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Original poster

Teens visiting grandparents - what are reasonable expectations?

137 replies

Labbingtons · 01/09/2023 07:58

Grandparents (my DM and DF, and DMIL) live 1.5 hours drive away in separate directions. My DP are great at coming to see us and will happily drive down for lunch via a National Trust property and the kids (12 and 14) still sometimes enjoy going to stay with them in the holidays.

DMIL lives in France from
Easter to the end of the summer and in Central London most of the rest of the year. This means that Easter/ summer holiday visits are out. She is fit and active, still working at 78, with a busy social life. She is happy to visit us for a whole weekend, but not for the day, which can be tricky with busy teens and full-time jobs.

MIL is keen to arrange a post-summer family get-together at her’s but DD14 says she does not wish to do this in term time any more. She does not really enjoy the visits, but has grinned and bore it so far, and says she is not willing to give up her only day at home (she has Saturday school) for a visit. My feeling is she’s now old enough to choose whether to come and I’m not going to bribe or force her. DH is inclined to agree with us, but I know DMIL will not understand why we don’t insist she comes.

In short, what are reasonable expectations around reluctant teens visiting grandparents?

OP posts:
BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 01/09/2023 09:54

Following your latest comment about how inflexible the grandmother is I'd be letting your daughter keep her own plans, doing homework and relaxing. The grandmother isn't putting any effort in to the relationship so let your daughter match that effort.

Cantstaystuckforever · 01/09/2023 10:03

So you've not seen her since Easter, never visit her in France, have your own child in school 6 days a week, and don't want her to stay at yours overnight, so want her to take trains to yours and return same day (which is presumably 4+ hours, if it's a 3 hours return drive).

And you and your DD consider her inflexible?

Pot / kettle and all that.

Mariposista · 01/09/2023 10:08

Every weekend - no. One Sunday in a blue moon - yes. 'I don't want to' is a selfish reason.

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Families
redskytonights · 01/09/2023 10:11

I posted a similar thread recently and got a similar set of answers to on here

However, on reflection, I think this comes down to whether you consider visiting relatives to be a duty, and something you have to do because it is "expected". Or whether you visit relatives because you enjoy spending time with them.

I'm not sure visiting relatives that you are ambivalent about, just out of duty is such a great thing to be encouraged.

Most people don't visit friends unless they want to. Yes, it's sad where there are family relationships that mean people don't want to - but that's likely down to a very long historic back story.

I wouldn't force your daughter to go. That's a sure fire thing to put her back up. When surely what you want to foster is a close relationship between her and her grandparents, so she actively wants to go and see them?

Tourmalines · 01/09/2023 10:12

It seems she resents the fact dgm doesn’t send her a birthday card or a gift . She’s 14 , She should go.

blueboatsgreensea · 01/09/2023 10:13

wotanarse · 01/09/2023 09:45

I would be horrified if I thought anyone, of any age, was visiting me under compulsion or out of some misguided sense of duty.

I don't agree. A sense of connection, call it moral duty isn't a bad thing, and in itself is an expression of love in some form.

I love and am close to my parents, I visit them.
I am not particularly close to my aunts, but I wish them well and am happy for them when all is good. I am also happy if my parents are happy, and consequently know that they would be happy if I connect with aunts etc.
If I were to never see my aunt again, I 'd be sad, but not distraught. If on my visits to their local area I didn't see aunt every time it wouldn't particularly bother me, but I will make time to visit if she is available and it will be enjoyable.
I do plenty of things for the people I love through duty and because it needs doing, rather than having a burning desire to do those things.

The idea that you only do what you actually have a desire above all else to do is a societal change that has been creeping in over the last few decades.
I am aware that the brunt of this social connection is held by women and I would like to see that change, however I think that it should be by showing both sexes the importance of it, and not simply by saying never ever do anything that isn't top of your to do list.

redskytonights · 01/09/2023 10:26

blueboatsgreensea · 01/09/2023 10:13

I don't agree. A sense of connection, call it moral duty isn't a bad thing, and in itself is an expression of love in some form.

