Did/do you look for a man to 'protect' you as a significant aspect of a relationship?

[Echobelly]

Asking this as 'menosphere' social media types seem really obsessed with this idea that all women are looking for a man who will 'protect' them. Which never even occurred to me and I can't imagine has been a factor for any woman I know.

I wonder if to some extent it is more an American cultural thing, but even there it's probably bollocks and it's a projection of insecure men trying to find some reason women 'need' them? Like 'I'm stronger, so only I can protect her!', although that's messed up because it would mostly mean... protecting her from other men. And of course, the greatest danger to women is probably intimate male partners in the first place.

I can imagine a situation, perhaps where a woman has been hurt by a man she should have trusted as a child, where she may consciously look for a man she feels protects her when that man in her earlier life didn't, but I don't think women are even thinking about how much a guy can 'protect' her when looking for a life partner.

My wife is like this and it doesn’t bother me. We call her the sheep dog when we go out because she rounds us up and checks on us and watches everyone near us.

Stuck in my head now, thanks 🤣. It does basically say it, but it would be very nieve to think some of those things will never happen.

Not protect no, mutual support, be there for each other, be able to trust they'll be there, a real partnership. More all for one and one for all. Protect implies a lack of autonomy and no reciprocity. It brings to mind Cinderella and the like. Even as a child I didn't think that being saved by someone was a good indication of long term compatibility. I think relationships that are started on an uneven distribution of power are rarely health. Stbxh came into my life when things were really bad for me, seemed to good to be true, turned out he was.

Honestly that is not a scenario that particularly plays on my mind when chosing a man. It's pretty low on my priorities.

Yes obviously if I am pinned down I wouldn't want him to run away and abandon me and the kids, but that's the same with anyone in my house. He doesn't need to be particularly protective to not abandoned his kids in that scenario. I think that's more selfishness than lack of protectiveness. And actually might be better to stay upstairs and call the police rather than try and fight the attacker

You're wrong. Your husbands intelligence is great but if he's not willing to protect you in the event of a dangerous situation then he surely fails in his duties as a loving husband.
It has nothing to do with money whatsoever.
I would expect a man on the street to protect a women in need, just like I would expect a women on the street to protect a child or an elderly person. It's called being a decent human.

Snort. Are you living in a dystopian film, or something?

@CarPour so you admit that it's selfish not to protect your wife and children?
So do you agree that it's normal to want someone who is selfless and prepared to protect you.
Or would an absolute selfish wimpy personality trait not be a dealbreaker for you?

I think both parties in a relationship should look out for each other, support each other, be each other's rocks etc. it isn't limited to men.

@CockneySignora

I'm guessing you're either too young to understand or too single and bitter to care.

@Cupcakekiller thank you exactly!

I’m a happily-married 51 year old. Who does not need ‘protection’, economic or physical.

Christ this thread is depressing.

i agree, but that’s a different thing to ‘protection’.

This thread is ridiculous. I think I'll hide it after the next two ridiculous posts. Who WOULDN'T have "has my back" on the requirement list for a partner? 🤔

I don't think the options are protective man or selfish wimp? I think it's selfish to not help anyone out in that situation

Yes I want someone who's caring and kind. But I don't need someone who is protective of me, to me thag implies that I can't make my own risk assessments, that I am something weaker than them. Like a child or a pet.

But OPS question is having a man protect you a significant aspect of the relationship, and I would argue no.

I will have to ask my husband types?

My DH is a good protector in that he's good in a crisis. Calm and focused on taking care of us - the day DD cracked her head open,he was so quick thinking and gentle. Wrapping the cut in a tea towel straight away when i was a bit paralysed in shock, on the phone to emergency services.

He is also a protector in that he cares about me and DD. Wants to help if I'm going through something difficult and offers lots of love and support. I feel safe and secure with him. I hope he feels the same about me. We have each other's backs.

But I think the qualities that make him both a great protector and a very attractive man in my eyes are undervalued by the macho man crowd: puts others first, level headed, caring, kind, secure in himself so doesn't need to put on an act.

I don't think I consciously looked for a protector but I did look for a good character and wouldn't settle for anyone who didn't make me feel safe

Nope

Though if pressed I'd agree that we would 'protect' or whatever relevant each other.

Eg pretty woman when Julia Roberts's character said she would 'rescue him right back'

Aside from the fact that’s very unlikely to happen, and I don’t have kids, I lived on my own for years before I met DH and never came across any situation I wasn’t able to deal with on my own.

And the dog would see away with any intruder anyway 😆

I think that is a basic that anyone would expect in a relationship. I would expect DH to protect me if I was in danger, and I know he would expect the same from me. Its just basic human decency. I'd think less of anyone, male or female who just ran off and left me if I was in danger.

@CarPour

you're equating protective man as some macho man who thinks he's tough, but that's not what is meant by wanting a protector.
Wanting a protector means you want someone who is loyal and considerate and would look out for you, and if necessary protect you in the event of danger.
Surely these are qualities you'd want in someone whether it be in a romantic relationship or even a friendship.

In evolutionary terms, men have always been the protectors of women and children.

Men are physically stronger than women, and any woman who says she doesn't need protecting would instantly change her mind if a man saved her from a rapist late at night along the towpath.

Exactly.

I think I did, but subconsciously. I like a tall stocky man who's authoritative and takes care of things and that's what my husband is like. I was a single mum for years so it was a refreshing change.

Protect me physically? I suppose just the presence of a man might put a mugger off, but like a burglar in my home? I'd feel safer if I wasn't the only one home but I'm not sure many men could do much protecting other than be another person.
It's not really a 'quality' though is it?

Yes, but in a bit different sense. I expect mutual care and being able to stand for each other if necessary. That doesn't mean physically strong or aggressive.

One of us is nervous around dogs, the other around wasps. In both cases, the one less bothered can help to make more space for the other one, intercept, warn... I definitely prefer that over someone who would ignore my uneasiness.

And once I broke up with a guy who was so conflict avoidant, that I didn't trust he would be able to effectively support us if we had a family, like writing an appeal or even asking for the second time, just to not bother anyone.