I am at a massive crossroads in my life and have no idea which way to turn.

[NaiveIdiot]

I have been stupid, I know that. I need to take decisive action, but I just can’t see the wood for the trees.

10 years ago I married DH. He is from a well-off farming family. I am not, and his family have always been fairly nasty to me for being ‘poor’ with ‘rough parents’ and a ‘gold digger’ (I’m not either btw, I’m just a normal person from a normal family with normal jobs in an end terrace. Not that it matters). Also because I have a regional northern dialect whilst they don’t (southern England and v posh).

For the last ten years I have lived in a house with DH on the family farm. We have spent around £150k renovating it to a beautiful standard on the understanding it would be ours. However FIL has never signed it over to us on the excuse that I will then divorce DH and take half.

DH has always had it implied to him that he will take over the farm one day, but I can’t see that ever happening. In fact I would be astounded. DH is adamant that his father (who is a very difficult and unpleasant man) will not let him down. I am convinced he will, and that heartache and trouble lie ahead.

To cut an extremely long story short, I have now spent over ten years living in a place I hate, where I don’t fit in and have no friends. His family have bullied me relentlessly which is a whole thread of its own. I am hours away from all my friends and grow further apart from them every year.

We live in and maintain a house that we don’t own and I believe never will.

DH does not see it this way. He is sure his dad will come through. He has tried to discuss it with FIL but FIL will not make known his plans for succession. DH has 2 sisters and a brother, none interested in farming but one is a golden child who definitely wants the lot (and I believe will get it).

I have issued an ultimatum that I can’t live like this, that he needs to find out what his dads future plans are, so that we can leave and make our own lives. He tried but his dad wouldn’t tell him.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want the place, I want to be hours away from these awful people and awful memories, I don’t want a single penny from them and I want our own home.
DH is very enmeshed in stately homes thread childhood, he wants his childhood dream of farming at home. I don’t believe he’ll ever get it, but if I push for us to leave now then he will resent me forever.

On the other hand if I leave on my own with the kids, I can’t support them as they’re used to living. And they’d resent me forever too as they love their dad, who is a very kind and decent person.

Ups don’t want to leave, but you can’t put up with this, right? What is the worst that could happen if you lose your shit at his parents and let them know that you have spent X years being bullied without biting back at your DH’s request and you have had it? Bit back. Let them know that you love your DH and have supported his dream of x but you have had it with the insulting insinuations and demand to be treated with respect. You and DH have spent x renovating the house under with this promise. They have failed to follow through and you will no longer tolerate being the excuse used by the parents to break this promise. Without you, DH would not have been able to manage this, this and this and your financial input has been X. (Receipts would be fab) Let them know that if your DH won’t hoe the balls to stand up to them and demand what is right then you will.

Could you request a family meeting with both in-laws? Maybe your MIL would be more open to compromise and could convince her husband.

At least then you could also have your say and illustrate why this scenario doesn't work for your or your children.

Do NOT build another house on their land!!

Its more money poured into the void and risking you having absolutely nothing at the end.

@BeenThereDoneThat101 is right. What will happen if your DH dies? Where will you live? - because it’s sure that you won’t be staying at the farm! ILs wouldn’t allow that anyway.

Yep, the 2 places was he stays, you leave, he visits, you visit...together apart, or whatever spin you want to put on it.

If you're getting dehoused on death or disorder anyway, you might as well have a house now, that's yours and getting the input and love. Not the one that won't be yours regardless.

I was thinking along the lines of the PIL signing an acre or two of land over to the OP and her husband for them to build on, therefore it would be protected no matter what happens, and also keeps the original farmhouse and most of the farm land in tact.

But obviously there may be unintended consequences I hadn't thought of.

Plus I think you need some drama-free perspective.

I say this as someone who is currently trying to disinherit themselves as I cannot be doing with the drama. Ironically, no-one believes I can and will walk away from a substantial amout of money. But good mental health is more important than any cash, land or job.

What about IHT? Presume FIL knows about 7 year rule? I suppose he doesn't want to gift the house to DH because it will break up his estate? Is he likely to give everything to just one child because of wanting to keep all his farm and properties on it together - so your DH may not get anything anyway? If he has never even said verbally he will give DH the house you would not have a strong case to claim it when he passes away.

I did this. Calmly told them that I had had enough of being bullied and belittled, and that they needed to treat me with a modicum of respect for us to mend relations and all be happier.

It was met with an absolute tirade of abuse the like of which I’ve never experienced. In summary they will never respect me because I’m worse than shit and my family are poor and I’m nothing more than a gold digger etc etc.

I haven’t spoken to either of them since. There’s no mending of relations to be done with these people.

They wouldn’t give anything to DH that might benefit me.

I’m sorry you’re going through something similar. Yes I will do!

Thank you again for the replies. I’m reading and digesting each one

If they're as nasty as you describe, what if they believed you and your DH have split up? Let your imagination run free..

Look, you cannot live beholden to these people any more. If your DH dies, you and your children will be on the street. These cunts have said as much.

You have to go, and take your children with you. DH can do what he likes, come or stay. But you have to have a place you know you won’t be kicked out of in a couple of years.

