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Original poster

Did/do you look for a man to 'protect' you as a significant aspect of a relationship?

256 replies

Echobelly · 13/08/2023 18:58

Asking this as 'menosphere' social media types seem really obsessed with this idea that all women are looking for a man who will 'protect' them. Which never even occurred to me and I can't imagine has been a factor for any woman I know.

I wonder if to some extent it is more an American cultural thing, but even there it's probably bollocks and it's a projection of insecure men trying to find some reason women 'need' them? Like 'I'm stronger, so only I can protect her!', although that's messed up because it would mostly mean... protecting her from other men. And of course, the greatest danger to women is probably intimate male partners in the first place.

I can imagine a situation, perhaps where a woman has been hurt by a man she should have trusted as a child, where she may consciously look for a man she feels protects her when that man in her earlier life didn't, but I don't think women are even thinking about how much a guy can 'protect' her when looking for a life partner.

OP posts:
PerfectYear321 · 13/08/2023 23:33

It's actually so, so important. We're long divorced but as the mother of his kids he is still very protective and I appreciate it a lot.

Keyworks · 13/08/2023 23:34

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SallyWD · 13/08/2023 23:35

No absolutely not. It didn't enter my head.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
EldenRing4 · 13/08/2023 23:36

Whydoifeellikeaneel · 13/08/2023 23:30

For context, mu husband's older sisters are trailblazing strong, independent women, trekking across the world, travelling solo, going on adventures that would make good dlreality shows or documentaries. They are all fiercely feminist and fought hard to be the top of their industries in the end. I admire them so much, but am very different. Over time, my husband has realised that not all women have that incredibly independent streak. I think he was surprised that I felt daunted by going to the shop in the dark when his sisters travelled solo to dangerous inner cities to volunteer, for example. My husband is very good in other ways and is starting to understand the average woman's experience more but is very different to my dad.

Show quote history

Women in DH's family are gun-toting farmers who can carry calves. I think he's pretty used to strong women....
Despite that he was still raised to be gentlemanly.
I'm no shrinking violet either, I'm the only woman and the youngest on my team in a male-dominated industry. For a start. I'm also the only driver and earn more than him...

I do think men can be fooled by women saying they have an 'independent streak'. It's tiring to pretend you need nobody. Not a MAN , but, like doing everything 'yourself'. I like being looked after even though I can look after myself well enough 🙂

2ndMrsdeWinter · 13/08/2023 23:41

No. Unless the woman is keeping very dangerous company, I can’t see how this would be a priority. My mil constantly tells my dd that her male cousins are her ‘protectors’ and it makes me want to fucking scream.

DeeCeeCherry · 14/08/2023 00:10

I don't think that's what women actively look for firstly as a priority, is it? I like a man who can be gentle, but can stand up for himself if need be. I'm not attracted to weak. They still have to be attractive to me in some way before all of that though

JamSandle · 14/08/2023 00:15

Yes.

It's important to me to have a partner who protects me and is protective of me.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 14/08/2023 01:41

No but once dated a guy who thought his role was to protect me. He stopped just short of putting on a Batman outfit.

It was smothering.

Needless to say he didn't last long.

TooBigForMyBoots · 14/08/2023 01:50

Most women I know who've sought out a protector as a partner, experienced child abuse or sexual abuse.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 14/08/2023 02:22

When we were together I know my stbxh would have protected us physically, if someone broke in or attacked us or something like that. I believe he would help anyone whose being attacked in the street. Having said both of those though no one who hasn't been in a situation where they needed to be protected physically by their partner can actually say their partner would do this or that. No one knows how they'd be in that situation, you can guess but you can't know.

My stbxh has made me and our DC feel unsafe in our home. He has been emotionally abusive and controlling. Once upon a time I would have known it was impossible for him to be like that, but I was wrong.

greenspaces4peace · 14/08/2023 02:29

genetically yes i wanted a big strong man who was physically well proportioned and coordinated. mind you i was young and my mother told me it was a very important aspect to consider.

