My ds dv

[Ds16dv]

I have written about our situation a good few times under this name and a couple of others so you may recognise some stuff.

Anyway DS has got much better with his aggression and violence. Things are not as bad as they were although still beyond normal teenage stuff. So I'm still not really able to do stuff in the average parenting way when it comes to behaviour especially when it's linked to a siblings it's really hard.

So i was looking for suggestions in the following situation.

So ds 16 might say to dd13. You smell like dog shit. You look a rottweiler. And dd13 can sometimes have a deep come back and say . At least I'm not a nasty shit to everyone like you are . That then cuts him deep and he then aggressively gets on to me about dd behaviour and I should do something to sort it. Even though he started the cussing in the first place.

Another example is he can have music on really loud. The moment DD puts her music on. He's onto me about how loud it is and he thinks her music is shit. He then gets really nasty towards her and me.

I'm just not sure how to handle it without it Turing into something it does not need to be.

The situation since I first posted about it has got better. I do want that to be clear. But its still not right and we still have work to do.

Yes have been told to call police if he becomes violent aggressive but sometimes its boarder line . And its not enough to calm the police but is enough to cause stress abd upset. Its very hard to tell the difference between the normal teenage stuff and hk trying to be controlling and nasty etc . It's hard because hecis a teenager and will also do the teenage strops attitude can benefit tell what direction it will take. Also with the police its hard because they don't always get facts right bits are kept out or they just don't get it . It could cone across like you asked us because he threw a tantrum over nusuc and a bit of name calling . I'm then seen as the problem. I did call them once before social services involvement and they took 6hrs to come out. I think police thing should be a last result

This is such an upsetting post. Your daughter is a child, she is only 13. She is being threatened and verbally abused and bullied in her own home. Is there anywhere else she can live? Does she have a social worker? What is the plan for her? Is she on a child in need plan? I really feel for her she should not be being abused like this in her home. I can only imagine the impact this is having on her now and in the future. Is your son abusive to males or is it just females he abuses? Can he live with his dad?

Would him wearing headphones help? Then he can make it as loud as he likes.

As regards your daughter, my DD is 3 & 6 years younger than her brothers but was streets ahead of them in terms of maturity at that age (and, in her 20’s, still is). I’d encourage her to rise above the childish behaviour and name calling and try to let it go, but I realise that’s a big ask. Showing her that you appreciate her patience and understanding will be worthwhile and that, combined with some of the measures suggested above might make a difference to the dynamic in the household.

The lock thing is because he will then want one. And he's Already tried to kill himself if he has a lock and I can't get into him anything could happen.

Hes been under CAMHS for a while now. He's meant to be doing a domestic violence programme in a few months . There's a family practitioner for him but he's not ingaging.

Social services/social worker. Feel very fobbed of. There's no true help. They just fuff around the issue

He's should be starting a construction course in September. I'm praying he will do it and itcwill haveca good knock pm effect for other stuff.

It seems bad but it is actually better compared to a month or so back

You’re in a really difficult situation and it’s hard to see clearly in those moments.

you really have no control over your son and no support from the outside. The tendency would be to try to control the situation by asking your dd to adapt by doing what he is asking to keep the situation from escalating, but long term he’s not learning to regulate his behaviour he’s learning that if he he can make the situation feel uncomfortable enough he will gets his needs met regardless of how everyone else is feeling.
He must also get some enjoyment from
the arguing and control.

I think you have to be really honest with yourself and ask where you think this will end? You can t continually walk in egg shells to placate his behaviour and other people he meets won’t.

Do you need a plan B - him staying with family for a while? Short term fostering? Dd with other family?

Removal of all privileges until he is civil to you both? - I understand this will cause a conflict but you can’t walk on egg shell indefinitely.

are you receiving support? Because often it’s hard to see what is the right thing when you are stuck in the fog of it.

No she can't live else where. If anything he should he living elsewhere but it's not that simple.

She doesn't have a social worker. Did very briefly . But she was of no help what so ever. And was not liking onto the actual issues abd the effects on dd. Just talking round it and doing nothing .

Can't live with his father

I’m really sorry, you are in the midst of such a difficult family situation.

Do you ever just say a bad No to him, or tell him that he’s being a massive hypocrite and you won’t be going song with it. He obviously thinks Respect is really important, but maybe he could show some respect to get respect.

I tried to get him into care via section 20. Even if it was temporary vwhikst he was getting help etc . It was all refused by social services as theh belive they can work with him/family. Even though they don't actually do anything. Obviously I don't really want him in the care system and there has been some improvements compared to what there was. So that's unlikely to happen.

