Page 6 | So many people on Mumsnet seem antisocial

BarrelOfOtters · 2023-08-08T09:36:11+00:00

Not liking weddings, not going on a partner's work do when other halves are invited, not answering the door... Most (not all) people I know would go along with social stuff either because they actively like it or because that's kind of how the world works. Whereas on Mumsnet the balance seems shifted the other way....?

FuckNuggets · 08/08/2023 20:59

thecatsthecats · 08/08/2023 19:57

Yes, it can feel a bit like introverts are expected to perform the right amount of sociableness as a public service so that an extrovert doesn't feel lonely - but God forbid the introvert say that they've done enough socializing for them.

It is also quite ironic that people who are OH SO SOCIABLE in the real world are... On this thread. Chatting online. About how sociable they are, unlike all the introverts. Who are on this thread. Chatting online.

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Yes, exactly this!

FourTeaFallOut · 08/08/2023 21:16

Thanks SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius, although I think unwritten MN rules state our original disagreement means we are compelled to put aside pleasantries and maintain a grudge 😬

Anothernamethesamegame · 08/08/2023 21:18

I guess mumsnet is a form of social interaction and maybe a form of social interaction that attracts people who find face to face/busy social event less attractive than digital social interaction. So maybe there are more people here who don’t enjoy social interaction as much as the majority. Im
sure that does mean the advice is skewed. Just is what it is I suppose?

tigger1001 · 08/08/2023 21:33

milkywinterdisorder · 08/08/2023 20:22

@Pamspeople I remember when I first got to know someone who really is recharged and invigorated by socialising - ie a proper extrovert - and it blew my mind! I thought everyone found socialising sort of OK but draining!

Yes, same here! You can only assume that it’s the same for extroverts and they just don’t realise that socialising is genuinely mentally taxing for introverts rather than that we just couldn’t be bothered.

Totally agree!

Being sociable and going out socialising really drain me. I really do need alone time to recharge.

People still see introverts = shy and extroverts = bubbly/sociable. But these are not the defining features. You can be a bubbly introvert or a shy extrovert.

Covid really highlighted my need for alone time. I was used to getting an hour here and there at home, completely alone then all of a sudden there were people around me all the time. I really struggled with that, until my partner told me to go walking on my own and he would go with the kids at least a couple times per week. That hour really recharged my batteries.

I was also used to having at least 1 day per week at work in a room on my own. Now that's changed and I'm with people all the time. It drains me so socialising with workmates just doesn't interest me as I don't have the energy for it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/08/2023 21:41

FourTeaFallOut · 08/08/2023 21:16

Thanks SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius, although I think unwritten MN rules state our original disagreement means we are compelled to put aside pleasantries and maintain a grudge 😬

Ohhh no - you might be right, @FourTeaFallOut - but let’s subvert the system and fight The Man. Or fight for our right to party. Something like that.

😉😁

RampantIvy · 08/08/2023 22:52

milkywinterdisorder · 08/08/2023 18:56

Also, re: “I don’t do small talk” - I can’t do small talk (I just can’t think of the “right” questions) but I regard that as a failing, not something to be proud of. I watch my Mum converse with literally anyone - apparently effortlessly - and I’m in awe of her. Why would anyone not want to be better at talking to people?

It took me many years to feel comfortable talking to people I barely know.
Your honesty is refreshing. Admiting that you find small talk difficult is a world of difference from the morally superior sounding "I don't do small talk".

I am more of an extrovert than introvert, but I relish alone time as well. Being with people all the time is too much - except for DH of course. He is away for a week and I have been looking forward to being on my own, but I will be glad when he comes home because he always makes me a cup of tea in the morning

user1477391263 · 09/08/2023 00:20

Jonathan Haidt has written about this, but the whole “battery recharging” theory is apparently not backed up by the data. When self-defining introverts are “pushed” by external factors to socialize more, they may report finding it harder work, but their mental health tends to improve. It’s actually a good example of how human beings are generally quite poor at meta cognition and at knowing what will and won’t improve their wellbeing.

Mmhmmn · 09/08/2023 00:25

piglet81 · 08/08/2023 10:49

Sociable people are probably out and about engaging with the real world, not sitting at home engaging with the online world…so it’s self-selecting.

This.

