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Anyone else never told "the secret"?

397 replies

bollytrolly · 16/08/2023 00:02

I've just always been a bit of a mess all my life my appearance no matter how carefully I press my clothes or do my hair or put my make up on by the time I get to where I am going I always look a mess with frizzy hair, clothes all creased and make up sliding off my face. If I have something to go to where I'll be photographed I will end up getting a black eye or a bee will still me on the face. I seem to be so hard on clothes, shoes and socks and everything seems to fall to bits in double quick time even with better brands. People always slag Boris Johnson for looking a mess but I wonder if he is just a male version of me and can't get it right even if he really tries?

I had awful acne as a teen and am still getting spots now at 44 even though I take great care with my skincare, see dermatologists. Other women seem to glide though life, cool calm and collected never a hair out of place, they never seem to sweat or go attend meetings with a large toothpaste stain on their boob that they don't notice until after.

Even with items I remember at school it was always me who got the desk someone had drawn a knob on with black marker or got the ripped books! I remember as a girl I used to think of the other girls as "top girls" you know proper girls who looked nice and did ballet and horse riding lessons and then me who had awful allergies and had snot pouring out my nose half the year!

I just wanted to be a feminine and delicate woman for once in my life but now perimenopause his upon me and all my short comings are just getting worse, chin hair anyone?

Is there some secret women learn as young girls about how to achieve this aura of polish? Is there anyone like me who still has no clue?

OP posts:
MaybeOneAndDone · 16/08/2023 10:28

TheMousePipes · 16/08/2023 10:20

Silk pillow case. Game changer for second day curls, I promise.

I will give it a try. There was a company making woolly beanie hats with a satin lining for people with curly hair, and did find this reduced how awful my hair tends to look after wearing a hat in winter. It makes sense that a silk pillow would also help a bit.

SisterhoodWhatever · 16/08/2023 10:30

My Mother was an actress, model and dancer though not a famous one. She was the epitome of elegance.

Her tips were
Very good underwear, no cheap clothes and no awful materials, little make up or perfume and small amounts of jewellery as you can over egg stuff as she used to say.

She taught us sisters us how to walk and sit correctly, many people just can’t walk well in heels at all she used to say, She used to positively glide. She also gave us dance lessons in ballet and tap. It helps with posture which is actually very important.

She was of her time and being over weight was just totally unacceptable in her eyes.

She was very feminine but also an adventurer and lived overseas for a time. Could shoot, rode motorbikes and sailed. She could find some joy in most things she was very much a glass not just half full but overflowing. She was an excellent conversationalist and had a nice speaking voice with an extensive vocabulary.

Of course her dark side was she was incredibly manipulative with men. She would tire of them too easily. She really was an old school femme fatale, I had a very non standard childhood.

Battyfumworts · 16/08/2023 10:30

I am this, my shoes ruin my feet and I end up rushing to the chemist for plasters (only when im doing something I’ve looked forward to), I get pooed on by birds, bitten by animals, fall over (not generally clumsy), my husband jokes that in a walking disaster.

Things I have noticed, if I’m away and showering in soft water my hair and skin are amazing, soft and glowing, a bit of lippy and mascara are all I need, obviously the clothes thing is still the same but at least my face feels good. Within days of getting home skin like sandpaper and I look like a scarecrow, and I look massive matter how small I am, and now menopause means I have no waist, huge saggy boobs and a saggy bum.

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Ginmonkeyagain · 16/08/2023 10:33

@AInightingale That preference can easily be turned in to something smart:

Plain T shirt - try and get one with a better cut - many women look terrible in classic mens crew neck t shirts - ones with a cople of shoulder tucka, a boat neck or more draped style work better.

Trousers - Tailored wide leg trousers in heavy cotton or wool mix look good and are comfy.

Boots - again plenty of smart flat or low heeled boots. Clarks do good ones.

Baggy Jumper - A classic V or crew neck jumper in lambs wool or a cotton/cashmere mix can look great over a shirt.

Hufflepods · 16/08/2023 10:33

stbrandonsboat · 16/08/2023 09:35

I think the people saying it is possible to look nice are missing the three things that put a spanner in the works, time, money and temperature. Don't underestimate the power of cheap fabrics combined with overheating to wreck appearance. Plus it takes ages to keep doing hair, makeup, ironing clothes etc.

