Teens visiting grandparents - what are reasonable expectations?

[Labbingtons]

Grandparents (my DM and DF, and DMIL) live 1.5 hours drive away in separate directions. My DP are great at coming to see us and will happily drive down for lunch via a National Trust property and the kids (12 and 14) still sometimes enjoy going to stay with them in the holidays.

DMIL lives in France from
Easter to the end of the summer and in Central London most of the rest of the year. This means that Easter/ summer holiday visits are out. She is fit and active, still working at 78, with a busy social life. She is happy to visit us for a whole weekend, but not for the day, which can be tricky with busy teens and full-time jobs.

MIL is keen to arrange a post-summer family get-together at her’s but DD14 says she does not wish to do this in term time any more. She does not really enjoy the visits, but has grinned and bore it so far, and says she is not willing to give up her only day at home (she has Saturday school) for a visit. My feeling is she’s now old enough to choose whether to come and I’m not going to bribe or force her. DH is inclined to agree with us, but I know DMIL will not understand why we don’t insist she comes.

In short, what are reasonable expectations around reluctant teens visiting grandparents?

Granny has got all the time in the world I order to see her grandchildren!

Up to her to decide on her priorities.

14 year old obviously has a significantly higher workload than granny and if granny can’t be bothered to work her social life around that, then that is her choice.

She is happy to visit us for a whole weekend, but not for the day, which can be tricky with busy teens and full-time jobs

why can’t MiL visit you for the whole weekend then? DD can see her for dinner on Saturday and maybe lunch on Sunday.

After reading your OP I thought your DD sounded quite selfish, “not willing to give up her only day at home”, but in later posts it seems that everything has to be on MiL’s term and that is unfair.

We are

This is about teaching a 14 year old that time with family is worth it. That its not always about being an equal relationship or doing the easy option.
The OP should be trying to teach DD not to be like the DMIL

I'd say she has to go but let her miss Saturday school that weekend. I'm not convinced Saturday school is a great idea when they spend so much time at school or studying anyway though so maybe that colours my thoughts.

Oh, bollocks to that.

It is teaching her that her grandmother’s social time is more important than her work time.

It is teaching her to be a door mat.

Not cool.

Only if the OP wants to teach her that.

It is 1 day since Easter.
The OP will be in the MIL's shoes before too long. DD will have a busy life away from home and OP will continue to have a busy life too. The OP can go with dont bother to do family stuff when its a PITA when your sibling and the OP and DF have different things on during the year.

The OP manages to meet MIL and have lunch.
So there is no reason that the OP cant tell DD to phone DGM and organise a day that works between them. If DGM decided its all too much to meet her DGC at least DD tried to make it work and DD can bow out of the arrangememt.

I can understand why your DD doesn't want to go and spend a whole day with her DGM, given that she really doesn't seem to have that much free time. If missing the Saturday school isn't an option, I'd get DD to give her DGM some options that she'd be happy with. Maybe brunch so they have the morning together, rather than a whole day for example. If DGM is reasonable she'll understand that your DD is busy and she can't spare a whole day in term time, she also needs time to relax and do homework. If she's not reasonable, she won't get to see your DD, and that's her choice. There's no reason why visits have to be the whole day just because DGM says so.

I think your daughter has expressed herself very well and makes good points.
Personally she's growing into a young adult and whilst we all must do things occasionally we don't like there seems to be no compromise on your MIL part
Would your DD be more willing to go if you were involved in the planning of the day e.g. things she may like to do rather than church and a walk
I don't see a problem in tactically saying that your DD uses Sundays to do school work so you'll be happy to do something all together Saturday evening post music class, and then compromise maybe your daughter can miss church to do homework and breathe and then have some family fun after lunch

No I don't think she should be made to go!! She's at an age where she should be allowed to make some life decisions. Some children are very close with their grandparents and will jump at any chance to see them and others are not! I wasn't, I found seeing them boring. You cannot force a relationship that someone isn't bothered about. That's her choice. As upsetting as that may seem

Old thread!!

Old thread

This is old so I assume you have it all figured.

but I think a counter offer with two dates was more than reasonable. Grandma can’t make it, she can’t make it. That’s grandma saying no, not dd.

move is in grandma’s court! Same as any relationship.