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Original poster

Teens visiting grandparents - what are reasonable expectations?

137 replies

Labbingtons · 01/09/2023 07:58

Grandparents (my DM and DF, and DMIL) live 1.5 hours drive away in separate directions. My DP are great at coming to see us and will happily drive down for lunch via a National Trust property and the kids (12 and 14) still sometimes enjoy going to stay with them in the holidays.

DMIL lives in France from
Easter to the end of the summer and in Central London most of the rest of the year. This means that Easter/ summer holiday visits are out. She is fit and active, still working at 78, with a busy social life. She is happy to visit us for a whole weekend, but not for the day, which can be tricky with busy teens and full-time jobs.

MIL is keen to arrange a post-summer family get-together at her’s but DD14 says she does not wish to do this in term time any more. She does not really enjoy the visits, but has grinned and bore it so far, and says she is not willing to give up her only day at home (she has Saturday school) for a visit. My feeling is she’s now old enough to choose whether to come and I’m not going to bribe or force her. DH is inclined to agree with us, but I know DMIL will not understand why we don’t insist she comes.

In short, what are reasonable expectations around reluctant teens visiting grandparents?

OP posts:

forrestgreen · 01/09/2023 12:21

'Dmil. It's great to hear from you and are excited about a visit. We've been coincidentally talking about this and how much pressure dd is under with school/music school and exams looming. So with that in mind please can you take a look at dd's half terms holiday dates and pencil us in and we'll confirm that with you'

Finishingoff · 01/09/2023 12:21

taking a whole day to visit during term time is a big ask

It’s really not though, is it? It’s ONE day out of a 12-14 week term.

I agree with all the others saying she should see her for all the reasons outlined. Yes, I can see that her GM is inflexible but she still wants to see her and be part of her life. Family is important.

IfYouDontAsk · 01/09/2023 12:36

I think @blueboatsgreensea sums it up perfectly.

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Hemax1 · 01/09/2023 12:40

I think you are right to listen to her.

It might be a tricky conversation with your MIL but surely if she really wants to see her granddaughter she needs to be booking things with family before arranging with friends ?

Your daughter absolutely needs downtime during term time especially going into GCSEs where workload will increase and she’s not unreasonable to state her boundaries and be listened to. Not just by you but by her grandmother.

It sounds like grandmother needs to listen and to be a bit more flexible regarding both her visits and her requests to be visited. And if the dates she is available don’t match you daughter availability then they don’t match.

Having a visit to her during term time where your daughter isn’t able to attend - as you are looking after her interests - might make her think to reconsider her availability in the longer term.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 01/09/2023 12:41

But I also see DD’s point of view, that she needs down time, time to get her homework done etc. and that taking a whole day to visit during term time is a big ask, when DMIL is so inflexible about visits.

Your DD is being just as inflexible as her grandma. It's really not a big ask for her to give up one free Sunday each term to spend time with her. If it was every weekend or alternate weekends I would agree it's too much, but she's in London on Saturdays anyway so I really don't understand the problem here

Almondmum · 01/09/2023 13:07

I change my mind based on your updates - mil can't expect your daughter to inconvenience herself to prioritise her grandmother when the same doesn't happen in reverse.

I'd absolutely let her stay home and chill.

AnSolas · 01/09/2023 13:12

Op You can teach your DD that it is ok to be like DMIL or you can teach her to be more like your DM and you

Explain that she makes time for DMIL even if DMIL has not done it for her because time spend visiting family should not have to be "equal". Its good to keep up contact just because she (DD) and her DGM are family.
So DD makes the time and the family meet even if that is a late dinner on Saterday

You encourage DD to inform DMIL of her (your familys) availabilty and work to agree the timing of the next family visit and hopefully contact could develop and they could meet for lunch on a Saterday when DD is in London

MarshyMcMarshFace · 01/09/2023 13:18

I would tell MIL way in advance times that Dd could make a weekend: half terms, school hols and suggest she picks a time then.

MIL has not prioritised making a date with family over her friends’ meet ups, and I don’t think it is fair for Dd to be put under pressure in busy term time.

Contact gets harder as teens develop new interests and exam years approach.

User5653218 · 01/09/2023 13:24

I'd go for mil meeting you for dinner after dd's school on the Saturday somewhere near where dd is. If she's fit enough to get to and from France she's fit enough to travel across London for a meal with her granddaughter.

WhatNoRaisins · 01/09/2023 13:26

If she's doing a 6 day week I think you need to accept that something else has got to give. I don't think it's unreasonable for her to not want to go 13 days in a row without any down time. When would she get that week's homework done?

Reallybadidea · 01/09/2023 13:33

As your dd is in London on a Saturday anyway and your MIL also lives in the city, then could you try and arrange a post-music school dinner for the three of you as a compromise? If MIL can't/won't do that then I really think that your dd has made a very reasonable effort and it's perfectly acceptable to say that Sundays don't suit your dd and let her stay at home.

