Anyone else never told "the secret"?

[bollytrolly]

I've just always been a bit of a mess all my life my appearance no matter how carefully I press my clothes or do my hair or put my make up on by the time I get to where I am going I always look a mess with frizzy hair, clothes all creased and make up sliding off my face. If I have something to go to where I'll be photographed I will end up getting a black eye or a bee will still me on the face. I seem to be so hard on clothes, shoes and socks and everything seems to fall to bits in double quick time even with better brands. People always slag Boris Johnson for looking a mess but I wonder if he is just a male version of me and can't get it right even if he really tries?

I had awful acne as a teen and am still getting spots now at 44 even though I take great care with my skincare, see dermatologists. Other women seem to glide though life, cool calm and collected never a hair out of place, they never seem to sweat or go attend meetings with a large toothpaste stain on their boob that they don't notice until after.

Even with items I remember at school it was always me who got the desk someone had drawn a knob on with black marker or got the ripped books! I remember as a girl I used to think of the other girls as "top girls" you know proper girls who looked nice and did ballet and horse riding lessons and then me who had awful allergies and had snot pouring out my nose half the year!

I just wanted to be a feminine and delicate woman for once in my life but now perimenopause his upon me and all my short comings are just getting worse, chin hair anyone?

Is there some secret women learn as young girls about how to achieve this aura of polish? Is there anyone like me who still has no clue?

I don't think brushing is the answer. Your hair looks a lot like mine, if I brush it it just goes wildly frizzy and fluffy.

I "comb" it with my fingers, use some serum or moroccan oil, generally pull it into a loose bun with a hair elastic. If I straighten it, it does look smooth but normally that wouldnt last a whole day.

It wasn't me who said about seatbelt straps but yes that is my experience too. It is interesting about the autism thing. I think I said earlier that I had an assessment done by an education psychologist when I was doing my masters. I did really well at the matrix reasoning, like 100% correct and after that I felt like the assessor was probing me to see if I might be autistic talking about her son and some book she wanted to read (I could be wrong but I thought that afterwards) She obviously felt I wasn't and put down dyspraxia as my diagnosis even though I don't have all the issues relating to this I am actually quite dextrous, have beautiful handwriting, can play a few musical instruments, have better balance and reflexes than my retired athlete husband but I do have noticeable sensory issues but I always thought that might be down to my migraines more than anything else. Also some issues with executive function and working memory. I don't think I fit into any category 100% but am probably in the neurodiverse camp.

Must admit brushing seems to make the frizz worse. I can go from looking like my photo to looking like Hagrid after brushing it. Which according to TikTok means it’s curly.

This is definitely my experience. If I brush my hair when it's dry, it starts looks like a fluffy Christmas tree. I now only brush it when it is wet and has conditioner on it.

Would tailored wide leg trousers work on someone of 5'1 @Ginmonkeyagain ? I think I've shrunk with age actually. I may be just 5'0 by now. I don't wear men's t-shirts., god no - quite a large bust though not overweight. I think I looked okay in tailored Tshirts when younger but with my height and the general shapelessness of menopause I just look dumpy.

I actually think it's about

1. Finding styles that suit you and
2. How you hold yourself. I have quite thick, tangly hair that's not wavy enough to be wavy/curly but not straight enough to be straight. Instead of fighting it, I had a choppy bob cut which looks good when my hair starts curling in weird places. I also find that when I feel more confident and dress how I like (e.g. bright colours, slightly different styles), I 'pull it off' better. I saw a video on tiktok that said to dress how you dressed as a 13 year old (i.e. when you were still discovering your style and trying out new trends - not actually dressing how you dressed when you were 13) and that has become my motto!

Also OP don't discount the dyspraxia and how it affects you - my DH has it and does look rather dishevelled if I don't remind him to do basic things like brush his hair and wear a shirt that hasn't been crumpled on the floor for a week!

In a way it sounds as though you're trying to be something that you're not. The way in which you describe yourself (albeit very jokily) suggests that you don't value yourself too much. Most of us make the best of what we have been given and accept ourselves. I never compare myself with the really "well put together" women because it's just not me. You can be as well put together as you want - but I don't think you will ever be satisfied because it's almost as though you wish you were someone else.

Well I’m in my 30s with deep wrinkles. So if I saw you I’d probably be thinking the same as you and wondering my why skin is shit even though I do rigorous skin care, have a good diet, wear factor 50 every day.

As I said earlier, this is just life. Most people feel the same as you. All these immaculate people will be looking at someone else wondering why they aren’t like them.

