So many people on Mumsnet seem antisocial

[BarrelOfOtters]

Not liking weddings, not going on a partner's work do when other halves are invited, not answering the door...

Most (not all) people I know would go along with social stuff either because they actively like it or because that's kind of how the world works.

Whereas on Mumsnet the balance seems shifted the other way....?

Exactly, @EvenlyDetermined . I like a bit of chit-chat, enjoy meeting new people, like some weddings, not others, and also am really comfortable being alone.

What is all this polarisation business? Can’t we be a mix?

And “self-absorption dressed up as self-care” - oh, how I agree. And (I’m on a roll now!) the lock-down lovers baking away with young dcs, wfh dh and a big house and garden - claiming it was the revenge of the introverts: no, just smug f-ers who are in a lucky position and who have ne’er a thought for singletons/young people/elderly or any other lonely person.

Absolutely — there are also extroverts who are socially-inept, bad at relationships etc. I’m a sociable introvert. I am socially-confident, value my friendships and invest in them, love socialising, like nothing better than meeting potentially interesting new people, but I need a lot of time alone to compensate and recharge.

Lots of the people on this thread who are really sociable and love meeting new people seem to deeply resent anyone who thinks differently from them. That’s why I’m always very hesitant about meeting new people - I assume they won’t like me. I feel like some of the replies on this thread prove my point…!

Also re: self-absorption - for a lot of people it’s the exact opposite. I’m not so convinced of my own importance that I think it makes or breaks a social event. A lot of people who don’t turn up to things do so because they think (correctly or otherwise) that no-one will mind terribly if they don’t.

I certainly don’t. People are different.

The only thing that makes me cross is the widespread misuse of the terms ‘extrovert’ to mean loud, sociable or confident and ‘introvert’ to mean, shy, quiet, socially-timid or unsociable.

I think we are soul sisters 😀

People often tell me I'm extroverted but I'm really not - I love being with people and adore making connections. After a couple of hours of it I then need a few hours with a book in silence! I'm

Can I join your club? I'm the same, love meeting new people and am very comfortable with small talk and I genuinely find people fascinating. But I need to be alone and can't cope with co dependent relationships. I also have a limited time I want to spend with the same person. I'm married with kids and find this lack of personal time difficult. I sometimes go away for a night or two alone and thankfully my partner understands. I love weddings and can literally 'work the room' at parties but a spa weekend with 1 or 2 friends where we share a room fills me with anxiety.

People don't get this, they think if you are sociable it comes in all forms. It's also possible to be sociable and lonely too, being around people can sometimes only highlight how no one else is going through the same thing as you.

I am on the fence about this, @user1477391263 - I know that, even though I dread social occasions, especially meeting new people, when I push myself to do things, I do usually enjoy them. But I also know my own limits, and how exhausted I will get, if I push myself too far. I’m not exaggerating when I say that, if I have several social occasions in a short space of time, I am completely wiped out for days and days afterwards.

So I feel it makes sense for me to be careful about how much social stuff I do - I’d rather do less, but not be totally wiped out for days, than push myself too far and suffer for it.

@ChurlishGreen Oh I understand that - I was just pointing out the irony of all these people who love everyone and are caring and fun and friendly saying how awful and selfish and heartless and unpleasant a good proportion of other people are. Maybe we’re unsociable because we don’t want to hang out with people who think we’re inferior!

I am the exact opposite - time with people I really get on with doesn’t tax me at all, but I’d rather poke things in my eyes than meet a bunch of new people. But in my case that’s because I can just be myself with people I already know, whereas the effort of trying to appear interesting to new people is just too much! I really envy people who are good at small talk and meeting new people - it’s a real gift to be able to connect with people straight away.

It’s not surprising that people who are introverts gravitate to online social interaction, is it? You’d expect a higher proportion on here.

I'm extremely social. Love seeing my friends, get togethers, going out for drinks, dancing. Love a wedding!

I'm single, and have one teenage son who doesn't want to hang out with uncool mum very often so I'm very much alone in the week. Weekends are my time to see people!

