My son 16 has lost his friends

[Tauranga]

Last year before Christmas son started to lose friends. He never told me until Spring time when he was visibly upset about not being invited out by his friends. He explained that they had stopped asking him out to the cinema etc but still chatted to him at lunch time. I asked on of his friends mum's and she asked her son. They had gone off my son because he is annoying and a bragger

This was true, he was a bragger and we as a family were working on his modesty and his humbleness. He has matured so much and is now so much more sympato others situations.

He has however come home from school today and told me that the 'friends' are now acting as if he is not there. They are blanking him

I have no idea what to do. He is a lovely boy and I just want him to be happy. I don't know how to help him make different friends.

I know no one can help but perhaps this happened to your son and he now has loads of friends. Any inspirational stories appreciated xx

So he's not on the spectrum then? (waits for MN to come at me for suggesting it). One of mine hasn't a bloody clue how he comes across. I have to shout Edmund Clever-Clogs at him and tell him stop being arrogant, it's not a good trait. He's socially awkward and really unaware (on the pathway already but his peers recognised it before the teacher did).

I also teach a pupil who struggles with how others perceive him. They find him irritating. He gets on their nerves without having to do an awful lot from what I can see. I've pulled up his peers before after class and done the better to be kind than right, mantra but bottom line is that you cannot force friendships. It is good that he is doing lunchtime clubs to keep busy.

Is it too late for him to join a team?

Op in the gentlest way you need to calm down. Feeling sick because a friend might decline an invitation is way over the top. It was never a done thing for parents to get involved in teen friendships until recently and I wonder if it’s done any good to be honest. I would just encourage him to relax, take him to do a couple of nice family things, once he’s not desperate for their friendship any more they’ll come back. At the moment he’s probably an irritating tag-a-long who they now know is desperate for their friendship because you phoned his mum. Don’t make a big thing of it.

But he knows what he's done wrong? Why can't he put his "new skills" into action with the people he actually knows?

See, I was going to suggest that he needs to acknowledge that he was a knob and apologise without alluding to or expecting to be able to hang out with them again just like that.

Just acknowledge and apologise, no excuses. No expectations. And then keep on being the better person he's become.

He'd dealt with it alone for four months by the sounds of it so I don't blame the OP for asking another mum, although I probably wouldn't have at 15/16 because they're meant to work it out themselves by then (easier said than done).
Bloody secondary school can be a nightmare though. Best days of your life, my behind. I hope things get better for your son OP.

It really doesn't.

I have no idea, of course how he is with the others. He has changed though. I used to get irritated by him correcting me for example. Now he doesn't do it. He also knows that he should deflect questions instead answering, for example if someone asks how did you get on in your exam. He used to say Oh, so easy. Now he says, not too bad, how did you get on...
We are trying hard ..

It's a very difficult time for kids and friendships, right through the teenage years. Those times were very difficult for me growing up. I went to boarding school in England, and found it hard to fit in (accent, being from Northern Ireland, everyone in the school seems to have much wealthier families than mine). When I was home, I was also drifting away from most of my friends who were there.

It's not on inspirational story, but I did learn a lot during that time, at least in retrospect. I also focused more on my studies, and sport, and as a result did very well academically. Going on to Uni and work it was much easier for me. It also made me somewhat selective in forming friendships going foreward. Hoping all the best for your son. He has some growing up to do, it sounds like he has great family support (as I did).

I don’t know I mean is there anything so wrong with being confident and knowledgeable ? If this was my sons friend I would tell him to work it out and not leave the boy on his own

He should live in Germany or the States. In the latter, you're positively expected to tell people what all your qualifications are and in the latter, confidence is seen as an essential trait. Here, it's all self-deprecation, nuance and Tall Poppy syndrome.

In the former even.

