Things your parents didn't believe in

[Aspergallus]

Inspired by the Timotei thread where someone mentioned that their mum didn't believe in hair conditioner, I realised there is actually quite a long list of things my parents didn't believe in that still leave me, at nearly 50 with DC of my own, feeling like I'm being ridiculously extra for doing every day things:

Hair conditioner as above -deemed totally unnecessary, not a real thing, and drain blocking by my parents. I had long, dry curly hair...

Vitamins -I bought my own as a teen as I thought it might help with acne. They behaved like I was shooting up H.

Make up. My mum believed that all make up (but particularly foundation) was the cause of all skin aging and would tell me (when I was wearing it to hide teenage acne) that once I was 40 I would look older than her as a result.

Tampons. Apparently if you used tampons, you'd have to go for a D&C every year or so due to "build up".

Deodorant. Not necessary if you washed apparently. They considered it something dirty people used in lieu of washing.

Sunglasses, especially when driving. Could make you go blind. Like the reading in the dark old wives tale. As a result my mum spend many a summer gardening with no eye protection and got early cataracts. Yet she still looks at me suspiciously, like I might crash, if I put them on to drive on a sunny day.

Contact lenses -seriously dangerous in their view.

Sun block -they were of that generation that used baby oil and encouraged me to do the same because I was so pale and unhealthy.

Changing job -you got one job and stuck with it or your CV would be ruined forever. And they took this literally, expecting me to stick with chambermaiding as a 17 year old. When I was in a professional role and given rotating training -shifting every 6 months, they were horrified. I'd never work again etc.

Hobbies including sport. They simply did not believe in hobbies or interests unless you were going to make it your whole life's devotion, career or it was going to take you to the Olympics. The idea that you might try something out, and not stick with it was outrageous.

I think my parents might have been particularly odd. There are other examples I can't bring myself to say out loud.

Please tell me other people have similar tales of things their parents didn't believe in...

My mum cdnt imagine that I had different interests to her, or liked different things or wanted to do something different to her etc etc. She basically cdnt imagine that I was a separate person to her . She still doesn't and refers to us as we. Definitely a narcissist thing so I wont elaborate on many of the other things ppl here will be familiar with. No wash8ng, no cleaning, no mention of sex ever. Life was all about her only

Taking a taxi anywhere (my mother still looks horrified if we suggest it)
Eating out (hideously expensive and we can make it cheaper at home)

We werent allowed to watch ITV (born 73 and 75) as it was "common".

Turns out, after we were old enough to stay up later, that the sneaky cow was watching Emmerdale Farm and Coronation Street!

She worked Saturday mornings and we stayed home with my father if he wasnt working or with Grandparents if he was. He liked TISWAS so we got to watch that at home and Grandparents didnt mind what we watched so it was all good at the weekend!

Agree with the bike 'saddle too high' comments above. My ex used to insist on this for our sons. I thought it was bloody dangerous for children as they couldn't stop safely by putting their feet down to steady themselves if they had to brake hard. They were young boys for god's sake, not Olympians.

My mum always cut my hair, it was a mess and she insisted on dying it lighter too, I had no choice. She thought of me as the doll she never had, kept cutting my hair until not much left. I took my kid to the hairdresser age 4 as before then it was cute long hair.
Looking after Yr kid. My mum doesn't ever remember giving me a bottle, cos she thinks she never did, my gran was here and brought me up.
Women working, or herself in particular. Only married my dad so she cd stay inI bed for the rest of her life, which she has stuck to religiously, not cos she's old or anything, it's just what she's always done. Told me to watch movies with her whn I was pregnant as I had to get used to that life. She sat around watching TV and sleeping after having me. I don't get to sleep much as a parent and run my own business.
Washing, she still berates me for having a bath, ever. Not cos she prefers showers, she just doesn't approve of washing and stinks! Her room smells of rotting corpses.

I’m so sorry, same for me. That lonely coldness never quite goes. I really hope things are better for you now, and you’ve managed to love yourself.

On some level I am impressed by the confidence of some of these parents! I second guess and over analyse everything. Even when I have to make snap decisions I constantly revise and wonder if it was right. I'd ask a friend or family member. I can't imagine getting a nonsensical notion and being so confident to stick with it for years! They truly did believe in their parenting decisions.

Another thing I've noted is the amount of pp who say their parents way has inspired them to make sure they do the opposite with their children. But if the parents are questioned as to their rationale they say its just how they were brought up. So why the difference in approaches? Why do some people perpetuate their parents ways while others can stand back and critically analyse and decide no, I'll do it differently. Do the first group not remember the humiliating childhood experiences, or do they lack the intellect / self esteem/ education to critically analyse their own lives?

That’s because adults were always right and children were treated as nuisances who were expected to toe the line.

I think to some extent it is modellling . Friends, other relatives, mentors. I think a lot about my mother in law who had many faults, but I try to emulate her good qualities. My mother was just not there for me emotionally or any other way really so I have no template from her .

