What would you think of a widow who behaved like this?

[InOffice]

I'm mid 50s, Dh died more than 2 years ago after a long and traumatic illness. Some of it was spent in hospital when we couldn't see him because of Covid then he came home, bedbound and was cared for by me for several months until he died.

It was a horrible horrible time. I loved him very much and I think I was a good wife to him, but he's gone and I'm trying to look forward not back.

He wasn't very sociable or active, we lived a quiet life, which I was happy with, but quiet as part of a happy couple and quiet at home on your own are two very different things.

I didn't realise how much we were "us", I never felt trapped by it, but am definitely enjoying my freedom now, making the most of opportunities that come my way and also with a very clear understanding that life is short.

The couples who were "our" friends have been useless since he died. They were barely around during his illness, went on holiday together just before his funeral and don't include me in anything since.

I have however, formed a couple of friendship groups with people who were more acquaintances before and who have been wonderful to me. Several of these are men, although no one special. I decided about a year ago to have a policy of never saying no to an invitation, it has served me well, I'd recommend it. I've also discovered a real joy in just setting off and doing things by myself.

As a result, over the last year, I've been abroad 4 times and had 3 UK breaks, been to a music festival, done 2 week long physical challenges, seen numerous plays and shows, danced all night to local live bands, been all over the country following sport, reconnected with some very old friends, made new ones, had some fun times with strangers. I don't post much on SM, but have been tagged in a lot of other people's posts, so people do know what I'm up to!

If people say anything to me, it's usually you're amazing etc, but I've heard that behind my back people are being quite cutting about me living it up and spending "his" money etc, which isn't actually true anyway, I earn well enough to support my lifestyle. Also that I'm using all this as a coping mechanism and it will all go wrong for me, when it hits me, which could be true.

Mostly I don't care, I've learned to do what's right for me, but I'd hate to think I was disrespecting his memory.

I think "good for you"! It's good that you are open to trying new and different things and trying to live your life in spite of the blow that would have been dealt you when you DH passed away. Sorry you are facing criticism in this way, it's pretty horrible on the part of the people who are saying this. I must say my MIL has been the same and has taken several holidays since FIL died and we are all really pleased she feels able to do it. She spent a long time as a "couple" and also spent a long time caring for him, so it's lovely to see her trying new things and going place. I'd say carry on, if someone says anything to your face I'd gently say "well I only get one life, and whilst I miss DH massively, I have tried to make the best of it and try new things".

This - 100%!

If I died, I’d want dh to live a happy and fulfilled life.

OP, my DH and I lead a very quiet, insular life too, and though by nature I am far more outgoing than he is, our lifestyle is fine by me. I'm content and happy. But should anything happen to him I would probably move to a less isolated area very quickly and start developing a much more gregarious lifestyle - I'd join in with local activities and see a lot more of my friends, renew my passport and be ready for a bit more adventure. I could not envisage carrying on with our present lifestyle on my own. My condolences and my good wishes to you.

Fuck 'em! So sorry for your loss x

Steer clear of those people being nasty. Carry on with your life. Your dh would have wanted this for you.

the thing is, even if you were spending “his” money, since he died and left it to you, it is completely yours - dead people cannot own money.

Life is so very short InOffice, and you only get to live it one, unless you are a follower of certain religions. You've had a good marriage and you honoured your husband right until his end. You are entitled, and deserve, to live the rest of your life in whichever way you want to.
What people say about you behind your back is of no relevance or consequence to you. Since they are saying it behind your back, I would actually say it is those who are passing the comments on to you who are at fault. If a friend tells you what someone else has said, you can just bath it back to them, saying "what Doris thinks about me is of no interest, I don't need to hear about that from you", they will quickly learn.
Your enthusiasm for embracing life sounds wonderful and inspiring, I think we can all learn from you! In fact, on the back of this I am going to say yes to every invitation from now on!

I wouldn't think anything of it coz I did exactly the same, Im sure there were people that bitched behind my back but who cares

I worked in a factory environment which is full of quite frankly full of bitchyness. I bought a new car 5 4 months after DH dies in bright yellow, who new even my car should be in morning. My DP's had pre-arranged holiday for them and DS but DS didn't want to leave me at home alone so I went with them

I could go on forever over things that other people think you should or shouldn't do as a widow but basically...fuck that shit

I have always lived nbythe premiss....unless you are putting a roof over my head, getting up to my sick kids in the night or feeding us you dont have a say what I do with my life

OMG did they say there was an edit button..

