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Original poster

My ds dv

128 replies

Ds16dv · 23/08/2023 19:47

I have written about our situation a good few times under this name and a couple of others so you may recognise some stuff.

Anyway DS has got much better with his aggression and violence. Things are not as bad as they were although still beyond normal teenage stuff. So I'm still not really able to do stuff in the average parenting way when it comes to behaviour especially when it's linked to a siblings it's really hard.

So i was looking for suggestions in the following situation.

So ds 16 might say to dd13. You smell like dog shit. You look a rottweiler. And dd13 can sometimes have a deep come back and say . At least I'm not a nasty shit to everyone like you are . That then cuts him deep and he then aggressively gets on to me about dd behaviour and I should do something to sort it. Even though he started the cussing in the first place.

Another example is he can have music on really loud. The moment DD puts her music on. He's onto me about how loud it is and he thinks her music is shit. He then gets really nasty towards her and me.

I'm just not sure how to handle it without it Turing into something it does not need to be.

The situation since I first posted about it has got better. I do want that to be clear. But its still not right and we still have work to do.

OP posts:
noctiscaelum · 23/08/2023 19:57

I have no clue abour how to deal with it, but he sounds like he is very immature, and he wants your attention. Reminded me of a case of an older child who just had new siblings and jealous about attention they get, so keep doing something naughty to get your attention.
Sounds like real cry for help to me, and he sounds like how to deal with his anger or emotions.

noctiscaelum · 23/08/2023 19:59

*he sounds like he doesn't know how to deal with his anger or emotion

Original poster
Ds16dv · 23/08/2023 20:00

noctiscaelum · 23/08/2023 19:57

I have no clue abour how to deal with it, but he sounds like he is very immature, and he wants your attention. Reminded me of a case of an older child who just had new siblings and jealous about attention they get, so keep doing something naughty to get your attention.
Sounds like real cry for help to me, and he sounds like how to deal with his anger or emotions.

Yeah there's alot of stuff going on. And he's getting help etc . But the things that would normally be basic parenting is hard.

OP posts:
Motnight · 23/08/2023 20:12

Does he talk to other people the way that he talks to your DD?

Original poster
Ds16dv · 23/08/2023 20:23

Motnight · 23/08/2023 20:12

Does he talk to other people the way that he talks to your DD?

No not really. He heavily cusses me with his dry homour but I Just say something silly to him. But obviously I'm an adult . Where dd is 13 so she going to say what ever cuss she feels to.

But he does start boarding on aggressive towards me when I tell him I'm not 'sorting' dd out for something he's also doing.

OP posts:
Motnight · 24/08/2023 06:13

I appreciate that this is part of a bigger picture but sounds to me as though your DS chooses to be vile to your DD and can't take her responding in kind.

HashBrownandBeans · 24/08/2023 07:03

My stepdaughter is like this and she’s heading for a personality disorder diagnosis. She can walk in a room and punch someone and it’s a joke, anyone else does it back they’re abusive to her. She can call people names, if they respond they’re bullies. Her whole day is lurching from one drama to another, falling out with this person, breaking up with another boyfriend, this family member did X to offend her. Steals from others yet woe betide anyone that touches her stuff! She’s the only common denominator. Not sure what you can do to fix it. It’s years too late for any intervention for my SD. She was already like it age 5 and nothing was done to fix it, so too late now she’s 17. She refuses all help and support and thinks she’s the normal one(until asked to do something she doesn’t want to then she cries about her mental health).

Lack of empathy, sociopathic tendencies, a love of drama. I have no idea how these children are going to fare in the adult world.

fearfuloffluff · 24/08/2023 07:22

What happens if you bore them with analysis every time it happens?

So in the above dog shit thing, stay entirely calm and say, I understand you said X to dd. What made you say that? How would you feel if someone said that to you? Then dd said xyz to you, why do you think she did? What could she have done? Etc etc

And try without finding the one at fault to describe how a small dig can escalate and when they attack sibling it ends up coming back at them.

And praise, praise praise nice behaviour and sharing.

Dunno if it works with teenagers, it's what I do with my DC who are much younger. I try to defuse the situation, make them reflect, also tbh just make arguments come with a penalty of me boring them about it.