CMOTDibbler · 01/09/2023 14:09

I'm with your dd on this - her GM never makes her a priority, so on her one day a week through the busiest part of the year for her she should have max time to do homework/practice etc. Does her GM ever offer to meet her for tea after her music or anything that would mean she fits in seeing her without it being a big commanded family lunch?
My ds only has one grandparent left, and as that grandparent has always prioritised holidays (didn't see him till he was 7 weeks old as they booked a long holiday over his due date) or anything else over seeing him and has never cultivated a relationship - so would I now tell him he has to miss out on the things he wants to do in a very busy schedule to go and be ignored? No, frankly.

thecatsthecats · 01/09/2023 14:17

It seems to be the issue is the six days a week schedule.

I'd make a meal of a whole-day commitment.if I only had one day of downtime, and was therefore looking at a 13 days on the trot schedule, with only one day to relax either side.

CurlewKate · 01/09/2023 14:25

You can't force them. But I would certainly have expected my children to attend something like this. If it was a whole day, I'd have said they come to the lunch and have other plans from mid afternoon.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 01/09/2023 14:30

This is a one off? Not once a week or once a month?

I think she has to go!

I love my in laws but at the end of the half term when I'm shattered I don't always love the idea of driving 5 hrs to see them. But they're DH parents and I love them so I do! Not least as my own parents are only 10 mins away.

AromanticSpices · 01/09/2023 14:30

Lots of people have suggested a Saturday evening visit - is there a reason that's not feasible?

Trisolaris · 01/09/2023 14:42

I couldn’t cope without some down time for two weeks so I’m not surprised your daughter objects too. She’s clearly hard working And needs term time Sundays to have some relax time.

user1471556818 · 01/09/2023 14:42

I do think she should go .It's a bit of a life lesson. Show some kindness and put yourself out a bit .

Original poster

Labbingtons · 01/09/2023 19:42

AromanticSpices · 01/09/2023 14:30

Lots of people have suggested a Saturday evening visit - is there a reason that's not feasible?

No reason at all from our end. It’s a bit inconvenient as we’d have to take a second car with DS parent/ catch the train into London for the evening, but perfectly doable. We have done it before, meeting on the Southbank when she or we have had tickets to a concert, and sometimes been out all together. DMIL is quite keen on making a whole day of visits though, with a big lunch, walk in Regents Park, often people she wants us to meet popping in etc. It really can feel like quite an event! It can be quite tricky to pin her down to a Saturday as she often sees friends for supper, visits her club, goes to the theatre (all power to her, it’s what I’d want to be doing on a Saturday evening at 78.) Sunday afternoon, eating at about two, after church in the morning is her preference. Unfortunately, it’s very much not DD’s preference. I feel a bit stuck between the two of them (but DD is my priority, of course, unpopular as that might be.)

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 01/09/2023 19:46

Just leave your daughter at home and tell granny that she can’t accommodate term time visits anymore due to school / homework commitments. Sounds perfectly reasonable .

NoSquirrels · 01/09/2023 19:53

I’d ask DD to suck it up for one Sunday this term. Then I’d promise her that she wouldn’t have to do it again.

Then I’d tell MIL that from now on Sunday visits aren’t doable for DD because of all her commitments. So you’d be delighted to all come up any Saturday and spend the day with her whilst DD was at music school, and then DD can join in the evening. Or she is welcome to visit you
any weekend. Or you can all do Sunday lunch in school holidays.

Start setting some boundaries.

NoSquirrels · 01/09/2023 19:59

DMIL is quite keen on making a whole day of visits though, with a big lunch, walk in Regents Park, often people she wants us to meet popping in etc.
Works perfectly for a Saturday. That your MIL would prefer a Sunday is neither here nor there, because you can no longer commit to Sundays in London in term time. If it must be a Sunday, MIL will need to visit you instead.

Basically MIL must choose between having everyone there, having it happen on a particular day/time, or having it in her preferred location.

She can have:

Saturdays in London, but DD missing most of the day.

Sundays with everyone there, but at your house.

Sundays with everyone there in London, but not in term-time.

RamblingRosieLee · 01/09/2023 20:09

One fhe other hand granny sounds quite inspirational and interesting.... So maybe a good influence to be around..

Smartiepants79 · 01/09/2023 20:15

It wouldn’t be optional in my house.
Mine is 13 and not visiting her very loving and supportive grandparents is none negotiable. They’ve been their for her in many, many ways both emotionally, physically and financially.
Good family is a priority. She sees her friends every day.

Clymene · 01/09/2023 20:32

NoSquirrels · 01/09/2023 19:53

I’d ask DD to suck it up for one Sunday this term. Then I’d promise her that she wouldn’t have to do it again.

Start setting some boundaries.

I agree with this. While I do think there is a certain amount of obligation for children to see boring elderly relatives, you and your family need to take a higher priority in her life too. Respect cuts both ways.

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