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Original poster

I am at a massive crossroads in my life and have no idea which way to turn.

160 replies

NaiveIdiot · 12/08/2023 13:29

I have been stupid, I know that. I need to take decisive action, but I just can’t see the wood for the trees.

10 years ago I married DH. He is from a well-off farming family. I am not, and his family have always been fairly nasty to me for being ‘poor’ with ‘rough parents’ and a ‘gold digger’ (I’m not either btw, I’m just a normal person from a normal family with normal jobs in an end terrace. Not that it matters). Also because I have a regional northern dialect whilst they don’t (southern England and v posh).

For the last ten years I have lived in a house with DH on the family farm. We have spent around £150k renovating it to a beautiful standard on the understanding it would be ours. However FIL has never signed it over to us on the excuse that I will then divorce DH and take half.

DH has always had it implied to him that he will take over the farm one day, but I can’t see that ever happening. In fact I would be astounded. DH is adamant that his father (who is a very difficult and unpleasant man) will not let him down. I am convinced he will, and that heartache and trouble lie ahead.

To cut an extremely long story short, I have now spent over ten years living in a place I hate, where I don’t fit in and have no friends. His family have bullied me relentlessly which is a whole thread of its own. I am hours away from all my friends and grow further apart from them every year.

We live in and maintain a house that we don’t own and I believe never will.

DH does not see it this way. He is sure his dad will come through. He has tried to discuss it with FIL but FIL will not make known his plans for succession. DH has 2 sisters and a brother, none interested in farming but one is a golden child who definitely wants the lot (and I believe will get it).

I have issued an ultimatum that I can’t live like this, that he needs to find out what his dads future plans are, so that we can leave and make our own lives. He tried but his dad wouldn’t tell him.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want the place, I want to be hours away from these awful people and awful memories, I don’t want a single penny from them and I want our own home.
DH is very enmeshed in stately homes thread childhood, he wants his childhood dream of farming at home. I don’t believe he’ll ever get it, but if I push for us to leave now then he will resent me forever.

On the other hand if I leave on my own with the kids, I can’t support them as they’re used to living. And they’d resent me forever too as they love their dad, who is a very kind and decent person.

OP posts:
heldinadream · 13/08/2023 16:09

7Worfs · 13/08/2023 14:43

Not a fan of the sneering at generational farms and traditions tbf.

Surely no-one's sneering at traditions so much as horrified when the generational and traditional thing goes so badly wrong that younger generation's loyalty is mercilessly exploited and they are given no reward for their hard work and commitment.

7Worfs · 13/08/2023 16:19

heldinadream · 13/08/2023 16:09

Surely no-one's sneering at traditions so much as horrified when the generational and traditional thing goes so badly wrong that younger generation's loyalty is mercilessly exploited and they are given no reward for their hard work and commitment.

Show quote history

That's off yes, I was more bemused with "brainwashed" and "groomed" that The Farm has been in the family for X generations and it will be yours, then your children's, etc. That's nothing to sneer at.
I bet no one sneered at the Lion King's "everything the light touches will be yours"

HotPringles · 13/08/2023 16:29

Well I’m looking at it from a slight outsider. DH from a farming family. I’m not.

I don’t know any other circumstances where a child is told right from the word go what their job as an adult is supposed to be.

IF one of the children want to take over, fair enough. (Even though from watching what happened in my own family, it’s not Wo any problems of its own). But repeatedly telling a child that this is what will happen? Why?

Esp when, as default, the child is raised to be a farmer - DH did many chores before and after school right from primary school age. Imagining himself as something else but a farmer has always been hard. And imo still hasn’t happened. His dream is to take his parents farm over as they can’t farm anymore….

heldinadream · 13/08/2023 16:37

I don’t know any other circumstances where a child is told right from the word go what their job as an adult is supposed to be. Royalty, for one. Which is actually connected because if you go back far enough the ownership of land almost completely correlates with societal status and 'nobility'. So a lot of this is a deeply entrenched leftover from those times, hence the complexity and strangeness of the attitudes and how hard it is to challenge them.