I love and am close to my parents, I visit them.
I am not particularly close to my aunts, but I wish them well and am happy for them when all is good. I am also happy if my parents are happy, and consequently know that they would be happy if I connect with aunts etc.
If I were to never see my aunt again, I 'd be sad, but not distraught. If on my visits to their local area I didn't see aunt every time it wouldn't particularly bother me, but I will make time to visit if she is available and it will be enjoyable.
I do plenty of things for the people I love through duty and because it needs doing, rather than having a burning desire to do those things.

The idea that you only do what you actually have a desire above all else to do is a societal change that has been creeping in over the last few decades.
I am aware that the brunt of this social connection is held by women and I would like to see that change, however I think that it should be by showing both sexes the importance of it, and not simply by saying never ever do anything that isn't top of your to do list.

Show quote history

By "duty visits" I don't think people are talking about things that aren't top of their to do list, but things that they get no pleasure out of but only do because they are expected.

To use your example, you're not that fussed about visiting your aunt but you do it if you happen to be in the area and it is enjoyable.

Would you make a special trip to see your aunt if you had no other reason to go to that area and it was a fair distance away, and the visit was not enjoyable? I suspect your moral duty might not stretch that far. Or at least the visits would be infrequent.

Abra1t · 01/09/2023 10:28

At that age I'd have made my teenagers come along. Sometimes you have to make them do the kind and respectful thing.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 01/09/2023 10:32

If DD is at school in London on a Saturday anyway, why can't she go straight to grandmas afterwards for dinner and stay the night? Then she can come back home
on Sunday morning and have the rest of the weekend to herself.

Beezknees · 01/09/2023 10:51

I'd make my teen go. Family is important.

blueboatsgreensea · 01/09/2023 10:55

@redskytonights
Yes, in the circumstances you describe I wouldn't see it as my moral duty to specifically travel to visit an aunt who was unpleasant, and therefore making the whole trip an obligation.
I was thinking more as a reply to the poster who I interpreted as saying that she wouldn't want anyone to visit unless they really wanted to.
I was trying to say that some things aren't particularly exciting, but over time still have a benefit in doing them, rather than saying that people should automatically do wholly negative things that are unpleasant to them .

LameBorzoi · 01/09/2023 11:10

While I agree with your duaghter that her grandmother needs to make more of an effort, your daughter is being unreasonable about the term time thing. If nan already had things booked in the holidays, you can't expect her to go dropping them. There are many more term weekends than there are holiday ones, and as a PP pointed out, your duaghter is already in London!

redskytonights · 01/09/2023 11:16

I think there are levels of things

  1. Want to visit
  2. Ambivalent about visiting but it's no particular bother to do so and you're happy enough to visit
  3. Ambivalent about visiting OR it is a bit of a pain to get there due to journey/timings/practicalities
  4. Ambivalent about visiting AND it is a bit of a pain to get there due to journey/timings/practicalities
  5. Don't really want to see the person at all. Will be purely for duty/their benefit but the practicalities of the visit are easy enough
  6. Don't really want to see the person at all. Will be purely for duty/their benefit and the practicalities of the visit are a right pain

I think there are people on here that would say you should still visit family in any of these scenarios to "be kind".
I'd argue that as you get down the scale it's perfectly acceptable to visit less or not at all.

I think OP's scenario is (4) and, on the basis the GM is creating a lot of the practicality issues, I'd be disinclined to force DD. Presumably there will be other times? I actually think it's quite reasonable of her DD to say "not in term time", especiallly as she's getting to the age where she will have a lot more homework/schoolwork to do. It's not her fault that her DGM has decided to live in another country for about 10 of the 14 weeks that constitute the school holidays. Arguably, if DGM was so keen on family, she would make more of an effort?