Original poster
Ds16dv · 24/08/2023 08:47

HashBrownandBeans · 24/08/2023 07:03

My stepdaughter is like this and she’s heading for a personality disorder diagnosis. She can walk in a room and punch someone and it’s a joke, anyone else does it back they’re abusive to her. She can call people names, if they respond they’re bullies. Her whole day is lurching from one drama to another, falling out with this person, breaking up with another boyfriend, this family member did X to offend her. Steals from others yet woe betide anyone that touches her stuff! She’s the only common denominator. Not sure what you can do to fix it. It’s years too late for any intervention for my SD. She was already like it age 5 and nothing was done to fix it, so too late now she’s 17. She refuses all help and support and thinks she’s the normal one(until asked to do something she doesn’t want to then she cries about her mental health).

Lack of empathy, sociopathic tendencies, a love of drama. I have no idea how these children are going to fare in the adult world.

Yes this is exactly like ds. Part fron the age 5 bit. He has been diagnosed with emotional disregulation. But everything you said is ds to a T. Even the taking other people's stuff. Well basically everything you said

OP posts:
Hermanfromguesswho · 24/08/2023 09:14

Instead of saying ‘I’m not going to tell dd off for something you did as well’ how about agreeing with him that yes, saying nasty things is hurtful and let’s all sit down as a family and agree that a family rule is to be kinder. Your dd can say how it feels to be called a Rottweiler and he can say how he didn’t like being called out for his behaviour and they can agree not to do it.
Same with the music. When he complains about dd music can you ask what level volume he’d be happy with as a house rule? Try it out on both children’s music systems at that volume then write it down, get both to sign it and stick it on the fridge. That way you’re agreeing with him but also highlighting his own responsibilities in following similar rules

Original poster
Ds16dv · 24/08/2023 09:45

Hermanfromguesswho · 24/08/2023 09:14

Instead of saying ‘I’m not going to tell dd off for something you did as well’ how about agreeing with him that yes, saying nasty things is hurtful and let’s all sit down as a family and agree that a family rule is to be kinder. Your dd can say how it feels to be called a Rottweiler and he can say how he didn’t like being called out for his behaviour and they can agree not to do it.
Same with the music. When he complains about dd music can you ask what level volume he’d be happy with as a house rule? Try it out on both children’s music systems at that volume then write it down, get both to sign it and stick it on the fridge. That way you’re agreeing with him but also highlighting his own responsibilities in following similar rules

That sounds logic . But he actually his music is actually lounder than hers... he had a sound system and base etc. It makes the whole house shake. He won't agree to a certain level because it means he can't have exactly what he wants his thinking is vetg straight and selfish ie I can have my music ad lind ad I want . If you put your music on even though its lower than mine I will kick off and I can call you names and take the piss bur you can't to me. The poster above says.

But I am going to ask him and wait for An answer . I'm just going to say why can you do all the name calling piss taking but if its said back you can't take . I'm going to wait for an actual answer

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 24/08/2023 09:50

would it work if you sat down together and agreed on house rules for everyone to follow, and sanctions that everybody gets if they don’t follow them? So ‘no being rude to siblings’ can be agreed as a rule, but it means he has to follow it as much as his sister. No loud music can be a house rule, but it means everybody including he have to follow it. If he doesn’t think something should be a rule that’s fine, but he has to then accept it won’t be a rule for anyone - there are no special rules that apply to his sister but not for him.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/08/2023 09:53

Your poor daughter. Bullied in her own home. Has she not got anywhere to feel at peace? I would tell her to ignore him completely and to never respond to him. I hope she has a lock on her bedroom door to keep him out.

Original poster
Ds16dv · 24/08/2023 10:17

Aquamarine1029 · 24/08/2023 09:53

Your poor daughter. Bullied in her own home. Has she not got anywhere to feel at peace? I would tell her to ignore him completely and to never respond to him. I hope she has a lock on her bedroom door to keep him out.

They can't have locks on their doors. I do tell her not to react to him. As that's like the biggest come back she can give him. But she's 13 so doesn't really understand

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 24/08/2023 10:27

Can she at least get a door stop (or a few, as he's probably strong).
I don't think it's right that you haven't kicked him out given that he abuses your daughter in her own home.

Original poster
Ds16dv · 24/08/2023 10:56

SeulementUneFois · 24/08/2023 10:27

Can she at least get a door stop (or a few, as he's probably strong).
I don't think it's right that you haven't kicked him out given that he abuses your daughter in her own home.

