Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house

[namechanged808]

My husband and I have a mortgage on our house.

I am a SAHM of three children, 3, 5 and 7.

He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house.

I don't want to do that as I enjoy having a house of my own, that I can make mine. I don't want to rent for the rest of my life. I like stability for my children.

My husband is now forcing me to get a job if I want to keep the house.

I don't know what to do

But why can't my husband be more consistent at his job?
That would solve all our issues.
Is what he is DEMANDING and THREATENING normal?

Did you grow up in the uk?
There are many people from your culture in the uk (if I'm correct) and most of the women work now or their husbands are more reliable and higher earning.
I'm sure you know this already.

What is your culture? I work with many mothers from all different cultures.

south asian

Yes born and bred

Op I know the culture you are referring to -
My best friend has the same background however she works . You are allowed to work and it's not soo much frowned upon as you're making it out to be.
I would look for jobs but also do the maths and ensure that your salary will cover your childcare costs . You have three very young kids so I am a bit nervous as to whether you would out-earn your childcare costs .
You do have to also inform your dh that he will need to help out more if this happens! He can't have his cake and eat it !

Yes. Because if more money doesn't come in then the house will have to go.

Calling bullshit.

If not, this is really sad.

Get a job. You'll have to when he divorces you anyway.

And no, if you sell your house you'll be classed as intentionally homeless. You won't get housed for 10-12 years in most areas.

Such a shame your children will grow up with absolutely no work ethic, and probably contribute no value to society. Brilliant

Your mortgage will be rising, your heating bills. You need to contribute to the family. You could work evenings. I did for a time.

It doesn't really matter what your culture states the bank needs paying, if your husband can not or will not pay it on his one income then you as the other adult with parental responsibility in the house needs to financially contribute if you want to keep the house for your children.

He sounds very dramatic. Have you explained everything you do? Maybe he just doesn't understand? It sounds really tough for you.

My youngest is only 3. If I go back to work I won't be home until 5 or 6. I'm going to miss out on so much

I have a feeling that neither the OP nor her husband have any idea how the system works with regard to council houses.
He's holding it over her head, like a threat, although it would, in reality, be impossible for them to get one.

OP you can't just rock up to the town hall and demand a council house FFS.

Op there are people desperate for a house who are living in horrendous circumstances! As of the council will let you sell because you wont get a job!

It's not what he is demanding and threatening. He can't change the fact that mortgage costs have risen drastically, and I suspect him being more consistent work-wise still wouldn't help you; jobs of that type just don't bring in enough to pay rising mortgages, fuel and food costs for five people.

You can want to stay in your house as much as you like. The simple fact is that if you can't earn enough to pay the mortgage, it will be repossessed. For what it's worth, that will put you quite well up on the list for a council house.

Sounds like even if he is reliable and keeps his job, it's a low paid job. With mortgage increases you're probably going to have to get a job anyway. Even couples where both are well paid professionals are barely managing the mortgage increases. Being a sahm is a luxury you can't afford.

Plus, will he take time off to take the children to appointments, or 50% of the time to stay at home when they’re sick, help with the school runs when they’re at different schools and 50% of making school lunches, getting outfits for world book day, take baking in for school fetes, help with the homework? And 50% of cleaning the home, cooking the meals, going shopping, organising play dates and birthdays and Christmas etc?

Before you ‘get a job’ (which is not automatic), work out exactly what you do in the home and for 3 kids and have a frank and honest conversation with your husband about what you will no longer be able to do in the house and for the kids once you go back to work and plan for who will do the looking after them when they’re ill etc.

Obviously he is focused on what is stressing him and not what you will no longer be able to do, but men who have not stayed at home often have no idea what that actually involves. You will really want to ensure that you’re not doing everything you do now for looking after 3 children AND add working full time to the mix.

Why OP waves them off to school, nursery in the morning. Housework shouldn't take up a full day every single day.

Getting a job would solve all your issues. I mean, you can wring your hands and wonder why he doesn’t do what you’d like him to do. It won’t make you any money or pay your mortgage, though. Getting a job will.

And, yes, expecting you to get a job so you can contribute to the household is pretty normal. It’s what most adults do. If you’re so strongly against working for a living, then I suppose you should have married a different (less feckless and more financially stable) husband.

It may not be the norm in your culture to work - but I bet there are plenty of women in your culture that do?
I would without question put aside my ideals and what the tradition is if my house was under threat.

There are millions of women out there who would give anything to spend more time with their DCs but they don't get the luxury of that as their family needs a roof over their heads, and that stability and start in life is provided by both parents - unless it's financially viable not too.

In any case - sone marriages don't last forever - and those women that have never worked (and their children) are left in a very bad position financially. I am not saying yours will end but you should be doing everything you can to safeguard your position.

Well you can either downsize or get a job. I appreciate he clearly has no idea what that will involve wrt sharing domestic work but you must tell him.

I'm supposed you're relying so much on the cultural aspect.
As I'm going to assume a culture like what your describe places men at the head of the household.
Sp he's made a decision and you have to follow it?

Or do you just pick and choose what suits you?

If you grew up here op, you know it's different now. All the south Asian women I know, inc myself, work.
Your dh should be working and be reliable too. You both need to sort your shit out.