Has dh LET them speak to you like that? I know lots of women living as you describe but their husbands would not allow that. Ask him to stand up for you and if he won’t leave with the children.

Blimey, this is the plot of a book i just read called ''i've something to tell you'' by michelle mcdonagh. Weirdly parallel right down to not actually owning the house you live in while promises of inheritances to come stop you rocking the boat too much.

Your In laws sound appalling and I would just '''allow'' them to think you're a dirt poor gold digger if that's what they need to believe. Let them roll around in that belief while you do what's right for YOU.

If your in laws died and it turned out they left the farm and every installation to the local wonky donky sanctuary, what would you do?

Do what you want to do and tune out their commentary. Fuck them, they sound horrendous.

The fact that your husband allows them to treat you like that is a huge issue, he should be standing up for you. I think you have worse problems than the house tbh. How much of your and your children's happiness and security is your husband willing to sacrifice for some future dream that may never happen.

I really think you should start planning for a life with your children away from them all. If your husband sees sense and comes with you, then great, if not then so be it.

The situation is untenable whether he pretends it isn’t or not. You are not “the architect of his unhappiness” even if you drag him away because he is not going to inherit no matter what. Or only by a fluke of fate if the other more favored children die, or FIL dies early and its convenient for MIL to regularize the situation.

I don’t know what financing is really available to you or what housing. I would maybe propose you separate “officially” but not really and take the children and whatever money you both can scrape up and move somewhere better for you and the children. He can ask for more money (or real ppay) so that he can pay for you all and continue in servitude. He can stay behind and tske the bullying until he gets sick of it. Or they can deed him the property to induce you all to come back.

I think you have to take the hostages out of the equation (you and the children). Only in that way can HIS choices become clear.

The fact that your husband allows them to treat you like that is a huge issue, he should be standing up for you.

He has massively taken them to task over it and hasn’t spoken to his mother and brother in years because of the way they’ve treated me. His relationship with FIL is very strained because of it and they barely speak. He hardly works on the farm anymore - he wasn’t being paid so we rented our own land and have our own cows and silage now.

It is a truly ridiculous situation I know. Writing it down helps me to see that. But unless you’ve been in a farming family boiling frog scenario I can imagine it’s hard to understand how it all creeps up on you.

It's a horrible situation, though I can see also why in laws are nervous about gifting the farm before they die; I've known farming families with similar fears, and when you think about what it would be like to gift all your possessions to a child and in law you don't get on with no certainty they'd keep supporting you, you can see why they want to keep control (not saying that's right at all!)

Having said that in one of these families the children discovered that the parents didn't actually own the farm and house at all when they died... it belonged to a big landowner on a long lease though children had always believed and been told it was the family farm for generations (they had lived and harmed there for generations just not owned it). On in laws death the landowner was happy for the farming child to take over the lease but as the in laws had been locked into a very low rent he increased it and the cost was such they choose to leave and get a smaller farm elsewhere. Caused huge trauma for the children who didn't work in the farm as well who thought they had an inheritance. They found this is not as uncommon as you think. Might be worth a quick check with the land registry!

Extremely controlling. They are pushing you to leave just to prove themselves right . I agree that if financially it is at all possible you move somewhere close by and rent . And if they were worried about you taking half the farm all they had to do was sign a financial agreement that meant that would not happen . It’s about control . That’s all .

They are pushing you to leave just to prove themselves right

Yes this is EXACTLY it!

Agree! And then concentrate on your own career and building friendships. You can control that part of your life.

This is very sad to read.
Bullied relentlessly by your inlaws sounds bloody awful!
I hope it works out for you and your family.

So he’s barely working on the land they own now?

The only farming family succession success stories I know of involve the children developing a different business (often holiday lets) and renting that land off the farm officially, and having their own housing in their name.

If it’s the money you’ve ‘invested’ in the property you live in you should probably forget it if they’ll never sign it over or sell it whilst you’re married to him.

Buy a property somewhere- anywhere! - that is yours and your DH’s.

Is your dh earning a fair wage for the work he is doing?

If the answer is no, I think you need to cut your losses and give him an ultimatum.

If the answer is yes, then I would play the long game.

In your place I would 100% do this:

Dh should ask for the £150,000 to be returned, this is not unreasonable. You have the option to write it off, but it’s better to come to an arrangement that the money is returned to you both.

I would use this money on a small property in the area where your friends and family are and use this place as an investment and a weekend and holiday home. This would give you the time and space to rebuild your network there.

Secondly use this time now to retrain, choose something that is lucrative and long term. Don’t just sit there and wait to be disinherited and homeless, put the time to good use updating your skills and get a job. These actions will help enormously on their own, knowing you ARE taking control of your future.

I can’t encourage you divorce a man that is decent and loving, but he is standing by allowing you to be abused op. So whilst I feel I want to say stay, I think it’s better to play the long game and manoeuvre yourself into a place where you can have a quality of life in the future.

I know what they are doing, we all do. Your dh is penniless on paper so if you divorce now you can expect nothing. The family money and business remains preserved.

Play the long game op. Don’t rush, consider your options, maximise your future income, insulate your future.