Page 3 | My son 16 has lost his friends

Tauranga · 2023-08-16T15:35:37+00:00

Last year before Christmas son started to lose friends. He never told me until Spring time when he was visibly upset about not being invited out by his friends. He explained that they had stopped asking him out to the cinema etc but still chatted to him at lunch time. I asked on of his friends mum's and she asked her son. They had gone off my son because he is annoying and a bragger This was true, he was a bragger and we as a family were working on his modesty and his humbleness. He has matured so much and is now so much more sympato others situations. He has however come home from school today and told me that the 'friends' are now acting as if he is not there. They are blanking him I have no idea what to do. He is a lovely boy and I just want him to be happy. I don't know how to help him make different friends. I know no one can help but perhaps this happened to your son and he now has loads of friends. Any inspirational stories appreciated xx

Original poster

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 17:24

Jamtartforme · 16/08/2023 17:07

Op in the gentlest way you need to calm down. Feeling sick because a friend might decline an invitation is way over the top. It was never a done thing for parents to get involved in teen friendships until recently and I wonder if it’s done any good to be honest. I would just encourage him to relax, take him to do a couple of nice family things, once he’s not desperate for their friendship any more they’ll come back. At the moment he’s probably an irritating tag-a-long who they now know is desperate for their friendship because you phoned his mum. Don’t make a big thing of it.

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Ha, thanks for making me smile. I wasn't that bad , his mum is very subtle and asked in a sneaky way that her son didn't cotton on to what the real question was...

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Original poster

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 17:26

HarrietJet · 16/08/2023 17:10

But he knows what he's done wrong? Why can't he put his "new skills" into action with the people he actually knows?

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He can't as he is not invited anywhere anymore. So he has no chance to show that he is different

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Goldenbear · 16/08/2023 17:27

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 17:12

I have no idea, of course how he is with the others. He has changed though. I used to get irritated by him correcting me for example. Now he doesn't do it. He also knows that he should deflect questions instead answering, for example if someone asks how did you get on in your exam. He used to say Oh, so easy. Now he says, not too bad, how did you get on...
We are trying hard ..

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I am thinking this isn't really bad. I have overheard my DS and friends and they are very honest, none of them would care about dressing up an answer about the ease of exams. Maybe he is unlucky and these boys are all a bit sensitive. If they are not sensitive maybe they are just going with the flow to keep friends with the powerful ones in the group. There are always some that are more influential. My DS was not prepared to apologise to those types so he would rather have nothing to do with them. Lets face it school is full of knobheads like that. Everyone I know that liked alternative music, art drama etc. Like I did hated school as it is full of sheep and it is always the bullies and obnoxious ones that come out on top, it is much more about that ability than personality IME.

Original poster

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 17:28

SequinsandStiIettos · 16/08/2023 17:11

He'd dealt with it alone for four months by the sounds of it so I don't blame the OP for asking another mum, although I probably wouldn't have at 15/16 because they're meant to work it out themselves by then (easier said than done).
Bloody secondary school can be a nightmare though. Best days of your life, my behind. I hope things get better for your son OP.

Thank you so much. He was crying. He is 6ft 2! Seeing your boy-man so sad makes any mum try to help x

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arethereanyleftatall · 16/08/2023 17:29

Annaishere · 16/08/2023 17:06

This actually sounds like he’s just clever and not hiding it

Nonsense. Plenty of people are clever without being disliked.

This is good news op and I wouldn't feel sick about it at all. In fact I'd be glad. No one likes braggers, they're awful and everybody just thinks 'oh bore off.' Lucky he found this out at 16. He won't be doing it again. It's actually a shame people didn't call him out on this sooner. Best way to learn.

ididntwanttodoit · 16/08/2023 17:29

If he is now unhappy at school and wants to make a fresh start, he could do Higher at a local college.