It is beyond possible to look polished on a limited budget, but of course it takes time and effort. But if its something you want don't moan about it then when all it takes is time and effort. If you don't value looking put together then that is different but complaining that it isn't possible because it "takes ages" is just a useless comment.

Topseyt123 · 16/08/2023 10:36

WandaWonder · 16/08/2023 01:06

I do the basics to keep clean and that is all I care about, no I do not get this need to be 'feminine' there is so much more to life than how I look or confirming to something just because I happen to be female

Same here. I just learned not to care one jot many years ago and I still don't.

I'm clean and showered every day, but that's it. No ironing ever, and I just can't be arsed with make-up. Life's too short to worry about all that crap. People take me as they find me.

willWillSmithsmith · 16/08/2023 10:39

ChoccyBickies · 16/08/2023 09:16

@willWillSmithsmith I don't understand your post about leaving the house etc and it all falling apart.

If you hair looked a mess so soon, what was going wrong? A style that was high maintenance? Too long to hold its shape? No hair brush in your bag?

Make up that looked a mess? No powder applied over foundation? No lipstick to touch it up?

You see, all these things are fiaxable.

If I'm going out for a day, I apply powder over my foundation (very light, very fine powder) but won't bother on other days.

I get my hair cut before it starts to look too 'tatty'.

It all takes effort but once you get the hang of it, it becomes second nature.

Well golly gosh so many questions.

I have a lot of hair but it’s very fine and very straight therefore styles are a nightmare to keep in place.

My eyes water easily so eye make-up has a habit of sliding about and finding itself gathering in my tear ducts.

Foundation and powder just didn’t seem to want to stay on my face and it wasn’t long before my freckles and any blemishes were rising to the surface.

But thank you for your invaluable advise and I will ensure I have a hairbrush, lipstick and a hairdressers appointment.

Although now I’m in my 60s I don’t wear foundation as it finds all the crevices and if I do wear make up it’s a bit of lip gloss and mascara.

Utereusbegone · 16/08/2023 10:39

SmoothSeasDoNotMakeGoodSailors · 16/08/2023 01:03

Yep, I feel you OP. I took ages at the weekend getting ready for an event - photos of me just look like a sack of spuds with a weird face and frizzy hair. I looked fine in the mirror - so I thought!

This was me at my wedding, where I had a dress that pulled me in in all the right places and a professional did my hair and makeup 😩

Utereusbegone · 16/08/2023 10:40

Draconis · 16/08/2023 01:14

It's impossible to look lick a sack of spuds if your slim. Are you sure it's not just your perception of yourself?

It really is possible

TheBeesKnee · 16/08/2023 10:40

BoJo looks disheveled on purpose ! There's literally footage of him messing up his hair before going outside.

I wonder how many people with frizzy hair have naturally curly hair?

TortillaChipAddict · 16/08/2023 10:41

Yes! This is me too. Then I got diagnosed with autism a short while ago and suddenly it all makes sense. For me anyway! Not saying that is the universal cause

Remembermynamealways · 16/08/2023 10:41

Isitautumnyet23 · 16/08/2023 10:24

Love this 👏🏻

Seconded 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻

HaveYouHeardOfARoadAtlas · 16/08/2023 10:43

TheBeesKnee · 16/08/2023 10:40

BoJo looks disheveled on purpose ! There's literally footage of him messing up his hair before going outside.

I wonder how many people with frizzy hair have naturally curly hair?

I think I have curly hair, my hairdresser can dry it curly. I can’t. I have 50x products as I am sucked in by all I see on tiktok and have tried all sorts of methods, curly girl, etc and it doesn’t work. So even with John frieda or olaplex I look a frizzy mess.

ManchesterLu · 16/08/2023 10:45

This is me. Never mastered doing my hair, my makeup never looks as good as other people's no matter what I try, my clothes never fit me perfectly no matter what size I get.

Notellinganyone · 16/08/2023 10:46

I think some of it is luck; genetics and confidence. I’m very low maintenance- 56 never died my hair and overweight but I have good skin, not many grey hairs and my hair is still thick and shiny. I now do wear light foundation/ tinted moisturiser- which I didn’t in my 40s - and can look pretty good still.

HaveYouHeardOfARoadAtlas · 16/08/2023 10:46

This is my hair today after straightening it. I put John frieda smoothing stuff on as well. No idea how to improve it. It looks like straw. I use keratin shampoo and conditioner.

bollytrolly · 16/08/2023 10:48

Spanielsarepainless · 16/08/2023 07:38

Chin hair! Not present at bedtime but a half an inch long, black bristle by breakfast time.

