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Original poster

Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house

847 replies

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:04

My husband and I have a mortgage on our house.

I am a SAHM of three children, 3, 5 and 7.

He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house.

I don't want to do that as I enjoy having a house of my own, that I can make mine. I don't want to rent for the rest of my life. I like stability for my children.

My husband is now forcing me to get a job if I want to keep the house.

I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
TheShellBeach · 08/08/2023 23:26

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:25

I haven't worked. I got married very young, 21.

Show quote history

Well, what work did you do after leaving school and prior to marriage?

Original poster
namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:26

LakeTiticaca · 08/08/2023 23:24

Cant you get an evening/weekend job when your DH is home from his work? Thats what I had to do to bring money in when the kids were young.
No free nursery/government handouts back then

When he has a day with the children and I come back in the evening, they are unbathed, still in their pajamas, not fed, playing alone while he watches TV

OP posts:
NutellaNut · 08/08/2023 23:28

As others have said, you won’t qualify for a council house and the chances are private rented accommodation could be more than your actual mortgage. You need to sit down with him and discuss how you will share the care of the children if you do get a job. It’s only fair you help share the burden of paying bills if he’s worried about finances, but he needs to be realistic about childcare implications.

Mollyisacat · 08/08/2023 23:28

Of course you should get a job!! You’re just scraping by atm and kids are in school/ nursery. Being a SAHM is a luxury that you cannot afford. Sounds like you have to either sell the house or get a job, please go get a job. Once you’ve sold your house you’ll probably spend a lot of the built up equity in rent and won’t be able to afford the same again, plus you might have to move from rental to rental.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/08/2023 23:28

You really need to get a job as it will make a huge difference to your family's finances.

You can't make a unilateral decision to not work. That's not how it works in a partnership.

You should remind your husband that a rental will cost more per month than a mortgage

londonmummy1966 · 08/08/2023 23:28

YOu need to sit down and have a serious conversation.

  1. I'll go back to work but the deal is I do all drop offs and you do all pick ups (having to leave on time to pick up is tougher than starting a bit later to drop off).
  2. Ever time a DC is off for being unwell we take it in turns to take the day off - you want to chance the stats quo so the first day a child is sick YOU are the one staying at home
  3. Here is a list of all the jobs I do at home - 50% of them are now yours - are you going to take responsibility for the laundry (all washing/drying/ironing and putting away plus making sure all uniform and PE kit is washed and ironed ready when needed) or are you going to take responsibility for the food(meal planning/shopping and cooking prepping all meals including breakfast and packed lunches) - I''l do doctors and you can do optiticans and dentists (ie booking appointments/taking time off for them/accompanying to appointments etc).
Oh DH you're not happy with that - then you need to think again
Original poster
namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:28

TheShellBeach · 08/08/2023 23:26

Well, what work did you do after leaving school and prior to marriage?

Show quote history

I didn't work. Went to high school and did a diploma in law in college. I lived with my parents after that and would sometimes help at my dad's store

OP posts:
GettingStuffed · 08/08/2023 23:28

Have you considered being a childminder?

fullbloom87 · 08/08/2023 23:29

I surprised you managed to get a big enough mortgage for a house suitable to raise a family in on a delivery driver wage?
I would do everything possible if were you to keep that house as it's unlikely you'll get back on the property ladder again if you sell it and you'll be poor forever. Do it for your kids!

TheShellBeach · 08/08/2023 23:29

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:28

I didn't work. Went to high school and did a diploma in law in college. I lived with my parents after that and would sometimes help at my dad's store

Show quote history

Are you in America?

DinoRoar14 · 08/08/2023 23:30

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:24

We could have been fine with one salary but he always gets fired as he is really unreliable.
He's a contractor delivery driver.
I ressent him for that to be honest

You resent him for not making money right?
Do you not realise how dense that comes across?
I can imagine he is holding a hell of a lot of resentment at you as well.

