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Original poster

Teens visiting grandparents - what are reasonable expectations?

137 replies

Labbingtons · 01/09/2023 07:58

Grandparents (my DM and DF, and DMIL) live 1.5 hours drive away in separate directions. My DP are great at coming to see us and will happily drive down for lunch via a National Trust property and the kids (12 and 14) still sometimes enjoy going to stay with them in the holidays.

DMIL lives in France from
Easter to the end of the summer and in Central London most of the rest of the year. This means that Easter/ summer holiday visits are out. She is fit and active, still working at 78, with a busy social life. She is happy to visit us for a whole weekend, but not for the day, which can be tricky with busy teens and full-time jobs.

MIL is keen to arrange a post-summer family get-together at her’s but DD14 says she does not wish to do this in term time any more. She does not really enjoy the visits, but has grinned and bore it so far, and says she is not willing to give up her only day at home (she has Saturday school) for a visit. My feeling is she’s now old enough to choose whether to come and I’m not going to bribe or force her. DH is inclined to agree with us, but I know DMIL will not understand why we don’t insist she comes.

In short, what are reasonable expectations around reluctant teens visiting grandparents?

OP posts:
blueboatsgreensea · 01/09/2023 08:41

It wouldn't be optional at 14 in my family. It obviously all depends on how you as parents see family ties.
If you believe that family is important, then whether someone particularly enjoys going, or has a good time , is not the point. The act of going to visit someone in the family, is a way of showing that you can look out for people, even if it's not the most exciting experience for you.
If you as parents don't believe that consciously making a point of seeing relatives is valuable to society as a whole, then there's no point in making her come.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 01/09/2023 08:42

I would never have been given the option at that age. She's fourteen - she needs to suck it up and spend time with grandma.

Cantstaystuckforever · 01/09/2023 08:42

You don't sound like you like her very much, or want her to spend much time with her family.

  • Many people much younger than 78 wouldn't want to do 3 hours of solo driving in a day.
  • It's not really a good justification to say that she can't stay overnight due to teens and jobs, when she's got her own car, teens can be self-sufficient and you're not working then anyway.
  • Plenty of families voluntarily visit France in France for Easter and summer holidays, so presumably it's not really true that visiting her during holidays is 'out', it means that you choose not to - which is totally ok

Unless there's a massive drip feed about her being awful, of course your DD (and you) have to grin and bare it. A day in central London shouldn't be such a hardship, there's lots else to do, maybe your DD can think of activities she might like with her grandmother or at least afterwards

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CallieTR · 01/09/2023 08:43

saraclara · 01/09/2023 08:18

As a grandmother of pre-schoolers, this makes me so sad. I'm prepared for my DGCs to have lives and not see my as much when they're teens, but this is so hard to read.

As is this:
When my in laws came round and the kids were in I’d make them come down to say bye, but that’s it.

My in laws lived a distance away that meant at least an overnight stay and we'd go every couple of months. But my teens always came (other commitments permitting). And as young adults they'd make their own trips, as did their cousins.

So yes, she comes with you. Family is important.

If it is any consolation, I adored my Gran and visited her regularly when I was a teenager. As soon as I learnt to drive when I was 17 I’d take her on days out and some of my happiest memories are us driving around laughing and eating sweets. She died 15 years ago, when I was 25 and I still miss her hugely.

RamblingRosieLee · 01/09/2023 08:43

I'm confused by the post but if this us regular visits then ask her to go once or twice.

Or if its just a one off ask her to go this time and it's her choice next time

amylou8 · 01/09/2023 08:45

This is a day visit to London on the occasional Sunday? If so it's hardly a great imposition and don't think she gets to opt out at 14. Of course if she's switched on she'll decide she's got a bad case of diarrhoea on the day, so may be a little difficult to enforce.

wellandtruly · 01/09/2023 08:47

She needs to go.

RamblingRosieLee · 01/09/2023 08:47

Also op she is keen too organise a post holiday visit at hers "my dd isn't keen too to this anymore".. One off or regular?

Can you pin point why she does nt enjoy this thing?

I would want to know, can you see it find out why and relay this back to mil? Then mil can adjust herself accordingly and if she winter then fine!

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 01/09/2023 08:48

I don't think the occasional visit is optional, unless it clashes with existing commitments or just before exams etc., or the grandparent has form for being horrible to the DC.

wotanarse · 01/09/2023 08:49

I think everybody should be able to have one day off a week, children included.

JaninaDuszejko · 01/09/2023 08:50

I'm surprised by this, my teenage DC still love visiting their GPs and having them visit us. And MIL is much older than your MIL and is deaf and starting to get forgetful and can't do so much any more. If your MIL is still fit and active, can't you all go to an attraction in London that the DC will enjoy so there is a 'purpose' to the visit to entice the teenagers. Will give them something to share with their GM as well rather than 'visit your GM and as a reward we'll do X'.

But I'm with the PPs who say this shouldn't be up for negotiation. My teens sometimes complain if they can't see their friends because we're going on holiday, doesn't mean they don't want to go on holiday, just they think we should fit round their schedules and there might be an element of this with your DCs complaining. Why not go for longer in the October break, would that be an acceptable compromise for everyone?

Haffdonga · 01/09/2023 08:55

At 14 she's old enough to learn that sometimes you should do things to make other people happy, not just yourself. One day in 6 months out of a teenager's life is not much to ask for a grandparent who loves her.

