Did/do you look for a man to 'protect' you as a significant aspect of a relationship?

[Echobelly]

Asking this as 'menosphere' social media types seem really obsessed with this idea that all women are looking for a man who will 'protect' them. Which never even occurred to me and I can't imagine has been a factor for any woman I know.

I wonder if to some extent it is more an American cultural thing, but even there it's probably bollocks and it's a projection of insecure men trying to find some reason women 'need' them? Like 'I'm stronger, so only I can protect her!', although that's messed up because it would mostly mean... protecting her from other men. And of course, the greatest danger to women is probably intimate male partners in the first place.

I can imagine a situation, perhaps where a woman has been hurt by a man she should have trusted as a child, where she may consciously look for a man she feels protects her when that man in her earlier life didn't, but I don't think women are even thinking about how much a guy can 'protect' her when looking for a life partner.

Of course. I think a lot of it is subconscious, hence why many might deny it. Women are (broadly speaking, not in every case) physically weaker, so we are hardwired to prefer a man who seems physically capable of protecting us. That's why signs of physical strength are viewed as attractive.
Also, on a more conscious level, why on earth wouldn't you want a man who you know will always look out for the best interests of your family, speak up for you if they hear you being spoken badly of, and use their masculinity for good? We complain about toxic masculinity, but we don't praise good expressions of masculinity. Using masculinity to dominate and control is twisted. Using it to courageously protect and serve loved ones is a good and beautiful thing.

Absolutely

No. I'm independent. The guys I've cone across with this mindset, I've found controlling.

My dad was always very protective of my mum and I. Not in a physical sense but he always had our backs. If someone annoyed or upset us, it would annoy and upset him too. If we had a problem or dilemma he would spend time and energy trying to think of a solution, and would even ring around friends and acquaintances to see if they could help (depending on the issue). My dad always wants to help fix any problems. My dad would never want us to walk in the dark or to go anywhere dodgy at night.

It came as a shock when my husband didn't step into help fix any problems I had or get annoyed on my behalf. My husband never worries about me walking anywhere in the dark or going through a dangerous area. It just wouldn't occur to him that as a woman, I find some situations threatening. For example, I needed cash for first thing the next morning once, but i remembered at 11pm and the cash machine was in a high street nearby that wasn't very safe at night. I asked him to go for me and he said to go myself.

He also suggests I go for walks during the long winter nights in the most dark, secluded places you can imagine 😄 it sometimes makes me feel that he doesn't care about me, but I never know if that's just because my dad would never have been happy with my mum walking down the High Street at that time, or walking alone by a swamp at 8pm in the dead of winter. My dad sees his role as protecting his family. I like it.

Nope. The father of my ds physical assaulted me. Turfed him out the one and only time he did.

Became a stubborn person with my guard up.

Met now dh and im still the same. Probably too independent and stubborn for my own good lol

@continentallentil oh it’s for another thread probably but just in general ways, it feels that people are less likely to respect your boundaries as a single person than as a unified couple , at times.

Absolutely this. Protect does not need to mean physically fight someone. Just having your back is being protective. I don't know why anybody wouldn't see this as an essential in a potential partner.

Nope, I don’t need protecting, I’m a grown adult, and I find the concept pretty insulting tbh 🙄

I don’t consider myself vulnerable or in need of anyone to protect me, I’m perfectly capable of looking after myself.

I would have thought you would see it as even more of an essential in a partner then.

Yes. We protect and take care of each other and our family unit in various different ways. It works both ways.

I would definitely consider it a red flag if a man saw himself as my "protector". If he thinks in those terms, it seems a very short step to thinking of me as someone who could be bullied... by him.

Your husband is just treating you like an equal, I don’t see what the issue is (although I also never loose my mind over waking anywhere in the dark/on my own etc so it would never occur that DH should do stuff like that for me)

Treating someone as an equal doesn't mean blindly insisting that they are physically and emotional identical to you.