Itslookinggood · 13/08/2023 17:10

I have lived exactly your situation, op. As have others here.

I recognise it completely, even down to the capitals of The Farm - this became a joke between us. Grooming from birth, the toxic controlling in-laws, inheritance and loyalty to The Farm/The Family held over your head, it’s all completely typical, as other pps have said.

you have to have lived it to experience it, really. Pp who said it’s stately homes on steroids had it right.

We are now divorced. If you want to avoid that, pps with thr same experience gave wise advice. Professional support for DH through counselling, to help him separate emotionally & gain clarity. Financial income/investment off the farm. Setting yourselves practically, emotionally and financially up for a future away. DH realising that any inheritance will not come until his retirement age & for a long time will be in the hands of MIL if FIL goes first, or the reverse.

basically, taking control over your own future & supporting DH to do that (he’ll be mired currently in FOG).

my EXH went back after we divorced. Still no inheritance, still working all hours for a pittance, still at the mercy of (in his case) MIL and FIL. Approaching retirement age himself. Full of regret and bitterness. Family relationships utterly toxic.

Don’t let your DH be my ex.

Healingvibes · 13/08/2023 17:29

Apologies but I've not RTHT. However, I've read your posts and some of the suggestions. I would definitely take up the kind offer to sending a PM to the person in a similar situation.

You and your DH sound like decent, kind, hardworking people who are committed to each other and your DC. Don't risk losing that. It must be galling to potentially walk away from your family home that you've invested so much money in. But you can build a new, much happier life.

I'm not sure if this has been raised by others but I would be very concerned about how your PIL treat your DC. Conniving manipulators tend not to mellow with age, as I'm sure you've already witnessed. I would be very concerned at how they may try to influence your DC now and as they get older. The last thing you need is for them to be turned against you.

Wishing you many much happier years ahead.

farmingfamilybs · 13/08/2023 17:42

And there's a real stigma from "losing the farm"...either to divorce or not carrying on.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 13/08/2023 17:57

farmingfamilybs · 13/08/2023 17:42

And there's a real stigma from "losing the farm"...either to divorce or not carrying on.

Well, since this farm is not the OP's, nor her husband's, to keep or lose, it's rather a moot point.

Husband doesn't own the farm, doesn't own the house they live in, doesn't have any prospects of either, isn't speaking to his family, doesn't work the farm and probably never will. And the OP is the breadwinner.

I am struggling to see what the dilemma or crossroads is. The pure facts are that you don't like where you live. If so, why not move?

Husband can dream about inheriting the farm, winning the lottery or becoming a WWII flying ace. All about equally as likely. He shouldn't be holding his family hostage to an unrealistic pipe dream.

farmingfamilybs · 13/08/2023 17:59

Ah, but he thinks he will maintain the line. He clearly doesn't believe he's getting shafted.

ilovetomatosoup · 13/08/2023 18:30

But I just feel so bad about it. I feel like it’s all my fault.

You might be doing him a favour by getting out. This situation cannot be good for any of you and time is passing by. FIL will ensure MIL inherits- who is not speaking to your DH. There are golden siblings in the mix as well. FIL as told your DH he will inherit to keep him close and available to help, that is all. This whole situation is a cost sunk fallacy, you both need to let it go and move on with your lives.

Farming families are so traditional. I have a friend (female) who is an only child and worked with her parents on their farm all her life. Their will stated the farm would go to her male cousins (who do not farm) when they died, she could not inherit as she was female.

NotStayingIn · 13/08/2023 20:19

NaiveIdiot · 13/08/2023 11:52

I did this. Calmly told them that I had had enough of being bullied and belittled, and that they needed to treat me with a modicum of respect for us to mend relations and all be happier.