@AInightingale I think if they are haigh waister and fitted ariund the hips and tummy they wil be fine. You need a more fitted top though.

I hate trousers as it is so hard to find well fitting ones. My favourites are some high waisted, wide leg cords I got from M&S a few years ago. I wear them with low heels, a tucked in drape t shirt or knitted short sleeved top.

I’m similar, clothes don’t fit, skin is ropey, hair is frizzy, I’m clumsy due to a hidden disability. If, by some miracle, I hit the spot with an outfit I celebrate for the next year!

I tend to invest in hairdressers and handbags. I feel like if those are good, the rest will hopefully be less apparent and I feel more confident.

I should add that people always tell me that I always look well put together, but it isn't something that I make a bit effort to do. I value simplicity, comfort and I really want to be someone who is enjoying life and being active without having to worry about getting a hair out of place, or losing a nail or whatever.

I also have to add that I really hate that immaculately groomed look - long nails, false eyelashes, perfect lipstick that has to be constantly reapplied etc that some women favour these days - really puts me off.

Ouch harsh @Hufflepods Even if I do all these things iron clothes, am organised, sort hair, do make up and it all looks good as I leave the house by the time I get to where I am going its like I've been walking in through 60mph gusts on a hot and humid day. Its unfair to assume we don't bother at all when many of us do try and even do everything you are saying and it still doesn't work, that's kind of the point of why I started this thread. What happens is if you do all the right things consistently and it still isn't working you end up thinking why am I even bothering!

Not quite me but not far off. I'm not awful but never quite manage the groomed look. My tips are -
Buy a tooth water flosser. The cheap ones on Amazon are fine. Use every day and stains will reduce and your gum health will improve. Whitening toothpaste - I like Lidl 60p tube, you don't need to spend on expensive toothpastes (my father was a dentist).
Get your skin in the best condition. Liz Earle Cleanse and Polish (Superdrug & Aldi do a very good copy). Its gentle but will give your face a really good polish. Find a moisturiser that suits your skin.
Iron clothes that need it. Polish your footwear. I keep an tube of instant polish for my black winter boots in the office for emergency touch ups.
If someone admires your hair or clothes, take note of what you're doing that day. Is it the colour or the shape of your dress etc. Replicate!
Don't slouch!
Smile.
Be yourself.

I think I have found my people ! I was brought up in a house where my mum didn't wear make up / perfume etc. Turns out she also had undiagnosed ADHD, I was diagnosed two years ago at the merry age of 52. I was always told that makeup / etc looking after yourself didn't matter as you would never be part of that group ! I wanted to be an air hostess when I was younger and was told I wasn't good looking enough by my parents. This was the 80's.
So I always feel undone and not feminine. And subliminally always thinks what's the point of fussing.
I am 56 and have finally established that a bob suits me - I don't have time to lose my life to blow drying hair.
Clothes I see what someone else is wearing - similar size / height etc ( I am 5'0 and shrinking - one of the little people) and try to recreate the whole outfit. I acquire cheap jewellery from the likes of primark as the ADHD ensures I will lose everything.
Part of the issue for me was the lost years to the DC , whilst working full time. Exhausting. My stomach muscles separated during pregnancy to never return - so I am like a sausage roll straight up and down with bumps .
We have to start with liking ourselves as people first and that means undoing a lot of the messaging from childhood.

I'm a vegetarian always have been since my early teens and while there was a spell when I lived on cheese and onion pasties and cheese and tomato pizza after I first became veggie I soon learned that if I wanted to eat well I'd have to learn to cook. So I make most of my own food from scratch and my diet is pretty good a big variety of fresh veg, leafy greens etc. I sleep like a log and could sleep on the edge of a knife as they say so that is fine and I haven't drank alcohol at all since I was 18, I experimented with it as a teenager but decided it wasn't for me and packed it in. Exercise is more hit and miss, I walk a lot as I don't drive and I do a bit of yoga at home a few times a week but I don't go to the gym or anything.

I would love to know the secret. I have to put a HUGE amount of effort in to look even half decent. Most of the time I don't have the energy for this amount of effort. I agree that it is easier for slimmer people to look more together. Likewise people with good skin too.

