Page 4 | My son 16 has lost his friends

Tauranga · 2023-08-16T15:35:37+00:00

Last year before Christmas son started to lose friends. He never told me until Spring time when he was visibly upset about not being invited out by his friends. He explained that they had stopped asking him out to the cinema etc but still chatted to him at lunch time. I asked on of his friends mum's and she asked her son. They had gone off my son because he is annoying and a bragger This was true, he was a bragger and we as a family were working on his modesty and his humbleness. He has matured so much and is now so much more sympato others situations. He has however come home from school today and told me that the 'friends' are now acting as if he is not there. They are blanking him I have no idea what to do. He is a lovely boy and I just want him to be happy. I don't know how to help him make different friends. I know no one can help but perhaps this happened to your son and he now has loads of friends. Any inspirational stories appreciated xx

Mumof4plusbonus · 16/08/2023 17:46

I would actually speak to the mum again and see if she can help. Or get him to approach the kindest in the group. I know a lot of people say you shouldn’t get involved but my son is asd, as are a lot of their friendship group despite mainstream school, so that might be the difference, but us mums aren’t afraid to send a message to eachother here and there. We know how to be subtle about it.

Original poster

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 17:49

familyissues12345 · 16/08/2023 17:33

Sending solidarity OP, my almost 15 year old is going through similar. Asks to meet up with mates who just ignore him, tbh I'm a bit heartbroken over it all, he spends all day alone

It is heartbreaking. I hope things improve for your wee boy x

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Spirallingdownwards · 16/08/2023 17:50

Goldenbear · 16/08/2023 17:42

Or perhaps they are not a very nice group of friends. Just because a group of teenagers take a dislike to one in the group it doesn't automatically make them right. What is more likely, is they are afraid of having the same treatment dished out to them and their own faults highlighted as we do all have them you know- flaws! There aren't many people that are prepared to stand up for anything let alone in a school context.

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The mother herself has already acknowledged further up thread that this was also a problem at home and that they had been addressing it. To be fair if it was such a problem that the family themselves felt they needed to deal with it ie. those that love him why would a group of teens be expected to like a teen who brags around them. If your own child came home and said X brags all the time and it's really annoying or upsetting others who haven't done as well in their test or at spirt or whatever it is he is bragging about you would say ignore him or try to avoid him.

Original poster

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 17:52

Mummy08m · 16/08/2023 17:36

I think these things have no quick fix and resolve gradually.

Your DS sees these friends rvery weekday in lessons and form periods. That dozens of opportunities per day of demonstrating that he's no longer braggy, but is now chill, or sound, or whatever the word is for it these days! It'll take a couple of weeks of being excluded at parties but after a while someone will say "why don't we ask X? Nah, he's sound now, I do Maths with him, trust me" and that'll be that.

By all means he could try an apology on WhatsApp but that seems more drama than it's worth if he hasn't done one terrible thing.

This is my advice as a longstanding teacher at boys' schools! Yes, friendship groups can be as fraught and complicated as girls' ones!

Thank you. This is a great way to explain things to my son. I think this will be part of the plan.

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Original poster

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 17:55

CheesyWhatsit · 16/08/2023 17:37

You asked for experience …

DH was ditched by his friends at 14/15. He made one new one, and had friends outside school but was bullied in school. Found more like minds at 6th from college and made many life-long friends at uni.

I suspect that being super-academic and not sporty was a difficult fit at school.

Roll forward to now, he’s very successful but a humble and kind person. He has a 4 very devoted close friends and a wide circle of friends we keep up with. I think that earlier struggles have made him sympathetic and gentle, although of course, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Thank you. Your son sounds lovely and I am so happy he has made it out the other side! It is always good to hear, thank tou again

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LaBelleSauvage123 · 16/08/2023 17:59

DS1 had a friend like this at secondary school. He would boast and exaggerate ( I think for him it was a way of trying to fit in, as he'd moved from a different area). The group got fed up with him and for a while stopped including him in things. But then gradually during Yr 11 and sixth form something changed. The lad became more socially aware as he settled and the group just gradually accepted him again. He and DS went travelling in their gap year and he's now one of DS's closest friends. He's still a bit eccentric and 'different' but no longer puts people's backs up. They were all 'nice lads' as you describe your DS's friends and quite willing to accept he'd changed. So I think the advice you've had for him to try to show them he's changed, either through contacting one of them or texting to say he's been a knob, is a good one. Good luck to him.

lastseasonstop · 16/08/2023 17:59

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 17:21

This is actually brilliant. I will raise this idea with him. Thanks

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I agree with this. Just for him to say I’m sorry. I know I’ve been a bit of a dick. I get it now and I’m sorry. Don’t follow it up with anything else about meeting or hanging out.

whybotheratall · 16/08/2023 18:02

This is the mother's fear and often we make it more tragic than it really is.

