Things your parents didn't believe in

[Aspergallus]

Inspired by the Timotei thread where someone mentioned that their mum didn't believe in hair conditioner, I realised there is actually quite a long list of things my parents didn't believe in that still leave me, at nearly 50 with DC of my own, feeling like I'm being ridiculously extra for doing every day things:

Hair conditioner as above -deemed totally unnecessary, not a real thing, and drain blocking by my parents. I had long, dry curly hair...

Vitamins -I bought my own as a teen as I thought it might help with acne. They behaved like I was shooting up H.

Make up. My mum believed that all make up (but particularly foundation) was the cause of all skin aging and would tell me (when I was wearing it to hide teenage acne) that once I was 40 I would look older than her as a result.

Tampons. Apparently if you used tampons, you'd have to go for a D&C every year or so due to "build up".

Deodorant. Not necessary if you washed apparently. They considered it something dirty people used in lieu of washing.

Sunglasses, especially when driving. Could make you go blind. Like the reading in the dark old wives tale. As a result my mum spend many a summer gardening with no eye protection and got early cataracts. Yet she still looks at me suspiciously, like I might crash, if I put them on to drive on a sunny day.

Contact lenses -seriously dangerous in their view.

Sun block -they were of that generation that used baby oil and encouraged me to do the same because I was so pale and unhealthy.

Changing job -you got one job and stuck with it or your CV would be ruined forever. And they took this literally, expecting me to stick with chambermaiding as a 17 year old. When I was in a professional role and given rotating training -shifting every 6 months, they were horrified. I'd never work again etc.

Hobbies including sport. They simply did not believe in hobbies or interests unless you were going to make it your whole life's devotion, career or it was going to take you to the Olympics. The idea that you might try something out, and not stick with it was outrageous.

I think my parents might have been particularly odd. There are other examples I can't bring myself to say out loud.

Please tell me other people have similar tales of things their parents didn't believe in...

My mam insisted babies fit into your routine not the other way as did most mothers my mams age or older that I met. Non had any issue with out 'unusual' lifestyle.

DH worked nights, so we where nocturnal and DS naturally fell into that too... it was fine for 2 years. We even had a deal with the local soft play who use to open at night just for us as it was part of a building that was open late anyway and in summer it would still be light and warm at the local huge park all evening.

Health visitor very much did NOT agree and was aghast at our 'lack of routine' (we had routine it was just the opposite to the 'norm'). They forced us to change it under threat of forcefully intervening.

Lots of rolled eyes from older mams about how kids dont need to be forced to nap on the set scheduled we where 'prescribed'.

I have thick curly hair. Conditioner is a godsend.

I also get split ends. You can actually see them because my hairs so thick, like pull them apart.

I was born in 1960 and this has been a difficult read. Mother dismisses MH issues and thought that naice girls married well and did women centric things socially and domestically and is a narcissist and has spent decades putting me down. Stepndoes not believe women are equal to men and that homosexuality (men and women) is an illness and people should conform. However, in the 60s and 70s I had:

Baths when I wanted
Almost pick and mix sanitary products
Bath stuff, scent - Avon, Xanadu, Charlie and was allowed to dab Chanel No 5
was taught to do make-up properly
Had nice clothes and shoes
Tighta
contact lenses
highlights
was taught about not getting pg/facts of life - the nice girls and innocents got themselves into trouble
My gran’s approach was similar and she taught me to mix a Gin and It aged about 12.

I have still never pleased my mother but this thread has made me feel a bit Bridget Jones when she realised Mark Darcy just liked his pants folded when the other girls had been abused and pimped.

I’m 63 so I imagine the same age as some of your mothers. It’s unbelievable, Inwas girl about town in the 80s and had my DC mid 90s when some of you were going through this.

I wonder what my DC say about me. The eating in the street one for sure. I’d have got detention for that if seen and reported whilst in school uniform.

Thankfully my mother and gran brought me up to be quite shrewd.

Pouring more than a splash of fresh orange in to a tiny glass and never ever after breakfast time.

I indulge in fresh orange by the pint now (very occasionally)

Gosh, yes. It's so important to press your beliefs on others.

I have a dgd. She has thick curly hair. Her mother is a great believer in conditioner, and baby, at 11, is already skilfully managing her own hair. She washes the hair close to the scalp with shampoo, and the rest she conditions. A technique she learned online. If it helps (and it seems to) I have no problem with it.

But I think the rest of you are being conned. Have a nice evening.

Anyone else want to tell me they have thick hair and split ends? Really? I don't care what you believe, not one bit. I answered the question asked. Yet you must try to steamroller me into accepting whatever you say. No. You don't have to agree with me (I don't care) and I don't have to agree with you (and I certainly won't.)

