Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house

[namechanged808]

My husband and I have a mortgage on our house.

I am a SAHM of three children, 3, 5 and 7.

He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house.

I don't want to do that as I enjoy having a house of my own, that I can make mine. I don't want to rent for the rest of my life. I like stability for my children.

My husband is now forcing me to get a job if I want to keep the house.

I don't know what to do

The government are not interested in paying out pensions to poor people. They keep pushing up the pension age to the point most will drop dead like flies before they can draw their first pension payment...it will mean nothing to most if they are on their death bed and too decrepit to enjoy their retirement. Come on.

Anyway, back to the OP. Definitely look into term time work of sorts, or look at working part time when your husband gets home from work. It's ashame your situation has ended up like this. I have been a SAHM for 16 years. But DH is very responsible, we are both financially savvy and I have savings from before I met him. Mortgage free etc. Being SAHM only works if you are both smart with money. I am about to start a degree next month as my youngest is now 6 and it feels the right time to move forward with my own personal goals/development now.

If I was in your situation, speaking as a SAHM, I would be looking to find work and echo others.

33 pages of other posters asking you to get a job! OP we can't all be wrong🙄

You'd be .making yourself intentionally homeless. The housing crisis isn't just about mortgage interest payments but for people who just can't even afford rent..The current situation means there is no private rental stock. The council houses stock were sold for people to buy and there is a shortage of housing agency stock. Rents are just as and if not more expensive than mortgages. It's a mess. Maybe get yourself a job to help sustain you in the current home. Talk figures with your husband.

I think the husband is probably at the end of his tether, as the mortgage has gone up and up, month by month, and I suspect that this ‘ultimatum’ was more like ‘if you don’t get a job we will lose the house and end up in a council house’.

The op is contradictory all the way through ‘he works all the time/he works all evenings and nights/he can’t hold down a job’. She doesn’t answer most questions asked, and seems deliberately obtuse.

But actually, it could just be a piss take.

It was an accident and I don't know how to delete it 😅

She hasn't even tried though. Despite rising costs and her children being in nursery and school she doesn't seem to want to entertain the possibility of getting any kind of job.

You can report it to HQ & they’ll delete it for you, or just leave it where it is & start your own thread - it’s not doing any harm there, it just won’t be much use to you!

I wish the OP would come back. It seems she married too young and isn't getting great advice from her family.

In your situation I’d get a job. Even one a few nights a week to work around your husband would help .

Hi lovely! I have read a few of your replies and it sounds like you are from a different culture. My husband is half Pakistani and I know many of his family, who have similar husband/wife roles to what you are describing. Many of the commenters here will not have realised that you are from a culture which has very different expectations for husbands and wives than they do. I think that your husband is being a little unreasonable, but also it seems that he is worried about your family finances and feels that you working is the only way to keep a secure home for you guys. I saw that you said you have no qualifications in childcare - but I do think that as a mum you are certainly an expert in dealing with young children and perhaps a lunchtime job at a school would be a good way to show your husband that you are willing to do what you can. You don't need any qualifications to be a dinner lady - you just supervise the kids in the yard and you won't need childcare as they are in school then anyway. You won't make a lot of money but it all helps. It also helps to build your confidence in a job, and to get to know the school so if any other jobs come up they may consider you for them. If your husband wants you to work more than that - and you would need childcare then you two will need a serious talk about how he will have to start to take on more responsibility in the home and with the kids. Sending lots of love, I know a big change like this can be really scary.

And why don't you want a job?
Do not get me wrong, keeping a home WITH young children is a job on its own, but you do not get paid, you do not build up a CV and career prospects, do not get some time for your own personal development.....
Your little one will need childcare and that may well mean you will end up working for no real money the first year, but getting to the job market now or when he starts reception is a good idea, in my eyes.
You will have two incomes by the time they start secondary, they get more expensive. They will want to explore the world, so you need plenty of cash if you want to facilitate that. And I mean, they will try music, riding, cycling, swimming, dancing, rugby, football, languages, pottery... whatever, till they find what they are passionate about. That costs a fortune.
Then.. uni, if they want to. Look at the papers this year, many uni students are staying home because they cannot afford accomodation of their own.

It is very hard to balance working, bringing children up and housework, but that is what fits our society better, in my eyes. At least you get to give your children an example of work ethics, chances in life, keep the roof, keep afloat if anything happens to one of you and so on.

It must be very hard to have your way of life, that you are surrounded by in your culture, suddenly threatened, and it doesn't sound like your husband is handling this in a kind or realistic way.

Childcare is very expensive, so if you can't afford your mortgage, you probably need to weigh up your earning power against the cost of childcare for your 3yo. Without qualifications or experience, you'll need to have some amazing connections or hidden talents to get a job or start a business that could earn you more than you spend on childcare. Maybe you're an incredible cook? Maybe you could be a childminder? Or perhaps you could start doing a course while all the children are in school/childcare? Or maybe just putting your 3yo in for the free hours and taking care of them yourself the rest of the time will be enough to cover the shortfall.

I know that the amount of work running a household of 3 children must seem overwhelming, but most people in the UK work alongside having a family. It's hard, but it's doable. Many, many people do it.

If you make yourself homeless by selling up, the council will not house you. You will be ineligible.

The thing is OP, whether its morally right or wrong, culture or no culture, you cannot force anyone to financially support another adult not to work if they don't want to. He is forcing your hand but it's his right to say that he will no longer support this lifestyle. You're just going to have to make a decision. Get a part time job and contribute or refuse, lose the house and move in with your inlaws. If he won't negotiate, those are the options open to you right now.

I understand your culture and where you are coming from. But it would appear that the situation has changed and that you will need to pick up the reins on this so that you make yourself and your children less vulnerable. I know of enough cases where the family has been struck by financial hardship because the husband died, got sick or traded in wife for a younger model. Tongues will wag in the community if you get a job and more so of you divorce but it’s not like they are living your life. Be a driver and not a passenger in your life. Good luck!

Who will take care of the children while you work?
Ask to see income and expenses.

AIBU - I've started dating a guy who is very nearly at the end of divorce after two years seperated. They have a child together. He told me he's quite off grid w.r.t social media. Anyway, he dropped his ex wife's name in during conversation and I looked her up (I know..). Her relationship status still says " Married to 'joe bloggs'" .. I don't know what to think anymore and at the same time, I don't want to come across psychotic but it's really playing on my mind...

Note: also divorced with one child, thanks

You need to start your own thread as the posters on this one will be replying to the OP.

Oops sorry hadn't realised!

It sounds like a regressive culture and toxically misogynistic culture, sorry, and just an excuse to not wanting to work. Why don't you want to be independent, earning your own money, etc? Why do you think you should have the right to sit at home while your husband works? This is 2023, you should want to work. Also it sounds like your husband is a no-hoper and can't even provide for the family himself, so you'll have to do it since is is unable to be relied upon. You would be better off divorcing. Neither of you come out of this good. He is unable and unwilling to provide for his family, and you are unwilling to get a job and just expect someone else to work to give you what you want.

Sire you've realised from the comments and reality the chances of getting a council house are very slim, also rent will likely be more than a mortgage. Could you fit in even a PT job, a couple of hundred pound a work will make a big difference. Xx

You could work during school hours?

You can train, you're young and have the time to do it. X

Stop resurrecting old threads!