IveHadItUpToHere · 16/08/2023 17:30

I'm laughing at someone saying boys don't leave each other out. Definitely not our experience of having boys. Or our friends who have boys. Their friendship dynamics are just as complicated as girl's.
When our DC have friendship troubles, we encourage them to make friends at clubs outside of school. Lunchtime clubs are great for keeping your DS busy but as a PP pointed out the friendship groups may already be cemented. External clubs provide an entire new social group which takes the pressure off those in-school friendships. Also advise your DS to be open and welcoming to any new pupils in his year. That can also lead to new friendships.
If the old friends are actively blanking him, have a chat with his HOY just to ask for the HOY to make sure it doesn't tip into bullying.

SequinsandStiIettos · 16/08/2023 17:30

Well, he has a year left and it will soon fly by. He can reinvent himself/have a fresh start a year from now and get his extra-curriculars in for college applications. Or maybe ask a girl (or boy) out?
Nothing like a girlfriend or potential for a sex life, to act as a distraction.
I hate cliques and I hate young people leaving others out.
Just encourage your lad to be decent/keep on going on and check in on him like you are doing. It's hard.

Original poster

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 17:30

KnutonHardz · 16/08/2023 17:13

It's a very difficult time for kids and friendships, right through the teenage years. Those times were very difficult for me growing up. I went to boarding school in England, and found it hard to fit in (accent, being from Northern Ireland, everyone in the school seems to have much wealthier families than mine). When I was home, I was also drifting away from most of my friends who were there.

It's not on inspirational story, but I did learn a lot during that time, at least in retrospect. I also focused more on my studies, and sport, and as a result did very well academically. Going on to Uni and work it was much easier for me. It also made me somewhat selective in forming friendships going foreward. Hoping all the best for your son. He has some growing up to do, it sounds like he has great family support (as I did).

Thank you for this. I'm glad you made the best of things, and I will try to make the best of things for my son. Thank you

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Lantyslee · 16/08/2023 17:32

This is difficult to watch as a parent and I've had similar situations with my kids. When my DD was having friendship problems at school it really helped that she had a hobby outside school with a completely different group of people her own age. It was as if she had two separate lives. One of my DC, who was very isolated, took part in a youth expedition overseas - a ready made group of people to have an adventure with.

If your DS can get involved with something outside school it could really help.

familyissues12345 · 16/08/2023 17:33

Sending solidarity OP, my almost 15 year old is going through similar. Asks to meet up with mates who just ignore him, tbh I'm a bit heartbroken over it all, he spends all day alone

Original poster

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 17:34

drunkpeacock · 16/08/2023 17:17

Ok he's had an easy life so far, brags a lot and has now lost his friends because of it.
This is tough because you never want to see your kids suffer but this, for a 16 year old, is going to be really important to navigate together. Talk to him and show him how things feel from others perspectives then help him practice listening actively to others and validating them a bit without being utterly cringy with it. Then, encourage him to to friendly to the group when he sees them but also to form a new social circle outside school. Look for church youth groups, sea or air cadets, venture scouts, sports clubs or teams, drama clubs (if he has any interest at all as a boy he will be snapped up!) a choir or running clubs and park runs.
Basically encourage exploring a few groups that are sociable and prepared to be open and welcoming to people coming along on their own. Once he gels with a group and creates a new circle his desperation to get his old friends back will fade and he may well find they drift back to normal when the pressure's off.
Good luck, it isn't a fun thing for you or your child to experience.

Fantastic advice, thank you! I actually feel this gives me a plan to talk to him about. I think drifting back to his friends is a great way to describe what we may be able to achieve if I can get him happy within himself.

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Spirallingdownwards · 16/08/2023 17:35

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 16:50

He was wondering if he should ask them what he has done wrong, but I feel he is opening himself up to a lot of hurt. Also, maybe if he doesn't cement the rift, it could be healed easier?
It may be something that think about.

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You already asked and we're already told what the issue is.

Perhaps he hasn't stopped bragging at school and what you thought was working successfully at home he hadn't transferred into his school life where you weren't monitoring him.

