I am at a massive crossroads in my life and have no idea which way to turn.

[NaiveIdiot]

I have been stupid, I know that. I need to take decisive action, but I just can’t see the wood for the trees.

10 years ago I married DH. He is from a well-off farming family. I am not, and his family have always been fairly nasty to me for being ‘poor’ with ‘rough parents’ and a ‘gold digger’ (I’m not either btw, I’m just a normal person from a normal family with normal jobs in an end terrace. Not that it matters). Also because I have a regional northern dialect whilst they don’t (southern England and v posh).

For the last ten years I have lived in a house with DH on the family farm. We have spent around £150k renovating it to a beautiful standard on the understanding it would be ours. However FIL has never signed it over to us on the excuse that I will then divorce DH and take half.

DH has always had it implied to him that he will take over the farm one day, but I can’t see that ever happening. In fact I would be astounded. DH is adamant that his father (who is a very difficult and unpleasant man) will not let him down. I am convinced he will, and that heartache and trouble lie ahead.

To cut an extremely long story short, I have now spent over ten years living in a place I hate, where I don’t fit in and have no friends. His family have bullied me relentlessly which is a whole thread of its own. I am hours away from all my friends and grow further apart from them every year.

We live in and maintain a house that we don’t own and I believe never will.

DH does not see it this way. He is sure his dad will come through. He has tried to discuss it with FIL but FIL will not make known his plans for succession. DH has 2 sisters and a brother, none interested in farming but one is a golden child who definitely wants the lot (and I believe will get it).

I have issued an ultimatum that I can’t live like this, that he needs to find out what his dads future plans are, so that we can leave and make our own lives. He tried but his dad wouldn’t tell him.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want the place, I want to be hours away from these awful people and awful memories, I don’t want a single penny from them and I want our own home.
DH is very enmeshed in stately homes thread childhood, he wants his childhood dream of farming at home. I don’t believe he’ll ever get it, but if I push for us to leave now then he will resent me forever.

On the other hand if I leave on my own with the kids, I can’t support them as they’re used to living. And they’d resent me forever too as they love their dad, who is a very kind and decent person.

It sounds like the right choice.

@NaiveIdiot i wish you the best.

And really hope your DH isn’t so deep
in the FOG to decide to stay rather than follow you.

I hope you have some support in RL too

Thank you. I hope so too.

Sadly I don’t have anyone in real life. I don’t fit in here and have never managed to make friends. I had lots of really good friends before, but after being 6 hours apart for over a decade, with children and families etc, I’ve largely drifted apart/been cut adrift. It’s not their fault.

Today is not a good day. But at least I have made the decision.

But to be honest I can’t remember the last time it WAS a good day.

I used to cope by distracting myself with jobs, always being busy and getting loads done, immaculate house and garden etc. Now I’m just sitting in an untidy kitchen with clutter piling up. Grass not cut. School clothes not washed. Moaning now sorry. No wonder I’ve got no friends.

Honestly I do think that making the decision and moving forward from the crossroads will bring you to a point where you will be able to make more friends. In the meantime, don't be too quick to be sure that really old friends wouldn't love to talk to you. I struggle to pick up the phone these days but why not message one of them and ask for a phone chat?

Be kind to yourself. You've tried but the dynamics are too difficult.

Get the kitchen sink clean, do a bit of washing, get a plan sorted.

You sound properly depressed, once you start moving, things will feel better.

People can adjust around you, that's their decision.

Thank you so much for your kindness in taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it 💐

Dear OP: it sounds like you are at the bottom of the climb and feeling exhausted and frightened about what lies ahead. I just wanted to come back and give you some support and praise. Its not easy to be sighted in the land of the blind. Its not easy to be treated like Cassandra when you are, like Cassandra, right about what is going on. This is a lonely moment for you.

But from another perspective its just the start of a new life of freedom and joy. If you plan to move home to where you had roots and friends just pretend to yourself that you are moving back from overseas and plan to pick up where you left off! Many of your old friends will be thrilled, im sure!

How are you feeling now, @NaiveIdiot ?

How did things end up for you @NaiveIdiot?