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Original poster

Teens visiting grandparents - what are reasonable expectations?

137 replies

Labbingtons · 01/09/2023 07:58

Grandparents (my DM and DF, and DMIL) live 1.5 hours drive away in separate directions. My DP are great at coming to see us and will happily drive down for lunch via a National Trust property and the kids (12 and 14) still sometimes enjoy going to stay with them in the holidays.

DMIL lives in France from
Easter to the end of the summer and in Central London most of the rest of the year. This means that Easter/ summer holiday visits are out. She is fit and active, still working at 78, with a busy social life. She is happy to visit us for a whole weekend, but not for the day, which can be tricky with busy teens and full-time jobs.

MIL is keen to arrange a post-summer family get-together at her’s but DD14 says she does not wish to do this in term time any more. She does not really enjoy the visits, but has grinned and bore it so far, and says she is not willing to give up her only day at home (she has Saturday school) for a visit. My feeling is she’s now old enough to choose whether to come and I’m not going to bribe or force her. DH is inclined to agree with us, but I know DMIL will not understand why we don’t insist she comes.

In short, what are reasonable expectations around reluctant teens visiting grandparents?

OP posts:
LameBorzoi · 02/09/2023 05:15

Clymene · 01/09/2023 20:32

I agree with this. While I do think there is a certain amount of obligation for children to see boring elderly relatives, you and your family need to take a higher priority in her life too. Respect cuts both ways.

Show quote history

That does sound like a good compromise.

Kapalika · 02/09/2023 07:14

Miss Saturday School and visit grandmother. I have a 15 yr old boy and he will come to visit his granny, my mum. No one else is alive.

GreyhpundGirl · 02/09/2023 13:06

I think she needs to suck it up. It's good manners,she doesn't see her often and you can't take grandparents for granted- they aren't going to be there forever. One day isn't much in the scheme of things. I'd lost all of mine by my early 20s,my toddler only has one. I appreciate she's a teenager so probably doesn't see the bigger picture- but you can.

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Savemesos · 02/09/2023 13:42

Clymene · 01/09/2023 20:32

I agree with this. While I do think there is a certain amount of obligation for children to see boring elderly relatives, you and your family need to take a higher priority in her life too. Respect cuts both ways.

Show quote history

Apologies for the long quote but I totally agree with everything these posters have said, especially about respect. Why should you all put yourselves out for her convenience.

Savemesos · 02/09/2023 13:48

And she could occasionally prioritise you over friends on a Saturday evening. Maybe start by giving her a set of dates in advance and letting her know what does/doesn’t work for you. Take more ownership of the arrangements.

Lillith111 · 02/09/2023 13:59

“I agree with this. While I do think there is a certain amount of obligation for children to see boring elderly relatives, you and your family need to take a higher priority in her life too. Respect cuts both ways.”

this all the way. Her grandmother wants everything done to accommodate her but isn’t willing to put family first herself.

TiaraBoo · 02/09/2023 14:13

OP I think it comes across that your DD does suck it up and toe the family line the majority of the time, where she’s now putting her foot down is because this granny has other priorities and she feels why should she go out of her way when granny isn’t and hasn’t.

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer, other people have suggested alternative ideas. At the end of the day, if granny won’t come to your house, then you /each person accepts the invitation given or they don’t.

Then if granny wants to see all the family, maybe she’s prepared to have a conversation about what’s best for everyone or maybe she’s happy with choosing what she wants to do and when. (It may not be great for you but you’d got to admire her!)

zeibesaffron · 02/09/2023 15:40

I think she should visit - its not like its every weekend or every month! Life is not about getting your own way all the time and to be honest its a nice thing to give up a small amount of time to visit relatives and make them feel loved!

My kids would give up all their time to spend one more day with their grandparents who are no longer with us (they just have my wonderful FiL left now) - MiL isn’t asking a lot here so it won’t do your DD any harm in going!

