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Original poster

I messaged OW

166 replies

Loomy · 02/09/2023 17:59

DP (well let’s call him that for ease) was acting odd so I confronted him and he admitting to sleeping with the same person he slept with when we first met five years ago.
I forgave him then as we’d just met. I messaged the woman then who said she didn’t know I existed and they were just friends and I had nothing to worry about. Along with calling me unhinged for messaging her and thinking something was still going on back then.
Five years later, he admitted he slept with her last week at her house and last year in my bed.
This woman isn’t the only one.
I messaged her and told her I knew, that she wasn’t the only one, that DP had taken an STI test, and how disgusted I was that she would treat another woman like this especially when I was grieving (DM died recently) and had DC (not his but still bonded after 5 yrs).
Obviously I told DP a lot more and he’s had a piece of my mind many times since but I’m finding it so hard to comprehend how a woman could treat another woman like this. I would never do this to anyone and if DP wants to associate with someone like her then more fool him.
She didn’t reply to the message, she just forwarded it to DP. Which in my book makes her more of a coward that she didn’t even acknowledge me, or the pain she’s caused, or apologise.

OP posts:
FourFourOne · 02/09/2023 18:27

how disgusted I was that she would treat another woman like this especially when I was grieving (DM died recently) and had DC (not his but still bonded after 5 yrs).

We women are our own worst enemies sometimes! Why is your “disgust” not aimed at your own partner for treating you like this while you are grieving and have young children?

frozendaisy · 02/09/2023 18:27

Please stop looking to place blame on a woman for a man's actions

He cheated repeatedly on you OP, no one else, you are with him.

These are his actions regarding your relationship, his alone.

Does anyone say "I can't believe that man slept with another man's wife" no they don't they blame the wife. Always.

Same here blame your DP. Not her.

msmonstera · 02/09/2023 18:30

I've been there. I know that rage. But your DP is the cheat. If she knew (and still got into your bed) she's beyond vile but the fault is with your DP. You can't fix this kind of betrayal. Get rid of him and trust me, doing it quickly (block and delete everything and go no contact) hurts more to start but mends more quickly than prolonging the inevitable relationship death. You're worth more!

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 02/09/2023 18:33

You didn’t treat yourself well when you stayed with him, now it’s happened again and there’s a pattern emerging.

Jellycatspyjamas · 02/09/2023 18:34

No I don’t think the woman is responsible at all. DP has had my rage for the past week. But what I struggle with is the brass neck of being in my bed. I’m at the point where my opinion of men is very low right now but for a woman to knowingly do this seems worse some how.

Why is it worse for a woman to do it? She doesn’t know you, hasn’t made any commitment to you and doesn’t owe you anything. Unlike your DP. It’s a form of misogyny to hold women to a higher standard than you do men - it’s worth thinking about why you expect a random woman to behave better than your partner.

I understand you’re angry and upset, but it’s misplaced lashing out at her.

He may have had your rage for the past week, but his behaviour has never changed and, despite the rage you’ve told him you’ll accept it from him. That’s your problem, accepting the unacceptable from him - maybe consider why that is and raise your standards.

Katrinawaves · 02/09/2023 18:34

It’s perfectly possible for both the DP and the OW to be total shits and for them both to have the morals of a gutter cat

FWIW, OP this woman sounds like a total POS and I hope she realised that even for a few seconds when she got your email.

hope you are ok

MyPurpleHeart · 02/09/2023 18:36

Shinyandnew1 · 02/09/2023 18:18

She owes you nothing. If it doesn’t bother him having sex with her in your bed, it’s hardly going to bother her.

This.

She hasn't betrayed you OP.

fortnumsfinest · 02/09/2023 18:39

You say he's had your rage for the past week, does that mean you are still with him?
The OW is irrelevant here, he's the one you have an issue with and if you forgive him again you're literally saying you'll put up any of his shit.
Telling him you're angry will not stop a serial cheat, which is what he is, doing it over and over again

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 02/09/2023 18:40

But you've kicked him out now surely?

So you can forget about him and her and move forward with your life.

Redglitter · 02/09/2023 18:42

This happens all the time on here. The rage directed to the OW instead of the husband/partner

I dont see why it seems worse her having sex with him, she owes you nothing. She isn't the one cheating on you, breaking your family up. Forget about her. Concentrate on kicking him out

Grahambella · 02/09/2023 18:44

He is a low life and he will continue as he has no respect for himself or anyone else. His priority in life is him and you need to get rid as he is showing your child what is acceptable.