Thank you for posting this. I lost my husband unexpectedly 2 months ago. I am a bit older than you, but I hope to be able to rebuild my life to achieve something similar. You are an inspiration.
I did attend a long standing excursion the day after my husband’s (delayed) funeral, and anyone I mentioned this to was very encouraging.
Of course I would rather have my husband here, but it cannot be. Anyone who begrudges what scraps of happiness I can get in the future can quite frankly F** Off.

I bet they wouldnt be judging you this way if you were a man.

I have known many older ladies who have been totally lost when their husbands die - one I knew had never written a cheque in her life, husband always did it and she didn't know how to begin. Of course this is no criticism of them, they'd married at a time when the woman gave up work to care for the home, husband and children, and husband did the 'man' things, paid the bills, etc. This (thank goodness) is rare today, when women want their own money, their own independence, so I say GOOD FOR YOU! Enjoy your life and celebrate your ability to manage for yourself - those who mumble behind your back are probably just jealous and miserable with their own lives, ignore them.

And it's a MN saying I love so here goes: don't set yourself on fire just to keep others warm! 😁

My mum was widowed at 57 when my dad died aged 63. Like you they lived a quiet life as part of a happy couple when my sister and I were growing up but as we flew the nest they began going out more together. A quiet life alone is a completely different thing and both my sister and I have encouraged her to go out and enjoy life like she and my dad planned to do together in their retirement. Covid happened just a couple of years after his death and she was just beginning to go out and socialise so the isolation of lockdown after lockdown was very difficult. She has a wonderful group of friends (mixture of single women divorced and widowed and couples). She has decided she wouldn’t want to meet another man but a close widowed friend of hers has but there is no judgement either way. She deserves to live a happy life and experience joy and fun although in a different way than what she had imagined with my dad.
Anyone who makes negative remarks should walk a mile in your shoes. ❣️

I don't know you but I am proud of you! How you have picked yourself up and got out there sounds like a threat to some people because they wouldn't have the balls to live their own life to the full if they lost their DP. Yes, funnily enough they are jealous of you. Keep on being you :)

I would want to be your friend! You sound great fun and good for you for pushing boundaries

I would think it was your way of coping with the loss of your husband. I think it’s actually quite a common way to react - my DF when DM died was literally always out. It was the way he kept himself functioning.

People are small minded and nasty, take no notice.

I would presume there’s some jealousy behind the ‘cutting’ remarks. It sounds like you’re having a great time and I can imagine a few people feeling a little envious. I would reduce contact with those people.

My friend lost her husband to cancer after a two year battle, she was 47 and he was (0. Within a year she had met someone knew and remarried. She is so happy and having a wonderful time. Not everyone has been happy for her!

Mind you DF was never the ‘quiet life’ type. But I don’t know what difference that makes.

You sound amazing, and you deserve all the fun, love and happiness in the world.

No, they’d say she was strong and coping well.

Fuck em OP. I’m so sorry for your loss. I feel sure your DH would be delighted to know you are making the most of living. Now (continue to) enjoy yourself!!

Haven't rtft, but echoing other posters saying good for you and sod what anyone else says!

My grandma died ten years ago aged 82. Since her death, my grandad has learned to run a household and has been on loads and loads of cruises (highlight being him drinking vodka and eating a vindaloo - this from a man who dislikes pizza because it's too different😂). He's also got a "companion" who lives over the road. I am convinced he'd be long dead had he not done these things. You're thirty years younger, enjoy life! Those commenting behind your back should be ashamed of themselves!

How would I feel about someone who, having been dealt a bloody awful hand, then went on to make the most of it and rebuild their life so that it was not wasted?

I'd feel a strong sense of admiration!

From whom are you hearing about these 'people talking behind your back'? Be wary of them, because they're almost certainly joining in with the bitching and then reporting it back for the drama...

The people saying those things aren't your friends. How bloody judgemental! I'd honestly bin them off, especially if they were the same friends who haven't been there for you. Just unfollow them on Facebook etc.

I would think nothing of this, OP, except that I was glad for you -- I think it's a very positive approach to take.