Did/do you look for a man to 'protect' you as a significant aspect of a relationship?

[Echobelly]

Asking this as 'menosphere' social media types seem really obsessed with this idea that all women are looking for a man who will 'protect' them. Which never even occurred to me and I can't imagine has been a factor for any woman I know.

I wonder if to some extent it is more an American cultural thing, but even there it's probably bollocks and it's a projection of insecure men trying to find some reason women 'need' them? Like 'I'm stronger, so only I can protect her!', although that's messed up because it would mostly mean... protecting her from other men. And of course, the greatest danger to women is probably intimate male partners in the first place.

I can imagine a situation, perhaps where a woman has been hurt by a man she should have trusted as a child, where she may consciously look for a man she feels protects her when that man in her earlier life didn't, but I don't think women are even thinking about how much a guy can 'protect' her when looking for a life partner.

If those men are talking about physical protection my take is that they know in reality it’s very rare if ever, that they will be in a situation where they actually need to physically fight another person to “protect” a woman.

Let’s face it most women at risk, need protecting from men they actually know and live with!

So they’re making a big deal out of something they know will most likely not come to pass….ever! And it also gives them an excuse to be in the gym 24/7 shirking their other duties while claiming it’s about “protecting” 🙄

The manospphere is full of very insecure calculating misogynists who try their best to exploit women and take everything from them without giving anything in return.

I'm still unclear

if armed robbers break into your home, there's not really a lot anyone can do to help and their physical strength, or lack of it, is unlikely to make a difference.

What are they protecting me from?

Realistically there's only a small chance I will get attacked by a stranger, theres an even smaller chance that my husband will be able to fend off an attacker that I can't, the attacker won't have thought to bring a weapon, and that he will be present at the time of my attack. And that when I do get attacked with my husband present that him being a bit more burley would be the difference between me being attacked or not.

The most likely person to be my attacker is probably my husband. And I would say a man who feels that I need protecting is probably more likely to attack me.

My husband is caring and intelligent. I think he will be able to protect in a lot of situations. But I don't have any desire for him to be physically stronger or my protector.

To those replying that they can protect themselves, how many of you frequently walk alone in the streets at night? I'm guessing not too many, unless you live in a very nice safe area. Obviously we don't expect for our men to get into fights to defend us, but we're far far less likely to be targeted in the first place if we have a big strong man with us.

As modern women the temptation is there to say I don't need protecting. But I do feel safe when I'm with my DP in a way I don't when I'm alone. Like walking anywhere in the dark, or sleeping at home at night. But that's probably just because he's a man and I'm a woman, rather than he's particularly protective. I do think he'd be first downstairs with a golf club or baseball bat if we had anyone break in though, whether that's smart or not.

I've been single for four years so yes I walk alone at night.

If I lived in an area that was that dangerous I'd probably look for a way to move out rather than for a man to protect me so I can continue to walk about at night. Where are you walking with him anyway? Would he escort you to the corner shop every time? Walking the dog? Just a stroll around the mean streets? Who are these guys who drop their lives every time you want to walk at night?

I don’t need protecting. Which is a good thing because I most definitely don’t have a protector. What a ridiculous concept.

Yes and no.

Not protect me as such, but willing and able to protect the both of us, alongside me. I've lived in some rough areas, and had a couple of wet lettuce boyfriends who left me to deal with any aggro. Not talking champing at the bit to get in a fight, but able to stand up to arseholes when necessary.

I would exchange the odd chance that I will get attacked and having a more burley man would save me for being treated as an equal every day of my life

I also think that men who are 'protective' are actually aggressive and easily triggered. They will jump to fight someone quickly and can sometimes be more of a risk in a situation where you are under threat.

In my job I deal with a lot of men who've been in fights or assaulted. Many of them are pretty muscley. It's very rare that your average Joe comes in. Most of the time fights happen because 2 people escalate it into a fight. And if its a targeted armed attack my husband won't be able to help

Of course ability to protect is hard wired into preference or why would men be on average physical stronger and why would women find that attractive? The preference isn't terribly strong as there is plenty of overlap with women (relative to some ape species) and weaker males exist aplenty (sorry DS 👀). As other PPs note, this protectiveness gets over interpreted by some sections of the internet to mean creepy control freakery. I also see a lot of kick back against 'millennial man' or whatever that is known as today. The men in touch with feelings etc. Sad really that the alpha males can't see the benefits and view the very idea of 'toxic masculinity' as threatening 🤷‍♂️

@TiffanyLilly - I think historically there has been a precedent, or at least a male-dominated enough perspective to make this a thing in literature and film, but I think it's outdated.