No kids together and not married? Get rid he’s a loser who has no self respect or integrity. He’s a proven liar - he has no self worth. No-one or nothing can make you betray your integrity or beliefs. Nothing you did caused this. You can’t make anyone cheat.

Let her have him, he’s not worth keeping. Wish them well and send him on his way with a smile. Grieve alone afterwards.

Pottyberry · 02/09/2023 18:47

So what both of them have done is appalling IMHO, but she doesn't love you, share a life with you or promise you fidelity- he does.

Are you going to forgive him and stay with him @Loomy ?

TheYadaYada · 02/09/2023 18:52

Your (hopefully ex) partner is the problem here, not the woman.

I too would think you were unhinged for messaging her. Rise above it and throw out your cheating partner.

Lastchancechica · 02/09/2023 18:56

How can what the OW has done be worse than the betrayal of your dp?

She is a convenient target, but he is the one that deserves your rage.

neverenoughwine · 02/09/2023 19:07

Whilst I absolutely agree that women should support and respect each other, sadly some women are just pieces of shit!!

As for your fella....... What a twat! Get rid, she's welcome to him.

Move on, hold your head high and you'll find a partner that deserves you!

Good luck xx

Olika · 02/09/2023 19:09

I hope you have already broken up with him. He cheated on you several time now, he's not going to change.

VeronicaSawyer89 · 02/09/2023 19:11

He's now ex-DP, right? Because if he's not I'm sorry to be harsh but you're being a mug.

Toucanfusingforme · 02/09/2023 19:12

While agreeing entirely that it is the DPs choice to be unfaithful and he is responsible for it and deserves the anger , I really don’t understand the idea that the OW (according to some MN users) is essentially blameless. If she doesn’t know he’s married /attached fair enough, she is as much a victim as his partner. But sleeping with someone you know is attached is an awful thing to do. Saying “she doesn’t owe you anything because you’re not in a relationship with her” is no explanation. What about the expectation of one human being treating another with some basic respect and consideration? Especially woman to woman. As far as I’m concerned an OW like that deserves disdain and anger. Nowhere near as much as the cheating partner, but she still deserves some!

FinallyHere · 02/09/2023 19:13

finding it so hard to comprehend how a woman could treat another woman like this. I would never do this to anyone and if DP wants to associate with someone like her then more fool him.

While I don't admire her conduct, I really feel that your anger would be better directed towards your partner.

Cheaters are going to cheat.

The OW can't control what happens to you. If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. Sorry.

Alwaysdecorating · 02/09/2023 19:15

Look I get the anger at her. and I think screwing over someone else is a shitty things to do,

But I think trying to make her actions out to be worse because you were grieving and have a child, who isn’t even partners is odd. She is going to sleep with himZ she has shown that. He is going to sleep with her. He has shown that. It’s a shitty thing to do. But expecting her to take your grief and child into account? When he didn’t either is odd. Do you think it would have been less bad, if it was before your mum died?

I get the distinct impression your dp is going to remain your dp. While I don’t like people who cheat or people who sleep with people who are attached, I think you have a cheek wanting to go after her and rage about her when you will stay with your dp and move on with him. And he will do it again. He has probably done it more than twice.

She isn’t anybody really. She isn’t the one to be concerned about. What her actions say about her doesn’t really matter. And if it doesn’t bother you enough to get rid of him, why does it bother you enough to hate her?

MrsMous · 02/09/2023 19:15

Stop allowing him your rage and start counting out his bus fare. He should be long gone

GodDammitCecil · 02/09/2023 19:16

Stop messaging her!

Are you going to break up with your relentlessly cheating partner or not?

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/09/2023 19:27

I get the anger, I really do. I wanted the OW in my situation to know how much hurt she was helping cause and what I thought of her.

Didnt make me feel better though. She didnt ignore me but did send me a load of abuse about how I must be a shit wife if he was happy to shag her whenever he could. She had zero remorse, literally not one single shit given. I ended up feeling worse.

You are making the mistake of assuming that she would react with shame and guilt, but if she was capable of doing that then she wouldnt have been in your bed in the first place would she?

I hope that you are kicking him out on the basis that this is the THIRD time he has done this, and thats just the ones you know about. A one off might be able to be moved past with work, but this shows that he will never be faithful and you would be foolish to think he will.

MumblesParty · 02/09/2023 19:29

OP as usual all the OWs will be on this thread, telling you the OW owes you nothing, and it’s perfectly fine to shag someone else’s partner as long as you’re not friends with that person. Twisted logic, but sadly predictable on here.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 02/09/2023 19:29

In his eyes he had the green light to cheat because you forgave him previously..