Creepybookworm · 16/08/2023 18:02

My son fell out with a close friend at a similar age. They had a small group of pals and they started to ostracize this boy. I tried to get to the bottom of it but my son wouldn't tell me what this boy had done. I was worried about this boy as he had an unusual home life and I didn't want my son's actions to make things worse. I did find out about a year later when they had all moved onto different college and it was something unrelated to bragging (something worse!).

Anyway with a bit of maturity the boy admitted his behaviour was wrong and they are all friends again. They are at different unis now. Everyone has their own friends but they meet up when they are back home. I think your son could try apologising in a group chat but it might take stepping back and finding new friends in the short term.

Omm · 16/08/2023 18:02

some people are just not meant to be friends.

I don’t think he should apologise or strategise about how to become friends with them again.

Maybe he could just focus on doing things/hobbies that interest him and friends will come that way, he won’t need to brag or anything like that. Maybe he wasn’t acting well before because he felt that he wasn’t fitting in with that crowd. Maybe it’s just the wrong friendship group for him.

Most of my friends were outside of school, it didn’t make school easy but I think trying to fit in would break me!

Original poster

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 18:04

DaisyThistle · 16/08/2023 17:45

My son had no friends, Not because he was a bragger but because he is autistic.But he was socially awkward for a long time He made some friends in 6th form.

Then at uni, during lockdown had a horrendous time being excluded from the very few social groups that were active in his halls and he felt very low. I was sick with worry for his wellbeing. But by summer he met a couple of new crowds, went on holiday with one group, shared a house with another.

There are things he can do. He can focus on trying to create strong new friendships. He could try texting his old friends and being really honest: I know you dropped me because I was a PITA bragger but I've realised how annoying that was and stopped. It's not much fun having no one to hang out with. Can we meet up?

Prep him for the worst case scenario which is that they have moved on completely. If so, he needs to have faith that he can and will make new friends and he won't make the same mistake with them. He can be quietly confident instead of showing off. Falling out with one group of friends is not a sign that you are fundamentally unlikeable, just that you need to move on to a different group of people.

Does he have a girlfriend or boyfriend? Would it help if he tried dating? Does he belong to a sports team, choir, orchestra, youth theatre, scouts etc - some group activity where you just all get on and do stuff, friends or not? Maybe he could join a few new teams or groups and see how it goes.

Thank tou for your lovely message.

I'm glad your son has found his way.
I did ask if my son has his eye on anyone, he does like one girl but again is very shy!
He goes to one sport every week and there are new people joining soon so I am hoping he will get along with them.
Thank tou again you are making me feel everything will be OK.

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Original poster

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 18:07

LaBelleSauvage123 · 16/08/2023 17:59

DS1 had a friend like this at secondary school. He would boast and exaggerate ( I think for him it was a way of trying to fit in, as he'd moved from a different area). The group got fed up with him and for a while stopped including him in things. But then gradually during Yr 11 and sixth form something changed. The lad became more socially aware as he settled and the group just gradually accepted him again. He and DS went travelling in their gap year and he's now one of DS's closest friends. He's still a bit eccentric and 'different' but no longer puts people's backs up. They were all 'nice lads' as you describe your DS's friends and quite willing to accept he'd changed. So I think the advice you've had for him to try to show them he's changed, either through contacting one of them or texting to say he's been a knob, is a good one. Good luck to him.

O.m.g this could be my son. We moved here before the pandemic so just like your sons friend. This story gives me hope. Thank you so much.

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Original poster

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 18:09

Omm · 16/08/2023 18:02

some people are just not meant to be friends.

I don’t think he should apologise or strategise about how to become friends with them again.

Maybe he could just focus on doing things/hobbies that interest him and friends will come that way, he won’t need to brag or anything like that. Maybe he wasn’t acting well before because he felt that he wasn’t fitting in with that crowd. Maybe it’s just the wrong friendship group for him.

Most of my friends were outside of school, it didn’t make school easy but I think trying to fit in would break me!

This is a great point to make, and I am aware I don't want my son to feel he has to intrinsically change . Thank you for bringing this up

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lanthanum · 16/08/2023 18:11

It's a shame changing school isn't an option, as it's probably going to be much easier to start afresh with new friends. It might be worth him keeping an eye out for other friendship groups/loners he could befriend. If you're having a word with his guidance teacher - are there any new starters he could be asked to show around? Are there any lunchtime activities where he could be useful helping younger kids? If he can get some practice in relating to new people, that will be useful when he does finish school and get that fresh start.

LifeIsShitJustNow · 16/08/2023 18:12

The issue I have with an apology about being a bragger is that the ds has never been told by said friend that this was the issue. That’s what one if the mum said when the OP asked in a roundabout way.
Who knows what they think the issue is!