N4ish · 08/08/2023 23:30

You're only focusing on what you want which seems pretty selfish to be honest. You getting a job would clearly be the best thing for your whole family and would put you all on a more secure footing.

londonmummy1966 · 08/08/2023 23:30

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:26

When he has a day with the children and I come back in the evening, they are unbathed, still in their pajamas, not fed, playing alone while he watches TV

Show quote history

Sell the TV and any games consoles and smart phones etc to help pay the mortgage....

Original poster
namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:31

TheShellBeach · 08/08/2023 23:29

Are you in America?

Show quote history

No UK college

OP posts:
JanieEyre · 08/08/2023 23:31

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:16

The kids go to school and nursery already,
We wouldn't be able to afford school holiday clubs and after school minders, even if I do get a job

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Schools are crying out for people like TAs and dinner supervisors. Look into a termtime job.

ukgot2pot · 08/08/2023 23:32

The stress on families with the recent mortgages increases is significant right now. Your DH is probably feeling a huge amount of financial pressure. Get a job ASAP if you want to keep the house. It really is that simple.

JanieEyre · 08/08/2023 23:33

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:16

I have always wanted to be SAHM. My husband was okay with it when we got married, he changed his mind only now.

Show quote history

Probably because mortgages have gone up massively over the past year. It's really not his ultimatum, you know, in effect it's the Building Society's.

Busubaba · 08/08/2023 23:33

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:24

We could have been fine with one salary but he always gets fired as he is really unreliable.
He's a contractor delivery driver.
I ressent him for that to be honest

Yet you expect him to be the only one that works!

Something very odd about this.

I can understand your position if you were a gold digger and married a wealthy man who would be happy dow you not to work but you appear to have married a man who can't hold down a job as a lorry driver!

Bizarre.

Sad that you've brought three children into this puzzling and insecure lifestyle.

Original poster
namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:33

JanieEyre · 08/08/2023 23:31

Schools are crying out for people like TAs and dinner supervisors. Look into a termtime job.

Show quote history

I don't have any qualification in that area.
I did a course in law in college but moved to Scotland, where English law doesn't apply, so it is pretty much useless.

OP posts:
purplebluediscorain · 08/08/2023 23:33

He does have every right to ask you to get a job to contribute and it isn’t how it was back then with just one Income in this cost of living crisis. It isn’t that you can’t you just don’t want to even though you’ve got free hours to do so while your children are at nursery and school and he will be able to see that too and why do you not want more financial independence.

Sunsetmom · 08/08/2023 23:33

Mollyisacat · 08/08/2023 23:28

Of course you should get a job!! You’re just scraping by atm and kids are in school/ nursery. Being a SAHM is a luxury that you cannot afford. Sounds like you have to either sell the house or get a job, please go get a job. Once you’ve sold your house you’ll probably spend a lot of the built up equity in rent and won’t be able to afford the same again, plus you might have to move from rental to rental.

This…

Zonder · 08/08/2023 23:33

I don't believe the mortgage is staying the same. Have you seen the news? Sit down with him and look at your finances together. It sounds like he knows you can't afford to live on one salary anymore. You know there is a cost of living crisis?

cherry2727 · 08/08/2023 23:34

What if the op isn't going to generate enough revenue to break even ? The op said herself that she has never worked - meaning she has no or little work experience. The chances of her bringing in a salary which gives them surplus funds after childcare is paid for , looks very grim! Childcare for 3 kids will really cost their family and so it might not make logical sense for the op to even work!

Original poster
namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:34

Busubaba · 08/08/2023 23:33

Yet you expect him to be the only one that works!

Something very odd about this.

I can understand your position if you were a gold digger and married a wealthy man who would be happy dow you not to work but you appear to have married a man who can't hold down a job as a lorry driver!

Bizarre.

Sad that you've brought three children into this puzzling and insecure lifestyle.

Show quote history

That's very judgmental.

I am not a gold digger.
In my culture, men provide for their wives and the wives' money is theirs.
He was happy with the setup until now.
The reason I want to keep the house is to give children stability

OP posts:
isthatmyage · 08/08/2023 23:34

OP wise up, get a job, contribute to the household finances, juggle the childcare..we're all doing it...give your DH a chance!