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Original poster

What would you think of a widow who behaved like this?

283 replies

InOffice · 29/08/2023 12:09

I'm mid 50s, Dh died more than 2 years ago after a long and traumatic illness. Some of it was spent in hospital when we couldn't see him because of Covid then he came home, bedbound and was cared for by me for several months until he died.

It was a horrible horrible time. I loved him very much and I think I was a good wife to him, but he's gone and I'm trying to look forward not back.

He wasn't very sociable or active, we lived a quiet life, which I was happy with, but quiet as part of a happy couple and quiet at home on your own are two very different things.

I didn't realise how much we were "us", I never felt trapped by it, but am definitely enjoying my freedom now, making the most of opportunities that come my way and also with a very clear understanding that life is short.

The couples who were "our" friends have been useless since he died. They were barely around during his illness, went on holiday together just before his funeral and don't include me in anything since.

I have however, formed a couple of friendship groups with people who were more acquaintances before and who have been wonderful to me. Several of these are men, although no one special. I decided about a year ago to have a policy of never saying no to an invitation, it has served me well, I'd recommend it. I've also discovered a real joy in just setting off and doing things by myself.

As a result, over the last year, I've been abroad 4 times and had 3 UK breaks, been to a music festival, done 2 week long physical challenges, seen numerous plays and shows, danced all night to local live bands, been all over the country following sport, reconnected with some very old friends, made new ones, had some fun times with strangers. I don't post much on SM, but have been tagged in a lot of other people's posts, so people do know what I'm up to!

If people say anything to me, it's usually you're amazing etc, but I've heard that behind my back people are being quite cutting about me living it up and spending "his" money etc, which isn't actually true anyway, I earn well enough to support my lifestyle. Also that I'm using all this as a coping mechanism and it will all go wrong for me, when it hits me, which could be true.

Mostly I don't care, I've learned to do what's right for me, but I'd hate to think I was disrespecting his memory.

OP posts:
Riverlee · 29/08/2023 14:31

Sorry for your loss, and it’s been two years, not weeks. Also, if he was ill for a long time, you probably grieved when he was alive, if that make sense.

You’re living life to the full. Enjoy! (Are they a tad jealous?)

EconomyClassRockstar · 29/08/2023 14:32

I would think, "Wow, she sounds like the kind of woman I would want to be friends with". In fact, I just did.

Jom222 · 29/08/2023 14:32

I would think that widow is a well adjusted woman who is living her life and be very happy for her. Don't listen to the whispers, listen to your own inner voice which is giving you the best guidance.

Isn't it interesting the whisperers are the ones who evaporated during the hardest time of your life? Your late husband would want you to be happy wouldn't he? Ignore the haters and go out there and enjoy life, you know how short it is.

StopStartStop · 29/08/2023 14:34

OP, carry on living. Enjoy your fucking self. All those with something to say about it can sod off. As I said to my wonderful therapist 'These are my days, and I want to enjoy every one of them!'

I'm sorry for your loss.

Fenellapitstop · 29/08/2023 14:34

Fuck them, I can't imagine you dh would be expecting you to pine forever more by his grave!

newyorker74 · 29/08/2023 14:38

Two friends of my parents have been widowed..one at 35 and then again in her 60's and one in her late 50's. Both have created new lives for themselves through a combination of old and new friends, travel, pets, family and education. At no point have I or anyone in their circle judged them for how they are living. To use a MN phrase, you have a friend problem.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 29/08/2023 14:44

Oh who cares what anyone says! I'm a widow too and haven't been able to live it up as much as I'd have liked, so am jealous! Great you are finding an alternative life. If grief comes along at any time, you can take time then. It's possible to be both sad and enjoy a trip abroad.

Original poster
InOffice · 29/08/2023 14:47

I'm seriously considering buying a little sports car. They'll love that Grin

OP posts:
SchoolQuestionnaire · 29/08/2023 14:51

I’d think that I’m glad you’re managing to find some happiness after a very difficult time.

I hate these sort of comments. My dm was widowed at 40 and she soon realised that a lot of those she thought of as friends weren’t. She also had the comments about ‘blowing his money’ (usually on family holidays which she was determined we were going to have plenty of as my ddad always used to put these things off and they never got the chance). He left the money to dmum so it was her bloody money and fwiw I know he would have approved of her spending it in that way (plus dm also worked hard and earned her own living). Fortunately my dm wasn’t one to give a hoot what anyone else thought and did exactly what she wanted.

Op I’m very sorry for your loss but you are still young and have the rest of your life ahead of you. Keep making the most of it and ignore what other people say. My favourite saying - Opinions are like arseholes, everybody has one.

BaaCode · 29/08/2023 14:52

You're doing absolutely great op. Take no notice of the gossips, they're probably the ones that will milk their grief if it happens to them.
I'm pretty sure your late husband wouldn't want you sitting at home moping instead of getting on with life.