Wow this thread has stormed ahead!

i agree it could be down to effort and routine but I don’t think it’s solely down to being organised- I could lay out an outfit in advance but it will still look shit. I can look ok in real life but still look awful in a photograph. It’s not just about not being ‘ x enough’. Being organised doesn’t mean you don’t get a pen leak all over you, or spill something, and it doesn’t make you any less likely to be red faced and sweaty if that’s the way you are naturally. Being organised doesn’t stop my freckles joining up into dark spots on my face. It doesn’t make my arms look less red in photographs.

i read somewhere about wearing white linen clothes- some people just look effortlessly chic, cool and glamourous, and others look like they’ve spent the night in a holding cell in a Thai jail. You’re either one or the other 🤷‍♀️

I'm a bit similar, OP. And having done the online test, I'm sure I'm dyspraxic.

I get wanting to look "calm, smart and put together", but delicate and dainty? I'd hate that. Grateful to be relatively tall and would love better muscle tone. Good posture and muscle tone definitely help you look well-presented and polished.

Great advice from @MallardsMoorhensAndLethe

I have put an ironing board and iron beside my wardrobe which lessens the chances of going out in non-ironed clothes. Yes it makes a big difference.

I do hair straighteners when my hair is strong enough - I also have frizz which takes work to make look okay.

For me, extra weight is the hardest thing to overcome. I can just look frumpy no matter what time or money goes into it. Perversely loose styles are the worst.

"I was always told that makeup / etc looking after yourself didn't matter as you would never be part of that group"

@Maighnuad I relate to this although I think it was more my own realisation that I couldn't compete with other girls on that level. My mum is actually always immaculate and would get very frustrated with how I looked especially endless battles about my hair she has very straight hair that fell like a sheet when long and wanted mine to do the same but I have my Dad's course, curly hair but she treated it like a personal failing, I remember as a teen her screeching at me that it was like I "wanted to be ugly". Absolutely crushing to be honest 😢She also used to bang on about other women / girls my age she worked with, how they dressed and had their hair and how lovely it was with the implication that I just wasn't up to snuff. I used to feel like she'd rather one of them was her daughter.

So I suppose childhood messaging does have an impact.

@UmbilicalCordonBleu Wrinkles are the worst thing really and I do think they can look nice and quite sexy too! My skin is thick and thick skin is typically greasy which mine is so if you saw me you'd be thinking "has that woman just been face down in a plate of greasy kebab meat? She should wash her face after eating!"

@UmbilicalCordonBleu that should say wrinkles are NOT the worst thing! Sorry about that.

I just hang on to my skin as its the only good thing I have going for me!

I think it's a case of being more critical of yourself, others don't see you the way you feel, they probably think you are "together" and they are a mess!

I'm like you, spots in middle age, frizzy now thin hair, a hatred of ironing (ok that's really just me) and I lack confidence in what goes together basically ... yet the manager of the charity shop I volunteer at says she loves my "style" asks me where I got things etc etc go figure! Charity shop chic is my style aka a mishmash of things, certainly not any particular style. I think she needs her eyes tested yet I'm dressing the mannequins and whole outfits sell, certainly helped my self esteem.

I think being "blessed" with frizzy curly hair puts us at a disadvantage though as it never really looks polished and groomed, however it can look naturally pretty in a way straight hair does not ... swings and roundabouts

@MaybeOneAndDone have you tried spraying your hair with water and scrunching it on non-wash days? My DS has very thick, dry, curly, crazy hair and the spritz and scrunch method makes a huge difference, as does a silk pillow case.

I used to feel exactly like OP describes all through my teens and early 20s. DS has been diagnosed with dyspraxia and I see a lot of similarities between us, which makes me wonder whether I could be also.

The key for me is having duplicates of things everywhere and making sure everything is visible. For example, on my WFH desk right now are hand cream, cuticle oil, nail file, Dior Nail Glow (the Nails Inc dupe is just as good) and quick dry spray. Having them there right in front of me means that I apply hand cream and cuticle oil several times a day and often discreetly apply a coat of polish (follow immediately by quick dry spray before I can smudge it) during a long, dull virtual meeting. Toe nails are a Shellac polish once every few months, they stay immaculate for ages.

I keep a hair brush, nail file, deodorant and make up basics everywhere- every handbag, desk at work, in my car etc so I always have things to hand.

For those struggling with smudging eye make up, a decent primer and baking powder (the makeup kind, not the cooking kind) have been a game changer for my oily, watery eyes.

My hair is fine, not quite straight but not properly curly and definitely prone to frizz. A keratin blow dry makes a huge difference, as does investing in some decent products (Oribe and Davines suit me best). I can’t use a curling wand or blow dry my hair properly, but I can tip my head upside down to rough dry and then spend 2 minutes going over it with a Dyson Airwrap hot brush and it looks good for a few days.