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Original poster

What would you think of a widow who behaved like this?

283 replies

InOffice · 29/08/2023 12:09

I'm mid 50s, Dh died more than 2 years ago after a long and traumatic illness. Some of it was spent in hospital when we couldn't see him because of Covid then he came home, bedbound and was cared for by me for several months until he died.

It was a horrible horrible time. I loved him very much and I think I was a good wife to him, but he's gone and I'm trying to look forward not back.

He wasn't very sociable or active, we lived a quiet life, which I was happy with, but quiet as part of a happy couple and quiet at home on your own are two very different things.

I didn't realise how much we were "us", I never felt trapped by it, but am definitely enjoying my freedom now, making the most of opportunities that come my way and also with a very clear understanding that life is short.

The couples who were "our" friends have been useless since he died. They were barely around during his illness, went on holiday together just before his funeral and don't include me in anything since.

I have however, formed a couple of friendship groups with people who were more acquaintances before and who have been wonderful to me. Several of these are men, although no one special. I decided about a year ago to have a policy of never saying no to an invitation, it has served me well, I'd recommend it. I've also discovered a real joy in just setting off and doing things by myself.

As a result, over the last year, I've been abroad 4 times and had 3 UK breaks, been to a music festival, done 2 week long physical challenges, seen numerous plays and shows, danced all night to local live bands, been all over the country following sport, reconnected with some very old friends, made new ones, had some fun times with strangers. I don't post much on SM, but have been tagged in a lot of other people's posts, so people do know what I'm up to!

If people say anything to me, it's usually you're amazing etc, but I've heard that behind my back people are being quite cutting about me living it up and spending "his" money etc, which isn't actually true anyway, I earn well enough to support my lifestyle. Also that I'm using all this as a coping mechanism and it will all go wrong for me, when it hits me, which could be true.

Mostly I don't care, I've learned to do what's right for me, but I'd hate to think I was disrespecting his memory.

OP posts:
blackheartsgirl · 29/08/2023 14:12

My mum skipped off to australia for a month 3 months after my dad died, and went out a lot, met a few men, formed new friendships etc. I didn’t once judge her but I know some of her so called friends did.

im a widow myself now, I’ve bought a little campervan and a new reliable car and had some little adventures in it. I miss my husband terribly but oh the snide comments.. like aren’t you lucky to have that van, alright for some blah blah. No my love you can fuck off back home with your comfortable life with your dh still alive and judge me from there

gogomoto · 29/08/2023 14:16

Good for you!

You didn't ask to be a carer then be widowed but was the hand you were dealt. What you are doing now is living for now, and I would do the same in your place, in fact I sort of do (divorce rather than bereavement which is different but I'm still living much more fully).

Go for it girl, you deserve happiness and if that means you meet someone else that's also fine, ignore others who are possibly just a tad jealous of the fun you are having

SamW98 · 29/08/2023 14:17

I’d think good on you for getting on with living life.

I have 3 friends who were widowed before their 50th birthdays and they’ve all moved on in different ways.

There's no right and wrong way and anyone who judges you can quite frankly jog on

mytitshaveshrunk · 29/08/2023 14:17

I'd think you are bloody brilliant! Anyone saying these things is not your friend and if they're not your friend why care what they think? They are inconsequential to you and are mean-spirited and, possibly, even a little jealous. F* 'em.

Jennalong · 29/08/2023 14:18

You lived your life with him.
Now you are living your life without him.
Take no notice of what people think or say.

ManateeFair · 29/08/2023 14:20

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your husband. That must have been incredibly hard.

Secondly - I would greatly admire a widow who behaved like you. You obviously loved your husband very much. Your choice after he died was to live the same life you lived before, but with a huge gap in it that used to be filled by your husband, or to build a new and different life that works for you as a single person.

I'm sure you still feel your husband's absence every day, but you absolutely do not and should not have to feel guilty about doing things you enjoy! Your strength is admirable and I'm really glad you're making the most of life and finding a way forward that works for you.

