Things your parents didn't believe in

[Aspergallus]

Inspired by the Timotei thread where someone mentioned that their mum didn't believe in hair conditioner, I realised there is actually quite a long list of things my parents didn't believe in that still leave me, at nearly 50 with DC of my own, feeling like I'm being ridiculously extra for doing every day things:

Hair conditioner as above -deemed totally unnecessary, not a real thing, and drain blocking by my parents. I had long, dry curly hair...

Vitamins -I bought my own as a teen as I thought it might help with acne. They behaved like I was shooting up H.

Make up. My mum believed that all make up (but particularly foundation) was the cause of all skin aging and would tell me (when I was wearing it to hide teenage acne) that once I was 40 I would look older than her as a result.

Tampons. Apparently if you used tampons, you'd have to go for a D&C every year or so due to "build up".

Deodorant. Not necessary if you washed apparently. They considered it something dirty people used in lieu of washing.

Sunglasses, especially when driving. Could make you go blind. Like the reading in the dark old wives tale. As a result my mum spend many a summer gardening with no eye protection and got early cataracts. Yet she still looks at me suspiciously, like I might crash, if I put them on to drive on a sunny day.

Contact lenses -seriously dangerous in their view.

Sun block -they were of that generation that used baby oil and encouraged me to do the same because I was so pale and unhealthy.

Changing job -you got one job and stuck with it or your CV would be ruined forever. And they took this literally, expecting me to stick with chambermaiding as a 17 year old. When I was in a professional role and given rotating training -shifting every 6 months, they were horrified. I'd never work again etc.

Hobbies including sport. They simply did not believe in hobbies or interests unless you were going to make it your whole life's devotion, career or it was going to take you to the Olympics. The idea that you might try something out, and not stick with it was outrageous.

I think my parents might have been particularly odd. There are other examples I can't bring myself to say out loud.

Please tell me other people have similar tales of things their parents didn't believe in...

Oh bless you. Are you me.

I'm sorry, but I very much do believe in fabric softener (born 1959), as did my late DM (born 1931). She started using it as soon as it became available here. My late DF didn't use it and his towels were stiff and unpleasant (parents divorced).

I realise people do have opposing views on its use however, neither is wrong or right.

I really am startled at some of the things many parents didn't believe in however, and many of these parents were born later than mine were. Even my paternal GPs were quite modern, especially my GM.

OMG..sat here read all the comments and nodding in agreement at most of them. I thought it was only me.

In my world I was born in 1972 I was brought up to believe buying a house is for other people not us, our betters thats what the people were called our betters. They have rented all their lives and the money they have thrown away lining someone elses pockets astounds me. They bowed and scraped and still do believing men are better than women.Women should get married have babies and be grateful and satisfied at that. We should be cleaners at a push doing for our betters.
Also even now in my 52 nd year,nothing I say is trusted, How would I know out any given topic? They will suggest asking a mister who will know and believe anyone but me. Doctors are gods,so are policemen and everyone is our betters. I mean ffs. My dad died believing this. my mum who now expects/demands its my turn to do my duty to abandon my husband and kids to look after her now as she should be my number one priority still believes the same shit she always did

"North and South", attachment parenting, encouraging sports or achievements at school, letting us kids have a say on holiday plans, inviting our friends over for playdates and sleepovers, talking to us about sexuality / body stuff. I used to ask myself daily why I didn't have lovely, normal parents like the majority of my friends.

Each other

😆
My flatmate and I back in the 1980s had physical jobs with paints and solvents and things- we had Swarfega in our bathroom where other lasses had hand cream. I'd forgotten all about Swarfega until I read your post. Your post made me check- they still make it!

"Doctors are gods,so are policemen and everyone is our betters. I mean ffs. My dad died believing this."
I nearly died myself because I accepted the 'do as the doctor says' crap from my parents. Needless to say, I no longer do.

Deodorant

Sanitary towels-rationed regular tampax the only option no matter what.

That teachers might be sexually abusive.

That it matters what you wear/look like.

That looking in a mirror means you are vain. It can’t be because you’re anxious.

That boys are the only desirable children.

Putting the central heating on before November and promptly off again at the end of February. No temperature to be taken into consideration.

