My ds dv

[Ds16dv]

I have written about our situation a good few times under this name and a couple of others so you may recognise some stuff.

Anyway DS has got much better with his aggression and violence. Things are not as bad as they were although still beyond normal teenage stuff. So I'm still not really able to do stuff in the average parenting way when it comes to behaviour especially when it's linked to a siblings it's really hard.

So i was looking for suggestions in the following situation.

So ds 16 might say to dd13. You smell like dog shit. You look a rottweiler. And dd13 can sometimes have a deep come back and say . At least I'm not a nasty shit to everyone like you are . That then cuts him deep and he then aggressively gets on to me about dd behaviour and I should do something to sort it. Even though he started the cussing in the first place.

Another example is he can have music on really loud. The moment DD puts her music on. He's onto me about how loud it is and he thinks her music is shit. He then gets really nasty towards her and me.

I'm just not sure how to handle it without it Turing into something it does not need to be.

The situation since I first posted about it has got better. I do want that to be clear. But its still not right and we still have work to do.

I think if your totally calm in your response and he is getting ranty, it might be worth saying, your asking me for a solution, but your not listening to me. If you continue to shout, I'm not listening. Say you need to calm down and until them this conversation is over. Then do it that. Two warnings then remove yourself from his presence.

It always stops our arguments dead. Like the fire triangle.

Yeah I do that. Then he walks away abd starts shouting ranting . Sending me nasty messages etc . And then I have to block him on my phone. Some of it is me I Nedd to step away fro over thinking abd stop asking myself what if all the time.

I just find it really frustrating and i don't understand how he can try and tell people to stop doing what he does himself and his is on a higher level. There's no logic to it what so ever and I can't get my head round his thinking. And I can't get hi to understand you can't tell people not to do something you do yourself

What are you doing to protect your daughter?

So you judge me make assumptions. Victim blame. Then decide to ask what I'm doing to protect my dd after I pointed out that you don't know what i do and that you made assumptions before even asking.

It's impossibly hard to imagine what's it's like to live with a abusive child. If it was a man you can walk. My son with asd was strangling his sister when he was 6 years old.

The only sure fire way to protect her was to put her up for adoption aged 4. Or put my 6 year old into a care home for life as who would adopt a child with severe needs?

Unless you can hand on heart say yes I'd give my child up, you can't imagine what it's like. Neither of my kids would be better off in care. I love them ferociously in a way I'm no sure no mum.with just neurotypical children could imagine because I have stood on the edge of that cliff of coping and fought. My fight has been tested and tested and tested and never once have I ever not fought and put them first.

So I don't think it's as easy as saying there's always a way to protect the kids. Sometimes it's not that easy. Socail care kept telling me how amazing I was coping while ds strangled dd and punched her repeatedly in the head.

What you and your children are going through is just awful. child violence is hardly spoken about. Not like DV from a partner/adult. It's also dealt with very differently. Many people blame the parent. Or say just do this, just do that . Ask for support. I have been blamed , judged over and over again on MN. Which just confirms why mums are ashamed to talk about it. But there have been lovely people on mn as well.

I honestly really feel for you . Wish there were answers 💐

It’s not assumptions. Ive been on your other threads too. You do nothing to protect your daughter who is being abused daily. You refuse to listen to social services. You will not accept that you need to look at the whole picture and consider it abusive of ss. You refer to your ds’s abuse as banter.

what have you done to protect your daughter?

No you just pick out the bits that suit you so that . You can come at me. I won't be relying to you at all. You just carry on and get yoir kicks

Another one here, reading this threads and thinking about how I've applied almost every single solution suggested to my own family dynamic with little to no effect. There are so few people who understand what it is actually like to live like this.

• 'ignore behaviour' - behaviour continues
• 'punish behaviour ' - behaviour continues
• 'De-escalate and remain neutral' - well of course, but then you eventually either need to punish or ignore so see above
• 'agree boundaries together' - child humours you until they are expected to co-operate and doesn't care about the consequences
• 'Bore them by talking about it' - child humours you by listening whilst you know they are actually mocking you, behaviour continues
• 'walk away' - child follows you room to room and refuses to give you the space you need to calm yourself or de-escalate
• take yourself off to another room with bullied sibling(s) - angry child gets there first and refuses to leave, leaving you with no other option than listening to them rant and rave and no space to calm yourself and soothe younger ones

I'm not saying there's been nothing worthwhile on this thread or even that there's nothing the OP can do, just that the vast majority of perspectives have come from those who simply cannot imagine a world where these children behave like they do. It's just worth bearing that in mind.

There's si many people that don't understand. But adamant that they do and have the answers 💐

What have you done to protect your daughter?

Why are you asking? You seem to think you know everything. So you don't need to ask do you.