Yep, what is it all about? I am constantly looking for it and feeling for it and it is never there and then boom 3 or 4 long dark strands that have been hiding from me, like wtf?

OP posts:
Hufflepods · 16/08/2023 10:48

HaveYouHeardOfARoadAtlas · 16/08/2023 10:46

This is my hair today after straightening it. I put John frieda smoothing stuff on as well. No idea how to improve it. It looks like straw. I use keratin shampoo and conditioner.

It honestly just looks like it needs a brush, you can see that it is all misshapen and messy rather than being freshly brushed.
Many people need to brush their hair multiple times a day, a good proper brush morning and night and a small brush in your bag for after being out in the weather.
Everyone has different hair types, some hair texture is fine.

ChinHairDontCare · 16/08/2023 10:49

@bollytrolly I had only read your first post and thought 'I wonder if she has dyspraxia' and then scolded myself for seeing neurodivergence everywhere. But I think that could contribute. There is a huge amount of executive function and co-ordination and planning in looking immaculate. And if you have dyspraxia you're just more likely to have the stain on your clothes, etc. The running hot thing I don't know, but you can look groomed without make up and maybe you'd do better without if it just ends up sliding off. If hair ends up frizzy you should explore if you're actually a curly girl! My messy curls look better than frizzy attempts at straightest hair. If it's really something you want to tackle then I reckon figuring out your simple groomed uniform and having a formula you can rinse and repeat will help a lot.

MaybeOneAndDone · 16/08/2023 10:49

TheBeesKnee · 16/08/2023 10:40

BoJo looks disheveled on purpose ! There's literally footage of him messing up his hair before going outside.

I wonder how many people with frizzy hair have naturally curly hair?

Most naturally curly hair frizzes and you only get silky smooth curls if you use a lot of product after washing, and let it dry naturally. However, that silky curl look only lasts a day. You can't wash your hair every day (and have the silky curl look daily) because curly hair is prone to becoming like straw with too many washes.

It really gets on my nerves when people think the solution to frizzy hair is embracing your curls. The truth is, if you let it dry naturally, by day two it will look like a frizzy mess. You're then basically stuck looking like a mess until the next wash (2-3 days for me if I don't want my hair to become extremely dry).

amlie8 · 16/08/2023 10:49

I have been this woman, and still am in many ways.

Dri-Clor anti-perspirant works for me.

It is stonkingly expensive, but the Dyson Airwrap is the only way I can look reasonably groomed. Otherwise my hair is pure frizz. I can't do up-dos because my hair literally sticks out in tufts.

I either iron my clothes, or opt for tops that don't need ironing.

I am always red and shiny, and also have an ugly eye condition and there's not a lot that can be done there.

OP, just know that you're not the only one! Hope this thread has helped.

Hufflepods · 16/08/2023 10:51

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 16/08/2023 09:44

I used to be like this, stressed and constantly feeling shit about my appearance and then I learned the real secret… stop giving a fuck. I feel sorry for anyone that still stresses and worries about appearances. How I look is no reflection on who I am and if anyone else gives enough of a shit about it I definitely don’t want to be around them, shallow people that focus on only looks don’t have much brains.

This is the most patronising and pathetic comment of the lot!

Someone making an effort with their looks by no means they have no brains.

You have a very narrow and depressing outlook.

HaveYouHeardOfARoadAtlas · 16/08/2023 10:52

Hufflepods · 16/08/2023 10:48

It honestly just looks like it needs a brush, you can see that it is all misshapen and messy rather than being freshly brushed.
Many people need to brush their hair multiple times a day, a good proper brush morning and night and a small brush in your bag for after being out in the weather.
Everyone has different hair types, some hair texture is fine.

Maybe it does, I did brush it this morning but have been dog walking since then. Maybe I need to brush it several times a day.

Hufflepods · 16/08/2023 10:58

HaveYouHeardOfARoadAtlas · 16/08/2023 10:52

Maybe it does, I did brush it this morning but have been dog walking since then. Maybe I need to brush it several times a day.

If you've been out walking you definitely need to brush it when you go back inside.
Well, obviously you don't 'definitely need to' but if you're after sleeker, tidier hair it is really the most important thing you can do.

Based on that photo a lot of what you view as frizz just looks like messy fly aways!

PRlNCESS · 16/08/2023 10:59

God, me too despite my username I look like an ogre.

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