My son 16 has lost his friends

[Tauranga]

Last year before Christmas son started to lose friends. He never told me until Spring time when he was visibly upset about not being invited out by his friends. He explained that they had stopped asking him out to the cinema etc but still chatted to him at lunch time. I asked on of his friends mum's and she asked her son. They had gone off my son because he is annoying and a bragger

This was true, he was a bragger and we as a family were working on his modesty and his humbleness. He has matured so much and is now so much more sympato others situations.

He has however come home from school today and told me that the 'friends' are now acting as if he is not there. They are blanking him

I have no idea what to do. He is a lovely boy and I just want him to be happy. I don't know how to help him make different friends.

I know no one can help but perhaps this happened to your son and he now has loads of friends. Any inspirational stories appreciated xx

I don’t have advice as such but more of a happy story. I also struggled to find a lasting group of friends at secondary school - I floated around from group to group and think I was a bit of a dick tbh. But actually at 16 I made a lot of new friends through my weekend job. Is that an option? New people in a more professional setting. I matured massively.

By the time I went to uni I was already starting to change and there I found ‘my people’. Best friends from there out.

School can be brutal but your son now sounds really mature. I’m sure these days will soon be behind him. He’s lucky to have you being so supportive and encouraging.

I think he needs to reach out to some new boys.

OP that you’ve had to train him in responses and given him scripts to use in specific situations would be making me consider his neurodivergence. I know it gets bandied about here all the time needlessly but this was a situation I found myself in often at school and I cried regularly about being abandoned without understanding why. It also happened into my 20s and 30s but I was so used to it by then I found other coping strategies. It all made sense by the time I was diagnosed autistic.

What I told my eldest when she started high school is to befriend everyone and hang around with as many different people at different times. Obviously at the other end of high school it’s a bit harder but the practice means there’s always someone to talk to even if you’re not best friends.

If he’s just started highers, it’s so common for friends groups to change over the summer before and year of the highers. Classes become smaller and more specialist so you find more things in common with people you may have paid no attention to previously. He’ll reconnect in class with some of the previous friends and he’ll probably make new ones but it needs to be him doing it.

Arm him with good tips on small talk, get him to curb his bragging behaviours and allow him to experience this and work his way out of it.

Honestly, I am a bit appalled at how much benefit of the doubt your son's friends are getting on this thread OP.

I went to a girls' school and then a mixed 6th form, and the boys were deeply bitchy at this age and generally lacking in emotional intelligence (and for a while after too...)

There were many Queen Bee boys (today they might consider themselves Alpha males or whatever) who would bray and brag and other boys would simply laugh along to stay 'one of the lads', to the point of standing by while some quite destructive behaviours went on. Fallings out did happen in which nobody had behaved particularly admirably. As they do with adults, hence a good chunk of MN threads...

The idea that only girls will be bitchy and boys will only fall out with good reason is really sexist.

While it sounds like OP's son has been a bit of a pain in the arse, it might also be the case that the friends have been catty and overreacted to normal teenage behaviours. I doubt he is the only braggart at a school full of teenagers ffs.

OP, the lunch club thing sounds like a good idea and he should make some other friends that way soon enough. Can he do any extra-curriculars outside of school too, that he might meet some like-minded peers at, get a sense of friendship groups outside of school and maybe help with uni applications?

He is at a turning point in his education and dynamics and friendships will change very soon. He will meet new people just by circumstance and make new friends. The current 'friends' will probably mature and realise how pathetic they are being. It's always good to have friends in different groups anyway. Hope he's ok!

How did you reach this conclusion? Or is this the typical mumsnet response of just say something positive for the sake of saying something positive?

Can I ask how you got them involved in a youth expedition. One of ours who is a bit younger is lovely but very socially isolated as global delay and additional speech delay left him behind when the other kids learnt to talk. He’s totally caught up but is so used to be solo that he opts out unless it’s family kids or adults. He thankfully loves drama and is in a fabulous drama group (now - first one was awful). I think opportunities like this would really help him in the future. Thanks.

If they're blanking him now, it's because they're still finding him annoying despite his improvements.