Mmhmmn · 09/08/2023 00:28

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 08/08/2023 10:53

I think I’m quite unsociable. I’m much happier spending time with one person, picking through their bookshelf chatting about everything on there, or leafing through their records, or just chatting in a coffee shop or that kind of thing. But going out in a group of people? I’d really rather not. Each one of those people individually? Yes. Together? No. Maybe that’s why I’m quite sociable online. I’ve got a few online places I’m quite active, but it’s all on my terms, I just log off whenever I want to.

Yes it's difficult to properly talk with a group. Much richer and more meaningful convo with only one or two people, I find

WhatWouldJeevesDo · 09/08/2023 04:46

RampantIvy · 08/08/2023 22:52

It took me many years to feel comfortable talking to people I barely know.
Your honesty is refreshing. Admiting that you find small talk difficult is a world of difference from the morally superior sounding "I don't do small talk".

I am more of an extrovert than introvert, but I relish alone time as well. Being with people all the time is too much - except for DH of course. He is away for a week and I have been looking forward to being on my own, but I will be glad when he comes home because he always makes me a cup of tea in the morning

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I’ve only ever heard ‘he doesn’t do small talk’ said of others. It was true of me as a teenager. Maybe the assumption that I thought I was superior explains why people who clearly considered themselves superior were so nasty about it.
I suppose Elizabeth Bennett says something similar of herself but when she says ‘both of us unwilling to say anything except to astound the whole room’ or something along those lines she obviously only means Darcy and he’s really not as bad as she thinks…

Threenow · 09/08/2023 05:42

Elsiebear90 · 08/08/2023 11:21

Is there a point where “enforcing boundaries” becomes rude and selfish though? I’ve seen it used to justify not showing up to important events, cancelling last minute etc. I think part of life is sometimes showing up to things when you’d rather stay at home, but you do it because it’s important to someone and presumably if you care about that person you wouldn’t want to let them down?

Not saying you have to agree to everything and can never cancel, but I’ve noticed a trend over the past few years where people have become increasingly flakey and “self care” and “boundaries” are being used as an excuse to be rude and let people down.

I agree with this. Of course people don't have to go to, or do, things they really don't want to but there are a lot of posters on MN who go the complete opposite way and appear to have no consideration for others at all. You are right in saying that "self-care" and "boundaries" are often an excuse to be rude and let people down. There are a lot of selfish people who can't see beyond themselves and their immediate family and it's not something I see much of in real life, and not something I want to see either.

WandaWonder · 09/08/2023 05:55

Threenow · 09/08/2023 05:42

I agree with this. Of course people don't have to go to, or do, things they really don't want to but there are a lot of posters on MN who go the complete opposite way and appear to have no consideration for others at all. You are right in saying that "self-care" and "boundaries" are often an excuse to be rude and let people down. There are a lot of selfish people who can't see beyond themselves and their immediate family and it's not something I see much of in real life, and not something I want to see either.

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There is also the people that put dramas onto others and make up stories about why people do or do not do things I find very rude

"they did not invite me because they have a vendetta against me, sure I have never spoken to them at the school gate but I have made up some drama instead"

If someone thought that about me and I found out I would not be very social with them, but it happens on here all the time

wannabetraveler · 09/08/2023 06:04

Elsiebear90 · 08/08/2023 11:21

Is there a point where “enforcing boundaries” becomes rude and selfish though? I’ve seen it used to justify not showing up to important events, cancelling last minute etc. I think part of life is sometimes showing up to things when you’d rather stay at home, but you do it because it’s important to someone and presumably if you care about that person you wouldn’t want to let them down?

Not saying you have to agree to everything and can never cancel, but I’ve noticed a trend over the past few years where people have become increasingly flakey and “self care” and “boundaries” are being used as an excuse to be rude and let people down.

I completely agree. The boundaries/mental health mantra is trotted out frequently, whereas to me it just seems to be an excuse for a person not ever doing anything that mildly inconveniences them, even if (when?) it would be beneficial to someone else.

Self-absorption dressed up as self-care, in my opinion.

Vegetus · 09/08/2023 06:04

I don't like weddings, I find forced fun really stressful and am diagnosed OCD probably autistic as well so I feel like I'm putting on an act at big social events to not come across as my nerdy, weird true self! 😂

wannabetraveler · 09/08/2023 06:38

wannabetraveler · 09/08/2023 06:04

I completely agree. The boundaries/mental health mantra is trotted out frequently, whereas to me it just seems to be an excuse for a person not ever doing anything that mildly inconveniences them, even if (when?) it would be beneficial to someone else.

