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Original poster

Did/do you look for a man to 'protect' you as a significant aspect of a relationship?

256 replies

Echobelly · 13/08/2023 18:58

Asking this as 'menosphere' social media types seem really obsessed with this idea that all women are looking for a man who will 'protect' them. Which never even occurred to me and I can't imagine has been a factor for any woman I know.

I wonder if to some extent it is more an American cultural thing, but even there it's probably bollocks and it's a projection of insecure men trying to find some reason women 'need' them? Like 'I'm stronger, so only I can protect her!', although that's messed up because it would mostly mean... protecting her from other men. And of course, the greatest danger to women is probably intimate male partners in the first place.

I can imagine a situation, perhaps where a woman has been hurt by a man she should have trusted as a child, where she may consciously look for a man she feels protects her when that man in her earlier life didn't, but I don't think women are even thinking about how much a guy can 'protect' her when looking for a life partner.

OP posts:
Changingplace · 13/08/2023 22:56

fullbloom87 · 13/08/2023 22:40

You're wrong. Your husbands intelligence is great but if he's not willing to protect you in the event of a dangerous situation then he surely fails in his duties as a loving husband.
It has nothing to do with money whatsoever.
I would expect a man on the street to protect a women in need, just like I would expect a women on the street to protect a child or an elderly person. It's called being a decent human.

Show quote history

Why do you assume the woman is more likely to be in need of saving? Helping anyone in need is just what any good human being should do, it doesn’t have to be segregated by sex.

fullbloom87 · 13/08/2023 22:57

@CockneySignora

It's not different at all.

fullbloom87 · 13/08/2023 22:58

@Changingplace

When have I said that women can't protect men?
I'm glad we both agree that protecting someone is human decency.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
CarPour · 13/08/2023 23:00

Plus when we are talking about men on reddit or whatever talking about how women want a protector they aren't talking about a man who emotionally has your back.

My husband is intelligent, he's caring. He's always the type of man to offer help, he's kind to animals, he works hard and is my best friend

He probably wouldn't be great in a physical fight. But I will need that so rarely. Whilst I do need someone who makes me laugh, who is emotionally intelligent. Who is my equal and works through life together. What I need in a man is someone who enhances the day to day, not is able to fend off a fantasy attacker

Bluejaybean · 13/08/2023 23:01

After I gave birth, my partner told me that he felt really protective of me after witnessing what I'd gone through and it really moved me and has stuck with me.

So I think it's something that until then, I never thought about but since then I've felt it's really important.

WandaWonder · 13/08/2023 23:03

Protect? I am not a delicate vase no wonder women have so many issues with this thinking if true

Lavender14 · 13/08/2023 23:04

I mean, I expect a partner to bring a certain level of security and stability to my life and I would hope that I equally bring that to theirs in the same way having a teammate and partner brings security and stability over doing things alone. But I don't expect to be 'protected' because I can keep myself safe?

I do feel safer at night when dh is at home rather than working away but I think that's because I'm used to there being someone else in the house- it's not a thought I had when I lived alone.

fullbloom87 · 13/08/2023 23:04

@CarPour

Again you're misunderstanding things.
My husband is everything you mention your husband is, loves animals, cares for his grandparents, is charitable and decent etc
He's not a tall man, doesn't have any muscles and would struggle to fight off a bigger guy but if he had to, he would. The fact he feels responsible for others is an attractive quality for me.
And yes we have been in a dangerous situation many years ago and he did protect our children and I, so I'm glad I picked someone who would defend us with his life, or we wouldn't be here.

CarPour · 13/08/2023 23:04

fullbloom87 · 13/08/2023 22:54

@CarPour

you're equating protective man as some macho man who thinks he's tough, but that's not what is meant by wanting a protector.
Wanting a protector means you want someone who is loyal and considerate and would look out for you, and if necessary protect you in the event of danger.
Surely these are qualities you'd want in someone whether it be in a romantic relationship or even a friendship.

That's exactly what these men mean though

They absolutely don't mean a loyal considerate man. They mean a physically stronger man protecting 'his woman'

Changingplace · 13/08/2023 23:06

fullbloom87 · 13/08/2023 22:58

@Changingplace

When have I said that women can't protect men?
I'm glad we both agree that protecting someone is human decency.

You literally listed different categories of people into the order that you thought they should protect each other…

I would expect a man on the street to protect a women in need, just like I would expect a women on the street to protect a child or an elderly person. It's called being a decent human

CarPour · 13/08/2023 23:07

fullbloom87 · 13/08/2023 23:04

@CarPour

Again you're misunderstanding things.
My husband is everything you mention your husband is, loves animals, cares for his grandparents, is charitable and decent etc
He's not a tall man, doesn't have any muscles and would struggle to fight off a bigger guy but if he had to, he would. The fact he feels responsible for others is an attractive quality for me.
And yes we have been in a dangerous situation many years ago and he did protect our children and I, so I'm glad I picked someone who would defend us with his life, or we wouldn't be here.

I'm not misunderstanding things. Your husband is exactly the type of man who is maligned by men on reddit etc

Beezknees · 13/08/2023 23:07

God, no. I've survived a childhood with a father who took drugs, having a baby when I was 18 with an abusive man, living in a hostel for 6 months with a toddler, lone parenting for 15 years, being piss poor and having to live on £20 a week for food and toiletries. I don't need a protector, I need an equal.