I get what your saying but I can't remove things . That would be setting us up for aggression and that means I'm not safe guarding my other children.

No actual support . Basically professionals don't have the answer so just tread around it by saying stupid things

The language says it all

Yes. I say things like your music was just shaking the walls. Yet when she puts her music on which is much lower than yours . You go into one . And I tell him you can't have a go at people for things you do yourself

I don't understand.

I agree there is very little support from services. Parents are sold the idea that CAMHS are a solve all, but often they are so under resourced and inexperience they skirt around the edges.

all your energy is geared towards fire fighting on a daily basis to stop him flying off the handle.

are you able get private support?

Does he have any diagnosis?

I really feel for you. What an awful situation.

But to this point: The lock thing is because he will then want one. And he's Already tried to kill himself if he has a lock and I can't get into him anything could happen.

That's very unfair on your DD. What can't she have one and just not give one to him and tell him the reason? She is being doubly punished for his behaviour.

Another PP made the clever point that you can get a copy of the keys for yourself anyway.

CAMHS say he has emotional disregulation

We /I begged for help for very long time. We got rejected. Ignored . It was only when ds took an overdose that professionals done a little dance.

When it comes down to it they don't know what to do themselves.

He will just fit a lock himself. I'm sorry but I can't fix everything and make it all fair. I truly wish I could.

What does he enjoy doing op? Is there a possibility of a trade off?

It's heartening to hear that there's been progress with your DS's aggression and violence. Parenting teenagers is a unique challenge, especially when dealing with conflicts that can escalate quickly.

1. Establish Clear Boundaries: It might help to set clear ground rules about what language and behaviors are acceptable within the home. Discuss these rules with both children and make sure they understand the consequences of breaking them.
2. Encourage Empathy: Encourage both children to think about how their words might affect the other. Facilitate conversations where they can express how they feel and what they would like from each other. Focus on fostering empathy and understanding.
3. Neutral Response to Conflicts: If a situation arises like the ones you've described, try to respond neutrally. Acknowledge both sides and guide them towards a resolution rather than taking sides.
4. Create Individual Spaces: If possible, establish separate spaces where they can enjoy their music or hobbies without disturbing each other. Respect for personal space can minimize conflicts over shared areas.
5. Seek Professional Help if Needed: If these behaviors persist or escalate, consider seeking professional assistance from a counselor or therapist. Sometimes, an objective outsider can identify underlying issues and provide strategies to help.
6. Celebrate Progress and Reward Cooperation: Acknowledge and celebrate the progress made and emphasize the positive interactions between them. Reinforcing positive behavior can encourage more of it.

Remember, it's a journey, and things won't change overnight. Continue to communicate openly with your children, support them in understanding each other better, and model the respect and empathy you'd like to see them emulate.

Wishing you continued progress and strength in navigating these challenges.

I really appreciate your post I really do. Most of theses things are done already. But he's not getting very simple stuff . They have their pem space etc . They live in the same house hold I'm afraid They are going to hear each other that's life

What do you mean by trade off?

Have you tried having a rule that everyone in the house plays music through wireless headphones?

So no music is played out loud?

Then have a 24 hour ban for anyone that plays it out loud and doesn't put on headphones when reminded?

I know it's very likely your sons reaction to this will not be good at first but it's very unlikely to worse than it already is?

You can always frame it as a rule you're putting in place because you understand loud music is frustrating for your son and you want to ensure everyone is happy.

With regards the wanting you to sort it with dd when she calls him names. Have you tried the tact of calling dd down and saying "ds has accused you of doing x. Would you like to explain why you did that?" So ds sees you challenging dd (as such) but he has to face up to hearing what he did repeated?

I'm really pleased things are improving. It's not an easy ride but you e made progress so you'll make progress with this.

Good old fashioned bribery.

spending time with him on the things he enjoys, if he follows the rules for a set amount of time?

Hey OP, sorry about this situation :( I was offered a non-violent resistance (NVR) course as part of DD's behaviour - worth a look if you haven't done already? Some info here thechildpsychologyservice.co.uk/therapy-information/non-violent-resistance-nvr/

I think you have misunderstood. Ds will cusd out dd infront of me in the living room
Make it seem like banter . She will say something back to him. Then he will gey onto me about what she said even though he started it to begin with .bits very silly sibling crap but it's his reaction.

Headphones not a hope in hell

And yes it can get much worse. He can get physical to me. Very aggressive verbally. Throws stuff smashes up the house. I have only recently manged to lessen that. There's not a hope o he'll of me risking that happening .

It's very simple really hes allowed his music on then others can to. If he can't take teasing banter then he should not be dishing it out

He practically Hates Me. He won't go for that .