I'd be affronted if my husband had no concern for me walking down a dark alley alone at night.

As a 6"3 man, of course he shouldn't expect me to take on the same physical challenges as him. That wouldn't be equality at all, in fact it would be thoroughly unfair. I have no interest in that kind of "equality".

Yes - a man who makes sure you get home safely, checks you have got home OK, looks out for you at social events say if you're a little worse for wear, stands up for you, someone you feel safe with. Who wouldn't want that?

And yeah, instinctively, a man's broader shoulders, his height, all of that - big turn-on.

I could not go through life with a man who shrugged and treated me as a "mate" and didn't step up or understand the ways in which women are particularly vulnerable. It's an instant, huge turn off when a man (usually a woke bro) starts arguing about how there's no reason for women not to walk alone though a park at night, men are just as much at risk, etc, bla bla bla.

I think a lot of this thread is people talking at cross purposes, but I think there's surely also a bit of denial scattered through it, else (as a PP said) why would romance novels sell so well?

If you don’t find a man who can protect you attractive or see a need for it, then you’re living in a bubble of privileged safety. I’ve lived a life where at times, outside the U.K. I needed to carry a gun and it was a good thing to have good men by my side also carrying and who were willing to protect me and be protected by me. I was usually the better shot, but push comes to shove, a man is better in close quarters. I don’t find cowardice attractive at all.

The U.K. is extremely safe and that is a rare thing- it’s why so many refugees risk their lives to get here despite the real problems we do have with poverty in this country. Even the worst bits of London cannot compare to many many hot spots around the globe. So the cultural thing is really here, the view here that a man who can and is willing to protect is not needed- that is the oddity.

Yes, when i was pregnant with my first child we moved house and he kept asking me to move furniture. I was in the early stages and he just couldn't accept that pregnant women weren't supposed to help lift sofas. He asked me for the third time and I told him once and for all to stop asking! We actually laugh about it now. I told my friend and her husband and he was horrified!

I think a man who's not capable or willing to protect his wife and children is deeply unattractive.
Of course it's a natural human instinct to find a mate who will do this, just like it's natural to find a women who is nurturing. We are all animals after all and this is how we've got to where we are in the human race.
We'd be screwed if our grandfathers hadn't fought in the war and our grandmothers hadn't taken care of the children.
Both men and women are strong but (generally speaking) we use our strengths for different purposes.

@Coriolise - very good point, totally fair. There are many societies where women do need protection from the men around them much more.

Seriously?
I'm sure your H has other good traits. But I wouldn't be able to put up with that.
Neither my father nor my husband would expect me to lift heavy things , go to unsafe areas in the dark, DH would never go to bed without me home safe.

He also comes running to check if everything is OK if he hears a crash/bang/me swearing loudly.

Of course nobody is perfect... my H is a terrible cook and never plans/organises any outings. But I can live with that 😎

Does that not drive you mad?

If my DH got anxious everytime I was in a crowded place It would piss me off so much. I am capable of handling myself in a crowd, I'm not a child

I also don't need him to walk on the car side of the pavement. Again why should he get hit by a car over me?

There are situations where its nice to have someone with you, and I'm not saying I can handle every situation. But I can't stand men who think I can't make my own decisions as to risks, or treat me like a delicate peice of China. I want a man to treat me as an equal and be on my team.

So if someone broke into your house and pinned you down, you'd be okay if your husband just ran out the front door and left you and your children to fend for yourselves?

Exactly 😂

It’s a hangover from a time when women were economically inferior. I don’t need ‘protecting’. When I looked for a man, I looked for someone who was as clever as I was, and as ambitious, and as adventurous.

Yes this is absolutely true. There are cultures where having someone working with you to help keep you (and them) safe is needed

But a macho "I need to protect women' types OP is describing are not men that I want around me with guns. They aren't good men helping keep you safe, they are possessive misogynistic men