People blank others as a last resort, after the person just isn't taking the hint that they don't want to hang out with them. It's no crueller than saying "hi X we don't feel you're a good fit for the group any more and we don't want to be friends any more, can go go somewhere else please" to his face, which is really the only other alternative.

I don't think he should ask one of them out 1-2-1, not if they're all blanking him. It's gone beyond being fixable, they've made their feelings clear and he needs to move on now.

It might not be usual to change schools, but is it possible? A fresh start with people who didn't know him before would be a good thing. Otherwise school is something to be got through and life is what happens outside it. A bit like once you're at work, really. Hobbies, clubs, volunteering, college evening classes for fun or to start learning a trade. Getting out in the world and meeting new people will help cure him of his shyness too.

I'm not prying but if he has some form of learning disabilities or neurodiversity this could just be life, unfortunately. Children can be very inclusive but adults generally are not. What is tolerated at a time of life where everyone is shy, awkward and regularly messing up socially, is less well tolerated as everyone matures and those who don't fit in with ordinary teenage/adult life and the social norms, stand out more.

I'm only mentioning this because he seems to be somewhat lacking in ordinary social skills. It's usual in a group of friends for there to be someone you get on less well with and perhaps wouldn't choose to hang out with if they weren't part of the group, but the reality is everyone tolerates those they're less keen on when in the group and sees those they like best on a 1-2-1 basis more often. So for him to be ousted from the group by everyone, to the point where they feel they need to blank him because he won't go away, his behaviour must have been quite awful. Either that or they're all bullies, but that's not how it's sounding to me.

He's not doomed though, not unless he internalises this, develops low self-esteem and falls into a depression. Meeting new people and learning how to get along with a variety of different people, while he's still in the teenage years and people will still be cutting him some slack for that, could well be the making of him.

I had this when I stuck up for a friend being beaten up on the subway by school! They turned on me after her parents complained and she left home hanging in the wind. It was such a shock.

Op, I think this happens all the time in boy groups of this age. Maybe not so blatantly but I can see it happening with my children and their friends. It’s awful to watch as a parent from the outside. I think your son is very lucky to have a parent who cares for him so much. What he needs is the resilience to get through this moment in time and the best thing for resiliences is just one person whose face genuinely lights up when they walk into the room. I struggled after the situation briefly mentioned in previous post all though secondary. I got a Saturday job and found my tribe there. I was genuine, helpful and inclusive and the other Saturday teenagers there appreciate those things in me. It is awful to watch but he has a safe home space and that’s your part in this to offer. Listen, ask what you can do and give him some fab memories as a family.

Is he 15 or 16? If 16, could he try getting a wee part time job to meet new people? Could he speak to his guidance teacher about maybe doing one of the college options this year to meet a new circle of friends?

Also, as a Scot, its not true he can't change schools, unless its a private school and you want to stick with that private school.

Ah I feel for you and him. I think as others have said, it is the start of big change and going to University will split friendship groups up anyway in many cases.
My son has made friends through sport. He was rubbish at football and joined the local rugby club at 16 having never played before. It has been a life changer for him. It motivated him to get fitter, joined a boxing club and gym. I know not everyone is sporty but rugby is I think much more inclusive than football. He used college time to do homework etc so his evenings were free for practice.
Anyway, this might not work for your boy but it may give some ideas.

OP, May I suggest your son gets a part-time job where he can meet other teens. My DS made loads of friends working in local McD’s and then, when he went to uni, didn’t have to job hunt because McD’s transferred him to local uni branch (where many other uni students also worked - so he made new friends there too). Best of luck him and pls ensure that, although he has stopped outward bragging, he doesn’t deep-down still feel superior to his peers.

I had a similar situation with my son but it turned out that he got bullied in the end. He was being annoying and immature but he didn’t deserve it, no one does…… similar situation to you in that it all kicked off in the holidays but the good thing was he was able to reinvent himself when he got back and be the person he wanted to be. It took hanging out with a few different groups but he eventually found where he fit. In the meantime we joined him up to some clubs outside of school and he made friends there as well which gave him confidence.