Supersimkin2 · 02/09/2023 15:51

Twice a year for grandparents, no big deal, rightly compulsory.

Losing loads of weekends and half the holidays to stacks of tribal
elders, not so much. We had this and were very hurt after they left everything to cousins they never saw. It left a sour taste, but it’s a good reminder that building relationships with family might not always be positive for DC.

Allthewords · 02/09/2023 22:29

This whole attitude of “having” to see grandparents and “reluctant teens” just sounds like absolute bollox. So bloody entitled and wishy washy, and imo more reflective of your feelings than a 14 year old child’s.

Coming from an Asian background, we grow up knowing that caring for our older family members is just part of life. It’s plain old gratitude; visiting them, spending time with them….it might not be as fun as hanging around with friends and staring at phones, but it’s such an important part of family life. And if she’s making her own choices about which family members she wants to see now, good luck when you’re older! Be a parent. Set the rules.

Karenaki · 03/09/2023 07:46

Why not go Saturday, and DD join you there after music school on Saturday evening?

Kwasi · 03/09/2023 08:08

Personally, I think an absent child is better than a present child who clearly doesn’t want to be there. Some people can mask their emotions but I am not one of them. I literally cannot put on a front.

NancyJoan · 03/09/2023 08:21

A single Sunday when you haven’t seen her since Easter, and have just had seven full weeks off school is really not too much to ask. And she may well be glad of access to Granny’s central London flat in years to come.

MichelleScarn · 03/09/2023 08:23

We have done it before, meeting on the Southbank when she or we have had tickets to a concert, and sometimes been out all together. DMIL is quite keen on making a whole day of visits though, with a big lunch, walk in Regents Park, often people she wants us to meet popping in etc. It really can feel like quite an event! It can be quite tricky to pin her down to a Saturday as she often sees friends for supper, visits her club, goes to the theatre
Grandma sounds dare I say a tad 'all for show'?
Why can't she make the journey to you, but happy to do all this? (Apologies if have missed why!)
But it sounds a bit performative and not actually about seeing her family and dd has caught on to this!

Wildhorses2244 · 03/09/2023 08:42

I’d have a big chat to your daughter. I don’t think it’s unreasonable that she doesn’t come on a Sunday if it doesn’t suit her (after all MIL is suiting herself in the same way). But it would be unreasonable to never make any effort to see MIL.

But, if your daughter is 15 and is in London independently every Saturday then maybe she could take over managing her own relationship with MIL herself? Could she text her to say “I can’t make the family meet-up on Sunday but I’m in London most Saturdays - shall we meet for dinner?” Maybe MIL could take her to her club or the theatre or to a show?

Let them build their own relationship separately from yours, with her own boundaries in place….they might both get more out of it than enforced Sunday visits.

ohdamnitjanet · 03/09/2023 09:38

@Labbingtons after reading your dd’s reasons I’m entirely with her. She works very hard and is definitely entitled to one day off a week to just chill.
If someone has lovely gp’s they really want a close relationship with, that is fabulous, but it isn’t always the case and shouldn’t be forced. Maybe dh could pick his dm up for an overnight visit and take her back the next day if it’s that important.

FloweryName · 03/09/2023 09:44

I think it’s fair enough if she doesn’t want to do it in term time. If she’d been willing to do it in the six weeks she’s just had off school then it’s not that she has a bad attitude, it’s that her fit and able GM could have chosen to see her when she wasn’t working so hard but she didn’t. Your dd has no more obligation to prioritise GM at her own inconvenience than GM has the other way round.

HoisttheMainSail · 03/09/2023 10:15

I'm with your DD on this one too.

You seem to have offered the GM lots of options but she is being very inflexible.

Presumably you made the decisions about your DD's school and music school as a family. Her not wanting to give up a Sunday in term time is a consequence of her busy life. Yes it's unfortunate, but something has to give.

