Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house

847 replies

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:04

My husband and I have a mortgage on our house.

I am a SAHM of three children, 3, 5 and 7.

He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house.

I don't want to do that as I enjoy having a house of my own, that I can make mine. I don't want to rent for the rest of my life. I like stability for my children.

My husband is now forcing me to get a job if I want to keep the house.

I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Original poster
namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:18

VinEtFromage · 08/08/2023 23:17

Would you be able to earn more than the childcare costs?

is he going to step up with nursery/childcare/school run, shopping, cooking, cleaning??

Does he have any idea how difficult it is to get social or private rents and how much they cost?

it sounds like he has NO clue but is resentful if you being home when he has to go out to work?

The children already go to nursery and school.
The rest is exactly what worries me, I know he won't help with childcare whatsoever. He works evening and nights most of the time.

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 08/08/2023 23:18

He can only get social housing if made homeless unintentionally. If someone leaves their home without being evicted it’s voluntary homelessness and the councils don’t have a responsibility to house.

Has your husband checked the cost of childcare?

TimeIhadaNameChange · 08/08/2023 23:18

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:16

I have always wanted to be SAHM. My husband was okay with it when we got married, he changed his mind only now.

Show quote history

He's changed his mind because the situation has changed. You've had what you want for 7 years, it's now time to go back to work.

fullbloom87 · 08/08/2023 23:18

Have you been on entitledto.com and checked if you're eligible for any help?

TomatoSandwiches · 08/08/2023 23:19

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:16

I have always wanted to be SAHM. My husband was okay with it when we got married, he changed his mind only now.

Show quote history

In this economic climate I'm not surprised, lots of people have had to find extra work or reduce their budgets.
What about your own pension, ehat have you set up for that as a SAHM?

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 08/08/2023 23:19

It’s difficult being the sole earner. You need to get some work. Being a sahm is no longer financially viable. You need to look at childcare options and your dh needs to do his bit wrt childcare too.

JaukiVexnoydi · 08/08/2023 23:20

Being a SAHP isn't "free" - it's a luxury that many families can't afford. We could never afford it and we are better off than average.

The cost of being a SAHP is the amount of salary you could bring in if you had a full time job, less the additional costs of childcare and other household management things you need to outsource if you are working. Of course this does mean that it's cheaper if you are generally unskilled, untalented and without qualifications or experience such that you couldn't earn more than minimum wage, but even minimum wage should be plenty to cover extended nursery hours in excess of what your 3yo gets for free plus wraparound for the two older kids.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/08/2023 23:20

Does he have weekends off? Go find work on Saturdays and Sundays and he can be home with the kids.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 08/08/2023 23:20

I'd have a Google of what a typical house that you could reasonably live in in your area would cost per month. Unless you have a very high monthly mortgage payment I'd imagine it would be significantly higher than you pay for your mortgage. Show him your findings. And yes the social housing idea isn't an option so it all leads to staying where you are which is your preference choice anyway.

Your children are young and it's not easy but I went back 4 days a week when the DCs were 3 and 1 (and in between) - I was (am) a single parent so I had no choice. If you do really want to stay in the house then I think you should present him with a realistic picture of moving / rental and he'll probably come to the same conclusion.

That said - if you really are struggling and not able to have any quality of life then I do think it would help both of you for you to find some part time work to build more of a cushion. What did you do pre children?

Are you able to have 2 way discussions / planning meetings about this kind of thing would you say?

FlossOnTheMill · 08/08/2023 23:20

, I know he won't help with childcare whatsoever.

Why not?

Shodan · 08/08/2023 23:21

You need to contribute to the financial pot. Your DH needs to contribute to the childcare.

Sit down with him and ask him what he's come up with for childcare arrangements and go from there.

BlossomCloud · 08/08/2023 23:21

It sounds like you need to start finding a job. Scraping by is horribly stressful.

Thistlelass · 08/08/2023 23:21

bossybloss · 08/08/2023 23:05

I don’t think you would be entitled to a council house if you own your own home!

If said ownership is resulting in unmanageable debt etc it should be permissable.

MillicentBystandr · 08/08/2023 23:22

Just get a job. Falling off the property ladder is the surest path to poverty both now and in old age. You need to bring in whatever earnings are needed to keep up with the rising costs.

Quartz2208 · 08/08/2023 23:22

Rent is likely to be more than your mortgage and if you have equity that would go.

if he works evenings and nights would he do childcare otherwise you are wasting money.

that said maybe a term time job might work if you start looking but there are loads of red flags here

TheShellBeach · 08/08/2023 23:22

What is your objection to getting a job?

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 08/08/2023 23:22

Is he saying you can no longer afford the house because your mortgage term is ending and going onto a higher rate? What’s the shortfall in the amount he thinks you need to earn per month? there’s a big difference between getting a Saturday / evening job or covering hundreds a month.

You need to compare the monthly costs of running your house / paying your mortgage with the monthly costs of private rental and see if you really would save any money by doing this.

the government have also just announced some additional options for homeowners struggling to pay their mortgage including switching to interest only so that’s worth looking into

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 08/08/2023 23:23

He needs to do childcare otherwise it’s no deal. He needs to help with drop offs/pick ups from nursery or school or he’s limiting you to what you can do as a job which isn’t fair. He can’t have it all his way.

TheShellBeach · 08/08/2023 23:24

What work did you do before you had children?

LakeTiticaca · 08/08/2023 23:24

Cant you get an evening/weekend job when your DH is home from his work? Thats what I had to do to bring money in when the kids were young.
No free nursery/government handouts back then

Busubaba · 08/08/2023 23:24

What a weird set up.

It's fine to not work when the children are pre school and your husband can afford to support you all but now things have changed, bills have increased, food has gone up etc

If you are managing now then you bringing in a part time wage will lift the pressure off him and help contribute to your family's household expenditure.

Can you advertise yourself as a cleaner and pick up a few jobs that are during nursery and school time?

Original poster
namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:24

We could have been fine with one salary but he always gets fired as he is really unreliable.
He's a contractor delivery driver.
I ressent him for that to be honest

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:25

TheShellBeach · 08/08/2023 23:24

What work did you do before you had children?

I haven't worked. I got married very young, 21.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:25

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 08/08/2023 23:22

Is he saying you can no longer afford the house because your mortgage term is ending and going onto a higher rate? What’s the shortfall in the amount he thinks you need to earn per month? there’s a big difference between getting a Saturday / evening job or covering hundreds a month.

You need to compare the monthly costs of running your house / paying your mortgage with the monthly costs of private rental and see if you really would save any money by doing this.

the government have also just announced some additional options for homeowners struggling to pay their mortgage including switching to interest only so that’s worth looking into

The mortgage is the same, his salary isn't stable because he keeps getting laid off, suspended etc...

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 08/08/2023 23:26

You hitched your wagon to an unreliable provider, if you wanted to be a SAHM then this wasn't the right type of person to marry.
If you want to keep the house you need to find work.

Swipe left for the next trending thread