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Original poster

What would you think of a widow who behaved like this?

283 replies

InOffice · 29/08/2023 12:09

I'm mid 50s, Dh died more than 2 years ago after a long and traumatic illness. Some of it was spent in hospital when we couldn't see him because of Covid then he came home, bedbound and was cared for by me for several months until he died.

It was a horrible horrible time. I loved him very much and I think I was a good wife to him, but he's gone and I'm trying to look forward not back.

He wasn't very sociable or active, we lived a quiet life, which I was happy with, but quiet as part of a happy couple and quiet at home on your own are two very different things.

I didn't realise how much we were "us", I never felt trapped by it, but am definitely enjoying my freedom now, making the most of opportunities that come my way and also with a very clear understanding that life is short.

The couples who were "our" friends have been useless since he died. They were barely around during his illness, went on holiday together just before his funeral and don't include me in anything since.

I have however, formed a couple of friendship groups with people who were more acquaintances before and who have been wonderful to me. Several of these are men, although no one special. I decided about a year ago to have a policy of never saying no to an invitation, it has served me well, I'd recommend it. I've also discovered a real joy in just setting off and doing things by myself.

As a result, over the last year, I've been abroad 4 times and had 3 UK breaks, been to a music festival, done 2 week long physical challenges, seen numerous plays and shows, danced all night to local live bands, been all over the country following sport, reconnected with some very old friends, made new ones, had some fun times with strangers. I don't post much on SM, but have been tagged in a lot of other people's posts, so people do know what I'm up to!

If people say anything to me, it's usually you're amazing etc, but I've heard that behind my back people are being quite cutting about me living it up and spending "his" money etc, which isn't actually true anyway, I earn well enough to support my lifestyle. Also that I'm using all this as a coping mechanism and it will all go wrong for me, when it hits me, which could be true.

Mostly I don't care, I've learned to do what's right for me, but I'd hate to think I was disrespecting his memory.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 29/08/2023 15:11

You need to disable tagging, but before you do, make sure you get tagged in a few dozen photos with your middle finger raised for the benefit of the jealous biddies who have nothing better to do with their time rhan make cruel remarks behind your back.

ToWhitToWhoo · 29/08/2023 15:12

I would say, good for you, and it's none of their business. They're probably just people who enjoy slagging other people off. If you were staying at home and never going out, they'd probably call you boring, miserly and/or self-pitying. You just can't win with people like that,

SleepingStandingUp · 29/08/2023 15:14

He loved you, right? You were then when the chips were down and he needed you - screw the time you couldn't cos of COVID, you would have of you could. So you were a loyal and good wife, and he loved you for it. So he'd want you to be happy and enjoy your life right? So are you happy and enjoying the life you've been left? Cos frankly, of the answer is yes, screw the whisperers and the judgers.

If you were my friend etc I would worry if you'd dealt with your grief, but that doesn't require 600 days in black hiding behind closed curtains.

Both my Mom and Mil are now widowed, both are now doing more stuff than when they were married because before they were happy just being at home or near home with their beloved husband's. Now they can't have that, they're each finding a new normal and in both cases it means spreading wings they'd happily curled up

Yellowflower47 · 29/08/2023 15:14

OP, do you not know that you’re supposed to wear a black veil and stay indoors alone every day from now until you pass away yourself? That’s the only way to behave following the death of your beloved spouse, obviously.
You’ve found out who your true friends are at least. You do you, life is short as you say.

StopThatBloodyNoise · 29/08/2023 15:15

I think you were a caring wife. You looked after your husband with no support from so-called friends, by the sounds of it. I'm glad you're enjoying life abit. You deserve it. Sod what anyone else thinks - they haven't lived your life.

fpurplea · 29/08/2023 15:16

Good lord, the advice my dad got from the bereavement counselor after we lost my mum was to keep busy and do new things. I mean even if it was "his" money, (and I know you already said it isn't anyway) so what? It's yours now, what do they think you should do with it?! Ugh, people sometimes.

Original poster
InOffice · 29/08/2023 15:16

mathanxiety · 29/08/2023 15:11

You need to disable tagging, but before you do, make sure you get tagged in a few dozen photos with your middle finger raised for the benefit of the jealous biddies who have nothing better to do with their time rhan make cruel remarks behind your back.

No, I like to have it all on my history, it's like keeping a diary.

Also, for the more positive people, it brings more opportunities. "Oh Office enjoys sport/music, I've got a spare ticket...or I wonder if she's free next Tuesday". I've had quite a few invitations from people (men and women) I don't know well, but who know from SM that I'm up for most things and getting out and about.

OP posts:
Whenisitlunchtime · 29/08/2023 15:16

You sound absolutely great. I was widowed at 46, I absolutely adored and loved my husband, he was 52. The first three years after were appallingly hard.
I still miss him. But I am happy and contented, just differently, as you seem to be saying you are too.

