So many people on Mumsnet seem antisocial

[BarrelOfOtters]

Not liking weddings, not going on a partner's work do when other halves are invited, not answering the door...

Most (not all) people I know would go along with social stuff either because they actively like it or because that's kind of how the world works.

Whereas on Mumsnet the balance seems shifted the other way....?

With regards to the loneliness aspect of things - my in-laws have dodged all socialising for years. MIL in particular is extremely introverted/unsociable and will never attend any events or occasions. Consequently, they now find themselves with absolutely no social contact. Even family contact is sparse as relationships are not good with their siblings or their adult children. They are struggling and FIL in particular is feeling very cut off and doesn't even have a pal to go for a coffee and a chat with. It is all self-created by dodging social contact for years. We do what we can, but live a long way away and having been on the receiving end of years of blunt refusals and suddenly truncated visits don't feel especially inclined to make a massive effort.

It's made me appreciate how important a social network is as you get older.

sociable people don't choose internet forums for idle discussion. They go out and annoy the neighbours

I don’t mind people being unsociable and not attending events etc.
What is annoying is when they never arrange anything but complain that they are being excluded when they aren’t invited to things. It always strikes me as laziness and wanting to pick and choose what to attend.

@ZigZaggingMum There are weddings and there are weddings though. I think most introverts would struggle to enjoy a wedding where they only knew the bride/groom, or were invited as a plus-one and didn’t know anyone except their own partner. That may not be reason enough not to go, but I can’t imagine many introverts really relishing the prospect of a big formal occasion with a lot of strangers.

(But I agree, no reason to diss them as a whole just because you personally don’t enjoy them!)

As someone else said there are a lot of unhappy and stressed and depressed people out there. It's easy when you feel like this to get in the habit of becoming unsocial- not to mention the general lack of money and many invites cost ££££££ - we've been invited to a wedding later in the year, middle of nowhere so accommodation is limited and expensive- we would need 2 nights plus petrol (it's 200 miles away) and with present it's a £500 touch- people can't always just say yes no problem to all invites

Can we not just agree we are are all different?
I couldn't care less whether someone is anti social or not.
I am less sociable as l am getting older but that may also have something to do with l have very early starts, l start work at 6.00am.

I agree OP but I think it's probably linked to the self-selecting nature of an online forum, as other people have said.

If you read MN exclusively you'd probably assume that the vast majority of people hated most social interaction and either completely avoided them or went under extreme sufferance - work christmas parties, socialising with colleagues or anyone other than your immediate family generally, weddings, HEN DOs (the number one hatred!) etc. Whereas obviously in real life enough people enjoy these things for there to be billion pound industries in them!

The thing I find quite ironic is the number of 'I don't have any friends/feel so lonely' threads with all the 'It's absolutely fine to just say no to any social invites' advice. It IS fine to say no, and as an introvert I myself I can appreciate why it's nice to hear the validation, but surely most people understand that if you want to make friends you have to put a bit of effort in and actually socialise with them, including at times when it's not always perfectly convenient for you or something you really want to do. Otherwise unless you're the most fascinating exciting person most people aren't going to make all the effort.

Maybe people you know are out on social events are putting on a front.
I attend social events even though I don't want to and I'm capable of appearing like I'm having a really great time.
I also think in the modern world there's a lot more pressure to do social things then there used to be.

I agree that MN seems to be skewed by a large number of misanthropic/unsociable/introverted/socially awkward posters. However, I feel that a lot of posters seem to misconstrue what introverted really means. Introverts are drained by lots of social contact and extroverts are energised by it.

DH is an introvert. He doesn't socialise a lot but when he does he enjoys it. We have been to a wedding and a milestone birthday party recently, both of which he enjoyed very much. He doesn't hate people, he just doesn't want to be overwhelmed by seeing too many people too often.

I agree about the unpleasant pile ons, they are completely uncalled for.

I think naturally social/extroverted people assume most people are like them

Only those who lack social awareness @dreamingbohemian.
In many cases introverts simply don't understand why extroverts like socialising. I would liken it to introverts being desert plants who don't need much water (socialising with people), and extroverts being like a tropical rainforest plant who need a lot of water (socialising with people).

Being an extrovert has nothing to do with being brash or loud. I would describe myself as being socially confident and enjoy socialising with people, but I am neither brash or loud.

I enjoy weddings BTW, but being an old gimmer I don't get invited to many these days.

Mind you there's a ridiculous amount of adults here who'll say "I don't like confrontation" when it's suggested they simply have a very polite word with someone. That really is bizarre.

I agree @WhateverMate. If you disagree with someone you don't need to be rude or confrontational, just politely assertive.

Highly likely that online, virtual forums attract a higher % of people who prefer not to socialise so much in RL. I don’t come across any of these people in RL because….they aren’t there!

I think you have hit the nail on the head @TakenRoot

You have pretty much described my SIL Alighttouchonthetiller. She relies on her DD and my DH to visit her (we live 150 miles away). She makes no effort herself and expects people to run circles round her. She is rude to people then doesn't understand why they don't want to engage with her. She complains she is lonely, but won't stay behind at church to have coffee with the congregation for example, and says she hates people.

I think that 2020 and the effective five months of very limited social contact has had a long-term impact.

Which had we had a different Prime Minister would have been probably at least a month less.