That they knew better than I did what I was thinking. It took me years to stop believing that they knew me better than I knew my own mind. Linked to that saying 'take that look off your face' when I didn't even have a look on my face!

Very stingy with pain relief for me - I found my mum's stash of paracetamol when I was desperately looking for period pain relief after my mum telling me we didn't have any.

Saying that I was too young for glasses when my teacher in Year 7 suggested I needed a test. Thinking that the child who wears glasses is always bullied.

Angrily insisting that I needed to wear a bra 'for the support, you need the support' when I was very early on in my breast development. Conversely errupting with anger when I was a few years older and said I needed to measured as my bras were giving me backache. Equating large breasts to low morals.

Believing they were the best, most generous parents ever in comparison to our friends and acquaintancs, when they were bang average at best. Simultaneously also believing that discipline was important to stop children from going wayward.

If I was studying too much I was sad and boring and would be left behind on my social life. If I enjoyed some social times out I was neglecting my work at school and would amount to nothing. Same with having a boyfriend - important to be like everyone else, but not too much and neglect school work!

I was very glad to leave home and probably did it too young and had too much responsibility too soon and not enough freedom in the world with a loving, stable base.

Oddly enough I'm not sure it was a social norm - it was only in the late 90s/ early 2000s - I feel like generally most people would have been ok with talking about periods at that point. However, my grandparents on my mum's side were probably the most straight-laced people I have ever met. I remember when my mum was expecting my younger sibling and we had a cutesy family nickname for her bump/ the unborn sibling that we were warned not to use it while those grandparents were visiting because they'd have been absolutely scandalised! So while as I say, my mum did do a pretty good job of explaining periods etc, it's not surprising with her upbringing that she would find it hard to overcome a certain amount of embarrassment about it.

Showers they still strip wash now 🤷‍♀️ when we lived with them for a few months outraged I could have two showers in a day
dishwasher s
tumble dryers
mental health

splitting up when you have kids . When I told my dad I was splitting up with my partner as I didn’t love him any more as it was like living on eggshells . He replied what’s love got to do with it 🥴

Tiles on the wall as wallpaper … too damaging !!!

coffee out
drinking water

letting the petrol tank on the go under half way !!

contactless cards / any car park machines that don’t accept cash . Don’t trust them

sending any personal info by text or email

Thankfully nothing major been good parents on the whole !!!

Telling their children they loved them

I never heard the words 'I love you'from my parents but I never doubted they did. I think it's quite a modern thing to actually say it.

A lot in common with others, parents were born in the 40s and didn't believe in deodorant, washing more than twice a week, shaving body hair, putting th heating on. Also very into homeopathy and avoiding taking over the counter medication. I'm still shocked that dp reaches for paracetamol all the time. I've taken it about 3 times in my life!

Yes, conditioner, deodorant, showers (bath once a week). Drinking from the bottle. But also, education. I was made to leave school at 16, start at the bottom (running errands, making tea) and "work my way up" instead of actually studying something and getting a decent job. I got myself trained later but I still feel I missed out, just because they weren't educated and didn't think it mattered that I wasn't allowed to fulfil my potential.

My mum does not believe in:
-Sun lotion, lies made up by manufacturers. The correct way was to cover self completely when near sun.
-Conditioner ‘why would you put grease on your hair’
-Cooking things from frozen-defrosted bloody everything
-Wearing nice clothes post 18 yo-have been told am mutton dressed as lamb since!
-Curly hair-apparently I just need a good hair cut to stop my curly hair being frizzy without any styling. She claims I don’t have curly hair as hair is only curly when it is long.
-Animals getting into atic and people keeping caged pets by the wall. This came up because I have been investigating an animal in the roof-something she thinks is lies ‘animals don’t go into lofts’, this brought up a thing that happened years ago that the noise from next doors gerbil drove me insane-it was fine neighbour moved it, turns out my mum has thought I was having a nervous break down because ‘who keeps gerbils by the wall’
There is probably a million more.

Letting children believe in Father Christmas.
Heating was only for when guests were around.
Letting girls do anything - no parties. No learning to drive. No walking to school.
Buying sanpro. I got a big pack when I started and that was it.

Reading this thread has been odd for me. I’m ‘70s born. My parents were in many ways the opposite of many on here in terms of generosity/ permissiveness/ libertarianism. But they didn’t prepare me particularly well for the realities of life and I feel very ambivalent towards them (now both dead) looking back.