Ok he's had an easy life so far, brags a lot and has now lost his friends because of it.
This is tough because you never want to see your kids suffer but this, for a 16 year old, is going to be really important to navigate together. Talk to him and show him how things feel from others perspectives then help him practice listening actively to others and validating them a bit without being utterly cringy with it. Then, encourage him to to friendly to the group when he sees them but also to form a new social circle outside school. Look for church youth groups, sea or air cadets, venture scouts, sports clubs or teams, drama clubs (if he has any interest at all as a boy he will be snapped up!) a choir or running clubs and park runs.
Basically encourage exploring a few groups that are sociable and prepared to be open and welcoming to people coming along on their own. Once he gels with a group and creates a new circle his desperation to get his old friends back will fade and he may well find they drift back to normal when the pressure's off.
Good luck, it isn't a fun thing for you or your child to experience.

This is how adults describe him, but I think the kids just see it as boasting. Unfortunately.

This may not be the majority view, but I agree. He is 16, and he has seriously annoyed his peers. They are reacting to his behaviour. He may not have realised how he was coming across (bravado is a teenage thing anyway), but he has to take responsibility for what he has done. You can give him some advice on how to play it, but talking to parents or the school and expecting other adults to fix this will probably on make things worse. Teenagers do not want to be told who they must be friends with, and there is no law that says they must be friends with him. They are entitled to not want to be friends with him, and they don't have to want to have anything to do with him. It really is fairly "normal behaviour" - people often blank / go no contact with people they don't like, and it's an MN credo so I am not entirely sure why some people think this is not on - it's often highly recommended on here!

He can probably put this right, but it will require him to do the work, eat some humble pie, own up to his faults, and not expect others to get over it on his timetable (because that is also rather arrogant). Life lessons do hurt sometimes, and most people have gone through them, especially in the teenage years. But what we do with them is learn from them. Hopefully.

I actually think this is the best approach. He has nothing to lose. I also agree with pp...boys generally don't tend to bear grudges and are usually much more forgiving than girls that age. Hopefully it will blow over

Completely agree with this.

I'm unsure if this is true actually. Do you have a 16 year old boy? IME, 16 year old boys are very judgemental and mostly emotionally immature so they are quick to align themselves with the most powerful in the friendship group for fear of being shunned themselves. My DS was in a huge friendship group at Christmas then joked about a boy online who he said is desperate to appear popular. Unfortunately for DS, one of the boys who is jealous of his friendship with their mutual friend was online for 4 hours ear wigging, pretending he had left the game and relayed this information to the boys DS had said it about. The boy who spread the information was bad mouthing DS for being a bit of a hippy and not as wealthy as them (they are very, very wealthy) and it divided the group. DS was annoyed that he'd been spied on but it is bizarre how quickly boys can switch allegiances. DS has resulting friends from the split and he is very laid back so doesn't really care. Unfortunately, I think it is only time that improved things for DS, ironically the boy he said it about is friends with him now but the gossiper that split the group is still hostile. Essentially, clubs may be good but personally I know DS doesn't think you can make friends in an organic way like that but I personally think you can. Good luck to your son OP.

Is there a youth theatre group near you? They are very good for socialising and making friends. Even if he doesn't want to act backstage crew are always welcome.

I don't know if he is asn, his father and grandad are a bit different but very personable with it...

I know what you mean about just being generally irritating. Hopefully he is not like this.

He covid say look im sorry I've been a bit of a dick but point taken. Do you fancy going to see Oppenheimer or whatever?

It'll take guts but could be worth it

There's not a lot you can do if someone drops you other than walk with your head held high and concentrate on other people. Sometimes relationships just naturally slow fade. It doesn't make it easier for your boy. When are Scotland back? Around now? New seating plans will help hopefully.

I definitely second this approach, casual

This is actually brilliant. I will raise this idea with him. Thanks

OP is in Scotland so they've just started the new school year and he's in the equivalent of Year 12

I am surprised that a mum asked her son and replied with a reason why. I'd be wondering how accurate that answer is even though it sounds like your son's friends deserve a "sorry for being a knob" message.