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Original poster

I am at a massive crossroads in my life and have no idea which way to turn.

160 replies

NaiveIdiot · 12/08/2023 13:29

I have been stupid, I know that. I need to take decisive action, but I just can’t see the wood for the trees.

10 years ago I married DH. He is from a well-off farming family. I am not, and his family have always been fairly nasty to me for being ‘poor’ with ‘rough parents’ and a ‘gold digger’ (I’m not either btw, I’m just a normal person from a normal family with normal jobs in an end terrace. Not that it matters). Also because I have a regional northern dialect whilst they don’t (southern England and v posh).

For the last ten years I have lived in a house with DH on the family farm. We have spent around £150k renovating it to a beautiful standard on the understanding it would be ours. However FIL has never signed it over to us on the excuse that I will then divorce DH and take half.

DH has always had it implied to him that he will take over the farm one day, but I can’t see that ever happening. In fact I would be astounded. DH is adamant that his father (who is a very difficult and unpleasant man) will not let him down. I am convinced he will, and that heartache and trouble lie ahead.

To cut an extremely long story short, I have now spent over ten years living in a place I hate, where I don’t fit in and have no friends. His family have bullied me relentlessly which is a whole thread of its own. I am hours away from all my friends and grow further apart from them every year.

We live in and maintain a house that we don’t own and I believe never will.

DH does not see it this way. He is sure his dad will come through. He has tried to discuss it with FIL but FIL will not make known his plans for succession. DH has 2 sisters and a brother, none interested in farming but one is a golden child who definitely wants the lot (and I believe will get it).

I have issued an ultimatum that I can’t live like this, that he needs to find out what his dads future plans are, so that we can leave and make our own lives. He tried but his dad wouldn’t tell him.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want the place, I want to be hours away from these awful people and awful memories, I don’t want a single penny from them and I want our own home.
DH is very enmeshed in stately homes thread childhood, he wants his childhood dream of farming at home. I don’t believe he’ll ever get it, but if I push for us to leave now then he will resent me forever.

On the other hand if I leave on my own with the kids, I can’t support them as they’re used to living. And they’d resent me forever too as they love their dad, who is a very kind and decent person.

OP posts:
FlyMeToDunoon · 12/08/2023 13:35

How old are your children?
Do you love your husband?
Do you have a job?
Could you just take long breaks away visiting your friends? Make a really active separate life away from the toxic farm/inlaw situation?

MoChridhe · 12/08/2023 13:38

Is it likely that DHs sibling would kick him out of the house in the event that everything was left solely to sibling?

BooRadleyBoo · 12/08/2023 13:41

How old is fil and is mil more amenable if it all passes to her?

Sundaefraise · 12/08/2023 13:42

Is there a situation where you live in the next nearest larger place to the farm? So you are out of their clutches and can live independently, get a job if you don’t have one, but your dh can still work on the farm? In other words start moving your dh away by increments?

overprepper · 12/08/2023 13:42

It sounds like it’s the family having a bigger effect rather than the issue with your husband, you need to for your own sanity put some distance between you and FIL/the situation

7Worfs · 12/08/2023 13:42

It’s not an easy situation, but the farm cannot be broken up and handed down in
pieces.

From your OP I feel bad for your DH - sounds like he’s constantly torn and having to carefully navigate life and loyalty between wife and parents. Must be a very stressful life.

In your shoes I’d try my best to make it work, but then again I grew up on a farm and love that way of life.

HyggeTygge · 12/08/2023 13:44

I have issued an ultimatum that I can’t live like this, that he needs to find out what his dads future plans are, so that we can leave and make our own lives. He tried but his dad wouldn’t tell him.

Right, so what did he suggest you (both) do to address the problem? He sounds very passive - you've presented him with an ultimatum, is he not engaging with it, or just lost at what to do?

Mischance · 12/08/2023 13:53

I live in a rural area and most of my friends are farmers - the issue of succession is a very fraught one for all of them, especially where there are several children involved. I have seen so many battles over this. It is usually the father/FIL who digs their heels in and makes lives difficult.