Hmm to prove your point I don't answer the door (much) because a) it's likely to be a parcel for the lazy fucks next door that dont answer and I can't be arsed coming down two flights of stairs for something that's not for me. B) it's someone who has dropped by unexpectedly, which I find rude because anyone who really knows me knows I dont want unexpected visitors - who does? Or C) it's hello fresh, the modern milkman etc wanting to sign me up and I'm. It coming down two flights for that.
It amazes me that people do answer the door.

It amazes me that people do answer the door.

Because a) most people who knock on our door are not lazy neighbours or chuggers, and b) it's usually a delivery for us.

I’m never trying to appear interesting to new people I meet, though — I’m thinking about whether they’re interesting and whether I like them…

Right, and I’d be conscious of that, and knowing you were deciding whether I was interesting and whether you liked me would make me really anxious. I know what you’re saying is that I’m going about social interaction all wrong (I should be entirely focused on my interlocutor), but I already know that: as I said earlier, I find it really hard to think of the “right” questions to ask people (what you and I find interesting is probably very different), plus no-one is at their best when they’re anxious.

Admittedly it was a bad choice of words - I have never tried to appear interesting as I know there’s no point - but I think most of us try to come across as vaguely likeable when we meet someone new. Or maybe we don’t and I’m getting that wrong too. Probably!

I’m not sitting there like judge and jury, though -+ I mean, I’m generally interested in other people, and have often made lasting friendships from chance encounters where no one was focused on being interesting or interested. (I met one of my closest friends when I panicked in poor conditions on a tricky mountain ladder, and was horrifically rude to him, a total stranger trying to help, and another while she was being sick in the toilets in a night club…) It’s perfectly possible you’d be bored to death by me, but I can’t do anything about that.

Yes. I’m on the fence too. Everything I read and hear says social interaction is key to good health, but nervous exhaustion surely can’t be very healthy. Too much stimulation means I don’t sleep very well. Not all social interactions have that effect but sometimes even too much Mumsnet does. That’s the defining thing about introverts we can’t stand too much stimulation.
During the pandemic, however, I did particularly notice that casual interactions with other people lifted my spirits so I can well believe we all need people.

The fact that I post on Mumsnet may well be another example of
“how human beings are generally quite poor at meta cognition and at knowing what will and won’t improve their wellbeing.”
or not. I really don’t know.

I have my absolute fill of people at work and in the school playground and I've got nothing left in the tank at the end of the week. I'm not unsociable but there is nothing I'd rather do than stay home and recharge my batteries. I do force myself sometimes to go to social things for the benefit of other people but I need even more down time after that. I have no fear of loneliness, i sometimes think Id like to spend a year as a hermit once the kids have grown up and left home. I think it's weird that some people can't accept that we aren't all built the same.

What you are describing is not ''anti-social''.

It is simply people making choices and having boundaries in term of who they want to interact with and how.

I have a social life but I have no interest in meeting the people I work with outside work because I have little in common with them and I don't feel the need to pretend...

I also don't like noisy/crowded environment so I avoid events like weddings, big concert and so on.

Instead I prefer meeting my friends in quiet restaurants, coffee shops, going to the cinema and galleries.

As for not answering the door: I live on my own so I certainly would not let in some random man in my house...I answer the door only if I recognise the person (neighbour) or for the people I am expecting (delivery, trade). That's just common sense.

I think it's weird that some people can't accept that we aren't all built the same.

True.

DH is quite hermit like and can't understand that I need more social interaction than he does. I find just being with him 24/7 (we both WFH most of the time) is just not enough for me.

I don't like large groups and much prefer smaller groups though.

I think you’re absolutely right.

Agree with all of this. I think that pushing yourself to socialise causing an improvement in wellbeing is not incompatible with having a “social battery”, though.

I’m a teacher but I’m introverted (not an easy combination!). After a morning with my extrovert face on, my instinct at lunch time is to go and sit silently by myself. If I “push myself” to go and sit in the staff room with a cup of tea and have a quiet chat with whoever else is there, I generally feel better. But if I were to “push myself” further, and go into the busy, loud dining hall and have to talk to lots of people, I wouldn’t have enough energy to get through my afternoon lessons.

I can see how it does introverts good to try to overcome their natural compulsion to be alone, but whether they are depleted by or benefit from the interactions they push themselves to engage in will depend on the type of interaction and how much stimulation they can handle.