I don't think that people realize that you can't just bunk off one Saturday of music school to see a family member because they would prefer to see you in the afternoon.

For music school the terms tend to be quite short, and too many absences can call her place into question. And also, I would imagine she would be in small chamber groups so bunking off means that she will let others down. (It also costs a bloody fortune).
And playing at that level is a huge commitment. Rearranging to see Granny would mean she would probably mean she would miss at least a couple of instrumental lessons, musicianship, theory, choirs, orchestras. It's not just a case of missing double maths when she can catch up.

However, more importantly, she needs downtime. My DCs have Saturday school and they need the Sunday to catch up, sleep, practice, and do homework. Despite this, one of them has a regular commitment on a Sunday and they really struggle when it gets to day 15 (or even Day 21!) without a break.

I second the suggestions of seeing Granny on a Saturday evening in term time, and offering her loads of dates in the holidays. If she does not take you up of them, that's fundamentally her problem.

jackieb123 · 03/09/2023 10:45

DMIL is nearly 80. At that age, the younger generations should be prepared and willing to put in a bit more effort to keep in touch. Daughter could take a Saturday off in order to free up more of her time, but if that's not an option, then too bad - she should go visit her Grandmother. It is a valuable lesson to learn that sometimes we can't just do whatever we want, whenever we want, but sometimes need to consider the feelings of others, be kind and put them first. It's one day, for goodness sake.

ShipSpace · 03/09/2023 10:53

Ha ha.

Her grandmother has just had the whole summer holidays to see her grand children !

She chose not to.

You can’t put that on the 14 year old.

Are some people not reading this properly??!

IndigoLaFaye · 03/09/2023 13:06

I don’t think expecting your DD to give up one Sunday out of 52 is asking too much.

HoisttheMainSail · 03/09/2023 13:18

IndigoLaFaye · 03/09/2023 13:06

I don’t think expecting your DD to give up one Sunday out of 52 is asking too much.

But that’s not the situation. Phrasing it like that give a false impression.

The DD was prepared to see Granny at any time in the school holidays (including Sundays!). Or on a Saturday evening.

Granny is being inflexible.

I think that people have no idea what it’s like trying to manage a child’s time who is talented at extra curricular activities; the DD is not just choosing to hang about with her friends rather than see Granny. She is probably managing the same number of working hours a week as a lot of adults.
I imagine that DD does not finish school at 3.15 and can then chill. She will have school music and practice to do.

IndigoLaFaye · 03/09/2023 13:59

HoisttheMainSail · 03/09/2023 13:18

But that’s not the situation. Phrasing it like that give a false impression.

The DD was prepared to see Granny at any time in the school holidays (including Sundays!). Or on a Saturday evening.

Granny is being inflexible.

I think that people have no idea what it’s like trying to manage a child’s time who is talented at extra curricular activities; the DD is not just choosing to hang about with her friends rather than see Granny. She is probably managing the same number of working hours a week as a lot of adults.
I imagine that DD does not finish school at 3.15 and can then chill. She will have school music and practice to do.

Show quote history

Granny has other things on as well. I wouldn’t expect DD to give up a prior commitment to see Granny. However we all have to make our busy lives work and do things that aren’t high up on our priority list. At the end of the day it is one Sunday out of 52. It’s one weekend she doesn’t have the whole day to herself. It’s not going to hurt her

HoisttheMainSail · 03/09/2023 14:09

That doesn't address the point. Inflexible Granny was offered maybe 12+ Sundays, and she didn't take them.

And I bet anything that Granny is not working towards a couple of Grade 8s and GCSEs. And she doesn't have to be in school 5 days a week where they take attendance.

Granny has a lot more flexibility, she's choosing not to use it.

jallopeno · 03/09/2023 14:13

3 or 4 times a year would be a reasonable expectation but I would expect more flexibility from grandma re dates. Eg. You choose 3 dates and she chooses one of those that suits.

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