Can you afford to buy something nearby so your OH can continue to work on the farm, but you have some security as regards housing for the future?

PackettInn · 12/08/2023 13:58

What's your DH actively doing to make things better?

PostOpOp · 12/08/2023 14:10

It’s not an easy situation, but the farm cannot be broken up and handed down in pieces.

No not broken up but could surely be made into some sort of business in which all children have shares (I listen to The Archers, so am clearly an expert 😉).

OP the FIL isn't going to tell him and even if he does, he can lie or change his mind - both of which sound possible with him.

Would moving off the farm be a possibility? If DH doesn't want to then us it possible to invest in a property that you rent out at least so you have money in the property market should you later need it? That doesn't help your issue with living on the farm but could at least partially insulate you against the whims of a mean man.

Tronkmanton · 12/08/2023 14:11

Having been in a vaguely similar situation please could I offer some advice? Do not spend any further money on the property you don’t own. It will never be yours due to the fact your husband has siblings. Presumably your rent is minimal as it’s an agricultural holding/part of job. If that is the case I would pour any spare money into buying another property to rent out. Therefore you have a safety net for when you don’t get given the farmhouse as part of the will. Your FIL will then no longer have the power to control you which I guarantee will make life a little less miserable. You can then concentrate on building a happy life for you & your family.

Tiqtaq · 12/08/2023 14:23

Sounds like the series Succession.
I couldn't live like this OP.
Does your DH work on the farm?

krustykittens · 12/08/2023 14:56

This is all too common in farming families and I often see it as parents using it as a form of control over their children. A friend of my daughters recently married a farmer's son, who, at 26, didn't have a declarable income (father just gave him cash when he needed it) or even a driver's licence, because he didn't need one on the farm. The father controlled him complelty, always with the threat of disinheritance and homelessness if he didn't tow the line. The father is less than thrilled to have an outsider (his DIL) poking her nose in and asking questions! Anyway, I digress. You can't live like this, you need some security. A will has to be made that sets it out plainly and even then, it can be changed. Do you live rent free? If so, I would be making it clear to DH that you want a significant amount put aside every month (the equivalent of a mortgage) to leave you with a very nice nest egg if DH does not inherit the farm. Or just build up funds as your family's 'running away' money', so you can have a heft house deposit in five years. If you are working together and have a plan, this will relieve a lot of stress, knowing you are leaving soon. If you are being charged rent and his family are a nightmare, I would consider leaving but with your DH. He sounds like a good man and this is abuse. Honestly, I look at the young man I mentioned above and wonder why he doesn't make a run for it. He has a wife that adores him and inlaws that love him, he could start again, go back to school, get some skills other than farming. Their lives are made miserable by a man who has total financial control over them. I can see that young woman writing the same post in a about 20 years.

Original poster
NaiveIdiot · 12/08/2023 14:56

FlyMeToDunoon · 12/08/2023 13:35

How old are your children?
Do you love your husband?
Do you have a job?
Could you just take long breaks away visiting your friends? Make a really active separate life away from the toxic farm/inlaw situation?

All primary age.
Yes I do love him.
Yes, a good job.
I already do this but it makes returning worse sadly…

OP posts:
Original poster
NaiveIdiot · 12/08/2023 14:57

MoChridhe · 12/08/2023 13:38

Is it likely that DHs sibling would kick him out of the house in the event that everything was left solely to sibling?

Instantly, with relish.

OP posts:
Watchagotch72 · 12/08/2023 15:04

You’re on a hiding to nothing. I’m from a farming family though luckily my mum / life events conspired to take us out the direct line of succession and my dad basically had to get a job. It has been good in the long run - he didn’t get stuck in the same situation as your DH, though he still pines for the family farm (which has been run into the ground over the years by his grasping older sister and her feckless husband 🙄).

What is your DHs work situation? Does he work on the farm / for his dad, and does he take a proper wage? Has he studied / got any qualifications?

EwwSprouts · 12/08/2023 15:06

His FIL will not discuss it because your DH is not going like what he reveals. Your DH has a right to know as he is contributing to the wealth/future viability of the farm.

farmingfamilybs · 12/08/2023 15:09

I've listened to this type of bullshit isms off my DM all my life.