CockneySignora · 13/08/2023 23:10

fullbloom87 · 13/08/2023 22:57

@CockneySignora

It's not different at all.

Yet the thread has continually focused on male physical strength. You yourself talked about being ‘pinned down’ by an intruder and asked if women would be ok with their male partners running out the door.

Pancakebatter · 13/08/2023 23:11

LoobyDop · 13/08/2023 20:32

No, I’m not a child p. I’d run a mile from a man who thought I needed protection, I find that kind of paternalistic attitude deeply unattractive, total anathema.

I once had a bf who was two years younger than me who asked me if I wanted him to speak to someone in authority for me over a problem I was having. I just looked at him in total incomprehension. Just why? The assumption was that he was somehow superior to me or would be listened to because he was a man. Put me right off him.

WhosAfraidOfVirginalWolves · 13/08/2023 23:12

The muscled up Andrew Tate wannabes you find spouting this stuff on Reddit and the like are, I'd wager, more a potential danger then they are protectors.

Obviously, partners should look out for each other. If you were ever in a dangerous situation, you'd hope that your partner would do anything they could to help, but I can't say that "could he protect me?" has ever been at the forefront of my mind when dating.

Beezknees · 13/08/2023 23:14

Oh and I would not physically protect my partner if it meant putting myself in danger either. My DS needs me around as I'm the only parent he's got, that's more important to me!

JMSA · 13/08/2023 23:14

I'm a single mum and can protect myself and my children. However IF I were to have a partner, I find the strong type attractive.
The strong, silent type? Even better Grin

fullbloom87 · 13/08/2023 23:14

@CarPour

My husband isn't a 'tough' guy at all. But he cares for the women in his life, his 3 daughters, all his aunties. He was there when his grandmother was dying and needed help, he looks after our daughter who's disabled and his mother who is also unwell.
He sees it as his duty to look after others so naturally he did when we needed him. It's how his father is as well, and he's only 5ft 4. There not exactly Tyson fury but you don't need muscles to look out for others.

CarPour · 13/08/2023 23:16

Also I'm pretty good in a crisis situation. I like to think if it were a life or death situation me and Dh would work together to keep our family safe

But I don't need him to take control or risk his life for me particularly. I don't need him to protect me in that scenario, I need him to work with me.

Dc is a slightly different matter as it is our job to protect them.

fullbloom87 · 13/08/2023 23:17

@CockneySignora

It's a genuine scenario that has happened to lots of women. We don't all live in little gated safe posh communities

truthhurts23 · 13/08/2023 23:18

I find it attractive when a man defends his woman, I find it attractive when a man protects his family

Beezknees · 13/08/2023 23:19

fullbloom87 · 13/08/2023 23:17

@CockneySignora

It's a genuine scenario that has happened to lots of women. We don't all live in little gated safe posh communities

I live in a council flat and it's still not that common. Certainly never happened to me.

CarPour · 13/08/2023 23:24

fullbloom87 · 13/08/2023 23:14

@CarPour

My husband isn't a 'tough' guy at all. But he cares for the women in his life, his 3 daughters, all his aunties. He was there when his grandmother was dying and needed help, he looks after our daughter who's disabled and his mother who is also unwell.
He sees it as his duty to look after others so naturally he did when we needed him. It's how his father is as well, and he's only 5ft 4. There not exactly Tyson fury but you don't need muscles to look out for others.

With all due respect the OP didn't state is fullblooms husband your ideal bloke

The OP is about men on forums etc who talk about women wanting a protector. These men very much mean a woman needing physical protection, and very much see women as inferior to men. No that is not the traits that a lot of women want in a man

I'm sure your husband is just as protective of the men in his life, and I'm sure he sees you as an equal.

Whydoifeellikeaneel · 13/08/2023 23:30

EldenRing4 · 13/08/2023 22:30

Seriously?
I'm sure your H has other good traits. But I wouldn't be able to put up with that.
Neither my father nor my husband would expect me to lift heavy things , go to unsafe areas in the dark, DH would never go to bed without me home safe.

He also comes running to check if everything is OK if he hears a crash/bang/me swearing loudly.

Of course nobody is perfect... my H is a terrible cook and never plans/organises any outings. But I can live with that 😎

Show quote history

For context, mu husband's older sisters are trailblazing strong, independent women, trekking across the world, travelling solo, going on adventures that would make good dlreality shows or documentaries. They are all fiercely feminist and fought hard to be the top of their industries in the end. I admire them so much, but am very different. Over time, my husband has realised that not all women have that incredibly independent streak. I think he was surprised that I felt daunted by going to the shop in the dark when his sisters travelled solo to dangerous inner cities to volunteer, for example. My husband is very good in other ways and is starting to understand the average woman's experience more but is very different to my dad.

EbiRaisukaree · 13/08/2023 23:31

Not in the sense of fighting my battles for me, no. I am more than capable of that. But someone who will stand shoulder to shoulder with me, both together, in battles we fight as a couple against the world, yes. Someone who will always have my back, definitely. But not a big strong man at whom I can gaze, frail and adoring, as he flexes his muscles towards any other man who dares look at me.