Anyone else never told "the secret"?

[bollytrolly]

I've just always been a bit of a mess all my life my appearance no matter how carefully I press my clothes or do my hair or put my make up on by the time I get to where I am going I always look a mess with frizzy hair, clothes all creased and make up sliding off my face. If I have something to go to where I'll be photographed I will end up getting a black eye or a bee will still me on the face. I seem to be so hard on clothes, shoes and socks and everything seems to fall to bits in double quick time even with better brands. People always slag Boris Johnson for looking a mess but I wonder if he is just a male version of me and can't get it right even if he really tries?

I had awful acne as a teen and am still getting spots now at 44 even though I take great care with my skincare, see dermatologists. Other women seem to glide though life, cool calm and collected never a hair out of place, they never seem to sweat or go attend meetings with a large toothpaste stain on their boob that they don't notice until after.

Even with items I remember at school it was always me who got the desk someone had drawn a knob on with black marker or got the ripped books! I remember as a girl I used to think of the other girls as "top girls" you know proper girls who looked nice and did ballet and horse riding lessons and then me who had awful allergies and had snot pouring out my nose half the year!

I just wanted to be a feminine and delicate woman for once in my life but now perimenopause his upon me and all my short comings are just getting worse, chin hair anyone?

Is there some secret women learn as young girls about how to achieve this aura of polish? Is there anyone like me who still has no clue?

Oh, and I can’t use an iron effectively so I steam my clothes instead. I always pick my outfit the night before, steam it and hang it with everything else I need, right down to underwear.

Why do you keep getting black eyes?

@bollytrolly I have a similar diagnosis. Just something a bit off. Did an assessment and given Dyspraxia as the outcome. I'm very similar to you. Would love to look well turned out even once in a while but never quite manage it. Life is always a bit of a muddle, resulting in anxiety and low self esteem on which I spend a lot of my energy trying to mask. It's all a bit exhausting!

Sorry, wish I had advice to offer you.

Not necessarily. Understanding curly hair and experimenting you can figure it out. Welshcurlygirl on Instagram is brilliant. I sleep on a silk pillow with my hair in a scrunchie. Day 2 it looks okay shaken out. Day 3 I do a quick water and product refresh. Day 4 high messy bun. Best to diffuser dry with a strong hold product e.g. gel or hairspray. It has simplified my hair for me, but admittedly took a while to get here. I find the strict curly girl stuff not useful, instead a curly hairdresser set me on the right path.

I think it also depends what you mean. Over groomed like barbie looks awful, long eyelashes etc looks more dishevelled than no make up and a tracksuit.
Key points are find a hairdresser you like that understands your hair. Mine is 15 quid but a million times better than the 50 quid ones who ruin it for months and I don't think can actually cut properly just product and style the mess they make!
Coat shoes and bag.
Clothes that fit, some shops will fit well. Eg tu at sainsburys long length fit my bum and legs well, f and f at tesco do not so sag on my bum. Nothing that needs ironing!
As little make up as possible. Ie vaseline or lip balm if dry, concealer with tea tree or sudocrem mixed with slightly darker foundation so spots are healing at the same time. I always have spots. Maybe eyebrow pencil if dyed hair darker.
Wash your hair less if frizzy.

I blame Scotland. I moved from middle of England where it’s very dry. Hair always looked good. Since moving I’ve had a bad hair day every day. 😂

Mostly it is from vomiting when I have a migraine, all the tiny blood vessels in my face pop and cause bruising especially round my eyes, people have asked if i am "ok" more than once like my GP and work mates so yeah it looks bad but not something I can avoid when it happens.

This is me. And to make matters worse, I really TRY. My hair is frizzy. I looked like a chubby crack addict yesterday evening and this morning so when I got up today I was determined to sort out my hair. So I used my posh, expensive shampoo and conditioner with rave reviews, followed by that Dreamcoat anti frizz stuff, blow dried carefully, straighteners over the top, finishing product. An hour later I walked to the local shop (3 minutes there, 3 minutes back). It is a lovely sunny day with no wind today yet by the time I got back, my hair was a puffy, frizzy, straggly mess.

my make up never looks nice unless I put it on less than half an hour ago. I use the primer and setting spray and everything, but no go. My clothes are always uncomfortable or sit wrong even when they’re expensive and well cut. I’m just a natural mess, however much time and money I throw at myself.

