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Original poster

I am at a massive crossroads in my life and have no idea which way to turn.

160 replies

NaiveIdiot · 12/08/2023 13:29

I have been stupid, I know that. I need to take decisive action, but I just can’t see the wood for the trees.

10 years ago I married DH. He is from a well-off farming family. I am not, and his family have always been fairly nasty to me for being ‘poor’ with ‘rough parents’ and a ‘gold digger’ (I’m not either btw, I’m just a normal person from a normal family with normal jobs in an end terrace. Not that it matters). Also because I have a regional northern dialect whilst they don’t (southern England and v posh).

For the last ten years I have lived in a house with DH on the family farm. We have spent around £150k renovating it to a beautiful standard on the understanding it would be ours. However FIL has never signed it over to us on the excuse that I will then divorce DH and take half.

DH has always had it implied to him that he will take over the farm one day, but I can’t see that ever happening. In fact I would be astounded. DH is adamant that his father (who is a very difficult and unpleasant man) will not let him down. I am convinced he will, and that heartache and trouble lie ahead.

To cut an extremely long story short, I have now spent over ten years living in a place I hate, where I don’t fit in and have no friends. His family have bullied me relentlessly which is a whole thread of its own. I am hours away from all my friends and grow further apart from them every year.

We live in and maintain a house that we don’t own and I believe never will.

DH does not see it this way. He is sure his dad will come through. He has tried to discuss it with FIL but FIL will not make known his plans for succession. DH has 2 sisters and a brother, none interested in farming but one is a golden child who definitely wants the lot (and I believe will get it).

I have issued an ultimatum that I can’t live like this, that he needs to find out what his dads future plans are, so that we can leave and make our own lives. He tried but his dad wouldn’t tell him.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want the place, I want to be hours away from these awful people and awful memories, I don’t want a single penny from them and I want our own home.
DH is very enmeshed in stately homes thread childhood, he wants his childhood dream of farming at home. I don’t believe he’ll ever get it, but if I push for us to leave now then he will resent me forever.

On the other hand if I leave on my own with the kids, I can’t support them as they’re used to living. And they’d resent me forever too as they love their dad, who is a very kind and decent person.

OP posts:
ironorchids · 12/08/2023 18:43

You can't live on a wish and a prayer and a power dynamic where your FIL financially controls your life.

Do what you know you should have done: move out.

ilovetomatosoup · 12/08/2023 19:10

Have you, or both of you, seen a solicitor to actually tell you where you stand legally if you get, or do not get the farm? Knowing what I know about farming communities, they are insular and look after their 'own'. Right now I suspect that is your DH siblings and not you and DH.

Do not spend any more money on the house and try and get some sort of backup plan in place.

Watchagotch72 · 12/08/2023 21:21

You can't live on a wish and a prayer and a power dynamic where your FIL financially controls your life.

Yeah, that’s farming families 🤷‍♀️

Mrtumblefan · 12/08/2023 21:26

You could make a prenup retrospectively and call the FILs bluff then he might show his hand. Then you could quietly nullify it.

senua · 12/08/2023 21:46

Watchagotch72 · 12/08/2023 21:21

You can't live on a wish and a prayer and a power dynamic where your FIL financially controls your life.

Yeah, that’s farming families 🤷‍♀️

Which is all the more reason to leave (hopefully both of you together). Do you really want your DC to be the next generation of this?

PermanentTemporary · 12/08/2023 21:59

The thing is, suppose you do get the house and farm (which i agree sounds unlikely). It will only happen after years of conflict. Then what? At this point your FIL is off the scene but the rest of them are still there, all around you and with a whole lot more bitterness; you're still in the area you don't like, and your children are thoroughly indoctrinated into this toxic approach to life.

I would execute that ultimatum. I'd move to a nearby town, rent somewhere and say to your dh that you want him to come too, that you love him but you won't live there any more.