He is 16 now (this happened about 3 years ago) and I still worry that his ‘friends’ are actually bullying him but I like to think that the more evidence I have of that not being the case, the lesser the feeling will be. I know what you’re talking about though, for me it’s an actual pain / anxiety that I feel in my stomach.

I love this video, it’s a bit weird because it’s dating advice but I apply this principle to everything now ‘they’re not your audience’. Really takes away the fear of rejection for me and hopefully will help your son / put things in perspective 💐

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=w8JopEnIuEQ

Is there a possibility he could have a new start somewhere?

Some ott replies here, in my opinion.

To be fair on him, if he's academic and finds exams easy, he probably thinks or thought in the past, why should I go with the false modesty route. I know ppl who would definitely have been like that aged 16, they aren't social outcasts!

Its possible that one or 2 lads were envious of his academic success and have gone against him for that

Sometimes a child is superior to his peers and can't hide it. New 'peers' required. Also, it's not always possible or desirable to bend and twist so that you fit some arbitrary standards of behaviour invented by others. Be sure he is at fault before working to 'correct' him, and if not, have him work on mindfulness and resilience. There's good advice on this thread about clubs, gym, work. Things he can do away from the bullying school group.

My ds was in a similar situation. He got a weekend job and changed so much! Much more confident and able to approach others where he couldn't before. He's still not Mr popular but he does have friends in school. He has worked all summer, its given him something to do and he's really matured. I know finding a job isn't that easy, but maybe a voluntary role, dog walking on a Saturday for a local charity or something? I think mixing with lots of different people of all ages helps them mature.

It's probably one of the first big life lessons for him and will hopefully make him see that being modest is a more likeable quality and nobody likes a bragged or show off.
He will have learned something from this. I made mistakes at school and friendships ended along the way. Everything feels so much worse at 15/16, it's a transitional time, but he has many years ahead of him and many more new friends to make along the way, life doesn't stand still.
As long as he's learned what he maybe did to alienate his friends, it will only serve to make him a better friend down the line.
He just needs to get through this last year Then the world is his Oyster.

I agree with you here, my first reaction was to help him change or modify himself, but upon reflection I thought that the other boys will have faults and that is human. So I agree that building his resilience and his ability to be alone, happily, will ultimately help him in his future.

@WildFeathers DS went away with British Exploring Society. It was a very positive experience.

OP I was bullied/excluded at school at the same age as your DS and unexpectedly found a group of friends outside school through getting to know a neighbour. Hopefully things will work out for your DS. School is a weird set up, at no other point in your life are you thrown together with a big group of people exactly the same age as you who you're expected to get on with.

OP you could be writing this about my son, although he’s not had a fallout as such with friends he’s just so unbelievably quiet and shy that they don’t ask him to things anymore.

We are also in Scotland and back at school today.

One thing that my son does do is Scouts (well explorers) and he’s kept that up despite not having friends there but everyone there is so friendly with him that he does come
out his shell.

Is that an option for him to make new friends? We’ve got quite a few different scout / air cadet type clubs round us that might suit him, I’m not sure what area you are in but I’d imagine wherever you are would have similar.

Well he’s not goIng to be the only bragging teenage boy is he? This month he’s cold-shouldered, next month it will be someone else.

Teens are very tribal, but they also have short attention spans.

One of the examples OP gave of the sons “bragging” was saying he had done well in his exams.

Sorry to read this OP. Sounds like you recognise that there are some social skills he needed to work on.

You have had lots of good advice on here, but I would just add that it's day 1 of a new term. New clubs to join, might be new people to start chatting to in his classes. Getting to know people in group work. Be open if he's stuck about something. Encourage him to be friendly, ask people how their summer was, if/when appropriate (that is, if it's true he was being a dick) say sorry I was a bit of a dick last year. New friendships take time and effort. Watch out for smaller groups at lunchtime with a space at a table (maybe people from one of his classes), 'hey, do you mind if I grab this seat to have my lunch' that kind of thing.

It's awful when they struggle with friendships, especially if you feel they might have made some mistakes.