My son 16 has lost his friends

Tauranga · 2023-08-16T15:35:37+00:00

Last year before Christmas son started to lose friends. He never told me until Spring time when he was visibly upset about not being invited out by his friends. He explained that they had stopped asking him out to the cinema etc but still chatted to him at lunch time. I asked on of his friends mum's and she asked her son. They had gone off my son because he is annoying and a bragger This was true, he was a bragger and we as a family were working on his modesty and his humbleness. He has matured so much and is now so much more sympato others situations. He has however come home from school today and told me that the 'friends' are now acting as if he is not there. They are blanking him I have no idea what to do. He is a lovely boy and I just want him to be happy. I don't know how to help him make different friends. I know no one can help but perhaps this happened to your son and he now has loads of friends. Any inspirational stories appreciated xx

Hopingforagreatescape · 16/08/2023 16:39

What year is he at school/college? Any chance of moving him? Blanking someone is horrible, whether you want to hang out with them as friends or not -, it's cruel when done as a group effort. Can you speak to his teachers? They could help him find new, kinder friends.

VariationsonaTheme · 16/08/2023 16:44

Is he due to start a new school for y12? He’ll probably make new friends, and if he’s learned from what went wrong this time then he should be ok. It sounds like he might have learned some new skills at home but hasn’t yet been able to put them into practice with his friends. Boys don’t usually fall out like that, as a group, with individuals in my experience.

Original poster

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 16:44

He is in 5th year so is starting Highers which take a year. I think you are right, I will email his guidance teacher if my DS agrees.

He has joined lots of clubs at lunch times so is keeping busy.

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Pinkdelight3 · 16/08/2023 16:45

What year is he in at school? If he's 16, I'm wondering if it's sixth form or not? Tricky age to move him I'm guessing, so could you look at clubs etc outside of school? Or even a w/e job or volunteering where he can make new connections? It does sound like he's worn out the patience of the existing group but this is also the age when you can move on from school friends and meet people in the wider world who you have more in common with and will be able to start afresh.

YukoandHiro · 16/08/2023 16:47

Has he tried asking any of these former friends to do things socially outside school just one on one? That might be a good approach

Annaishere · 16/08/2023 16:47

Maybe he could apologise

Original poster

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 16:48

VariationsonaTheme · 16/08/2023 16:44

Is he due to start a new school for y12? He’ll probably make new friends, and if he’s learned from what went wrong this time then he should be ok. It sounds like he might have learned some new skills at home but hasn’t yet been able to put them into practice with his friends. Boys don’t usually fall out like that, as a group, with individuals in my experience.

Unfortunately he will not be moving schools, in Scotland we stick with just one. That would have been perfect because I think you are right...if he met new people now he could put his new skills into action.

He is also shy about approaching and inviting people to do things, or even texting. Before summer we started practicing texting.

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Original poster

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 16:49

YukoandHiro · 16/08/2023 16:47

Has he tried asking any of these former friends to do things socially outside school just one on one? That might be a good approach

He has not tried this, and maybe we should try it. He is petrified they may say no, or ghost him. I feel sick for him.

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AutumnIsMyFriend · 16/08/2023 16:49

That’s a tough one. OP sounds like she is in Scotland so no sixth form here and no change of school.

I think a chat with the form tutor is a good idea, as is inviting one or two lads out separately.

lads that age might respond well to an honest “I’ve been a bit of a dick, sorry!”

if not, time to joint something - rugby or running club, to try to forge a new friendship set.

whereabouts in Scotland are you OP?

Original poster

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 16:50

Annaishere · 16/08/2023 16:47

Maybe he could apologise

He was wondering if he should ask them what he has done wrong, but I feel he is opening himself up to a lot of hurt. Also, maybe if he doesn't cement the rift, it could be healed easier?
It may be something that think about.

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AutumnIsMyFriend · 16/08/2023 16:50

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 16:49

He has not tried this, and maybe we should try it. He is petrified they may say no, or ghost him. I feel sick for him.

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Easy for an adult to say this, but if they say no or ghost him he will be in no worse position than he is now.

KateJohns · 16/08/2023 16:52

Bragging will end friendships very quick ime. I've known braggers and Billy bullshitters and eventually they all end up shunned.
He'll either learn from it and stop the behaviour or he'll not learn and end up like that dick had int he pub that talks bollocks all the time and no one likes them.

I hope he learns and stops. You can't be there when he's talking to people, so it's on him, but if it keeps happening I'd think he hasn't learned a thing.

You're best bet is sit him down and tell him..
"if people keep turning their backs on you, it's you that is at fault, not them."
It may be hard to hear, but patting him on the head and saying it's all the other people's fault can only lead to misery in the end.

Annaishere · 16/08/2023 16:54

AutumnIsMyFriend · 16/08/2023 16:50

Easy for an adult to say this, but if they say no or ghost him he will be in no worse position than he is now.

