Did/do you look for a man to 'protect' you as a significant aspect of a relationship?

[Echobelly]

Asking this as 'menosphere' social media types seem really obsessed with this idea that all women are looking for a man who will 'protect' them. Which never even occurred to me and I can't imagine has been a factor for any woman I know.

I wonder if to some extent it is more an American cultural thing, but even there it's probably bollocks and it's a projection of insecure men trying to find some reason women 'need' them? Like 'I'm stronger, so only I can protect her!', although that's messed up because it would mostly mean... protecting her from other men. And of course, the greatest danger to women is probably intimate male partners in the first place.

I can imagine a situation, perhaps where a woman has been hurt by a man she should have trusted as a child, where she may consciously look for a man she feels protects her when that man in her earlier life didn't, but I don't think women are even thinking about how much a guy can 'protect' her when looking for a life partner.

I think sometimes we call the same behaviour “protective” when a man does it and “nurturing” when a woman does it. Really we just want an equal partner who cares for us and looks after us (as we do them). For example I’ve just had a c section and my lovely husband is doing my blood thinning injections for me and helping me get my terrible stockings on at bedtime and scolding me when I try and do too much around the house. To me that’s the important stuff, not his ability to beat up a hypothetical mugger

Most of my friends are gay so it’s another woman they want around, not a man. So in that sense not relevant to this thread.

My goodness, you are absolutely right. We’d better rethink feminism, ladies, because it just isn’t compatible with the reality of everyday life in the stone age.

I have seen bro types online comparing a woman cooking all the meals, doing all the domestic stuff with the possibility that he might have to go downstairs if someone breaks in, so that's a fair trade-off. 🙄

@MagentaMoon why is that a surprise to you? It’s extremely common.

I find that crazy. Scared of what?

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Well, there are some very strange people in the world. How sad if some women tolerate such nonsense. Although I suspect that in fact many men posting things like that are incels, and will remain so!

I honestly think if I did a survey of all the women I knew nobody would be scared of being alone in their own home, no I do not think this is common whatsoever.

How do you think all the women who live on their own operate in their lives? I think this is less about protection and more about paranoia.

Neither did I, it’s actually very sad and depressing that so many women are so scared of what I see as just every day things, it must be really awful to live your life like that.

I suppose it explains why some women are so afraid of being single.

I don't think it's about being scared to be alone and do stuff, just that it's nice to have someone there to do those things from time to time and take some of the load.

Bears

But people were saying they are scared to go out alone or travel alone or even be in their own homes alone and that this is "extremely common". That's what many of us find bizarre.

I've lived alone most of the time since I was a teenager, except for nearly a decade of marriage. I'm now a lone parent. I find the idea it would be "normal" for me to be constantly terrified when in my own house really bizarre. What are people scared of?

No.

You'd have to find ways to cope if you were single!

I wish a man had come to protect me from
eating an entire bag of malteasers, but nobody came to save me 😆

And therefore stay in shite relationships, really damn depressing isn’t it 🙁

I also don't personally get worried about walking on my own in the dark, being home alone etc but then I have been pretty fortunate and had many fewer scary experiences than a lot of women and nothing negative or frightening from men close to me. But I can see how the contrary would likely leave a woman feeling very vulnerable.

Well, I grew up in a very scary place and an abusive home.

Still not scared to be in my own house alone. The whole point is that it is your comfort zone. Are there seriously people who can never relax without someone else present to "protect them" even in their own house? The solution to that is trauma therapy, not clinging to a man. What an unhealthy basis for a relationship.

I wish a man had come to protect me from eating an entire bag of malteasers, but nobody came to save me 😆

If they can protect me from children demanding snacks then I might reconsider their usefulness.

I wouldn't say I set out for a protector but I'm a attractive to big men. Men are the protectors in the family and that's how it should be. I was a single mum to 3 kids for 10 years before I met my husband and natural mothers protect. It was nice for someone to take over that role when I met my husband. He makes sure that we are all safe, he provides and would die for us all. I've no fear about being home alone at night but I wouldn't walk anywhere in the dark as it's not safe for women to do that. I think those saying no they don't need protection are just bitter or never expedited being nurtured as children. There's something wholesome about your husband making you feel safe.

just thinking about all the binfire relationships where the man is selfish, out for himself and has zero regard for the emotional and physical well-being of his wife and kids. How much of this behaviour was entertained in the dating stage because sentiments of ‘I can look after myself!‘ you shouldn’t rely on a man for anything!’

I think you've got this the wrong way around tbh. The kind of unreconstructed chauvinist who considers himself his woman's protector is probably often exactly the type to think he's above doing his bit at home and looking after the kids. My husband respects me and treats me like the equal I am. He's not my protector.

I looked for a protective man and been married around 25 years now. He has always done a lot round the house and with the kids. He would do things like come to all my cancer appointments with me, apart from when not allowed due to covid rules when he would wait as close as he could, and make all the meals, do all the shopping during my treatment. Its interesting how many relationships break in cancer treatment but ours got stronger and often the ones with protective husbands stay together, the others split. And today he told me he had bought me a Portuguese tart yesterday but then he found my son had eaten it so he went to the shop to buy me another one and another one for our son.

Actually it was one of the things I looked for. I wanted someone manly, gentle, kind, protective. Loads of other traits aswell. But yes this was one of them. I can't understand the scorn from some posters.

I wouldn't walk anywhere in the dark as it's not safe for women to do that.

Do you live in an incredibly high crime area (in which case its probably not safe for men to do that either)? Do you not leave the house between 9am and 4pm in winter?

I've walked alone after dark in scummy parts of London, in the middle of the Welsh countryside, in Greece, in China, in Russia, in South Africa (short distances only because that was in a safari park and I could hear both lions and hyenas nearby)...

It's dark by 4pm in December. Do you not go out after 4pm?