Wearing glasses - it would apparently make your eyes lazy. They had 20/20 vision (another myth) therefore I could not be short sighted. I struggled through A-levels unable to see the board or read any of my books. My grades took a dive as a result.

Warm house and warmth generally - the wind whistled through the house. The foot of my bed was icy. I had to get dressed under the covers. Our winter coats were inadequate for the bitter north of England winds.

Everything I grew up with was not for the likes of us, It was what other people who were better than us did. Bowing and scraping to anybody,Even the language they used was odd. There was a woman on our street,same house as us,same kids who went to our school same everything who was rejoiced and revered as she walked past our house with her hair done off to bingo..every time it was pronounced "look at her shes a real lady"....utterly bizarre.Why were we so inferior to everyone else in their eyes when my dad earned more than they did? None of my childhood made sense.

I'm a good bit older than you, and I've never used moisturiser (or, indeed, any thing other than soap) on my face since I was a teenager- and not much then. Am I very unusual or what? Do most people use it all the time?
I don't wear makeup, so maybe that's why I don't need it?

I picked up some new specs today and spontaneously remembered some of my parents odd ideas about eyesight/glasses, now wondering if others experienced similar...I am actually so surprised that a lot of what I mentioned at the start wasn't just us.

My parents didn't believe in getting kids eyes tested. There were several parts to this.
-not their responsibility; up to the school and the school nurse, so even though both were short-sighted and wore glasses they never got my eyes tested
-i was told off and mocked for unattractively squinting at stuff; avoiding looking unattractive was important
-they didn't think glasses on kids were attractive or a good use of money

Unfortunately at the school eye test my severe myopia was missed; I distinctly remember being told it was so bad I must be pretending and being sent away for my bad behaviour. They'd held up a white board in a pale grey room so I could barely work out where the board even was. Eventually at 12 I went to the optician myself, had a test and my terrible myopia was finally discovered. This led to another belief...

My mum believes that you must not be able to see your own glasses frame when you are wearing them. So from age 12 to about 17 I wore massive NHS issue Deirdre Barlow style glasses so that I could not see the frame.

I discovered a couple of years ago that their weird ideas persist -children's eyesight simply not being important enough to correct. They visited, saw that one of my kids had glasses and said "What did you get him them for?" (pointing at said child, with disgusted face, him being spoken about like he wasn't there). Obviously I said, "because he needs them, he's short-sighted". The reply was "Yes, I don't mean that...WHY did you get him glasses?" Mind-blowing.

Toilet roll. DM had it we have old newspaper the cardboard roll. Used to steal it from pubs 😐went period came was awfull

@ilovesushi hah! Cross posted with you on the specs!

😂Tinned meat custard!!!😂Chunky chicken on toast!!

@Aspergallus same. My brother and I took ourselves off the optician to get our eyes tested because despite us saying for years we couldn't see, we were always fobbed off that it couldn't be true because their eyes were perfect. I think a lot of it was a vanity thing. DM thought our looks would be spoiled by glasses.

@whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher same. I was always fighting against the ideas about the "things that were not for us" -afterschool clubs, gymnastics (I was too fat), any other sports (same reason; too fat not good enough), even nice clothes etc. I still have a habit of not buying things that are too nice and "for other people". Where I finally drew the line and changed, I suppose, the course my life was on, was when "university is not for us". I had done well at school, despite not being able to see properly for the first 7 years and was quite sure that uni was the route to being independent from them. I got onto a course to a professional qualification and in a hail of objections -selfish, layabout students, sponging off the state, you won't be able to do this, you won't stick with it, you should be staying at home and paying rent to repay us etc etc- I went ahead. There was a little bit relenting with a late plan that I should get a job, pay rent and could go to night school if I wanted. But it was total nonsense, not a qualification that could be done at night school.

All mental illness is just pretend. People should pull themselves together/stop attention-seeking.

Anyone else’s physical illness ditto.
Their own illness is of course completely different. That’s mahoosive.

Children don’t need glasses.

@ilovesushi really makes you feel like an ornament/property doesn't it, if it doesn't even matter that you can see!

My dad was like this too, unless I was going to be the new bjorn Borg there was no need for me to take up tennis at age 10, it was far too late.