I'm definitely less sociable as I'm getting older (60). I'm much more selective in what I choose to do, but still feel the guilt if I say no to stuff.
It's unsociable, btw. Anti-social is throwing bricks through windows or playing your music too loud.

There's a lot of Introvert and Asocial people that use Forums to feel connected to what's happening in the world.

Some people spend 8hours at work with people and it exhausts them and they need their evening alone or with just partner and kids to recharge.

Some people dislike socialising and avoid it where they can do, again, if they've been at work they'll need their evenings to reset as it were.

Some people have a schizoid personality type that means they don't need other people in any way shape or form so they have no desire to socialise.

And let's not forget that there is likely a lot of users on MN that are otherwise isolated by abusive partners and they use MN as their only real contact with other people.

I doubt there's many truly antisocial people on MN. It's defined by criminal behaviours that show disdain for other people and society in general etc.

In my experience, MN does not reflect real life.

The not opening the door
The massive salaries
The obsession with co-sleeping

I could go on.

Lockdown gave the opportunity and permission to introverts to, finally, just be themselves.
Freed from the overwhelming expectation to comply with social norms in a world where extroverts get to set the rules, introverts found they enjoyed spending more time at home, more time chilling out by themselves or with their immediate families and less time in social situations which they find stressful & exhausting.
Now, the world is back to normal, but introverts have learned to be more confident in saying ‘no’ to some of the social stuff they never enjoyed doing, but felt they had to.

I agree. Weirdly, for a parenting forum, there seems to be no concept of what real-life children are like.

So many complaints of "screaming" children. I work with children in their homes and in childcare settings and cannot recall the last time I heard any of them "scream".

Yell, shout, yelp, squeal etc, yes. All in good spirits and to a very normal level. Obviously there's also the occasional cry of pain.
But every other person on here has encountered a child screaming in a restaurant or in the garden next door etc.

On reflection, maybe MN just doesn't know what screaming is because these claims stretch to strangers in supermarket car parks as well and I just don't hear screaming ever.

People post a perfectly innocent comments then find they've been quoted or tagged as someone hasn't read it properly, or bothered to read the thread, and they're ranting. It's usually the same people.

I think you’ll find that people on internet forums are generally more introverted than the general population. People who don’t like being out and about and socialising are more likely to regularly be at home and to be online, people who love going out and about and going to different social events are too busy to be regularly posting on internet forums. Obviously that’s not the case for every single user, but in general you will find more introverts than extroverts on most forums. This is also why you often get high populations of autistic/ neurodiverse people on a lot of forums, because many of us prefer written communication and being online to being out and about. Internet forums are not representative of the general population, whilst mumsnet is a parenting forum it is not going to be representative of all parents because some types of people are going to be far more drawn to seeking advice and engaging on a parenting forum than others.

I am not antisocial at all. Love a wedding, love socialising generally but obviously my terms. I am just finished with tedious shite I cannot be doing with. So no, I will not go to partner work do things unless I genuinely want to. I will not answer my door and entertain whoever is foisted upon me. I will be very sociable, when I want to be sociable and I will hold my boundaries and prioritise my own needs when I need to.

Opening the door I understand. I have worked from home and it's usually salespeople, so I ignored if not expecting anyone. I think it's more that you don't have to answer the door every time, just because someone knocks. Isn't it?

Massive salary (six figures of course 😀) is a bit of a Mumsnet cliché. Let's just say I don't believe them all.

There's definitely a few fantasists wandering about the place, living fantasy lives through the internet. A lot talk about what they would ideally do, on many threads, rather than have actually done. If that makes sense.

I'd add competitive underestimating, exercise. Even heart rate notably once (resting heart rate of elite athletes a lot of people had!) Anything really. It gets a bit silly at times.

Too true. On one side of MN everyone is a financially independent career women with a combined income of £200k+ investments and large pensions, yet has the time to do yoga daily and has a husband who works in a 'demanding job' yet has the time to do night feeds, hoover and bake cakes.

The other side of MN are full of women who's husbands are useless and they don't know how to pay their mortgage.

I have a gut feeling I know which side is exaggerating.
Also forgot to mention how all MN women are really cool with their husbands taking 5 lads holidays a year and how if you don't allow this then you're needy and there's no trust.

The U.K. just isn’t set up to make people want to socialise.

Don’t underestimate the weather. Imagine how many bbqs and social events have been rained off this summer. There’s no ‘warm evening stroll to the street cafe’ culture because it’s usually cold or pissing with rain. The weather is too unpredictable to make firm plans a lot of the time, and in winter you just want to sit at home with a blanket over your knees in front of the fire.

Our houses are tiny and not suited to entertaining. A tiny open plan kitchen and living room doesn’t encourage you to have people round for dinner, or friends to stay for a few days, not unless you want to be on top of each other.

Families live scattered across the country, few young people can afford to stay in the area they grew up in if it’s middle class. It’s quite normal to only see parents and siblings every month or two. Very few people I know have their parents a couple of miles down the road.

The culture here is for kids to be in bed early and bringing them to restaurants isn’t acceptable. If you’ve no babysitter (family living miles away and all) it tethers you to your home every evening for basically years.

Socialising is like a muscle, the more you do it the better you get at it and enjoy it more. So if you end up not bothering because of the above, you stop wanting to bother.

people who enjoy going to this stuff are out - rather than sitting on mumsnet making posts

Other people are just a bit too peopley for me so I’m taking a break from them. I need to disconnect sometimes.