My MIL was devastated when FIL died suddenly, and of course, she would absolutely rather he was still alive. However, one of the most therapeutic and helpful things she did after he died was to start doing things that she enjoyed but couldn't/didn't do when he was alive. She joined various clubs and took herself off on days out and started booking solo holidays and making new friends, and buying things that she loves but which FIL would have turned his nose up at or claimed were a waste of money. It's been the making of her, and while the death of FIL will never not be sad, I'm incredibly glad that MIL has made an enjoyable life for herself that isn't defined by her widowhood.

loislovesstewie · 29/08/2023 14:20

I'm a widow and I say good for you. Do exactly what you want,enjoy yourself, have new experiences and ignore those who are jealous of you. BTW, whoever earned the money doesn't matter. It's yours to do with as you wish.

wonderings2 · 29/08/2023 14:21

From the title I thought you were going to say you had a 29 year boyfriend 2 months after your husband died.
What are you supposed to do, sit in a black dress for the rest of your days? Sound like people might be a bit jealous..

You sound amazing, carry in enjoying life.

romany4 · 29/08/2023 14:21

I wish my mum had done this when my dad died of Cancer 14 years ago.
She literally stopped living when he died.

Good for you OP

Original poster
InOffice · 29/08/2023 14:22

Aw thanks everyone, I do feel quite proud of myself.

I completely identify with the lady being pleased with herself for changing remote control batteries, not quite to that extent, but there are so many things I've had to do for the first time. Take the car for a service, use the jet wash, fix a tap, I even changed the element on the oven! And driving, I'd always had a licence and drove to work, but for any "journey" DH drove by default. I don't know why or how that happened, but my first few motorway trips were terrifying. I'm a confident driver (as I was in my youth) again now though.

Yes, I know what you mean about the friends passing on this information and they are definitely in the group I've distanced myself from.

Someone mentioned about living off these other men. There aren't other men, just men who are friends and I'm always very careful to pay my own way. I'm also alive to the possibility of men taking advantage of the "rich widow" (people seem to assume that widowhood either = extreme poverty or riches, when actually I just have a decent job), but I prefer to pay slightly more than my share rather then less,

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 29/08/2023 14:23

I smiled reading what you’ve been doing. Good for you! Live your life x

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 29/08/2023 14:23

Fuck the people who are talking people behind your back.

My stepdad started a new relationship 6 months after my Mum died. Me and my brother were really happy for him, he'd had a shit couple of years, how could we begrudge him getting out of the house and having some fun?

My DP got a bit arsey about it, said that he was disrespecting my Mum's memory etc, I shut that down damn quickly. Stepdad absolutely adored my Mum, and nothing he did after her death could have changed that.

I presume your husband loved you, and given that, he wouldn't want you to spend the rest of your life moping round the house to appease the gossipers. Go out, do what makes you happy and sod whatever anyone else says. Life's too short.

Fourmagpies · 29/08/2023 14:24

I think whatever you do, you will get criticism. Some people have never experienced such a huge loss and cannot understand what you have and are going through. If you stayed at home, there would be those criticising you for not enjoying life. It sounds great that you've found a new lease of life.

My DM was a young widow, my DDad was only 45 when he died. She had a similar experience with a group of couples that they'd had a longstanding friendship with, and often socialised and holidayed together. They did stay friendly for a few years after, but the relationship definitely changed and my mum wasn't invited out with them when they went out as couples.

greyhairnomore · 29/08/2023 14:24

Good for you , fuck the lot of them.

Hadjab · 29/08/2023 14:25

@InOffice I'd think "we should be friends," because I've been doing the same since my husband died five years ago. Like you, I'm not turning down invitations! I've added a whole new circle of amazing people to my friendship group, I've travelled and will be doing so again, and I'm generally having the time of my life.

sunglassesonthetable · 29/08/2023 14:25

My condolences OP . I know 2 years doesn't feel like long after being bereaved.

I would say well done you!

There are no rights or wrongs in what you do after someone has died. Just what's right for you.

I bet your DH would be so proud of the way you're living your life now.

NewLifeHappyLife · 29/08/2023 14:25

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 29/08/2023 12:26

I would be delighted that the widow was finally getting to have a life.