Oh! I’ve just realised that I’ve actually got a tip for the similarly afflicted people! I’ve recently discovered Maybelline Superstay Vinyl Ink. It’s a lip stain but with a glossy finish so it doesn’t make your lips dry. I have very pale lips that make me look ill and washed out which adds to the scruffy look. I got one of these in a shade that really suits me, put it on in the morning, blot slightly, and it stays put until lunch time. The rest of me still leaves a lot to be desired but this helps.

My 10 yo who can't find socks in a sock drawer recently asked why my hair sticks up everywhere. It was freshly combed into a ponytail, and we'd been outside less than two minutes, but I was already surrounded by a halo of short, curly bits. The underside of my hair is wavy to curly and can form ringlets, but the topside is straight to slight wave depending on weather. There is no point in styling it or straightening it because nature will reclaim it within 15 minutes anyway and life is too short to argue with hair.

Shoes are a lost cause. My shoe size hasn't been invented. I either wear size 2 sandals with extra holes punched in for width or size 4-5 trainers/ boots where they're anchored on securely enough so a spare inch+ doesn't matter. I have a presentable pair from Hotter for smart occasions, and discovering Hotter in my late 20s was a great boon for style. I can not wear anything pretty, dainty or slip-on. They either fall off when I attempt to move or grate the skin off within 5 minutes, and weeping wounds and limping are not stylish. Half my foot is ankle and my feet just look stubby by the time shoes are anchored on.

I have a subtle scar next to my eye that looks more obvious with make-up as it settles in the crease and disrupts the symmetry. I didn't experiment with make up in my teen years due to eczema. Weeping eyelids were sore! I wasn't into teen magazines and nor were my cluster of mis-fit friends. I CBA to get past that hump of looking worse with make-up to looking better, and TBH it's hard enough keeping up with brushing my teeth. I do brush my teeth! It's just never settled as an instinctive routine, and is a concious thing to have to think about and tends to slip mentally below the importance of daily training my neurodiverse sons to brush theirs. Mine are an afterthought. I probably am neurodiverse (I suspect somewhere around the ADHD/ dyspraxia zone for a multitude of reasons)

I look at women looking polished but just don't think I'd ever pull it off. I'm not well endowed with some of the natural advantages that help. I don't want to continuously spend hours and hours and £££ having appointments for hair cuts, nails and hair removal. I don't want to continuously study mirrors and fix myself. Wearing 5 layers of make-up sounds like wearing a mask. Even tinted moisturiser feels annoyingly plastic to touch and smell on my face. I'm not really sure what the reality looks like for the looking young end of 40s, everything always seems too old/ too young/ Not Me. I tend to a more boho style. In my favour, I am pretty good at identifying what does work on me and not making do with what doesn't because it's there.

Does it matter? All things being equal, most people want to look neat, and like they care for themselves. We do live with a certain superficial expectation. In many work places, I have felt like my face hasn't fitted and that does on one level work literally that my face isn't covered in products, but I'm uncomfortable if I cosplay at it, and it's not always well interpreted if I don't. When I qualified, I tried the smart suit approach and it made me miserable and inhibited me. Dresses work far better, but then dresses and comfortable, smart shoes are a minefield and I still don't feel polished.

Generally it's take me as I am (although an idiot-proof, absolute beginners guide for bewildered 40 somethings would be interesting because the world of beauty and grooming is utterly overwhelming for women who've missed memos continuously for over 30 years)

I run hot as well. I haven't bought a jumper in years.
In winter, I wear a coat over light clothes and carry a cardi in my bag.
I have some lovely bags from tkmaxx.

Shoes - I don't have many but what I do have are decent and clean. I buy trainers and casual shoes from outlet shops and other shoes from high street shops. Shoes are so difficult for me to buy. I genuinely don't know what shoes I like but I think I do ok eventually as people have complimented them. It's where I struggle most.

Clothes - I tend to buy plain clothes only. Patterns just confuse me. I always get complimented when I wear blues and greens but I feel safer in blacks or earthy neutral colours.