DiscoStusMoonboots · 29/08/2023 14:53

My dad died around 2.5 years ago and my dear mum, it sounds, has reacted in a very similar way to you. She has cut out all the bullshit friends who weren't there for her, made plenty of new friends and discovered many new hobbies. I'm very proud of her, and (very selfishly) relieved I don't have to 'worry' about her being alone. She really is an inspiration.

She loved my dad immensely, but loves her new life too and I'm so happy for her. If anyone begrudges your happiness now - sod 'em!

StopStartStop · 29/08/2023 14:55

InOffice · 29/08/2023 14:47

I'm seriously considering buying a little sports car. They'll love that Grin

Make it a red one. 😁

FloweryName · 29/08/2023 14:58

I found that people make all sorts of inaccurate judgements on widows but when those judgements are coming from people who are lucky enough to have no idea how it feels to lose a husband, their opinions are completely worthless. They have literally no idea how they would behave in the same situation, despite thinking that they do.

They will think again when their time comes.

Gladtoblasto · 29/08/2023 14:59

Those 'people' are jealous. They are probably quite unhappy themselves and don't like the idea of someone taking control of their own life. I'd be willing to bet they are in unhappy or restricted relationships. Please please please ignore these small minded rumours. You are doing absolutely the right thing and I think you are very brave to be getting on with your life in such a positive way.

Lostinplaces · 29/08/2023 15:00

I think you’re a fucking inspiration and that you shouldn’t stop living and being the way you are for one second. Keep on.

80s · 29/08/2023 15:02

Sorry you have been through such a tough time.
If these people think you're living off his money then they don't know you very well so their opinion is irrelevant. You don't have any time or reason to go round correcting them all so I'd leave them to it. Who's passing on all this gossip? Tell them to give it a miss.

dottiedodah · 29/08/2023 15:05

I too think they are jealous of you and your new opportunities .Of course you miss your husband ,but you are only middle aged in your 50s! Just ignore them.I am sorry for your loss and it is hard .You are an inspiration just carry on and do get that Sports Car!

billy1966 · 29/08/2023 15:05

You sound amazing and if you were my friend I would be enormously proud of you.

As for those ugly people and their ugly assertions?

I would distance myself completely.

Their remarks speak to their ugly characters.

Losing a beloved other half is such a shocking grief, the loneliness absolutely devastating as you try to move through it.

How anyone would begrudge how someone navigates it is beyond me.

Starboy14 · 29/08/2023 15:06

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure it was a very difficult time for you.

Keep doing what you are doing, life is short, none of us know what is around the corner. Stay away from the jealous begrudgers, they are not your friends.

Batalax · 29/08/2023 15:07

I think dh would be happy that you are rebuilding your live in a positive way. He would know that it doesn’t mean that you don’t miss him or your life together.

Vickythevan63 · 29/08/2023 15:08

Please ignore these comments, and carry on as you are.

Two of my closest friends are widows, one was widowed in early 50s, one just over a year ago at 59.

Neither of them have been sat around moping, both have kept busy and been away, done activities etc. They both loved their DHs immensely and miss them terribly, but also realise they need to live.

I sometimes worry that the one widowed last year is doing too much, esp when she says she has loads of ‘home’ jobs/admin to catch up on, but apart from a well placed ‘Look after yourself, don’t take too much on at once’, I think, good on her. She probably hasn’t grieved fully yet, but I am sure she will deal with that when it happens.

My friends’ situations have made me realise that life can be very short and I have thought about how I would be, if widowed relatively young (we are all 60).

I recently went on a long haul holiday to join my DD, including a few days enroute alone. I was very nervous but knew that it would stand me in good stead if I am ever in your position.

RedToothBrush · 29/08/2023 15:09

Why are on earth aren't you sitting at home, moping wearing a black veil and waiting for your own imminent death.

The bottom line here, is you've got an opportunity to live life freely, do what you like without question and to have no one to hold you back.

Your old friends are stuck in a rut of same old, same old and don't have the mindset to see anything different as being valid or worthwhile.

They are jealous and small minded.

You simply have nothing in common any more nor do you need them.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 29/08/2023 15:09

Good on you OP!!
We get just one chance at life. There is no dress rehearsal or practice run.

Make the best of the here and now.

Moodwill · 29/08/2023 15:10

LastNightAPandaSavedMyLife · 29/08/2023 12:11

I would think ‘good for you’. You’re enjoying your life, fuck what anyone else thinks.

First post sums it up. Good for you.

overwhelmed78 · 29/08/2023 15:11

So recently a friend of mine died, and he has also put pictures up and videos on SM about holidays going on, etc. I mentioned to my partner that it had only been six weeks, and what he said to me really made me stop and think!!!

'Yes it's only been six weeks, but who are we to judge' he is right. I have no idea how he feels or what he is going through. I realised that I would rather see him enjoying himself.

I say to you, do what you think is best for you. You are still alive and also deserve to be happy. If friends can't see this, then maybe they weren't really friends to begin with.