Newname01 · 16/08/2023 17:35

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 16:48

Unfortunately he will not be moving schools, in Scotland we stick with just one. That would have been perfect because I think you are right...if he met new people now he could put his new skills into action.

He is also shy about approaching and inviting people to do things, or even texting. Before summer we started practicing texting.

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What about a new school anyway, another local high school?

SlashBeef · 16/08/2023 17:36

Lantyslee · 16/08/2023 17:32

This is difficult to watch as a parent and I've had similar situations with my kids. When my DD was having friendship problems at school it really helped that she had a hobby outside school with a completely different group of people her own age. It was as if she had two separate lives. One of my DC, who was very isolated, took part in a youth expedition overseas - a ready made group of people to have an adventure with.

If your DS can get involved with something outside school it could really help.

Agree with this. My daughter is much younger but she does struggle a bit with friendships at school, she's very shy. She plays for a sports team outside of school and she's like a different kid there and she has really solid friendships with the team.

Mummy08m · 16/08/2023 17:36

I think these things have no quick fix and resolve gradually.

Your DS sees these friends rvery weekday in lessons and form periods. That dozens of opportunities per day of demonstrating that he's no longer braggy, but is now chill, or sound, or whatever the word is for it these days! It'll take a couple of weeks of being excluded at parties but after a while someone will say "why don't we ask X? Nah, he's sound now, I do Maths with him, trust me" and that'll be that.

By all means he could try an apology on WhatsApp but that seems more drama than it's worth if he hasn't done one terrible thing.

This is my advice as a longstanding teacher at boys' schools! Yes, friendship groups can be as fraught and complicated as girls' ones!

Goldenbear · 16/08/2023 17:36

SequinsandStiIettos · 16/08/2023 17:30

Well, he has a year left and it will soon fly by. He can reinvent himself/have a fresh start a year from now and get his extra-curriculars in for college applications. Or maybe ask a girl (or boy) out?
Nothing like a girlfriend or potential for a sex life, to act as a distraction.
I hate cliques and I hate young people leaving others out.
Just encourage your lad to be decent/keep on going on and check in on him like you are doing. It's hard.

Yes I agree, I think it says loads about how the teenagers were brought up i.e no emphasis on being kind or tolerant. Don't base your self esteem on friendships is what I say to my DC. They both have friends but I see friends as great to have but they are not an indication of your status in society (in the slightest) and that is a damaging way to think about yourself.

CheesyWhatsit · 16/08/2023 17:37

You asked for experience …

DH was ditched by his friends at 14/15. He made one new one, and had friends outside school but was bullied in school. Found more like minds at 6th from college and made many life-long friends at uni.

I suspect that being super-academic and not sporty was a difficult fit at school.

Roll forward to now, he’s very successful but a humble and kind person. He has a 4 very devoted close friends and a wide circle of friends we keep up with. I think that earlier struggles have made him sympathetic and gentle, although of course, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Original poster

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 17:39

Goldenbear · 16/08/2023 17:18

I'm unsure if this is true actually. Do you have a 16 year old boy? IME, 16 year old boys are very judgemental and mostly emotionally immature so they are quick to align themselves with the most powerful in the friendship group for fear of being shunned themselves. My DS was in a huge friendship group at Christmas then joked about a boy online who he said is desperate to appear popular. Unfortunately for DS, one of the boys who is jealous of his friendship with their mutual friend was online for 4 hours ear wigging, pretending he had left the game and relayed this information to the boys DS had said it about. The boy who spread the information was bad mouthing DS for being a bit of a hippy and not as wealthy as them (they are very, very wealthy) and it divided the group. DS was annoyed that he'd been spied on but it is bizarre how quickly boys can switch allegiances. DS has resulting friends from the split and he is very laid back so doesn't really care. Unfortunately, I think it is only time that improved things for DS, ironically the boy he said it about is friends with him now but the gossiper that split the group is still hostile. Essentially, clubs may be good but personally I know DS doesn't think you can make friends in an organic way like that but I personally think you can. Good luck to your son OP.