"Well, she came from away, married him and then took half the farm." is a trope trotted out fairly often. It's always the woman's fault. There is a healthy dose of sexism, misogeny, hatred of people from away/from urban areas, control issues, emeshment, FOG. It's stately homes on steroids.

Sounds like you have class issues to contend with too.

You can take a stand but you'll get ground down eventually.

We also have the golden child that will likely inherit. Ironically, he's a complete fuckup but still entitled to everything cos male, innit? The rest of us just watch in disbelief as DM trots out all sorts of justification on why he's a prince among men.

Find a good therapist, plan your escape. Problem is that your DH will always pine for his way of life, so it's unlikely he'll come too.

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 12/08/2023 15:09

Regarding the £150k you have put into the house, what is the legal situation if it all goes pear shaped? I think you need legal advice to see where you stand really.

Also, you said you hate the area. If you bought a ‘normal’ house ten miles away and just got on with your life without his family would you still hate it or would that be better?

IamSTARVING · 12/08/2023 15:10

Tronkmanton · 12/08/2023 14:11

Having been in a vaguely similar situation please could I offer some advice? Do not spend any further money on the property you don’t own. It will never be yours due to the fact your husband has siblings. Presumably your rent is minimal as it’s an agricultural holding/part of job. If that is the case I would pour any spare money into buying another property to rent out. Therefore you have a safety net for when you don’t get given the farmhouse as part of the will. Your FIL will then no longer have the power to control you which I guarantee will make life a little less miserable. You can then concentrate on building a happy life for you & your family.

This sounds like very smart advice

farmingfamilybs · 12/08/2023 15:10

Ironically, the money troubles the family suffered weren't helped by not paying my dad any wages. DM is quick to complain about that and has never forgiven her in-laws.

I'd have a good stare at modern slavery definitions!

senua · 12/08/2023 15:23

However FIL has never signed it over to us on the excuse that I will then divorce DH and take half.
Have you put the equal-and-opposite view. If FIL doesn't regularise the succession position then the pair of you will 'divorce' him and he will have to manage the farm on his own.
It seems to me that these days a lot of 'adjacent' jobs make more than principal jobs. Farmers are penniless but vets, farriers, agronomists, agents, etc make a good living with non of the risk. DH should rethink his career.

It's not you who is at the crossroads - it's DH.

Watchagotch72 · 12/08/2023 15:31

Agree with @senua

When my dad became aware that his older sister was determined to marry a farmer and install herself in the family farm, that his mum would not prevent her from doing this, and that his only option would be to stay on as a kind of poorly paid farm labourer in the hope of a future inheritance he put himself through agricultural college, which meant he was able to continue to work in farming but also move away and be independent.

jlpth · 12/08/2023 15:34

I think you need to try to reason with your dh - that house needs to be signed over to you both right away or you need to get away and live somewhere else. There can be no waiting for that house - if FIL dies, it will be split between all the siblings (presumably) or go to the golden child. And you do not deserve to have to live beholden to FIL.

FIL is holding you to ransom and it needs to stop right away - either the house belongs to you and dh or you move away with dh and kids.

If you (you, dh and kids) left, it would be because FIL did not keep the promise and hand over the property. It would not be you taking dh's dream, it would be fil taking it. And your dh needs to understand that.

Would you still want to leave if the house was owned by you and dh?

If you need to make a move, you should definitely do it asap as teens absolutely do not want to be parted from their friends.

Andthereyougo · 12/08/2023 15:34

Tronkmanton · 12/08/2023 14:11

Having been in a vaguely similar situation please could I offer some advice? Do not spend any further money on the property you don’t own. It will never be yours due to the fact your husband has siblings. Presumably your rent is minimal as it’s an agricultural holding/part of job. If that is the case I would pour any spare money into buying another property to rent out. Therefore you have a safety net for when you don’t get given the farmhouse as part of the will. Your FIL will then no longer have the power to control you which I guarantee will make life a little less miserable. You can then concentrate on building a happy life for you & your family.

This.
I’d add don’t tell anyone about buying and renting out another property.

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