Things they didn’t believe in (these were mainly my mother. My father was pretty passive and rarely expressed a view):

• Restricting otc medicine. “You have a headache? Have an Anadin. It hasn’t kicked in yet? Have another.“
• Basic honesty! “Your teacher isn’t going to check you’ve done that work? Don’t bother. Why are you bothering? You’ll get away with it.” (I loved school and was very academic. I was doing it for the sake of learning. They never got this. They were happy enough to boast about my achievements, but did nothing to instil discipline in me. That is a problem to today. I do well because I am exceptionally good at the field I’m in, but I cannot easily make myself do things I don’t enjoy or find boring. As an ex said to me once, in rather distasteful terms: “you are no good at eating shit”! No, mate I never learned to!)
• Bedtimes or getting-up times. I was allowed to stay up late whenever I wanted to watch Hammer House of Horror and other age-inappropriate but delicious fare. I slept until lunchtime on non-schooldays.
• Nutrition/ a sensible diet. “You like (full-fat) Coke, love? Here, have another can.”
• Teaching me the value of money/ not being wasteful. “You don’t like that toy/ garment any more? I’ll buy you a new/different one.”

But, while on the one hand, spoiling, indulging, and pandering to me, on the other they did not recognise my basic needs:

• Making me visit my grandparents’ house for hours on end, where all doors and windows were permanently closed and they chain-smoked 24-7, despite it making me seriously ill.
• Being unable to cope when I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, and basically refusing to believe it was real.
• Not explaining/ talking about periods/ sex, but, because I had a generous pocket money allowance and a lot of freedom, I always had sanitary protection etc. I just had to figure out the logistics of everything for myself…

I suppose, on balance, and trying to see them objectively, they were weak, uneducated, immature and unsuited to being parents, but they did what they thought was their best. The result was that I became very independent quite young and was low/ no contact with them for most of my adult life.

I appreciate that . I think I did get a bit triggered, but it's up to me to manage those triggers. I have an excellent trauma therapist who specialises in childhood abuse. Thanks so much and kind thoughts to @honeybonbon too.

ITV

I'm sorry to read what you have endured , trauma is not a competition in any way but narcissistic abuse is one of the worst I feel because it makes you doubt yourself. Sending ❤❤❤

Brought up by GP in 70s

Didn't believe in
Cleaning teeth at night, only the morning, at night eating apple cleaned your teeth. It was a waste of toothpaste, I had a face full of fillings by teen years. Amazed when my DC made it to teen years without fillings because they cleaned their teeth properly!

Dog food - dogs only needed scraps, and you only walked other people's dogs that you were looking after. Fortunately, we didn't have a dog. DM remembered their dog being turfed out in the morning.
The tampons one here too, dangerous and not for young girls/ women

Discussing anything financial with children in earshot

Bathing more than once a week on Sunday

Washing clothes including undies unless physically dirty

Takeaways were fish and chips, maybe once a year
No 'foreign food' , meat and two veg only, although pizza did sneak in later years, Tomato and cheese small frozen ones.

Mine didn't seem to believe in hugging me & my sibling, nor telling us they loved us.

Plain or light coloured soft furnishings (showed the dirt. Dirt being ok, provided it went unseen)
Food that wasn't traditionally British (Too spicy for our stomachs to handle)
Wearing seat belts, before it was law (in a crash they would crush your insides and kill you)
Chewing gum (If swallowed would wrap around your insides and kill you)
Self service petrol stations (Didn't pay good money to do it themselves)
Sitting on walls (no idea, sorry!)

I can relate to most of these - my boomer parents didn't believe in illness, baths more than once a week, lie-ins, conditioner (did it exist before the noughties?) invisible disabilities, etc. They've loosened up a bit now and have even had a microwave since the 90s! I thought the fresh orange thing was just my grandparents though - my god they were hardcore self-flagellatory misers at home, like a cross between Mr Rigsby and a really sadistic sergeant major. I turned down an offer at their local university in case I was forced to live with them and endure a 3.30 p.m. curfew in winter and lights out by 9 p.m., not to mention that their idea of an indulgent dessert was half an apple!

That is a long list OP.

I knew my mum wasn't that into preening, but I only realized when I went on a trip with her last month (I'm 46) she doesn't even moisturise her face with anything.

"Oddly enough I'm not sure it was a social norm - it was only in the late 90s/ early 2000s - I feel like generally most people would have been ok with talking about periods at that point. "

I couldn't disagree more. It was not something you could talk about in the presence of men my father's age. Fine among women, at a pinch within the hearing distance of younger men, but absolutely not in front of older men.

" conditioner (did it exist before the noughties?)"

I remember it in the 80s. My DM did believe in it, but my parents didn't allow me to wash my hair every day so with hormonal greasy hair I ended up being picked on at school for it.