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It’s really hard to make new friends in school. Everyone’s already in their comfortable groups at his age

SequinsandStiIettos · 16/08/2023 16:55

If he is in a whatsapp group chat with them, can't he just say:

Sorry I was a knob before. Let me know if any of you want to hang out.

That way he's done all he can?

Prescottdanni123 · 16/08/2023 16:56

I work in a secondary school. Falling outs and leaving someone out is normally more of a girl's situation than a boy's. For this to have happened, your son has probably been more than 'a bit of a bragger'.

I agree with someone else who said that he should try admitting that his behaviour has been a bit pratty and apologise. Boys do also tend to forgive and forget quicker than girls.

SequinsandStiIettos · 16/08/2023 16:57

Even better, snapchat as message will then disappear, if they all ignore it/take the piss behind his back.

Pinkdelight3 · 16/08/2023 16:58

Sorry I was a knob before. Let me know if any of you want to hang out.

Yeah i think this is much better than asking what he's done wrong, as it seems like you/he knows what the answer is and better to draw a line and start over than ask for criticism. The above line gives enough leeway so it's not ghosting if no one responds. He's left it open but no shade if they don't want to re-start. He's at least shown willing and can hold his head high and learn from his mistakes going forward.

Mentaldays · 16/08/2023 16:58

Has your son got ASN? If he has support needs then school could have some strategies. I just wonder as you said you have been helping him text, and by about age 12 my kids could confidently message friends, although not always productively or without situations arising.

I would think him apologising, saying he has been a bit of an arse and hadn’t realised he was being such a dick should help. Perhaps along with a suggestion of something to do with the others.

Original poster

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 16:58

KateJohns · 16/08/2023 16:52

Bragging will end friendships very quick ime. I've known braggers and Billy bullshitters and eventually they all end up shunned.
He'll either learn from it and stop the behaviour or he'll not learn and end up like that dick had int he pub that talks bollocks all the time and no one likes them.

I hope he learns and stops. You can't be there when he's talking to people, so it's on him, but if it keeps happening I'd think he hasn't learned a thing.

You're best bet is sit him down and tell him..
"if people keep turning their backs on you, it's you that is at fault, not them."
It may be hard to hear, but patting him on the head and saying it's all the other people's fault can only lead to misery in the end.

Yes, I agree, and I have not told him it is others fault.
We have sat with him and explained that people don't want to hear how easy your exam was, ...or even I think correcting people or being a know it all.
He has matured loads and I have seen a huge difference in him.

One problem is that apart from this ( huge) issue, he has an easy life.

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SequinsandStiIettos · 16/08/2023 16:58

If they screenshot it on snapchat, it will notify you (that will make it clear they're not mates at all anymore).

Original poster

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 17:01

AutumnIsMyFriend · 16/08/2023 16:50

Easy for an adult to say this, but if they say no or ghost him he will be in no worse position than he is now.

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Yes, this is an excellent point and I think I may raise this with him. Thank you.

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MNetcurtains · 16/08/2023 17:03

KateJohns · 16/08/2023 16:52

Bragging will end friendships very quick ime. I've known braggers and Billy bullshitters and eventually they all end up shunned.
He'll either learn from it and stop the behaviour or he'll not learn and end up like that dick had int he pub that talks bollocks all the time and no one likes them.

I hope he learns and stops. You can't be there when he's talking to people, so it's on him, but if it keeps happening I'd think he hasn't learned a thing.

You're best bet is sit him down and tell him..
"if people keep turning their backs on you, it's you that is at fault, not them."
It may be hard to hear, but patting him on the head and saying it's all the other people's fault can only lead to misery in the end.

This. As his mum you know him on a different level. He may be coming over as a bit obnoxious to his own peers. He will only learn from experience, unfortunately, otherwise he may end up as the PP stated. Nothing you can do to change others perception of him, that's down to him.

Original poster

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 17:03

SequinsandStiIettos · 16/08/2023 16:55

If he is in a whatsapp group chat with them, can't he just say:

Sorry I was a knob before. Let me know if any of you want to hang out.

That way he's done all he can?

This would be great, but he is not in their WhatsApp! This is one major problem, the entire year seems to be on but not him. We don't know how to get him added, and who ro ask. There are some boys who would add him but we don't know if they can or is it an admin..... he is too shy to ask to be added.

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Annaishere · 16/08/2023 17:06

This actually sounds like he’s just clever and not hiding it

Original poster

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 17:06

Pinkdelight3 · 16/08/2023 16:58

Sorry I was a knob before. Let me know if any of you want to hang out.

Yeah i think this is much better than asking what he's done wrong, as it seems like you/he knows what the answer is and better to draw a line and start over than ask for criticism. The above line gives enough leeway so it's not ghosting if no one responds. He's left it open but no shade if they don't want to re-start. He's at least shown willing and can hold his head high and learn from his mistakes going forward.

This is a good angle to take I think. He needs to keep his head high, I don't want him begging to them so this is a great way to approach them

They are all lovely boys, I know most of them. There is a ringleader who I don't know but he is probably lovely too.

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