Jewellery- I have small stud earrings that I always have on. They were a gift and quite expensive. I have a couple of bracelets that go with everything so wear one if I can be bothered. I'd like to wear necklaces more but I always think I look overdressed with them. This is stupid because I never think someone else wearing a necklace is overdressed. I often think 'they look lovely! I should wear necklaces more often'

Can I add.. for the sack of potatoes bit... get a proper bra- its probably a band size smaller than what you think. It makes a huge difference to sillouettes in clothes.

"Maybe now ADHD is cool with the kids on TikTok, the frizzy, frazzled look can become a new kind of chic 😄"

@herewegoroundthebastardbush But have you noticed all those ADHD girls on tiktok always look bloody amazing!

I will flag up here that I have always been a well-groomed, sleek looking person.

I have had a period of significant health problems recently, and it has really changed my hair.

What used to be thick and glossy is now straggly, thin and broken.

It has completely changed me.

Nothing else about me is any different looks-wise really, but I am now ‘always a mess’ no matter what I do.

So that one thing is a game changer.

Just thought I would chuck that out there 🤷‍♀️

I can't do make up or do my hair, I've tried to do my hair, but generally it rebels and does what it wants within an hour or so anyway. Other people make it look so effortless, I put work in and look untidy anyway - and it's not about clothes, I've had outfits I was really pleased with, and felt I looked good in (though I never iron anything), but then my hair is all over the place, my make up is a mess, it rains and I get soaked, or I manage to brush up against something sticky...

Maybe I could learn to do make up and hair, but I don't think I have the aptitude for it, and I guess at the end of the day I don't want to spend the time on it, there are other things I prefer to do. Plus eventually most things upset my skin. Spent one hot summer unable to wear sunblock on my face - just wore a hat permanently, stayed indoors or in the shade and stayed in between 10 and 3 as much as possible.

ShipSpace, that’s interesting about your hair. I think hair is a huge thing for women (how must men feel when they go bald?). It’s so important. Take Kate Middleton. It’s the hair. Every time! Meghan, in-spite of an expensive, on-trend, stylist-chosen wardrobe, just… Doesn’t have the hair. And, I’m sure she spends an absolute fortune on hers! It’s also such a confidence-booster, sin it’s an inside as well as outside thing!

I haven’t read the last few pages of this thread so sorry if it’s been mentioned but for those of you with frizzy hair you must try Colour Wow dream coat, they also do extra strength and one for curly hair I believe. I’ve been really impressed with all their styling products but the dream coat is great. I have fine hair that sort of gets fluffy and it’s amazing, i wouldn’t be without it! They do minis as well which is a cheaper way to try!

@Gowlett You have a point I think Meghan is jaw droppingly beautiful, more so than Kate who is no slouch in the looks department but Kate has that wonderful swishy, bouncy chestnut hair that just makes her look so fabulous!

It's partly down to the extensions

I like Meghan's hair! I think the way she wears it either slick down or in a slightly loose bun is so much more modern than Kate's dated Barbie hair

@Chipsahoy Scotland is definitely a major villain in this whole debacle! Its always either windy and wet or hot and humid so good hair days for frizzy types is a once in a blue moon occasion!

I always think Kate's hair looks a bit silly at that length. Like an overgrown child. Megan looks far more grown-up.

@Gowlett It’s so important. Take Kate Middleton. It’s the hair. Every time! Meghan, in-spite of an expensive, on-trend, stylist-chosen wardrobe, just… Doesn’t have the hair.

I don't agree, there is nothing messy or unpolished about Meghan's hair imo.

They’re pretty much the same length?

Many women keep their hair long, sometimes waist length even as an elderly woman. It can actually look very elegant especially if up in a bun or chignon or side plait.

I really don’t like this negative attitude of women and long hair.

And that's what this thread is really about isn't it? Hankering after conventional beauty. Hence the mention of Katherine and Meghan. Very few people look like that even dressed up. If that's what you're aiming for it ain't ever going to happen.

they have figures that we consider conventionally beautiful. Very few people are like that. Especially people of a certain age.

I hate it when I go to the gym and someone points out some willowy youngster in their fitness gear and say they wish they could look like that and imply that I should too. Well, I don't. I live in reality and try to accept myself as I am and make the most of what I have been given. I have a lot more going for me than swishy hair. I am alive for one thing. Many people I know are so ill they need wheelchairs, some have even met early deaths. It is true what people say about everyone having their own beauty. You just have to find that in yourself, not hanker after looking like somebody else.