ThePitsofDespair · 14/08/2023 02:43

Women need protecting from the men they partner up with, that’s the real statistic.

BrindleAbyssinianGuinea2 · 14/08/2023 02:49

The idea of relying on a man for protection scares me. I don't want to be like my mum .

BrindleAbyssinianGuinea2 · 14/08/2023 02:50

ThePitsofDespair · 14/08/2023 02:43

Women need protecting from the men they partner up with, that’s the real statistic.

Yes. And regarding daddy issues, they often need protecting from their father s/stepfathers too. Statistically speaking.

Morewineplease10 · 14/08/2023 04:03

Yes, I think so. But I've felt protective of my (male) partners in the past too.

Ie, if someone was very mean or rude to them.

If they were ill/very tired etc.

I've been travelling with a bf, now stbxh, who gave zero fucks when I was getting sexually harassed in front of him abroad. Who did nothing/didn't see it as an issue when I was being bullied at work

So yes, I'd want someone who was 'protective'. It's not that I can't look after myself but surely you want someone to feel those things for you?

MCOut · 14/08/2023 04:17

I definitely feel that partners should be protective of each other, so in that sense yes.

No one can be 100% self-sufficient all the time, so at a certain point in a relationship partners should be willing to carry reasonable financial and mental burdens in the short term to support each other. You should also be able to count on your partner in a crisis. You should also be able to count on your long term partner to be loyal, I’ve been in a situation with an awful in law and I wouldn’t wish a disloyal partner on anyone.

MagentaMoon · 14/08/2023 04:53

Turtlegurl888 · 13/08/2023 20:13

As modern women the temptation is there to say I don't need protecting. But I do feel safe when I'm with my DP in a way I don't when I'm alone. Like walking anywhere in the dark, or sleeping at home at night. But that's probably just because he's a man and I'm a woman, rather than he's particularly protective. I do think he'd be first downstairs with a golf club or baseball bat if we had anyone break in though, whether that's smart or not.

You don't feel safe in your own home alone at night?!

Oatycookies · 14/08/2023 05:08

@Morewineplease10 “I've been travelling with a bf, now stbxh, who gave zero fucks when I was getting sexually harassed in front of him abroad. Who did nothing/didn't see it as an issue when I was being bullied at work”

Can I ask what made you go onto marry him even though he displayed this kind of behaviour as a boyfriend while travelling? Or was it not so important for you back then? Im just curious as if I experienced this I’d immediately thank a bf for showing me he’s not marriage material and ditch him.

MagentaMoon · 14/08/2023 05:19

inky1991 · 13/08/2023 22:48

Christ this thread is depressing.

That's what I thought!

AuntieMarys · 14/08/2023 06:07

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🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

WandaWonder · 14/08/2023 06:15

Am I the only one thinking they are in the Twlight Yone reading this thread? I am amazed some women go out without a chaperone

AlmostTotallyFake · 14/08/2023 06:15

Protection from what?
I am taller than the average man and twice as wide😆I also grew up on a farm so I am, according to my son 'unnaturally strong' for a woman!
Unless a man has a weapon I rate my chances in a physical altercation, if there was a weapon involved my husband wouldn't stand a better chance than me anyway.
So no, it never crossed my mind that I needed a man for protection.

WandaWonder · 14/08/2023 06:15

WandaWonder · 14/08/2023 06:15

Am I the only one thinking they are in the Twlight Yone reading this thread? I am amazed some women go out without a chaperone

Zone

Newnamehiwhodis · 14/08/2023 06:17

I used to, then I realized how often I was protecting the “protector,” and basically being his Mum,
wised up, had years of therapy, took up martial arts and learned to protect myself.

Newnamehiwhodis · 14/08/2023 06:18

They search for traumatized women to prey on.
they pretend to be a protector, and then it turns out they are controlling and want power.