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Original poster

Teens visiting grandparents - what are reasonable expectations?

137 replies

Labbingtons · 01/09/2023 07:58

Grandparents (my DM and DF, and DMIL) live 1.5 hours drive away in separate directions. My DP are great at coming to see us and will happily drive down for lunch via a National Trust property and the kids (12 and 14) still sometimes enjoy going to stay with them in the holidays.

DMIL lives in France from
Easter to the end of the summer and in Central London most of the rest of the year. This means that Easter/ summer holiday visits are out. She is fit and active, still working at 78, with a busy social life. She is happy to visit us for a whole weekend, but not for the day, which can be tricky with busy teens and full-time jobs.

MIL is keen to arrange a post-summer family get-together at her’s but DD14 says she does not wish to do this in term time any more. She does not really enjoy the visits, but has grinned and bore it so far, and says she is not willing to give up her only day at home (she has Saturday school) for a visit. My feeling is she’s now old enough to choose whether to come and I’m not going to bribe or force her. DH is inclined to agree with us, but I know DMIL will not understand why we don’t insist she comes.

In short, what are reasonable expectations around reluctant teens visiting grandparents?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 01/09/2023 08:02

I agree that you can’t force them at that age, but I did always make them do a thank you letter or text for presents.
When my in laws came round and the kids were in I’d make them come down to say bye, but that’s it.

Original poster
Labbingtons · 01/09/2023 08:04

Thank you. I’m on a similar page to you, but I worry I’m being a bit ‘soft’ on the issue.

OP posts:
OuldWitch · 01/09/2023 08:06

At 14 I think it’s reasonable to expect her to go tbh.

Assuming it’s just one Sunday l think she should go. She’s still at a point in her life where doing things for others occasionally is a valuable lesson.

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Clymene · 01/09/2023 08:07

How often? I don't make seeing grandparents for lunch 4 times a year optional.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 01/09/2023 08:08

Raising your dc to en respectful and appreciative of nice relatives is a must imo. If that means a visit and a fake smile then so be it. Friends still be there when she gets back..

TheaBrandt · 01/09/2023 08:08

She has to go. Some things are a three line whip. Good lesson in life. Would say differently if it was very frequent.

Our similar age dds had a weekend in a deadly dull hotel with in laws because it meant a lot to in laws.

Banrockmystation · 01/09/2023 08:09

She needs to suck it up. It’s one day and you barely see her.

FrankUnderwoodsWife · 01/09/2023 08:10

Agree with everyone saying she has to go. Sometimes you just have to suck up and do things you don’t want to. It’s a good life lesson.

Do you go and stay with MIL when she is in France for holidays?

Soontobe60 · 01/09/2023 08:11

I think it’s very entitled of her to not want to see her grandma once in a blue moon. If my DDs had done this I would have been very annoyed. One day, OP, you too will be old with grandchildren who may not want to visit you for no other reason than it takes them away from their friends / social life / hobbies. If she wants to socialise with friends, she can give up one day of Saturday school once in a while.

Baconking · 01/09/2023 08:12

My DS is 17 and not coming to visit his nan with us every 3 months or so is not an option.

My MIL is 80 and the last of 4 grandparents, she won't be around forever and she loves to see him and comment on how tall he is.

I could understand if it was every weekend but it's not

EquallyDetermined · 01/09/2023 08:15

Not optional here either, we do check calendars carefully and avoid exam periods etc but we arrange a date and go, the (older teen) DCs have never put up any opposition but I know they do get bored after a few hours. We only go for a day now, not a weekend. However they do get on well with their grandparents and regularly text with them and speak to them on the phone.

NuffSaidSam · 01/09/2023 08:16

It depends on frequency, if they haven't seen MIL since Easter and she wants one weekend between now and Christmas I'd tell the teens to suck it up. Learning to give up one Sunday a year to make someone else happy is a great lesson.

If MIL is talking about several weekends, then I'd make DD do the first and one at Christmas but let her skip the rest.

