Worried about my mother's neighbour and her obsession.

[missmartha]

My mother died recently , but 20 yers prior to this she met a younger woman from the town she lived in at her art class and despite a 20 year age gap they hit it off.

This woman was so friendly she had a key to my mother's house and to be honest, was a help in my mother's final days but obsessively so.

Mother was 98 when she was admitted to hospital and the friend was with her, she visited twice daily and when she wasn't visiting she spent all day at my mother's house.
I do not live locally so could not visit daily but mother had other friends and neighbours but this one did not stop to the extent that she put people off visiting and the hospital staff thought she was my mother's daughter. She was there constantly, even attending ward meetings about my mother's future.

I am unclear what she did at my mother's house. I did ask and was told that she did the washing, took in the mail and 'aired' the house.
I'm pretty sure she moved in if I'm honest.
She lost weight , she wouldn't' eat. She refused days out with friends , gave up her hobbies and delayed her holiday.
When my mother returned home she slept in the house. Mother's other friends were afraid to visit.

My mother died recently and although I have visited, I have rarely seen the friend as she keeps out of my way. I have no idea why, we have a telephone relationship, but a good one I think.
Anyway on seeing the friend I was frankly shocked. She had obviously lost several stones in weight , looked much older and was restless, pacing and shaky.
I believe her to still be living at my mother's house though she can't do that much longer and has a very nice house of her own anyway.

All this has worried me and I am concerned about this woman. What , if anything can I do to help her, I fear she may be ill.

So if you get the locks changed she can't complain as it's a civil matter!

Play the bitch at her own game.

Massive dripfeed that your mother is a lesbian. I've read all your posts and it's a bit odd that you're so certain your mother and this woman didn't have a romantic relationship (or even a burgeoning one in its initial stages). I hate to say it but it's like you're speaking for your mother when she might not want you to.

By your own admission you live far away even if you sometimes visited, plus your mother is religious and never explicitly came out so she seems to be more on the conservative/private side.

And also there is no rule against romance within 3 years of your partner's death (especially when frankly you're old yourself and know you're dying). Everyone is different.

Even if she was in a relationship with her, she didn't leave the house to her in her will.

Yes I agree the specific logistics are tricky, but I was confused by the absolute certainty in OP's posts that this woman is just an unhinged stalker, that her mother has had zero agency since 2019, that she knows everything about her mother's life despite living far away, and the dripfeed that her mother has in fact cohabited with same sex partners in a low-key way.

Of course, it could be either way, but I find her certainty and authoritativeness in speaking for the mother baffling.

That is to say, cohabited in a low key way, not dripfed in a low key way!

There is no marriage or civil partnership registered. My mother has been very unwell for the last few years and given her grieving for her husband and her partner who died 2019. Given that my mother was not really mobile and relied on carers to see to her needs , I'm not sure how she would have managed this feat of romance and given that none of the family or any of her friends would have given two hoots if she had been, why oh why would she keep it secret , indeed take the secret to her grave?. My mother was an entirely open minded woman yet it is suggested that she kept this possible romance or partnership completely under wraps.

I really doubt it.

I get what you're saying, but the black and white nature of your conviction confuses me.

"This woman was so friendly she had a key to my mother's house and to be honest, was a help in my mother's final days but obsessively so.

Mother was 98 when she was admitted to hospital and the friend was with her, she visited twice daily and when she wasn't visiting she spent all day at my mother's house.
I do not live locally so could not visit daily but mother had other friends and neighbours but this one did not stop to the extent that she put people off visiting and the hospital staff thought she was my mother's daughter. She was there constantly, even attending ward meetings about my mother's future."

So, this woman stole or took the key from your mother. She strong armed her way into your mother's life and house. She just happened to be with your mother when your mother was admitted to hospital. She visited your mother against your mother's will, and attended ward meetings without your mother's permission. It all sounds terribly exploitative of a vulnerable person. It's a very black and white picture you paint. Until the huge dripfeed that your mother has lived very closely with another female before.

