be rude but do you have any self respect at all? What would he have to do to make you leave him, shag someone in front of you?

Forgotmylogindetails · 02/09/2023 21:06

shes not the problem.

Janieforever · 02/09/2023 21:07

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2023 21:04

So he’s still there and you’re presumably both sleeping in the bed in which he shagged at least one other woman?

I don’t want to be rude but do you have any self respect at all? What would he have to do to make you leave him, shag someone in front of you?

Yes I’m wondering that, it’s all the I’ve given him a piece of my mind several times stuff.

I can’t grasp why the op is focusing on this woman and possibly staying with someone who treats her so bad. He even shagged someone in their bed.

Soupsetscared · 02/09/2023 21:11

Are you that desperate for a man to be treated like something of his shoe.

stevalnamechanger · 02/09/2023 21:13

Sorry but she has no loyalty to you

Blame your vile partner

SpiderExtinction · 02/09/2023 21:15

I disagree with the majority. The OW absolutely has a responsibility to not get involved with a man who is in a relationship. If more women did this, there would be no one available for these vile men to have affairs with.

He is wrong but so is she. They are both to blame. She owes the OP basic human kindness and courtesy.

FatLarrysBanned · 02/09/2023 21:16

But this OW isn't the only other OW is she? He is a serial cheat and will dip his wick at any opportunity.

Let's face it a man who is brazen enough to shag his side piece in his own home knows he can get away with murder, particularly when all you do is project your anger at the OW. But yeah, you carry on giving him a piece of your mind, he must be quaking in his boots. 🤦‍♀️

ReadingSoManyThreads · 02/09/2023 21:23

I'm struggling to understand why you appear to still be with DP?

There are over 3 billion women in the world, there is no girl code between strangers, we're not in a club. There are plenty of women who I do not like or get on with, therefore, I think you need to stop worrying about this woman's moral code and concentrate on separating from this cheating scumbag you've been wasting your years on.

Janieforever · 02/09/2023 21:24

SpiderExtinction · 02/09/2023 21:15

I disagree with the majority. The OW absolutely has a responsibility to not get involved with a man who is in a relationship. If more women did this, there would be no one available for these vile men to have affairs with.

He is wrong but so is she. They are both to blame. She owes the OP basic human kindness and courtesy.

When your relationship is so bad you need to rely on other women to say no, then it’s already game over.

and generally men talk shite. The whole my wife doesn’t understand me, I’m there for the kids, we live separate lives, the marriage is over. All sorts.

it’s the person who is in the relationship responsible for staying faithful. Not others to make sure they do

MysteryBelle · 02/09/2023 21:26

Of course the OW is guilty of being despicable too but vent all your rage on your h, he is the one who pretended to commit and be faithful to you. If he were a man of good character and had kept his promise to you that being someone’s romantic partner inherently represents, that OW wouldn’t have even gotten an off kilter glance from him. No other woman would have been able to get him to be disloyal. You see what I’m saying?

You may not be ready to hear this, but it’s over. It was over five years ago the first time he did it. He’s been doing this with several woman and regularly. Just bin him. He is not worth one second of your time. If I were you, I’d kick him out, throw out every single one of his possessions, get totally rid of him and any entanglements re finances. Do it asap. Then, enjoy happy sad songs about cheating Dum Dums, have your girlfriends over for bonding, watch cathartic movies or read books. Do that for two weeks. Then have fun rearranging your furniture and your life to suit you and your children. Be very very thankful that he is not their father. And that you’re not married. Two headaches averted.

Carry on.

Noorandapples · 02/09/2023 21:29

While the fault lies with him, the other woman absolutely does deserve to be blasted. We all owe other humans basic respect. She willingly chose to sleep with a married man.

Janieforever · 02/09/2023 21:31

Noorandapples · 02/09/2023 21:29

While the fault lies with him, the other woman absolutely does deserve to be blasted. We all owe other humans basic respect. She willingly chose to sleep with a married man.

You mean women plural. As the op has clearly stated he shags around.

pictoosh · 02/09/2023 21:37

Your grief is nothing to do with her and your status as a mother is also nothing to do with her. Your partner owed you loyalty and compassion, not her.
Stop directing your fury at her.

Winnipeggy · 02/09/2023 21:37

She's not your concern, put your energy into leaving him and concentrating on your own happiness. Women do this, but at the end of the day she had no loyalty to you - he did.

Winnipeggy · 02/09/2023 21:39

Loomy · 02/09/2023 18:14

No I don’t think the woman is responsible at all. DP has had my rage for the past week. But what I struggle with is the brass neck of being in my bed. I’m at the point where my opinion of men is very low right now but for a woman to knowingly do this seems worse some how.

How is it worse than your partner doing it in your own bed? That's a disgusting betrayal on his part. For her she's just having sex in a strangers bed. Are you leaving him?

Charlieiscool · 02/09/2023 21:41

I agree OP it’s a disgusting way to behave to another woman. Of course he is worse but they are both revolting people.

SpiderExtinction · 02/09/2023 21:41

@Janieforever I agree with you, he sounds horrible and I hope OP finds the strength to move on from him and take time to recover.

NewName122 · 02/09/2023 21:48

Yabu

MeAgainPeeps · 02/09/2023 21:56

It's your partners responsibility to stay faithful in a monogamous relationship. The OW doesn't owe you anything. Personally, I think shagging someone in a relationship is a shit thing to do but ultimately she has no loyalty to you. Unfortunately, neither does your partner or he wouldn't be sticking hiz dick in all and sundry. Dump his arse and move on. His a cheat and will continue to be a cheat.

lap90 · 02/09/2023 21:57

So you are in a relationship with a serial adulterer?

Best not forgive him this time and put your energy into getting rid as he'll be back at it again soon.

Screamingabdabz · 02/09/2023 22:04

First rule of misogyny: women are responsible for what men do.

Tilllly · 02/09/2023 22:08

@Loomy
Are you ok? Where are you now - and where's he?

Maplestars · 02/09/2023 22:15

I was hoping for a thread about the OW —to send to her
Youre just going to look unhinged.
she doesn’t care, if she cared she wouldn’t have shagged your husband in your bed. I feel like you’re focusing on entirely the wrong thing, because you don’t want to deal with your H.
He’s shagged multiple women? Repeatedly. In your bed.
all the things you’ve said about her, like how could she do this whilst you’re grieving, or when h has a bond with your children etc she probably doesn’t know any of that. Your H does though. And he didn’t care.

give him your rage all you want. But he’s going to do it again, so it’s a waste of time really. Leave, or let it go.
either way have the dignity not to get in a fight with some woman over it.
i know my post is quite harsh, so just to be clear they are both awful and in the wrong and I’m sorry you’re going through this, you don’t deserve it. But all you can manage now is how you respond to it.

Seashellies · 02/09/2023 22:16

SpiderExtinction · 02/09/2023 21:15

I disagree with the majority. The OW absolutely has a responsibility to not get involved with a man who is in a relationship. If more women did this, there would be no one available for these vile men to have affairs with.

He is wrong but so is she. They are both to blame. She owes the OP basic human kindness and courtesy.

They're both grim but nah men shouldn't cheat because they love and respect their partners and not just because they can't get any anywhere else.

OP you're just humiliating yourself by messaging her, and now he knows that you know yet you're still with him so he knows you're a doormat. Oh dear.