Did/do you look for a man to 'protect' you as a significant aspect of a relationship?

[Echobelly]

Asking this as 'menosphere' social media types seem really obsessed with this idea that all women are looking for a man who will 'protect' them. Which never even occurred to me and I can't imagine has been a factor for any woman I know.

I wonder if to some extent it is more an American cultural thing, but even there it's probably bollocks and it's a projection of insecure men trying to find some reason women 'need' them? Like 'I'm stronger, so only I can protect her!', although that's messed up because it would mostly mean... protecting her from other men. And of course, the greatest danger to women is probably intimate male partners in the first place.

I can imagine a situation, perhaps where a woman has been hurt by a man she should have trusted as a child, where she may consciously look for a man she feels protects her when that man in her earlier life didn't, but I don't think women are even thinking about how much a guy can 'protect' her when looking for a life partner.

Clearly we know different women. As I said, all the women I know who live alone or spend many nights alone find they get nervous sometimes at night. I’m not talking hysterical terror, just a sense of unease and vulnerability.

How do I think they operate in their lives? Like everyone else, they just get on with it. 2 of them have been burgled, one who was home alone with a newborn and 2 toddlers at the time… they still just get on with it. There is no shame in feeling frightened sometimes.

Obviously. Except since I’m disabled I’d have carers here anyway. I have lived alone loads before I was disabled and was perfectly fine (and I definitely don’t want a man to protect me!)

Probably subconsciously yes. I find physical strength, a good physique, bravery and mental strength attractive, which would all help a man protect me.

It would make sense - I'm sure there must be some residual attraction to ability to protect back from the hunter gatherer days where we'd need protecting from lions etc..

And as I said traits needed to make someone able to protect I definitely find attractive and am sure most would.

This is so stupid. These people talking about safe areas and gated communities...

I used to live in a red light district in zone 2 London. I used to get curb crawled walking to the chip shop in trainers and a big coat/wooly hat. Even if I had had a boyfriend/husband at the time, what are the logistics of them escorting me every time I left the house?! This is so much nonsense. No one's husband is walking everywhere with them every time they leave the house when it's dark.

I've never been in a relationship with anyone muscly or brave so it can't be subconscious for me. Am I a medical marvel? 🙄

No. I'm not at risk generally. When I am in a slightly risky situation, like walking home at night for example, he wouldn't be there anyway.

Maybe just more highly evolved so you do not have the "vulnerable, helpless cave woman" gene that the eminent scientists on this thread enlightened us about. 🤣

@BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn @Beezknees I don't really need to go out in the evening but if I did id drive. I don't live in a particularly high crime area but a woman was raped on the cycle track about 50 feet from my house.

But then how would you cross the car park to your destination @bingojuice ? 😧 Terrifying.

I mean. It's dark. It's not safe!!! Women must have a chaperone. The bears have discovered fire, you know.

@MagentaMoon don't be daft I'm talking about walking home late at night from a night out not a trip to coop.

Do you have children? If so who would be looking after them while your husband comes to escort you back from your night out?

If not would you make him wait up and come and get you?

Or can you only go out together for safety reasons?

😂 I like it ;)

Nope, because I'm fiercely independent and my parents didn't go for sexist crap

“I have seen bro types online comparing a woman cooking all the meals, doing all the domestic stuff with the possibility that he might have to go downstairs if someone breaks in, so that's a fair trade-off. 🙄”

Yep, as I said upthread they harp on about physical protection because they know it’s something they are less likely to have to do. so while the women are cooking and cleaning they can head to the gym and drink protein shakes with their gym bros. That aside it’s clear from the variety of responses that this kind of protecting is valued highly by some women. So I guess they need to go for those women.

@Silkierabbit he sounds like a great partner but that should actually be the norm, whether a man calls himself a protector or not. I mean women support men during periods of ill health all the time. Sadly I can think of one or two friends who have the type of male partners who would probably crumble. That’s a cute story about the tart, a”I love pastel de nata , any man who goes out to replace my stash of Portuguese tarts would be a keeper lol

These types of men just want a GF so they have an excuse to pick fist fights with other men.

@WunWun yes I do have kids but there's also 4 other adults in our household so either one of those would pick me up or him.

I often think my upbringing has a lot to do with me feeling the same, it honestly wasn’t until I was much older that I started to realise that other women have had this sexist insanity ingrained in them so much throughout their lives they just internalise it and no doubt pass it on to their kids too.

I think those saying no they don't need protection are just bitter or never expedited being nurtured as children. There's something wholesome about your husband making you feel safe.

Sorry but that's nonsense. I don't need my husband to make me feel safe - because I feel safe anyway! Happy childhood, not bitter, but in a happy marriage, with no fear of walking in the dark or being alone at night in my own home.

I find it very strange that you think it's the people who aren't scared and don't feel the need for a protector who weren't nurtured as children. I'm pretty sure that a psychologist would tell you that people who had secure attachment and nurturing as children are likely to be more confident and less fearful.

I’m finding it really interesting that there are so many people saying women have no reason to be scared walking alone at night. I bet if I went and started a thread saying…

‘women are ridiculous to be frightened of being attacked, the risk is so small so why do women make such a fuss about rape’

… people would be up in arms with statistics and ‘I was X’, ‘my sister was Y’ and accusing me of being a troll and a man.

@AllProperTeaIsTheft I wouldn't say I was fearful. Just sensible. Why put yourself in danger? Too many psychos about. I had a great childhood to but still like that my husband it's protective of me.

😁

😁

It seems that by offering 'protection' these misogynist type men can target more fearful, vulnerable women. It's a tactic isn't it.

You can really see how insecure, incel types wouldn't want fierce, independent brave women who they can't dominate, manipulate, belittle and control.

Just how do incel/Andrew Tate numbnuts square their heads around all the fabulous women who are RNLI volunteers, police officers, fire fighters, inner city school teachers, search and rescue volunteers, service women, war reporters and so on and so on?

@Giantpig I get a bit nervous walking down dark streets on my own at night but I can’t see how that would have any impact on my choice of life partner.

Firstly, two adults are unlikely to be a target in the way a lone woman could be, even if they are both female. Macho qualities not necessary.

Secondly, my husband isn’t attached to my side all the time, especially since having kids, as a night out together involves babysitters. So I have to deal with it / manage risk myself. The alternative is not to go out unless chaperoned!