Self-absorption dressed up as self-care, in my opinion.

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Not for everyone, of course. My post comes across a little more stridently than I'd intended 😀

Original poster

BarrelOfOtters · 09/08/2023 06:40

I’d agree that there are some occasions/events that while it might not fill you with joy to go to, it would please someone else you care about so you do go. Pleasing yourself all the time isn’t great for you really.

OP posts:

stayathomer · 09/08/2023 06:46

I wonder the proportion- sometimes I’m nicely surprised by how many people talk sense! I know a few people in real life who are similar to what you say- I got a shock getting to know my in laws because their near motto is ‘I think it’s better that you know’ whereas my family are too far the other way and would follow etiquette talking to other people and would not mention issues if they come up!! I’m always thinking ‘can we not just talk about it, but diplomatically?!’

ChurlishGreen · 09/08/2023 06:55

WhatWouldJeevesDo · 08/08/2023 11:41

Well said. Extroverts do tend to think everyone should be like them and then the world would be a better place.
Not answering the door must have seemed so weird to so many people that it is constantly repeated with incredulity, but I don’t think I’ve ever come across anyone on MN actually saying they never answer their door to strangers. I may have forgotten though because it doesn’t seem particularly outrageous to me.

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It has nothing to do with extroversion. People on Mn continually misuse the term ‘introvert’, when what they mean is ‘shy’, ‘socially awkward’ or ‘misanthropic’. There are introverts who are all these things, absolutely, but there are also sociable, socially-confident introverts who enjoy friendships and social life but need to recharge alone to compensate.

RampantIvy · 09/08/2023 06:57

It has nothing to do with extroversion. People on Mn continually misuse the term ‘introvert’, when what they mean is ‘shy’, ‘socially awkward’ or ‘misanthropic’. There are introverts who are all these things, absolutely, but there are also sociable, socially-confident introverts who enjoy friendships and social life but need to recharge alone to compensate.

Yes, I agree. A lot of mumsnetters aren't introverts at all, they just seem to not like being with other people at all.

WhatWouldJeevesDo · 09/08/2023 07:04

wannabetraveler · 09/08/2023 06:04

I completely agree. The boundaries/mental health mantra is trotted out frequently, whereas to me it just seems to be an excuse for a person not ever doing anything that mildly inconveniences them, even if (when?) it would be beneficial to someone else.

Self-absorption dressed up as self-care, in my opinion.

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I agree. However, people who won’t answer invitations are often waiting for a better offer. People who pull out at the last minute have often decided to do something else equally sociable like the two women on the thread yesterday who accepted a birthday invitation then went to a concert together.

Dollmeup · 09/08/2023 07:08

The sociable people all all out being social, not spending hours trawling Mumsnet for entertainment!

I'm definitely one of the pjs by 4pm and don't answer the door brigade and I'm fine with it.

Piling on and being mean when someone posts for advice is shit though and I hate seeing that.

Kweeky · 09/08/2023 07:21

I feel people socialise less since covid. Or at least I do.
I think wed get less arguing on MN if people kept off AIBU and instead chose a relevant thread instead eg relationships

WhatWouldJeevesDo · 09/08/2023 07:29

ChurlishGreen · 09/08/2023 06:55

It has nothing to do with extroversion. People on Mn continually misuse the term ‘introvert’, when what they mean is ‘shy’, ‘socially awkward’ or ‘misanthropic’. There are introverts who are all these things, absolutely, but there are also sociable, socially-confident introverts who enjoy friendships and social life but need to recharge alone to compensate.

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Yes. I think I fit into the category of socially confident introvert although it wasn’t always so.
You don’t have to be an extrovert to despise shy and socially inept people, but the degree of difference and the incomprehension this creates probably helps.

WhatWouldJeevesDo · 09/08/2023 07:36

I do know at least one socially inept extrovert though - very tiring.

EvenlyDetermined · 09/08/2023 07:47

I think I'm a bit of a sociable introvert, I'm very sociable and enjoy many human interactions that regularly get hate on MN (supermarket staff making small talk, a chat with a stranger on a train, people in shops commenting on my DCs, going on in-person training courses for work). WFH is my idea of hell, I'd leave if my job went that way. But I also like a bit of time on my own every now and then and a whole day of it say once a month would be a treat.