Oioicaptain · 12/08/2023 22:12

Sometimes tweaks are the best way forward rather than drastic action. You don't need to necessarily up and leave and move back to where you came from. If your husband works on the farm, can you buy somewhere else close by to live in or rent out? Does your husband receive a full wage for the job that he does and is the free rent/accomodation part of his 'salary'? Could his family pay him more if he vacated the property and they rented it out? Realistically, the property will likely not just be left to your husband. The cottage might be, or the main farmhouse. What will his siblings be entitled to? I'm sure that you won't be left with nothing. Most likely you will be left with 1/3rd farm and then having to raise funds to buy out siblings. It's tricky because I can understand his Dad's reluctance to commit and work out the complexities of it all. And I can understand your need for stability and to escape his family. So I think that investing in another property nearby would be a sensible option at this point, coupled with more regular visits to see family and friends.

Comfortablechair · 12/08/2023 22:23

@NaiveIdiot firstly stop beating yourself up - stuff happens you did what u thought was best at the time - it’s happened so it’s just wasted enegry to get upset. How much of the 150k was actually yours? Because I would separate the two challenges 1) the feeling that ur owned something 2) ur relationship witn partner. When I got ill I realised that money will come and go - plan ur life against ur happiness. Within that context I agree with other people - save a bit of money and rent somewhere small to get out of their orbit - you’re too deep to see the trees at the moment. Lean on family and lean on friends. Good luck

Original poster
NaiveIdiot · 13/08/2023 10:40

Thank you for the replies and sorry for not answering everything. It’s all just so depressing.
Either we stay here and I’m unhappy, or we move and he’s unhappy. Neither of us want to be the architect of the others misery, but neither of us want to split. It’s an impossible situation.

OP posts:
farmingfamilybs · 13/08/2023 10:53

Or you have 2 places?

If you keep thinking there's no solution, all you'll get is more depressed.

alittleadvicepls · 13/08/2023 10:57

You might have a claim in equity once FIL passes based on the money and time you have spent doing the house up being under the impression that it would go to you. But good on you for thinking ahead!

montecarlo7 · 13/08/2023 11:02

I would leave and walk away from that life, with or without my husband. Set up a life for you and your kids away from the control of his family. I would assume he would come running after you once he sees it's possible.

I don't say this lightly. I turned my back on my entire narcissistic family after years of abuse and control so I know it isn't easy. But I don't see how your life is going to improve in any way staying in this situation long term.

Ohthatsabitshit · 13/08/2023 11:04

I think but your own house even if it’s teeny. If you are earning that £150k should have gone into YOUR families pot not improvs his parents property. They sound ghastly and I would look to your own children’s futures by making yourselves more financially stable. You have time to turn this around. I’d live with my dh in a cardboard box but I wouldn’t allow him to let us be homeless and without capital on the whim of his parents! What happens if he dies? Has he got life insurance even???

Goldcircle · 13/08/2023 11:05

You need to leave. Your DH will accept ir he won’t. Your children are better getting used to a different life now rather than you living a crap life in limbo.

TheDuchessOfMN · 13/08/2023 11:17

Is your dh the eldest son?

Call me naive but can’t imagine any man would be cruel enough to allow his son to spend £150,000 renovating a home that will be inherited by another sibling.

But yes I think you were foolish to do that without knowing his plans.

He’s probably just being spiteful in not telling you both that it will be yours. He’s enjoying the power he has over you. It’s all about greed and power with these men, always.

Zipps · 13/08/2023 11:18

I'm not a fan of ultimatums but I would definitely be having the conversation that your happiness is important and your dh either supports you and you make plans for your new life away from this poisonous set up asap or you go it alone. Don't worry about the dc, this toxicity is damaging to them.

Zipps · 13/08/2023 11:19

Forget the money, pretend it's rent or something. If you stay you will end up spending even more.

senua · 13/08/2023 11:20

Either we stay here and I’m unhappy, or we move and he’s unhappy.
But is he happy at the moment, under the thumb of his "difficult, unpleasant" father? He is putting up with rubbish now on the totally unfounded belief of "jam tomorrow".
You've said yourself that it's all toxic parenting / FOG. Maybe he will only see it once he's free. Short term pain for long term gain.