It was met with an absolute tirade of abuse the like of which I’ve never experienced. In summary they will never respect me because I’m worse than shit and my family are poor and I’m nothing more than a gold digger etc etc.

I haven’t spoken to either of them since. There’s no mending of relations to be done with these people.

Show quote history

But then for me the relationship would be over. He didn't take your side. That would be the end for me. I know you think you have an in-law problem (which of course I agree with, you do) but the reason you are stuck in this shit show is because you have a DH problem. He hasn't put you before his family, surely that is your answer in all of this.

whatchagonnado · 13/08/2023 21:24

I think you both need to plan for a future free from DH's family now, however you can possibly do that. They have such deep control with you in your current situation. Could you become tenant farmers elsewhere and move your cattle to another farm? That is your own and out of reach of this nasty bunch.

Your DH is not going to get anything other than being evicted when FIL passes.

You gotta plan to get out of this situation now

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 13/08/2023 21:44

You've already plowed 150k into a house you don't own. You could have bought one by now. Take control and go and buy a home that you can both live in.

Itslookinggood · 14/08/2023 01:27

To add to post above - it gets worse as in laws get older too. They become less physically capable, so DH will have to pick up,the slack; more erratic; more fiercely controlling as they see their lives ebbing away. Sibling tensions rise.

not just my EXh family but many farming families locally.

break while you can, op. If you leave it to that point, the guilt may well be too much for dh. He needs to exit while they are capable.

chimamandafan · 14/08/2023 10:05

SFRSmum · 13/08/2023 13:22

We were in a very similar situation, bar the fall out, we acutally got on fairly well back then and made the choice to walk away

3 brothers, only DH worked on the farm. Was constantly promised that he would get the farm in the end and never received any wages although did have a house rent free and his mum did all his cooking and washing before we met. He also has a 8hr a week pt job completely unrelated to farming so had a small income of his own he used for personal spends but is by no means a big spender.

Elderly parents so he ran the whole farm and Any contracting off farm that he did was put straight into the business.

We survived solely on my income and DH was working all hours to support his parents and older brother who didn't work.

We lived in the farm cottage which was uninhabitable to be honest, I spent 20k of my own money to make it liveable, under the promise that I'd get the money back. Never happened.

We lasted 2 years in the house. Then I moved out and DH came too. The farm was sold. Set up his own contracting business and we are so much better off financially.

FiL died about 6 months after we left. The will split his estate between the 2 older brothers. DH got 5k. It hadn't been altered in 10 years.

I no longer speak to his family. I'm disgusted in the lot of them. DH is far nicer than me and keeps the peace.

I don't think this is very unusual, sadly. I know two cases where the older children have gone off and made good careers for themselves and the youngest child has taken on the farm to support parents through their later life — and, like you say, with meagre pay and no pension provision because they're promised the farm at the end. The parents get difficult and controlling, go through vet bills and contractor bills and tut and say 'How much? You're spending our money like water...' and fall out with the youngest. They watch the older ones, now businessmen or lawyers or actuaries (taken from real-life examples I'm thinking of) driving new their Range Rovers and buying holiday homes in Portugal and Florida and they think 'If only they had taken on the farm they would have done so much better'. When they die and the will is read it turns out that they've left the farm to one of the other children, usually the eldest boy. These days the law recognises the input of the youngest one and they can overturn the will (hence the influx of expensive solicitors into farming areas) but at a cost of hundreds of thousands and the destruction of the family.

My parents farmed. None of the siblings were interested in taking it over and our parents were okay with that, so they built a bungalow on one far corner of the land for themselves to retire to and let the farm out to a tenant farmer for a pension. When they died the farm and the bungalow were left to us jointly on the understanding that we had to agree what to do with it. We sold it and shared the money equally. The solicitor who did my parents wills and handled the sale etc said 'If only all farming families were so sensible...'

