Did/do you look for a man to 'protect' you as a significant aspect of a relationship?

[Echobelly]

Asking this as 'menosphere' social media types seem really obsessed with this idea that all women are looking for a man who will 'protect' them. Which never even occurred to me and I can't imagine has been a factor for any woman I know.

I wonder if to some extent it is more an American cultural thing, but even there it's probably bollocks and it's a projection of insecure men trying to find some reason women 'need' them? Like 'I'm stronger, so only I can protect her!', although that's messed up because it would mostly mean... protecting her from other men. And of course, the greatest danger to women is probably intimate male partners in the first place.

I can imagine a situation, perhaps where a woman has been hurt by a man she should have trusted as a child, where she may consciously look for a man she feels protects her when that man in her earlier life didn't, but I don't think women are even thinking about how much a guy can 'protect' her when looking for a life partner.

Generally, I’d say no, but the reality is that in a situation where another person is being aggressive, they are probably less likely to be aggressive towards me if I am with a man. So in the sense that Dh, as a man, is more likely to keep me safe just by being present, yes, I do like that aspect of being in a relationship with a man. Though I can’t say it’s something I’ve ever looked for in any relationship.

That said, in actuality, in any situation where it’s likely to kick off, between the two of us, the one likely to bottle someone over the head is me. 😂 Like truthfully, the only one of us who has ever gotten in a verbal or physical altercation with anyone has been me. The only ‘protecting’ Dh is likely to do is dragging me out of fights so I don’t get stabbed. Which I guess is a good thing too!

Definitely. I don't want a wimp.

Protection can come in many forms- it doesn't always mean physical.

The assumption that women have evolved to find ‘fit and strong’ sexy mainly because they want a protector to fight other men/predators seems a bit of a leap to me. I can imagine a lot of daily jobs in prehistoric life where being physically fit would be helpful to providing for one’s family, and it’s also an indication (although not 100% reliable) of being healthy and unlikely to become a liability.

As many PP have said, lots of women would be actively put off by any man who’s all about ‘protecting his woman’. It’s far too close to misogyny, possessiveness and control.

And there are plenty of qualities that can outweigh big muscles. I don’t think any women have marked Jarvis Cocker down for inability to fight off a hypothetical sabre tooth tiger.

The social media types to whom you refer are talking about possession though, not protection. Their stance is based on women being 'less than' or inferior and so needing protecting (read - guarding like a dog does a bone).

Most of what I read about and from these types demonstrates that they know little about the working of women's minds. I can't think of one example of this type of 'bro' (WTF is that by the way) who is in a successful, lasting and equal relationship with a woman and so what they say carries little weight on the subject.

I don't think I ever 'looked for' anything in a man. I just lived my life and when I met my husband we clicked, were equal, loved each other. 40 years later it's still the best decision I ever made. Would he protect me? Yes. Would I protect him? With every fibre of my being and to the death.

I didn't go out looking for a protector, but I found someone who I feel completely safe with, which was huge for me as I hadn't felt genuinely safe since childhood.

That feeling of safety is a huge part of my attraction to him. But it's not because he is a big strong he man (he is a skinny lanky nerd who could no less fight a grizzly bear than I could). But he is a truly genuinely good person, who has respect for my boundaries, who doesn't push against a 'no', or even an 'I'm not sure'. He does however push back against others who push my boundaries

He gives me space to go at my pace with no pressure. He is supportive of my daft ideas, we are the same flavour of weird. He never judges me when my life is imperfect. He appreciates it when I put effort in, but it's never taken for granted or expected as the norm. He doesn't ridicule me, or ever make me feel less than. He doesn't storm off ahead of me when we're walking despite being a foot taller than me and having adhd (for those who get the reference).

He is about as far from one of these manosphere troglodytes as it's possible to get.

I would hope my DP would protect me from the hooded claw, and keep the vampires from my door.

Seeing as I have seen neither the hooded claw or any vampires I'd say he's doing a pretty good job.

Yes, I would expect DH to protect me if the circumstances arose. I'm not sure they ever have...perhaps when I was in ITU and he needed to advocate for me. We've never been in an aggressive situation or anything dangerous - but we live in inner city London, so it's definitely not out of the realms of possibilities.

I lived as the only adult as a single mum for years before we got married so I'm very able to take care of myself, but if I'm going to have a man in my life then I do expect him to be protective of me and the dc. I would find it uncaring if a partner didn't feel that way.

This is it for me far more than the physical protection the OP is talking about but that said, I think I would be disappointed in DH if we were in a situation where I did need physical protection and he didn't step in.

It depends on what you mean by protect.
I chose a man who didn't need to flex his muscles and show his "man-liness" to feel like a man.
I chose a man who knew we had a relationship where if I needed him, I would ask, he didn't need to step in on a situation.
He is quietly strong, I love it. I find that so much more attractive than a man who acts like they need to protect you
Oh and I am 4"10 and petite and still don't feel I need protecting.

Definitely!

This is exactly what I was thinking. My DH and I both care, support and look after each other, and of course this extends to our children. I guess you could call this protecting? But I see it as mutual.

😂

Yeah I agree with this. It's never something I've really thought about or set out to find in a man. I've always been quite independent and capable of looking after myself.

My DH is massively protective of me and our family. He's quite old fashioned in that he'll make me walk to the inside of the pavement etc. which I find endearing and it's also what my dad always does. He gets anxious in crowded rowdy places in case someone hurts me etc. If we're watching a movie where the woman is abducted or something he'll tell me how he would just kill them all and save me etc.

He makes me feel safe always when we're out. I guess it's not really something I ever felt I needed but it's nice.

It is old-fashioned but I think it is true that the 3ps (protect, profess and provide) really do tell you a lot about how your man feels about you. Provide does not need to be money.

😂😂😂 Protect me from what? Bears? I’d rather have someone with a good singing voice and a decent repertoire of bedroom tricks. I can’t imagine any of those incels claiming women need protecting could find a clitoris with a fog light.

Yes but turned out what I needed protecting from was actually him.

My wife is very protective of me- It was one of the first things that attracted me to her.

Yeah exactly.
And who's to say that 'only' the man protects.
Wet wipes whatever their sex are very unattractive.

My DH won't allow anybody to bully or take advantage of me (chief of these being his own family!) and I'm the same with him.

My partner protects me from anything IT/internet related (only because I can't be arsed).

Yes and no. I had cPTSD and I didn’t realise it. I was extremely needy. I am no longer struggling with it but I still want my DH as much.

I had not really thought about this consciously but turns out I absolutely did choose a protector in lots of ways. Anyway my marriage is over and the worst thing about being single is how horribly vulnerable I am. And I’m not talking vulnerable in a ‘need a big hairy bouncer man’ type way. I’m a capable, independent woman. Physically stronger than lots of men, streetwise etc. But I really feel now I’m single that no one has my back in an emotional way, and people really treat me differently as a single mum. It’s hideous in fact. The worst thing I’ve noticed is how other couples kind of walk over me, especially with regards to my children and their lack of respect to me as a single mum compared to as a family unit. Just small signs of disrespect that they wouldn’t have even considered if I was part of a couple. It’s hard to articulate but I really miss having someone protect me in that sense. I never realised I had it until it was gone.

I think it’s a weird American subculture thing - NOT MOST AMERICANS (don’t @me) but that misogynistic, you gotta dominate to date type community that has some weird influencer coaches. Repulsive to anyone normal obviously, but sadly sometimes attractive to very damaged women.

Yes, it is something I find fundamentally attractive in a man.

Disrespect you how though?

I'd be more concerned about women that wouldn't mind if a long term, committed partner didn't have an urge to protect them and their children.