MichelleScarn · 01/09/2023 11:28

LameBorzoi · 01/09/2023 11:10

While I agree with your duaghter that her grandmother needs to make more of an effort, your daughter is being unreasonable about the term time thing. If nan already had things booked in the holidays, you can't expect her to go dropping them. There are many more term weekends than there are holiday ones, and as a PP pointed out, your duaghter is already in London!

Why does Nans booked things have to be respected but not daughter's?

EquallyDetermined · 01/09/2023 11:29

Daughter doesn’t have booked things, she just wants chill days at home.

Clymene · 01/09/2023 11:31

If your daughter goes into London every Saturday, it's clearly not difficult for you to get there so just suggest a Saturday evening after your daughter has finished her music thing?

I get the impression you don't like your MIL much

FarEast · 01/09/2023 11:33

I think your DD should be required to go. She is old enough to understand care, reciprocity, and family ties. She’s lucky to have grandparents who want to see her. They have given live and care; she is old enough to understand that these things are precious.

Original poster
Labbingtons · 01/09/2023 11:40

Thanks for the replies. It’s helpful to see different points of view.

I should perhaps point out that, while DD finds DMIL difficult (as does DH!), I have a good relationship with her and we quite often meet for lunch or at a gallery when we are both in London. So none of this is about me avoiding seeing her.

We visited her in France many times when the children were younger. At one point, we were planning holidays around visiting both her and FIL in two different departements. But MIL now lives in an apartment in a city centre had so is not able to accommodate us. And we decided post/covid that we wanted to choose our own holiday destinations, rather than being tied to family visits to France.

I do appreciate that family ties are important. But I also see DD’s point of view, that she needs down time, time to get her homework done etc. and that taking a whole day to visit during term time is a big ask, when DMIL is so inflexible about visits. She’s such a hardworking and thoughtful girl. It would be really out of character for her to try it on just because she can’t be arsed to see someone (she visited dying FIL uncomplainingly for two years), and I do think there’s something in what she’s saying.

OP posts:
LameBorzoi · 01/09/2023 11:50

MichelleScarn · 01/09/2023 11:28

Why does Nans booked things have to be respected but not daughter's?

Show quote history

Because 10 weeks of term vs 2 weeks of holidays. And because having people already actually booked to stay with Nan during the holidays is different from completely writing off all term weekends just because.

LameBorzoi · 01/09/2023 11:57

I understand the need for down time during term, but I think it's a bit mean to write off all contact during term due to this.

I think my opinion would be swayed by the reasons for MIL being inflexible. Does she very much want everything on her own terms in her own time, or is it due to her being busy? I understand Nan not wanting to cancel her already booked plans just because her granddaughter prefers school holidays. If Nan is deliberately being controlling or demanding, I would be much less accomoodating.

RedHelenB · 01/09/2023 11:59

Labbingtons · 01/09/2023 08:04

Thank you. I’m on a similar page to you, but I worry I’m being a bit ‘soft’ on the issue.

I think you are being a bit soft, one day isn't really that big a deal.

BackToOklahoma · 01/09/2023 12:00

No, in the circumstances you have described, I wouldn’t expect my children to just jump when a GP decides they can fit them in? Your daughter sounds like she sees the situation for what it is and it’s good that she feels able to express that to you.

BakingBeanz · 01/09/2023 12:09

Wouldn’t be optional for my teens.

I’m not convinced that the GM is being that inflexible- she couldn’t do last weekend and she can’t do half term. (I wouldn’t count living in another country as being inflexible- it’s just how things are) but other than that she’s free, if I’ve understood correctly. Meanwhile the daughter is saying she won’t do any Sunday at all.

NoSquirrels · 01/09/2023 12:15

Just arrange the visit and let DD decide nearer the time if she’s coming or not.

TBH, I think I’d arrange it for a Saturday that DD’s at music school, the rest of you spend time with MIL, DD joins for a quick cup of tea after school ends.

NoSquirrels · 01/09/2023 12:15

Or ask your MIL to visit you for a weekend.