I am at a massive crossroads in my life and have no idea which way to turn.

[NaiveIdiot]

I have been stupid, I know that. I need to take decisive action, but I just can’t see the wood for the trees.

10 years ago I married DH. He is from a well-off farming family. I am not, and his family have always been fairly nasty to me for being ‘poor’ with ‘rough parents’ and a ‘gold digger’ (I’m not either btw, I’m just a normal person from a normal family with normal jobs in an end terrace. Not that it matters). Also because I have a regional northern dialect whilst they don’t (southern England and v posh).

For the last ten years I have lived in a house with DH on the family farm. We have spent around £150k renovating it to a beautiful standard on the understanding it would be ours. However FIL has never signed it over to us on the excuse that I will then divorce DH and take half.

DH has always had it implied to him that he will take over the farm one day, but I can’t see that ever happening. In fact I would be astounded. DH is adamant that his father (who is a very difficult and unpleasant man) will not let him down. I am convinced he will, and that heartache and trouble lie ahead.

To cut an extremely long story short, I have now spent over ten years living in a place I hate, where I don’t fit in and have no friends. His family have bullied me relentlessly which is a whole thread of its own. I am hours away from all my friends and grow further apart from them every year.

We live in and maintain a house that we don’t own and I believe never will.

DH does not see it this way. He is sure his dad will come through. He has tried to discuss it with FIL but FIL will not make known his plans for succession. DH has 2 sisters and a brother, none interested in farming but one is a golden child who definitely wants the lot (and I believe will get it).

I have issued an ultimatum that I can’t live like this, that he needs to find out what his dads future plans are, so that we can leave and make our own lives. He tried but his dad wouldn’t tell him.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want the place, I want to be hours away from these awful people and awful memories, I don’t want a single penny from them and I want our own home.
DH is very enmeshed in stately homes thread childhood, he wants his childhood dream of farming at home. I don’t believe he’ll ever get it, but if I push for us to leave now then he will resent me forever.

On the other hand if I leave on my own with the kids, I can’t support them as they’re used to living. And they’d resent me forever too as they love their dad, who is a very kind and decent person.

If your FIL willed the estate away from your husband and to the other siblings your DH may have a claim anyway in law. You need to get proper legal advice on this but at least you would know where you both stand.

We were in a very similar situation, bar the fall out, we acutally got on fairly well back then and made the choice to walk away

3 brothers, only DH worked on the farm. Was constantly promised that he would get the farm in the end and never received any wages although did have a house rent free and his mum did all his cooking and washing before we met. He also has a 8hr a week pt job completely unrelated to farming so had a small income of his own he used for personal spends but is by no means a big spender.

Elderly parents so he ran the whole farm and Any contracting off farm that he did was put straight into the business.

We survived solely on my income and DH was working all hours to support his parents and older brother who didn't work.

We lived in the farm cottage which was uninhabitable to be honest, I spent 20k of my own money to make it liveable, under the promise that I'd get the money back. Never happened.

We lasted 2 years in the house. Then I moved out and DH came too. The farm was sold. Set up his own contracting business and we are so much better off financially.

FiL died about 6 months after we left. The will split his estate between the 2 older brothers. DH got 5k. It hadn't been altered in 10 years.

I no longer speak to his family. I'm disgusted in the lot of them. DH is far nicer than me and keeps the peace.

If he has siblings would it not need to be sold and split anyway?

The only way DH can have the farm is if he bought his siblings out (if it was split fairly) which may not even be possible.

DH needs to speak to his father and if you are the reason that FIL won’t sign anything over to him then perhaps some sort of legal agreement could be achieved, like a prenup deal which means it’s solely DH’s and in the event of a divorce you wouldn’t see anything.
Obviously once he’s died then you can change it back.
This does leave you in a vulnerable position, but no less vulnerable than you are now.

If FIL is getting older then perhaps it’s worth holding on for a bit longer.
If the other siblings want nothing to do with the farm then it could mean FIL ends up asking your DH for help to run it.

On the other hand, this horrible murder-joint suicide (a father and one of his sons killed the other son and them themselves) happened over a dispute over farm inheritance not too far from where I grew up.

https://www.irishtimes.com/news/ireland/irish-news/cork-murder-suicide-had-origins-in-dispute-over-land-inquest-hears-1.4639149

I've been through something similar and I walked away from a potentially large inheritance.
This is my read on it for what it's worth. FIL is a control freak and won't give anything away in his lifetime. DH may be very old by the time FIL dies.
On his death most likely he has left everything to MIL for inheritance tax reasons with his instructions on what she should do with the estate going forward. So what happens next will in reality be down to MIL alone. She may well keep control of everything until her death.
So any future inheritance is not only tenuous but also unlikely to happen until your DH hits retirement age.
You and your family need to live your lives in the now or your lives will pass you by and be controlled by PIL in a malign fashion.
I would suggest counselling for your DH to help him realise his situation and his options as PIL have done a huge number on him and he will have a lot of trauma to process, I think he will need professional support.
There are many options and the two of you can be masters and architects of your own lives. You already know deep down that FIL cannot be trusted, do not put your fates in his hands, no price is worth this.
You can take action in your own time and on your own terms but you need to start the process.
This is a very tough situation for both of you but you can move through this and it can make you stronger as a couple, that is what my experience has been.