You also previously said you were keeping your adult dd away from your 13 year old child as adult dd hates the child and backs up your violent abusive son. Yet on this thread she was round at your house this week. So two older siblings who hate her and age making her life difficult. You cannot identify anything you are doing to protect her. But you will not engage with ss.

You're damaging your dd. Each thread is the same.

I wrote a long reply then deleted it. Your not worth my energy

Connie, assuming the aim is to support this Mum (OP) to support her children more, your combative tone isn't helping. It's doing the opposite.

There's si many people that don't understand. But adamant that they do and have the answers 💐

OP, you are right. Lots of people don't understand. Access to child experts who do understand the complex situation in your home and how to make long-term, effective changes, comes through your CIN Plan.

I've shifted from trying to implor you to allow your younger children on the CIN Plan (so you get that expert whole-household help), to making suggestions you can do yourself with your family. I do this knowing it's not ideal because no one here is in your home to assess the needs properly.

Changing the subject completely - have you thought about asking your GP for talking therapy? This would give you an additional safe space to talk process your feelings about that SW you hated, your feelings about the whole CIN Plan and the general family stresses.

If the sw approach had Beeen different I may have felt different but she used to talk at me not to me. She wound demand not ask me. She would make out to ds there had been conversation about certain things when there had not. She would leave information out which would then change the true thing. She would talk to my younger 2 in a way that they had no idea what she was talking about. Abd put words into their mouth. She put on report she was using resources for the children to understand but she was not. She literally spoke to me like shit I don't get that you can speak to people like that then think we can work together. No we can't she also spoke to us like we were very below her.

Having a violent/aggressive child who's 16 very tall and strong. Is hard work. It's absolutely awful. It's also opposite to a partner situation if that had been the case I would have been made to get rid of him or have my children taken away. But in this case your pushed to keep the violent child at home. To hell with the effect it has on others. Then their support is to ask what time do I do tea. And have the children had their jabs. Its near impossible to get people to understand that's really not helpful. Then you get accused of not excepting help . Even if its the wrong help your still trod on even when you explain till your blue in the face.

The same social worker is still around for ds I'm hoping it might be different because it's just him.

I never thought about contacting GP to be honest. I don't know how easy it is to access therapy so many cut back etc. No idea how it works.

their support is to ask what time do I do tea. And have the children had their jabs.

I think those questions aren't something to trip you up, it's kind of regular questions to understand you and your family. If they don't know you, they can't help you.

I don't think they were trip up question. They were skate around the issue questions. That were not at all helpful . If you have a violent/aggressive older child who's bigger and stronger than you the most unhelpful thing is to talk about what time tea is.

I think it's kind of important, to understand the family, and how your family works. Are the children follow routine or not, what's parent's beliefs are like, etc.
It's not just your eldest ds, it's about other children too.

I also think every question is important. To determine the cause of trouble. If they can determine the action of a violent child is nothing to do with upbringing but because of the nature, then they have less things to consider.

Yes. The son is nearly an adult. The daughter must be having a hellish time with this brute in the house.

It's already Been said several times there's no issue with the other children. There are no concerns over me/ my parenting that's Been made very clear. Anyway I have Been over it a million times. Them questions and interference were not helpful. I know myself , I know my family. If other people find that helpful that's good . But not in my case . I'm not going to keep going over it though because I have million times. If people don't understand then so be it .

The problem is, you may understand yourself or your family. But outsider don't. So they ask you generic questions, which seems pointless to you.
I can see it's frustrating when you know that's got nothing to do with the issue, but it's a start for them to know you.
My kid is ill all the time. They have a file on him at the hospital. Yet they ask same question every time he's admitted, like if he's up to date with vaxx etc. . Do I get angry? no. They are just doing the job. And they are trying to help. So being hostile won't help my kid. So I just do what is required, as a parent.
<edit: spell>

Your situation is very different to mine. I don't mind hospital staff etc asking the sane thing several times. There have been several problems with the social worker. Anyway only a few people seem to truly get where I am coming from. I'm not going to keep explaining myself over and over . Its tiring mentally and emotionally. Not going to keep stressing myself trying to explain to people that think they get it. Unless people have met this social worker. Seen/ heard how she talks the things she says , her tone. Her demanding I had to contact her manger on a few occasions just to get basic answers or understanding of things. Because the sw was not explaining things even when I asked. She was also not being 100% honest.

Anyway as I said I have explained enough. Of people don't get it or understand. There's nothing I can do .

You don't need to explain things over and over if you don't want to. It's totally understandable.
And I can also underatand the people, like me, will never understand the situation you are in. That's the peoblem with communicating on the internet.

You shouldn't stress yourself. We mean help, but our good intentions can be totally wrong or harmful sometimes.

Internet is a tool. Just ignore me, or others, if you think we are talking nonsense. But most of the time, people want to help. Please remember that.

I really wish you a good luck. I hope you and your family find the solution. Not just for sake of your ds, but for all your family.