I think many of these attitudes were just normal accepted behaviour for the times. Attitudes were passed down through the generations and started as a response to specific, often economic or cultural circumstances.

Not eating in the street marked a person out as someone who had a proper home with a dining table and cutlery. Which meant they weren’t paupers or servants .
Sharing baths was a reflection of the cost of heating water and a throwback to times when families used a tin bath in front of the fire before plumbing was a thing. It was difficult and expensive to heat water.

Not wasting food was a remnant of war time and rationing as well as the result of hardship and poverty. Large families meant no waste at all. Food was expensive and every little thing was eked out.

Not drinking water stems from water being contaminated until water treatments and plumbing improved enough for it to be drunk from a tap . Many working class families didn’t have access to a well , or couldn’t be sure water was clean. It was the source of infection quite often. Therefore watered down beer was drunk by all , including children. Plain water was also the drink of the poor who couldn’t afford anything else, which seems confusing but makes sense.

Hand me down clothes were the result of poverty . Clothes were expensive and in large families were handed down from the oldest child to the youngest.

There was a suspicion of TV advertising and the pushing of material items that many couldn’t afford and which generated alarm. ‘Commercial channels’ were seen to be low class in comparison to the BBC which was trusted as a fount of information and entertainment that was wholesome and trustworthy because it wasn’t for profit:

Bathing whilst ill or menstruating was viewed as unwise because a person in a perceived weakened state could get a chill and die. In the days before doctors were affordable to ordinary people, getting ill was a very alarming thing which could easily lead to death. My father in law was horrified when my kids didn’t wear slippers in the winter I case they ‘caught their death’. This is where the phrase comes from. My grandmother insisted that her sister had died as the result of washing her hair whilst menstruating.

Silence about sex and periods was the result of shame and trauma. Generations of women married with no idea what sex involved. Given religious conditioning also, it must have been very frightening to find out on their wedding day what was expected of them. I imagine it wasn’t an enjoyable experience when the men concerned had no skills or understanding of female anatomy or pleasure. Women who enjoyed sex were considered to be little better than whores. It was very important for ‘decent’ women to distinguish themselves from whores both in behaviour and appearance. So wearing too much make up and wearing revealing clothes sent the wrong message to men .

Many women also knew nothing about periods . My grandmother told me she thought she was bleeding to death. No one had explained to her what would happen. My other grandmother’s mother forbade her children from ever knowing about sex.

It’s easy to make judgements, but all these attitudes came from conditioning. Even the ‘seen and not heard’ Victorian attitudes to children. With very large families in cramped conditions with little access to outdoor space, and limited finances, a hierarchy of importance was a way to maintain order and quiet. My grandfathers family of ten children were trained to sit on a stair each whilst their mother rested in the afternoon.

I think that’s really to do with expense. If you can’t feed your family, paying for expensive hobbies is a luxury for the rich. It’s also to do with time. Children were expected to help out in the family . Hobbies were an indulgence which no one could afford , either adult or child. It’s a modern idea.

My mother did not believe in:

Having more then a two inch deep bath, more than once a week. Water aged your skin.

Using more than a couple of sheets of loo paper.

Crying at all and, in particular, too much. Very few people had legitimate reasons to cry and it was dreadfully attention seeking and ageing.

Comprehensive Education from which she saved her kids by sending us to private school.

Having any reason to be weak or miserable if your parents were spending thousands on tour education.

Having anybody question her or answer her back. Ever. If you did dare to, then corporal punishment was an immediate consequence.

My mother put Lenor fabric softener on me when my long hair got tangled...this was during a time when the fashion was for almost all girls to have long hair and usually were blighted by ribbons. My hair was thin, easily tangled and a bob would have been a blessing 😂
Another rather odd one...when Cabbage Patch dolls first came out I was desperate for one (the original OOAK dolls in the early 80's) but I was forbidden to have one because my mother 'had heard' that they were imported complete with the trapped souls of the Dead (no disrespect intended to anyone). My mother spent most of her time listening to Radio 4 and I greatly doubt this was featured on 'Woman's Hour'!😂But she was genuinely terrified of the dolls. My friend had one and she would not let it in the house. Weird.