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Thank you

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Twiglets1 · 16/08/2023 17:39

My daughter fell out with her friendship group at school when she was 14-16. It was a hard lesson for her to learn as she made some mistakes, as did they. At this age they are all teenagers and still learning how to behave to others.

She went to a different school for her A levels and made a whole new group of friends. She was very popular there and then at uni. This is just a painful blip for your poor son but it's hard as his mum too, I know.

Original poster

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 17:41

SequinsandStiIettos · 16/08/2023 17:21

There's not a lot you can do if someone drops you other than walk with your head held high and concentrate on other people. Sometimes relationships just naturally slow fade. It doesn't make it easier for your boy. When are Scotland back? Around now? New seating plans will help hopefully.

I agree with you and I have told him to keep his head high. I remember doing this when I was young but hoped he would never have to.

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Goldenbear · 16/08/2023 17:42

Spirallingdownwards · 16/08/2023 17:35

You already asked and we're already told what the issue is.

Perhaps he hasn't stopped bragging at school and what you thought was working successfully at home he hadn't transferred into his school life where you weren't monitoring him.

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Or perhaps they are not a very nice group of friends. Just because a group of teenagers take a dislike to one in the group it doesn't automatically make them right. What is more likely, is they are afraid of having the same treatment dished out to them and their own faults highlighted as we do all have them you know- flaws! There aren't many people that are prepared to stand up for anything let alone in a school context.

ItsNotRocketSalad · 16/08/2023 17:43

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 17:06

This is a good angle to take I think. He needs to keep his head high, I don't want him begging to them so this is a great way to approach them

They are all lovely boys, I know most of them. There is a ringleader who I don't know but he is probably lovely too.

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It really sounds like they'll respond well to an honest apology. I would add something like "I know I can be annoying [or another word] but I'm really working on it."

It took me until my 20s to learn that admitting your faults and apologising isn't a sign of weakness but a good thing to do. If he can learn that earlier it will help him!

DaisyThistle · 16/08/2023 17:45

My son had no friends, Not because he was a bragger but because he is autistic.But he was socially awkward for a long time He made some friends in 6th form.

Then at uni, during lockdown had a horrendous time being excluded from the very few social groups that were active in his halls and he felt very low. I was sick with worry for his wellbeing. But by summer he met a couple of new crowds, went on holiday with one group, shared a house with another.

There are things he can do. He can focus on trying to create strong new friendships. He could try texting his old friends and being really honest: I know you dropped me because I was a PITA bragger but I've realised how annoying that was and stopped. It's not much fun having no one to hang out with. Can we meet up?

Prep him for the worst case scenario which is that they have moved on completely. If so, he needs to have faith that he can and will make new friends and he won't make the same mistake with them. He can be quietly confident instead of showing off. Falling out with one group of friends is not a sign that you are fundamentally unlikeable, just that you need to move on to a different group of people.

Does he have a girlfriend or boyfriend? Would it help if he tried dating? Does he belong to a sports team, choir, orchestra, youth theatre, scouts etc - some group activity where you just all get on and do stuff, friends or not? Maybe he could join a few new teams or groups and see how it goes.

Original poster

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 17:46

Goldenbear · 16/08/2023 17:27

I am thinking this isn't really bad. I have overheard my DS and friends and they are very honest, none of them would care about dressing up an answer about the ease of exams. Maybe he is unlucky and these boys are all a bit sensitive. If they are not sensitive maybe they are just going with the flow to keep friends with the powerful ones in the group. There are always some that are more influential. My DS was not prepared to apologise to those types so he would rather have nothing to do with them. Lets face it school is full of knobheads like that. Everyone I know that liked alternative music, art drama etc. Like I did hated school as it is full of sheep and it is always the bullies and obnoxious ones that come out on top, it is much more about that ability than personality IME.

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Thank you for making me laugh. There are a few knobheads in the group I am sure!

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