Blinkingbonkers · 01/09/2023 08:56

Ok, so dd hasn’t seen gp since Easter. You only need to factor in visits from Sept - March as MIL abroad the rest of the time - so you probably see her max x4 a year? Yes, dd needs to go and be nice for 1 flipping day. She can after that then maybe only need to give up a day of her 2 week half term (schools with Sat school usually have these in the Autumn) and a day in her 4 week Xmas hols. Then one day in her 4 week Easter hols and you’re done for the year. Unless there is a back story where mil is horrid you are teaching your dd that the elder generation are not worth bothering with, that’s very sad.

Bluevelvetsofa · 01/09/2023 09:01

It must be hurtful to know that members of your family can’t spare the time to get together with you once in a while. Those people who perhaps looked after you when you were small, who care about you and love you. One day the 14 year old might be in the same position.

Zipps · 01/09/2023 09:03

Your DD needs to go. It's an entitled excuse and apparent that life lessons are as if not more important as school lessons.
One day you might be the Mil/grandparent. How would you feel if your teenage grandchildren cba to see you once in a while?

WhatNoRaisins · 01/09/2023 09:06

Could she not just miss Saturday school occasionally?

Almondmum · 01/09/2023 09:08

I'd make my similar aged teens go if the visits are very infrequent which it sounds like they are. If they were weekly I wouldn't.

When my kids were small, we'd go to my parents for the afternoon most weekends. Now they're teens I get that they don't want to do that so frequently so we 'make' them go once a month and invite my parents here more frequently instead. I expect them to come out of their rooms and have a chat when they arrive and say goodbye when they leave. I don't expect them to change their plans if they have stuff on though.

So I do get compromising with teens and adjusting your expectations as they start to lead their own lives. But opting out of seeing grandparents almost completely? Nope. I know my kids will readily accept Xmas and birthday presents from relatives, so they need to learn to make the effort with them too.

PollyThePixie · 01/09/2023 09:12

It seems that you’re quite happy to have your MIL treated like this. It’s shameful.

Just tell your DD that she’s coming whether she likes it or not. End of.

LameBorzoi · 01/09/2023 09:14

arethereanyleftatall · 01/09/2023 08:20

Sometimes life isn't just about what we want. At 14, she should know this and see her Nan as it's the kind thing to do.

The thing she should be kicking off about is Saturday school!

I totally agree!

I would make sure that the trips had fun stuff for her, though. Going out and doing things in London, not just sitting in the house chatting.

Nan also perhaps could visit a bit more? Yes, a 3h round trip is a long way for a day trip, but I would have thought that someone who is moving country twice a year could manage it.

Original poster
Labbingtons · 01/09/2023 09:26

Thanks for everyone’s thoughts.

DD does not attend a day school with Saturday school. She’s at a normal state grammar school and attends a specialist music school in London all day each Saturday. This means that she does her homework and gets a bit of rest on a Sunday. So her weekends are busy.

DMIL does not drive so day visits to us are tricky (although there are ample trains). She catches the train about the country for work.

I’ve just spoken to DD again about this. She isn’t refusing to see her DGM at all. She does find her (not unreasonably) a bit difficult but that’s by the by. I think the issue is the expectation that the timing of visits visits are so on DGM’s terms. We did offer to see her last week, but that wasn’t possible as she’d already arranged a special back-to-London lunch with friends. She cannot come to stay as half term, as she’s got friends visiting from France. DD not unfairly pointed out that she would happily have seen her any weekend of the holidays but DGM is never around then. And so term time Sundays are the only option. DD resents the expectation that she must make herself available on a rare weekend DGM is free. DGM has always chosen to be in France for six months, and this has meant over the years she has never been there for DD’s birthday, even christening, and has often not sent a card, or gift as ‘she was in France’.

Her attitude to my parents is very different and and she’s never objected to a visit (although they are more flexible)

I suppose this is a situation DH and I have just sucked up over the years, but I guess I can see things from DD’s perspective too.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 01/09/2023 09:29

If she is in London anyway surely you can go straight from there to grandmas for a night sometimes?

im not sure why France is such a barrier to visits? Travel to France isn’t exactly hard!

wellandtruly · 01/09/2023 09:34

Could GM be persuaded to do Saturday evening instead of Sunday lunch? Your DD is in London then, so it seems sensible . You all arrive at 5pm, or whatever the time is, and have supper there, and then go home in the late evening.

MichelleScarn · 01/09/2023 09:37

LameBorzoi · 01/09/2023 09:14

I totally agree!

I would make sure that the trips had fun stuff for her, though. Going out and doing things in London, not just sitting in the house chatting.

Nan also perhaps could visit a bit more? Yes, a 3h round trip is a long way for a day trip, but I would have thought that someone who is moving country twice a year could manage it.

Show quote history

This, if MIL is retired and moves about countries as she wants whys the onus not on her also to visit on the hols?

wotanarse · 01/09/2023 09:45

I would be horrified if I thought anyone, of any age, was visiting me under compulsion or out of some misguided sense of duty.

blueboatsgreensea · 01/09/2023 09:47

After reading your latest post I see that the grandmother herself does not particularly prioritise family visits, especially the part where being in France means she is effectively off bounds.
In this case I would still take my 14 year old this time, but in any future discussions on the topic I(or husband) would make a point of explaining to MIL that granddaughter would be more relaxed if she could visit during holidays, because she has quite a tight schedule during term time.
At that point it comes down to compromise, and if MIL chooses not to free a portion of time for family, you too can alter expectations.