I'd rather live in a hovel on the side of the road than be treated like a piece of dirt and insulted like this.

Your husband is greedy. That's all there is to it IMV. Why would he not enjoy an independent life away from these awful people who are using him like a puppet, and live well with his wife and family elsewhere instead. Follow the money.

He does not deserve your love.

@NaiveIdiot you say your DH Is ‘kind and decent’

But apparently happy for you to be bullied by his family, have no friends and be miserable.

Those things do not go. You come second to his dream.

Do you want to accept that?

Wow that’s awful.

I think you need an ultimatum.

Either they sign the house over to you (or put it in some sort of legal trust for DH / children) or you move elsewhere. This sort of toxic treatment of you is going to affect your children and they are WAY easier to move in primary than secondary. You could move nearby to allow DH to farm the land you rent.

But, you cannot carry on. If something happens to DH you may be homeless and too old to get a mortgage. Get a small property and build your own lives but give his parents one last chance to give your children security.

And then run.

But you really don't want the farm. Hi hate it there. Your husband does, even if in your opinion he won't get it. So it makes me wonder if you'd ever be happy even if he did get the farm?
So to me the possible future inheritance is irrelevant. You want to move, I bet he doesn't . How do you overcome this fundamental difference? You can only live with what is happening right now, and it doesn't seem sustainable for you.

How old is FIL?

It sounds as though you two splitting, or pretending to, would make FIL more likely to bequeath to your husband. Have you considered a strategic divorce?

Your husband is greedy

I think it needs to be stated that he is not interested in the farm for financial reasons.
Unless you’ve been there it must be very hard to understand.
Most of these farming kids don’t choose to be farmers. They are GROOMED for it. From a very young age, they are brainwashed and guilt tripped into their obligation to The Farm. To not let down The Farm. They don’t get a choice.

From toddler age DH has constantly had this hammered into him. You’re the 10th generation etc etc, this magical ancient family parcel of England will be yours and your sons after you etc etc. It’s disgusting really, but it makes it extremely hard for anyone like DH who is by nature kind and wants to please everyone, to turn away from it.

FWIW he has said that he will move with me. That we can just live in a house and rent until the tenancy is up or whatever. That he can’t bear for me to be so unhappy and he can absolutely leave his dream behind.
But I just feel so bad about it. I feel like it’s all my fault.

I definitely would not even consider something as scheming as this, sorry.
Also…I don’t want the farm!!

Very wise and all really resonates. Thank you

hat he can’t bear for me to be so unhappy and he can absolutely leave his dream behind.
But I just feel so bad about it. I feel like it’s all my fault.

Maybe he facies a new dream as well - you say he's barely speaking to his family he may well be over the whole thing as well and needing a break from the toxicity and guilt tripping.

I don't think your guilt will be helpful here - if he's saying he's happy to move on believe him and start planning for a better tomorrow.

If it were me in this situation, and loved my husband and wanted us to stay together-I’d buy the best house I could afford as security in the case of being left high and dry. You could live in it and commute to the farm/your job or you could rent it out to pay the mortgage. Please don’t tell me you’re paying more than a peppercorn rent where you are-and no more money spent on the house on the farm. Your husband has to tell his parents what’s happening-not ask or consult them-and if their answer is to threaten and disinherit-well you have your answer. Talk to your husband urgently.

You should have said in your OP that dh doesn’t speak to his family, or that the relationship is strained. That changes everything.

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he’s left with nothing.

Unless you’ve been there it must be very hard to understand.
Most of these farming kids don’t choose to be farmers. They are GROOMED for it. From a very young age, they are brainwashed and guilt tripped into their obligation to The Farm. To not let down The Farm. They don’t get a choice.
Except that the other three siblings did. They have other lives.

Is DH trapped by the tenancy? Can he break the lease.

Definitely grooming involved. I was a mother's help on a very traditional farm and the boys were definitely getting it drummed into them.

Me, otoh, has never been forgiven for moving away and not being a slave marrying a local farmer. I'm sure my DM would have bartered me to next door given a chance.

Not a fan of the sneering at generational farms and traditions tbf.

this sounds like a way forward OP
I think with ultimatums, its a good idea to have some practical steps towards fulfilling them, otherwise it leaves people with a huge dilemma which is seemingly unresolvable.
But it does sound as if yu need to remove yourselves from PIL's control over every aspect of your life and there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with encouraging your DH to make plans for your financial future as the foundations sound shakey and uncertain at the moment.

Might sound a bit off track, but could you organise a joint visit to a paid independent financial advisor. Maybe he needs to hear an "official" someone spelling out that fact that relying on a supposed inheritance is poor financial planning. And also someone who might be able to propose some solutions.

From toddler age DH has constantly had this hammered into him. You’re the 10th generation etc etc, this magical ancient family parcel of England will be yours and your sons after you etc etc.
Is it actually such a wonderful heritage or a millstone?
I bet it's all tied up in Trusts, anyway.

But I don’t get how this squares with the reality. Until your updates, I expected you to be saying that your DH was working on the family farm alongside his father, moving thwarts taking over completely when his father retires. But he’s not working there at all, due I think to the family falling out over him marrying you, yet still expects the farm will be signed over to him when FIL dies? Why would FIL do that if your DH isn’t even seen as part of the family business now?

Moving towards, not “thwarts”.

Also, how old is FIL and how old is DH?

But absolutely typical.