Original poster
NaiveIdiot · 13/08/2023 11:25

farmingfamilybs · 13/08/2023 10:53

Or you have 2 places?

If you keep thinking there's no solution, all you'll get is more depressed.

Not an option sadly. It’s been made clear that if he leaves he’s on his own. I believe they would cut him out completely. No loss to me but then it’s not my family, I can imagine it would be fairly heartbreaking for him no matter how unpleasant they are.

OP posts:
Original poster
NaiveIdiot · 13/08/2023 11:26

senua · 13/08/2023 11:20

Either we stay here and I’m unhappy, or we move and he’s unhappy.
But is he happy at the moment, under the thumb of his "difficult, unpleasant" father? He is putting up with rubbish now on the totally unfounded belief of "jam tomorrow".
You've said yourself that it's all toxic parenting / FOG. Maybe he will only see it once he's free. Short term pain for long term gain.

This is a helpful perspective, thank you.

OP posts:
gabbyaggy · 13/08/2023 11:32

Relative married a farmers daughter, if they moved in with her parents the farmhouse would become theirs on their passing. My relative and his wife refused they bought their own home and are very happy.

Farmers and politics. Land land land.

HotPringles · 13/08/2023 11:34

Watchagotch72 · 12/08/2023 21:21

You can't live on a wish and a prayer and a power dynamic where your FIL financially controls your life.

Yeah, that’s farming families 🤷‍♀️

I have to say the description of farming families are exactely what I see happening in front if me with dh side of the family. Down to one child pouring a lot of money into renovating a house wo any financial protection.

Bottom line is - you’re right. It’s financially crazy.
Its also extremely hard to live in such close quarters with ILs and have your DH (and therefore your family) being financially dependent on IL for a wage.

I’d agree with @Tronkmanton .
You need a second house. One you rent so you have that protection of having a house fir yourself. Or one you live in so you let’s say see each other Friday to Sunday night and you have a break during the week. (Incl your DH being able to ‘get the WE off’ some of the time).
And then your DH needs to start asking his dad to treat the whole ‘working in the family farm’ as areal business affair. By experience it’s going to be hard but the more business like, the better.

Walkover · 13/08/2023 11:40

i could have written this myself OP- we are going through this exact situation ourselves , the only difference is i am also from farming stock, but even then im still seen as an outsider here (and i come from a v well known farming family in another part of Wales). If you want to drop me a private message im happy to provide some thoughts/solidarity/support to help as the farming succession/farming inlaws piece is such a horrible and unique challenge.

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 13/08/2023 11:45

I would give him an ultimatum. Either he leaves with you or you leave alone.

You and his children need to be his priority. And if he’s not prepared to make you a priority then I would call it quits.

I understand the idea of the family dynamic and how hard it is to walk away from that, but in truth is he really going to be unhappy living away from the family farm?

And what happens if he dies? You’ll be left with nothing and your children will be homeless.

If he loves you, then he will move with you. If he refuses to do that, then you’d already lost him.

Farmageddon · 13/08/2023 11:47

This is so difficult OP, you have both been put in an impossible situation. In terms of compromise, would your in laws be amenable to the idea of you and your husband building another house on their land, a house that you own outright - they could gift a parcel of land, maybe an acre or two and you could build on that. At least then you would have some security for the future.

If this is not an option, I personally wouldn't hang around and wait for the fall out: your in laws could live for decades more, and when they die there will be more drama with who gets what with the siblings. A disaster no matter what way you look at it.
Also, you are unhappy there, you are isolated from friends and don't see a good future there. You need to do what's right for you and your children, if your husband doesn't see the toll this is taking on you then he's not as great a husband as you think.

If your in laws are not interested in compromise you will need to take some action to protect yourself. Of course they want to keep the status quo, it benefits them.