Also hobbies. I begged my parents for piano lessons for years, and even saved up for some, but they said it was a waste of money. I spent all my free time from the age of 13 to the day I went to uni either working at a shop, waitressing, or studying. Hence burnout in my 20s, until I started to learn how to relax and allow myself to do things I enjoy for the sake of them!

University. They said people 'like us' don't go to uni, and that I was trying to be something I was not. Told me i had to leave home and get a job at 16. This was in 2005! I was very academic and my head of year called them for a meeting to persuade them to support me. I did eventually go, but they really resented it.

Sixth Form/college. For lazy kids who can't face the reality of the real world apparently. They think kids should be in work from 16.

Holidays. Another waste of money and time, and too much hassle. The prospect of relaxing and experiencing any kind of enjoyment was just too out there for them.

My dad thought cystitis was only caused by sex and was horrified when I, as a single student had a bad dose of it "what HAVE you been up to, young lady??"

This is so sad, your poor DD.

Confident? Or rigid? To be honest it seems more like fearful of new things, opposite of confidence. Particularly if it leads to them invalidating or crushing the self worth of their children. I wouldn't say those who bully are confident.

that brought back a memory

Got cystisis at 14, have had bad attacks all my life, no idea why. Mother called me a slut as only sexually active women get "the honeymoon disease". She was convinced from then on I was shagging from 14, that was all the proof she needed.

Yet another case of Embarrassement Amnesia when I brought it up last year after I had to have a camera in my bladder to rule out cancer after I had a bad attack over several weeks that simply wouldnt be cleared up. She said "oh you have always had that havent you, I wonder why" and I said "so you have finally accepted that I wasnt having sex when I was 14?" and got accused of being an out and out liar. It. Never. Happened.

@ThatshallotBaby
for you too. 😃

@BogRollBOGOF Same here with feeding the girls in the family. I was encouraged to be very restrictive with my diet from a young age, which also lead to an ED. I was totally normal sized and active, but berated for having what was considered large helpings, or asking for more food, or for taking food or snacks from the cupboard without permission. I was made to have the diet or low fat versions of everything.

But my brother was allowed to help himself to whatever he wanted (a lot of junk food too) and it was seen as amusing that he was a growing boy who could just eat and eat and eat.

I'm so sorry. The being called a liar was the kind of thing that happened in my house too. To this day I doubt myself a lot. I don't know who I am.

My sister and I play bingo now. If we bring something up it will be 50/50 between "It never happened, you two just make things up" and her completely justifying attrocious behaviour towards us because we deserved it.

We actually laugh about it now. We will call each other "I mentioned X event when we were kids" "Oh, was it all our fault or did it just never happen?" Its how we have come to peace with it really.

My sister and I do debrief in a similar way over things from our childhood. For a long time she downplayed and denied things were that has for either of us but like me, now she is out of it, she can see more clearly.

Dr White's looped sanitary towels and those horrible sanitary belts!
Oh god, yes. I was 13 when l started (nearly 52 years ago now) and my mother produced those. I was horrified.
Eventually progressed on to 'Kotex New Freedom' towels which fitted inside the Kotex knickers which had a sort of clip to attach the pads. Still not exactly unobtrusive, but at least you didn't have that vile belt. That was the stuff of nightmares, especially at school PE time.
It was a revelation when l started to use tampons.

I don’t have any odd one the only that stuck to me the most was my parents refused to give me any treats or special attention or even merit to any of my successes . My sister was the golden child who had good grades because she studied super hard . I on the other hand had equally or better grades but never needed to study like she did , therefore I never deserved merit in their eyes , I was seen as a troublemaker as I questioned everything as I was super inquisitive and I think the fact I had amazing grades partly annoyed them as in their words I did not deserve them . To this day it haunts me , specially because my misbehaving was actually ADHD possibly ASD , but no way recognised 30 something years ago .

Any sort of mental health problems.

When I was diagnosed with post natal depression my mother came around one day to tell me she had been watching This Morning and they were talking 'about that thing you have' !

When I told my dad my son might me autistic, he said 'no you dont want him to have anything like that'!

Does conditioner make your head sticky though? You don’t need a lot and it’s not necessary to apply directly to your scalp. That tends to be shampoos job to cleanse scalp and the conditioner for the ends of hair. Although you seem to think split ends is a made up thing? Of course it’s not made up! Hair fibres split and over time due to brushing, natural shedding, hormonal drops and surges and thus causing split ends.
Do you not notice the difference in your hair texture after a nice little trim? Surely?

Does conditioner make your head sticky though? You don’t need a lot and it’s not necessary to apply directly to your scalp. That tends to be shampoos job to cleanse scalp and the conditioner for the ends of hair. Although you seem to think split ends is a made up thing? Of course it’s not made up! Hair fibres split and over time due to brushing, natural shedding, hormonal drops and surges and thus causing split ends.
Do you not notice the difference in your hair texture after a nice little trim? Surely?