SFRSmum · 14/08/2023 10:14

chimamandafan · 14/08/2023 10:05

I don't think this is very unusual, sadly. I know two cases where the older children have gone off and made good careers for themselves and the youngest child has taken on the farm to support parents through their later life — and, like you say, with meagre pay and no pension provision because they're promised the farm at the end. The parents get difficult and controlling, go through vet bills and contractor bills and tut and say 'How much? You're spending our money like water...' and fall out with the youngest. They watch the older ones, now businessmen or lawyers or actuaries (taken from real-life examples I'm thinking of) driving new their Range Rovers and buying holiday homes in Portugal and Florida and they think 'If only they had taken on the farm they would have done so much better'. When they die and the will is read it turns out that they've left the farm to one of the other children, usually the eldest boy. These days the law recognises the input of the youngest one and they can overturn the will (hence the influx of expensive solicitors into farming areas) but at a cost of hundreds of thousands and the destruction of the family.

My parents farmed. None of the siblings were interested in taking it over and our parents were okay with that, so they built a bungalow on one far corner of the land for themselves to retire to and let the farm out to a tenant farmer for a pension. When they died the farm and the bungalow were left to us jointly on the understanding that we had to agree what to do with it. We sold it and shared the money equally. The solicitor who did my parents wills and handled the sale etc said 'If only all farming families were so sensible...'

Show quote history

This is how my family did it (also from a farming family) it was very hard for me to bite my tounge and not comment on lack of future planning. In our family everyone knew what was happening, who was getting what and it was all very, very fair. Everyone knew what they were working for, imo it made everyone put more effort in too.

Your example of the 'successful' older brothers also rings true in my DHs situation.

His brothers were both fully funded through uni but when it got to my DH his parents said there was no money left and guilted him into working at home as they would loose the farm. (They wouldn't have, they'd have had to sell, completely different imo)

senua · 14/08/2023 11:19

Your example of the 'successful' older brothers also rings true in my DHs situation.
I must admit that I wondered if a parallel twisted logic could be applied to OP's DH. He has mostly left the family business and set up in farming on his own account i.e. he has made a success elsewhere, standing on his own two feet; he obviously doesn't need the inheritance and is invested (literally and figuratively) off-Farm so lets give it to one of the other siblings ...
Wouldn't that be a kick in the teeth.

Tiddlywinks63 · 14/08/2023 12:44

I know one farmer’s son who was too frightened of his mother (his father was dead) to tell her he had a girlfriend. After 7 years they married very quietly because the girlfriend was pregnant and the mother immediately started proceedings to disinherit the son.

pikkumyy77 · 14/08/2023 13:52

The only power a person in the Dh’s situation has is the power to pull the plug. He has a tiny chance of earning his parents respect—or fear—by leaving. No chance by swirling in their wake like a dried leaf. Walk away formally and they will realize the non farming sublings ate not up to the task and they might reconsider (they probably wont) but by refusing to have a blow up with them he is leaving all the power in their hands. And they are in it for the power and control. The farm and money are just the tools.

LizzyButtons · 05/09/2023 15:22

I’m in a similar situation. 19 years in and still ongoing. I’m utterly exhausted with it all. I have been unable to really move as I’m registered disabled. As I say I’ve been worn into the ground. Very similar set up.

Turfwars · 05/09/2023 16:04

See similar situations many times.

Even in our own family, one thing was said for decades to us all and yet, in secret, the favourite was offered a bigger chunk.

Original poster
NaiveIdiot · 08/09/2023 12:04

Thanks everyone.
I’ve decided that I am getting out. Together or alone, whether it ends up better or worse. All I know is that I can’t stay in this situation any longer.

OP posts:
heldinadream · 08/09/2023 12:59

@NaiveIdiot that's fantastic that you've got to a place where you can make that decision OP. What's the plan?
Best of luck.

LizzyButtons · 08/09/2023 14:49

I wish you all the very best and hope that your decision will bring you some peace and help you to find happiness.

krustykittens · 08/09/2023 14:59

The best of luck, OP, I really hope your DH goes with you.