Yes this I think. You sadly buried your husband ….not yourself. You deserve as much of life as anyone else. I am so sorry for your loss. 🌷

AngelinaFibres · 29/08/2023 14:25

My husband was a widower when I met him. He was widowed at 38. No children. He decided ,after his wife died, that he would still do the things they had loved doing and would still go to the places they loved going. He said it was painful initially but he was determined to do it. He joined social groups and a dating agency ( it was before anything was online). I joined the same one ( I was divorced) and thats how we met. We have been married for 20 years this December. Life is short. Life is precious. There are no prizes for being the right sort of widow. You won't get a comfier seat in heaven if you sit at home weeping all day and sadly it will never bring him back. You have the gift of life that was taken away from him. You are allowed to grab it and do whatever you want with it.Those who disapprove and then go home to their nice warm husbands in a nice warm bed are allowed an opinion. You are not obliged to give a damn about it.

Erdinger · 29/08/2023 14:26

Good for you . What other people say about us is none of our business .

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 29/08/2023 14:27

InOffice · 29/08/2023 14:22

Aw thanks everyone, I do feel quite proud of myself.

I completely identify with the lady being pleased with herself for changing remote control batteries, not quite to that extent, but there are so many things I've had to do for the first time. Take the car for a service, use the jet wash, fix a tap, I even changed the element on the oven! And driving, I'd always had a licence and drove to work, but for any "journey" DH drove by default. I don't know why or how that happened, but my first few motorway trips were terrifying. I'm a confident driver (as I was in my youth) again now though.

Yes, I know what you mean about the friends passing on this information and they are definitely in the group I've distanced myself from.

Someone mentioned about living off these other men. There aren't other men, just men who are friends and I'm always very careful to pay my own way. I'm also alive to the possibility of men taking advantage of the "rich widow" (people seem to assume that widowhood either = extreme poverty or riches, when actually I just have a decent job), but I prefer to pay slightly more than my share rather then less,

You sound like you are doing great!!

One of the reasons my DH is still involved with the group he met through the hospice where his late first wife was cared for is because the difference in how he felt he was treated compared to a few female friends were treated enraged him.

He said people saw him as this amazing guy, 'taking on' his own child full time, amazingly juggling DS1 and his job, providing for them both and 'bravely' rebuilding his life. Whereas he felt some of the women were very harshly judged - if they didn't go back to work and stayed home with the children they were sponging off their late husband or benefits, but equally if they worked too much they were abandoning their children in childcare. Same with nights out. The double standard is huge.

Over 20 years on and it still boils his blood.

HelpaFriend85 · 29/08/2023 14:27

People are so bloody jealous!!! Enjoy your life OP, your DH would be so proud of you. The woman he loved is enjoying her life.

FrogOfFrogHall · 29/08/2023 14:27

Life is precious and shame on them if they think you should waste it moping around. Good for you living life to the fullest!
You could always dedicate some of your adventures to your husband if you think he would have liked that.

Cosycover · 29/08/2023 14:28

Well I would and do think that you are bloody fabulous.

Thats a shame about that friendship group. Unfortunately these sort of things usually show peoples true colours. But you sound better off without them anyway.

Lastchancechica · 29/08/2023 14:30

These people are not your friends. They are jealous gossips miserable with their own existences!

Unless you living in a shroud of total despair anything you did would be seen and judged.

You have coped incredibly well, grabbing life’s opportunities now having understood how precious it is. You will always love your dh but it’s a new chapter now op!! If it was going to ‘hit’ you it would have done by now, it’s been years now. Enjoy your life, your real friends and those that love you would be happy for you

Deliaskis · 29/08/2023 14:30

My aunt was you, although she was older when it happened, but she had nursed my uncle through a long illness. She is now having a whale of a time holidaying, she has her own little holiday property now and goes all over the place. I am so happy for her and proud of her, that she is making this time count.

Any so called 'friends' who are saying anything other than 'got any pics to share', or 'do you need a lift to the station'....really, they can just shush.

I like your never saying no....as Arthur Ransome wrote 'take a chance, and you won't be sorry for a might-have-been'.

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