Regarding safety at night, I can't say I feel any safer for being with a male partner/friend out late as opposed to a female one. TBH, as long as you're not alone, you're less likely to have someone try anything with you, that would most likely be robbery, and if they did they might be armed which, so unless the you or the person you're with (male or female) is confident and well trained in self defence, it wouldn't avail you much anyway and you'd be best off just giving them your damn phone and wallet.

NB, I have walked alone at night often in London having lived here all my ,life - I'd avoid doing that in unfamiliar areas where I couldn't walk confidently, or off main thoroughfares that aren't overlooked, and that always seemed more important for my safety than being with a bloke.

Does money count as protection? Lots of women want a man with a good income.

Yes, it’s one of the most attractive qualities in a man.
I agree with pp, that it’s more than fighting off a mugger or whatever.
It is standing up or beside me.
Being reluable, true to his word etc.
I love the stong and silent type 🥰
A decent man.

Too bad there aren’t many of these out there.

No. I am a competent adult - why would I need to be "protected"?

I fancy my DH partly because he is bigger and stronger than me. But I love him because he is clever, fun and moral. I think there is a kernel of truth in the 'protector' shtick.

Can you see this as a patriarchal myth that it is?

What do women need protection from? Men.

Who is mostly likely to harm a woman?
Her partner.

No, I’m not a child p. I’d run a mile from a man who thought I needed protection, I find that kind of paternalistic attitude deeply unattractive, total anathema.

I wouldn’t call this “protection”. I’d call this “being a committed and supportive partner.” And I’d expect it of - and behave like it myself towards - my female partners as much as my male ones. It also doesn’t appear to be the same definition of protection that the OP was referring to.

Protect me from what? I can adult quite well thanks, I don’t need protecting. DH adds a lot to my life and I love him very much but he doesn’t protect me from anything.

No - I think protection can very often tip over into control. I can look after myself.

@lovewoola - I think 'providing' is seperate from 'protection', although it's another thing the bros go on about.

I think that is perhaps more of a thing women look for, though the bros' mistake is to think most women are looking for a sole provider or an enabler of some kind of luxury lifestyle rather than a stable co-provider. I'll admit no, I could not have gone for a guy who was just happy bumbling along in low-paid work, as I always wanted kids and we'd both need to be earning reasonably. Although another mistake the bros make is assuming every woman is looking for a man earning ££££ in that respect and not just stability and some parity.

DH was earning almost nothing when I met him, and then went on to study again for 18 months but I could see he was driven, intelligent and had ambition so would be earn decently (as it is, he's proven not very stable earning wise, but he earns enough when he is earning that it's not an issue - freelance software consultancy, not crime, don't worry 😅!)

FGS no, absolutely not. It’s 2023, and I am a completely functioning adult human who is perfectly capable of supporting and protecting myself.

I don't need protection, but I definitely wanted a man with some mental strength and fortitude. Nothing gives me the 'ick' more than a pampered manchild who needs everything doing for him.

No way. I'd been through utter hell and back (think trauma and childhood abuse) and rebuilt my life with therapy 100% myself. THEN I just enjoyed happily being single, free and independent and only after I'd done that for about a year did I go on to meet dh. I fell in love with him for who he was / is, it never occurred to me to seek out a 'protector' that's not what I'm about at all and I will raise my children to hopefully be the same.

My husband is very protective of me and our DC.

The cars we drive have the best safety rating. He's a car seat safety nut.

Same with home security. We are in an area with lots of burglaries.

He is also bigger and stronger than me. I am no delicate flower and I lift weights but it's much easier for him to lug a massive suitcase or heavy box without risk of injury.

I can look after myself, I suppose- but it's nice to share a home with someone who is very protective of our well-being and safety.

I would have once uttered 'I DON'T NEED A MAN TO LOOK AFTER ME' but having a partner who you can truly rely on and know they will keep your safety paramount is a boon. With a boyfriend, I once lived above a HMO and there were lots of comings and goings and anti social behaviour (drugs). People tried to break our door down at 3. The fucker stayed in bed and sent me down to investigate saying that I would be better at diffusing the situation and he would call the police.

My attraction for him died knowing that he would send a 5 foot tall woman down to investigate a group of drug addled men. He didn't give a shit!

I of course didn't go down, we both called the police and barricaded the door to our room - but this was an UN- protective man in action. He was trying to make me go into a dangerous situation.

Absolutely not a man who I could have made myself vulnerable with, and had DC with.