Out of interest, why can't you go an visit her in France? That'd probably be more fun for the teens and could take place in the summer holidays.

Sundaefraise · 01/09/2023 08:16

So we’re talking one Sunday in London? I actually would consider bribing her with something fun while you’re down there, but I would want her to come.

EquallyDetermined · 01/09/2023 08:18

I agree about the frequency too, with both sets of GPs we only see them once every 2-3 months, I wouldn't try and make them go every weekend or similar.

saraclara · 01/09/2023 08:18

As a grandmother of pre-schoolers, this makes me so sad. I'm prepared for my DGCs to have lives and not see my as much when they're teens, but this is so hard to read.

As is this:
When my in laws came round and the kids were in I’d make them come down to say bye, but that’s it.

My in laws lived a distance away that meant at least an overnight stay and we'd go every couple of months. But my teens always came (other commitments permitting). And as young adults they'd make their own trips, as did their cousins.

So yes, she comes with you. Family is important.

Sirzy · 01/09/2023 08:19

I think a few days a year to go and see grands-parents isn’t a lot to ask. Sometimes in life we have to do things that aren’t our first choice, that’s life.

NuffSaidSam · 01/09/2023 08:19

I'd also consider letting DD miss one week at Saturday school and going on Saturday to see MIL and then giving DD her Sunday at home.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/09/2023 08:20

Sometimes life isn't just about what we want. At 14, she should know this and see her Nan as it's the kind thing to do.

The thing she should be kicking off about is Saturday school!

2reefsin30knots · 01/09/2023 08:22

Can you plan it for exeat?

Or make it a Saturday and call her in sick (I can see that if she weekly boards this might be tricky to pull off)?

DelurkingAJ · 01/09/2023 08:23

It was optional for us once we were actively visiting by ourselves (about 17 when I would drive myself the two hours in the holidays to stay with DGM).

2reefsin30knots · 01/09/2023 08:24

Saturday school is not a separate thing. It's just another day of school- regular lessons and then sports usually- at boarding schools.

Overrunwithlego · 01/09/2023 08:25

@saraclara I know exactly what you mean. My in laws died in a short space of time when the kids were 10 and 6. It meant they died knowing that their DGC were always excited to see them, loved doing things with them.

Kids are now 12 and 15 and although they do see my parents a lot (and in the above scenario they would be coming!) they don’t come every time now (not the 15 year old anyway) - we live an hour away. And of course there is not so much for them to do when they are there - my DM loved baking with them and so on. My parents are quite OK and sanguine about it but it does make me a bit sad.

mypugstoplooking · 01/09/2023 08:25

It isn't every other weekend which we had to do.

I would remind her who her Grandparent is ie your Dh's Mum and you would be most upset if your future Grandchild wouldn't come and see you or your Dh. She goes, she sticks a smile on her face. It is a good lesson in learning to deal with situations like this, no doubt in future she will either have a job where there are people she dislikes or is uninterested in chatting to, also friends of friends. She needs to know that maybe she already is that friend of a friend in a social group and someone may really dislike her, how would she wish to be treated? Cordially? With respect? Then she has to give it too. Learn it now with Grandparents etc.

Runnersandtoms · 01/09/2023 08:35

I would definitely make her come in this situation. It's not like she sees the grandparent all the time. We had a similar thing the other day when my nephew who lives a plane ride away from my parents said he didn't want to go round to the grandparents because he wanted to hang out with his friend. If it had been my child I would have pointed out that your grandparents won't be around forever and that later on you will feel guilty that you didn't make the small effort when you were a teen.

AnSolas · 01/09/2023 08:36

If you teach your child that spending 1 day to visit family for a nice sit down lunch is too much then plan very carefully for your own old age because as pp said this is a life lesson on how to keep in contact with her wider family (so that is also you DH and your 12 year old).
If in 10 years time when she will have her own life will you expect her to visit you?