I'm not saying anything HAS had to happen, but your certainty (for someone far away and not part of your mother's daily life) confuses me. Your mother's body didn't work, but her brain seems to have worked mostly fine? Mutual feelings can form in any circumstance. A relationship isn't always a Disney adventure where you go out on dates and holidays. Plenty of relationships form during grieving and caring, the process of supporting each other.

It may have only been a developing romance, hence explaining your mother's privacy. And indeed it's possible the other woman may have had stronger feelings (though equal reciprocration also possible). But to be so firmly convinced it's just a crazy stalker, and you know the ins and outs of your mother's private life, that's what confuses me.

Anyway, of course she shouldn't have the house, but it's the rest of it that confuses me. I'm pretty sure my mother's boyfriend knows her much better than me at this point, as they consistently spend time together daily.

What part don't you understand -

The woman passed herself off as being the daughter at the hospital.

She alienated friends and family from visiting the mother at the hospital.

She refuses to hand back keys to the house she has no business being in.

"she put people off visiting and the hospital staff thought she was my mother's daughter" – we seem to have read different posts. I can see why people would be put off by a mysterious friend by the bedside, or why hospital staff would assume a familial rather than same sex/ age gap relationship.

If they were cohabiting and she's grieving I can understand why she wouldn't want tp leave her "home", although she absolutely should since it's not hers legally.

Again I'm not saying she definitely wasn't an evil imposter – there's every chance she was! But to me, your interpretation has no basis for being so black and white.

I've just caught up with your thread OP and my thoughts were that this woman is always there to cover her own back and that she is stealing from the house. I would suggest to the executor that the locks are changed and you and the executor have keys, or you install a combination lock key safe and you can then change the combination as needed. If you are the person clearing the house she has no need to be there.

I would also suggest you feel so uneasy because this woman is not telling you the truth in some way and you are sensing that.

If they were cohabiting and she's grieving I can understand why she wouldn't want tp leave her "home", although she absolutely should since it's not hers legally

They weren’t cohabiting. This woman has her own perfectly good home, as OP has explained several times. You’re imposing your own very selective take on this.

Boredom,
why are you having a go at OP?
and concentrating on side issues.
surely you can see from all OP's posts that this woman is not honest and ought not to be given an inch.
she misrepresented herself to the hosp and has muscled in on OP's mother's affairs, even refusing to leave the house or hand over the key, and declaring she is going through financial papers there !

@Boredombeckons
What has all that got to do with the price of fish ?🙄🙈

why did your mum leave her money/house to charity, rather than family?

@MentholLoad this is irrelevant

Adult social services?

it might be, it might not be

this is a great idea

You need to speak to the executor and get permission to change the locks. To be honest I would do it anyway.

I don't think OP has any more right to do this than the friend though?

Should’ve read the whole thread- sorry OP. I see things have escalated in a bad way.

I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you manage to sort this situation out very soon.

you couldn't have been such a close family if your mother left her house to charity and didn't name one of her children as executor. That's very strange to me...just why???

As you gain nothing from the house, it doesn't belong to you and really is nothing to do with you in any way so I'd just forget about it and let her get on with it.

you couldn't have been such a close family if your mother left her house to charity and didn't name one of her children as executor. That's very strange to me...just why???

That's quite rude and unfeeling to a woman who is grieving for her mother. There could be many good reasons for those decisions that don't mean they weren't close. The mother was 98 so OP could well be old enough that she's financially secure and doesn't need or want to inherit her mother's property. Her mother might have been passionate about these charities, we know she was religious, so she could have set OP up in life and left her things to others. She could've chosen to pay an official executor to take on the admin and save her DD a lot of work and emotional strain. You've no idea what the situation is, but it's clear the OP loved her mum and saw her every week so why question their closeness. That's hardly the point of the thread and just not very nice.