Only those of us who have lost the one we love actually know what it feels like. What anyone else wants to negatively make of a situation like yours they should keep to themselves. Please, keep on enjoying everything. I loved your post.

CornedBeef451 · 29/08/2023 15:17

I'd be thinking good for you!

You're only mid 50's, you hopefully have so many years ahead of you, of course you need to build a life on your own.

I am sorry for your loss and sorry your supposed friends haven't been there for you.

JennyJenny8675309 · 29/08/2023 15:19

I would think those busybodies who talk behind your back are worthless human beings and certainly not “friends”.

SparkyBlue · 29/08/2023 15:21

I would think those people would have something to say no matter what you did. I'm sorry for your loss and fair play to you OP. You sound like a wonderful positive person who is very well grounded.

Insheerpanic · 29/08/2023 15:22

Speaking as someone who lost her dad at 55 and my mum was 54. Good on you! Life is for bloody living and enjoying. Do what makes you happy! I'd be thrilled if my mum lived like you and would encourage her to do so x

fabmaccawhackythumbsaloft · 29/08/2023 15:25

I think its brilliant and I'd say good for you!

BeagleMum1 · 29/08/2023 15:27

Who is your source for letting you know that you are being gossiped about behind your back? Do you trust them? Seems like a very cruel thing to tell you; they may have your best interests at heart, but they might not?

MikeRafone · 29/08/2023 15:28

If people say anything to me, it's usually you're amazing etc, but I've heard that behind my back people are being quite cutting about me living it up and spending "his" money etc, which isn't actually true anyway, I earn well enough to support my lifestyle. Also that I'm using all this as a coping mechanism and it will all go wrong for me, when it hits me, which could be true.

its your money, regardless and this is jealousy rearing its ugly head, along with misogyny as they don't believe a woman can earn enough money - if sexes were reversed they'd not be saying your dh was spending your money.

You've had two years to grieve, thats a decent amount of time and now you're living your life to the full - you certainly gave a lot of yourself to care for your dh at home during covid - that will have been one of the hardest things you've ever done.

It was so greta to read your living life and not turning down any invitation, holidays and festivals - so good for you and long may it continue

allthehops · 29/08/2023 15:35

As my grandad would say "opinions are like arseholes, everybody's got one". Just crack on and enjoy your life OP.

DahliaMacNamara · 29/08/2023 15:35

Don't let the bastards grind you down.
Listen, I've heard people griping on one hand about merry widows (seriously) and on the other moaning that other widows are milking their grief and need to move on (because they're tired of listening). They never do it about bereaved men. And they can fuck off. You can only live your life your way. No point in anything else.

Saracen · 29/08/2023 15:37

I wouldn't make the particular unfair assumptions that your ex-friends have made, but I would have made an equally unfair assumption.

Seeing how happy you now are to be going out and doing things, not knowing that your previous quiet life with your late husband had actually been quite happy, I'd be assuming that he had somehow held you back from being yourself. I'd imagine that you'd stayed in just to please him.

It would be a big jump for me to realise that you were happy before AND you are also happy now, despite the very different lifestyle. In my mind, someone is either a going-out busy sort of person or a staying-in quiet sort of person.

Tobermoryeveryday · 29/08/2023 15:44

I’d think you were incredible and be happy that you’d found some happiness after such a terrible time. You are absolutely not disrespecting your husband’s memory. Ignore the haters!

taybert · 29/08/2023 15:47

What are you supposed to do? Wear a black lace veil and sit at home wailing? It’s not the life you chose but you still have it to live. You’re only young, you could almost have your whole life again, only you get to choose how you spend it.

Disrespecting his memory by living well? No. If he was still here you’d be spending your life with him and you could well be doing things differently, but that option has been taken away from you so you’re doing something different.

And maybe this is a coping mechanism for your grief, so what? It’s no less valid a mechanism than being sad alone or joining a bereavement support group. All valid, all fine, all no one else’s business but yours.

Good luck OP and I am very sorry for your loss.

oldperson1 · 29/08/2023 15:48

Good for you glad your coping and anybody who’s got a problem with should go do one who are they to judge

MrsPerfect12 · 29/08/2023 15:48

I think you sound brilliant and they sound miserable gits. Carry on and yes to the sports car.

allthebeautifulflowers · 29/08/2023 15:51

I think you sound brilliant. I'm restricted in what I can do because of my health. Embrace all you want to for as long as you can!

CClaire · 29/08/2023 15:53

I think you sound brilliant. I’m sorry for your loss x

Thelonelygiraffe · 29/08/2023 15:53

I'd think 'good for you'. You have realised that life is short and you're making the most of your life. I'd also think 'she looked after her husband amazingly. She clearly loved him. She deserves to be happy now, whatever form that takes.'

Anyone who is saying anything negative is not a friend. They're probably jealous of your new lease of life, and I'd cut them out of my life immediately.