I agree with @Goldenbear . With my two ds, someone who comes out saying that the exam was easy isn’t seen as bragging, esp because they all know very well who gets top marks and will indeed have found it easy.
What isn’t accepted is someone saying that whilst clearly communicating (tone of voice, facial expression etc…) that anyone not managing is stupid.
Thats not even bragging though, that’s seeing yourself as above everyone else. And whilst changing what he says (which is the work you’ve don’t do far) will help, if he still thinks like this, it won’t make a huge difference in the long term. People know when someone thinks they are dumb, even Wo ever saying it.

Aaaaandbreathe · 16/08/2023 18:17

BoohooWoohoo · 16/08/2023 17:24

I am surprised that a mum asked her son and replied with a reason why. I'd be wondering how accurate that answer is even though it sounds like your son's friends deserve a "sorry for being a knob" message.

When my son was in 1st year, he and his 'group' stopped wanting to hang around with a certain boy. When I was having a chat with the guidance teacher about something separate, she mentioned that the boys Mum had contacted the school to see if there was an issue. I asked my son and he told me straight the boy was irritating, tried to show off all the time which meant putting others in the group down so he didn't want to hang around with him anymore. So I do definitely believe the other Mum's answer.

@Tauranga if it helps any, they did get back on friendly terms a year later. Unsure whether he comments were passed on but the boy stopped trying to wind my son up and while not best friends, my son forgave and moved on from it.

harriethoyle · 16/08/2023 18:19

@Tauranga I really struggled with secondary school - I wasn't a boaster but I was clever and worked very hard, and, as you can imagine, using free periods to study marked me out as a massive loser 😂(Full confession time, I once went to a silent religious retreat for the weekend to work on an extended essay. I was SO NOT COOL! 😆) I was just always on the periphery and I was quite lonely. But I also had things like choir, orchestra, drama etc outside school, which took the pressure off in terms of school being my only social network and I used to go to summer camps etc. I read a lot and hung out with my family mainly.

When I went to uni, I felt like I fitted in for the first time ever. It wasn't weird or losery to be clever and to work hard. I found my tribe. I really hope your son does too.

Original poster

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 18:20

Thank you everyone who has taken the time to reply. Every reply meant so much and I now have some great ideas to help him and to keep me calm and seeing the bigger picture.

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Blueink · 16/08/2023 18:22

Yes this is an upsetting situation and had a similar experience.

I suggested and paid for an activity for DS and one of the main lost friendships. This interrupted the dynamics of the group and got things back on track.

Original poster

Tauranga · 16/08/2023 18:22

harriethoyle · 16/08/2023 18:19

@Tauranga I really struggled with secondary school - I wasn't a boaster but I was clever and worked very hard, and, as you can imagine, using free periods to study marked me out as a massive loser 😂(Full confession time, I once went to a silent religious retreat for the weekend to work on an extended essay. I was SO NOT COOL! 😆) I was just always on the periphery and I was quite lonely. But I also had things like choir, orchestra, drama etc outside school, which took the pressure off in terms of school being my only social network and I used to go to summer camps etc. I read a lot and hung out with my family mainly.

When I went to uni, I felt like I fitted in for the first time ever. It wasn't weird or losery to be clever and to work hard. I found my tribe. I really hope your son does too.

@harriethoyle you do sound exactly like my son. He is very clever and very academic and he just doesn't fit. I hope he is like you and finds his people at university. Thank you for taking the rime to reply.

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DancesWithDucks · 16/08/2023 18:25

Just to say, sympathies. My older is autistic and he's struggled with friendships at times and he feels it keenly that almost no one contacts him, it is always him contacting them. He doesn't often get asked to join events at all and he's been very sad about his rather lonely days.

He does have one friend that he goes to a roleplaying evening once a week with and that helps. He's also just started a supermarket shelf stacking job and actually, he's really enjoying it, including the social side - he was terrified beforehand to the point that he almost didn't go to his first day of work.

Might a small job help?

Blueink · 16/08/2023 18:29

To add it may also be helpful to explore if there is a school youth support service where he could get confidential support around this

JudgeRudy · 16/08/2023 18:32

Is he aware why they've dropped him. Does he have the maturity to accept the reasons. Would he be prepared to eat humble pie?
If so maybe you could choose to invite one of the lads (one with a bit of status) to join your son for an 'unmissable ' activity (theme Park?) He could say he knows he been a pain but he really misses his old mates. Not too emotional though. Lads don't tend to hold grudges and hopefully he'll be accepted back into the pack.
It's a tough lesson.

beachbitch · 16/08/2023 18:39

OP this is heartbreaking I’m so sorry. I would strongly encourage him to join a new sport or two, or a new hobby . He will find a lovely friends eventually but it will be easier if he’s in a shared activity so there’s less pressure to make friendships as the sole purpose.

Beurla · 16/08/2023 18:41

Aww I'm sorry for him OP. Not sure what to advise, but I worry about this too. Your DS must be so sad. Hopefully he will make new friends in time. Just be there for him in the meantime.