There's alot to this situation. It comes under domestic violence towards myself and to dd but for her on a lower level. I did actually throw him out and wanted to get him help under section 20. But social services believe they can do work with ds and get him help . There have been some improvements but there's still a way to go. We are just a bit , well alot fed up with him thinking he's in control of everything etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Ds16dv · 24/08/2023 10:59

SeulementUneFois · 24/08/2023 10:27

Can she at least get a door stop (or a few, as he's probably strong).
I don't think it's right that you haven't kicked him out given that he abuses your daughter in her own home.

Sorry forgot to reply to a bit. There's no way to have any stops or simlar. Its dangerous to have locked or doors that we can't get in. Due to safety

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 24/08/2023 11:00

Honestly, I wouldn’t bother to engage with him when he’s being unreasonable. He clearly has issue that are being dealt with, but it’s not your daughters responsibility.

I think you are limited on what you can do, but you can ask you daughter to completely ignore him, and hope she does.

but if he’s kicking off about her music that lower than his, I think you just tell him that he doesn’t get to parent your dd or have a say in her music when he is doing worse.

if he complains about her calling him names, I tell him it’s to be expected, and engage no further.

he’s a bully, and the less attention he gets the better.

and if he kicks off, then he has a consequence.

Original poster
Ds16dv · 24/08/2023 11:08

Freddiefox · 24/08/2023 11:00

Honestly, I wouldn’t bother to engage with him when he’s being unreasonable. He clearly has issue that are being dealt with, but it’s not your daughters responsibility.

I think you are limited on what you can do, but you can ask you daughter to completely ignore him, and hope she does.

but if he’s kicking off about her music that lower than his, I think you just tell him that he doesn’t get to parent your dd or have a say in her music when he is doing worse.

if he complains about her calling him names, I tell him it’s to be expected, and engage no further.

he’s a bully, and the less attention he gets the better.

and if he kicks off, then he has a consequence.

Edited

I think your right with it all . I will just keep it simple. Not deeply explain things just keep it simple and blunt .

The consequence bit is probably a no
As we are still a bit egg shell and I don't want to do anything that will make it worse .

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 24/08/2023 11:14

Ds16dv · 24/08/2023 11:08

I think your right with it all . I will just keep it simple. Not deeply explain things just keep it simple and blunt .

The consequence bit is probably a no
As we are still a bit egg shell and I don't want to do anything that will make it worse .

Show quote history

Every time you engage with his behaviour you are validating it.

His behaviour isn’t reasonable, so it’s not like you can make house hold agreements on how loud the music can be because you are past that.

when I mentioned consequences I meant the police, you have to have the mindset that you will call the police if he is physically violent to either of you. I wonder though if you have already been there considering ss involvement.

Greensleeves · 24/08/2023 11:17

I second the suggestion of a lock or a door stop for DD - I know you say she can't have one, but you don't say why not. I would find a way to make it happen, tbh - she's 13 and being bullied and intimidated in her own home. She needs to be able to shut him out and relax in her own space.

What support is being provided for him? Is he having any sort of therapy? Do you feel that SS are doing everything they can, or do you feel fobbed off?

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it's horrendous and doubly so because it's your child. Hang in there Flowers

pickledandpuzzled · 24/08/2023 11:20

You need to deescalate in a situation where he wants you to escalate in his favour.

You need to depersonalise it as a few PPs have said.

So when you hear an insult- regardless of who says it- no eye contact, just a matter of fact,
'kind words, thank you!'.
'No insults, thank you '

Freddiefox · 24/08/2023 11:24

I second the suggestion of a lock or a door stop for DD - I know you say she can't have one, but you don't say why not. I would find a way to make it happen, tbh - she's 13 and being bullied and intimidated in her own home. She needs to be able to shut him out and relax in her own space.

I wonder if it’s due to a fear of him locking himself in with the dd inside?

firestarter2023 · 24/08/2023 11:28

Get her a lock and have a spare set for yourself? So you can get in?

Also, for the sake of your daughter is probably have him leave or let her stay with a grandparent or other if that's what she wants. Sounds like he will eventually destroy her 😢

Elsiebear90 · 24/08/2023 11:30

It sounds like he could have a personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder maybe. I don’t think you’re going to be able to do much in terms of fixing his problem or making him see his behaviour is unreasonable if he does have a personality disorder. If he’s violent and abusive he needs to live somewhere else, I think consequences may escalate his behaviour as he will see them as unfair punishments.